Month: March 2018

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Where do you grow seeds of greatness? In the dark places.

I recently heard a commercial in which it was said, “Summer bodies are made in the winter.” This statement reminded me of this blog post from 2014. The winter season is a dark, cold and gloomy one. I’ve been there, and just when I think I have a handle on things and I’m learning the lessons and making the needed changes, I run into a winter season in another area of my life. We’re all works in progress. It’s like a mentor once told me, “We’re all wearing tomorrow’s laundry,” meaning that once we work on one issue in life, others appear.

Talking about the dark places or winter seasons reminds me of what it must feel like to be in a tomb, and since we’re talking about Resurrection Sunday this week, I find this Flashback Friday post quite fitting …

I believe everyone who lives and breathes has seeds of greatness within them ― that’s been a huge problem for me in the past since I tended to see a person for their potential instead of who they have chosen to be today. However, have you noticed that the people who have gone on to achieve some of the greatest things in life went through some really dark times?

Vincent Van Gough (my favorite artist of all time) was an extraordinary painter, but he never made a dime as an artist during his lifetime and ultimately died from the mental illness he suffered from. ― He never made it out of his dark place.

Steve Winn, owner of all the Winstar and Winn casinos, is a very successful businessman and has enough money to afford anything he wants, but he literally lives in a dark place having been diagnosed with an eye disease called Retinitis Pigmentosa which ultimately causes blindness.

Where do seeds of greatness grow? In the dark places.

How do you grow a baby? In a dark place.

How do you grow a tree? In a dark place.

If you’re going to achieve anything in life or make real changes, you’re going to go through a dark place. Sorry! I wish it could be different because I don’t like the dark place. I’ve spent a lot of time in different dark places, and they’re no fun. But maybe they’re necessary?

” … Real change isn’t joyful,” Bishop T.J. Jakes said in his sermon series about Instinct. “Real transformation is often stressful. You go into dark places. You confront parts of yourself that aren’t happy. You confront parts of yourself that are really challenging. And if you have the courage to do that, if you have the courage to lift the bar beyond your grasp and dare to leap for it, then suddenly your potential is evolved.”

“To that person who is in a dark place right now, that’s just a part of the process. Don’t build a house in it. Pitch a tent in it. Don’t build a house in it because it will ultimately evolve into something far better, far bigger and far more effective,” Bishop Jakes said. “You have to see where you are as an incubator. It is not a destination. It’s transportation.”

Have you experienced a dark place? Was the outcome worth it?

You can find these Flashback Friday blogs posted every Friday. If you want to know more how to have successful relationships and peace of mind, you can get a free PDF sample chapter of “The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart” by filling out the form in the sidebar on this page.

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Why I don’t celebrate Easter anymore

When I was a little girl, Easter was always a big deal in my family. I always got a new outfit ― dress, shoes, hat, purse, gloves, the whole nine yards. We celebrated the death, burial and resurrection of Jesus, but even as a young girl I couldn’t understand what colored eggs and bunnies had to do with Jesus. I continued that tradition into adulthood, but it wasn’t until a couple of years ago that I discovered what Easter was really all about ― and that’s when I stopped celebrating Easter and began properly terming it Resurrection Sunday.

Jerold Aust echoed my confusion in writing for the United Church of God, “Think about these facts for a minute. Easter is such a major religious holiday. Yet nowhere in the Bible — not in the book of Acts, which covers several decades of the history of the early Church, nor in any of the epistles of the New Testament, written over a span of 30 to 40 years after Jesus Christ’s death and resurrection — do we find the apostles or early Christians celebrating anything like Easter … If Easter doesn’t come from the Bible, and wasn’t practiced by the apostles and early Church, where did it come from?”

Why I don't celebrate Easter anymore

I first heard about the real organs of Easter from alternative commentators and hosts online, and let me tell you, I was SHOCKED and HORRIFIED at what I heard!

Aust will explain, “Easter isn’t a Christian or directly biblical term, but comes from a form of the name Astarte, a Chaldean (Babylonian) goddess known as “the queen of heaven.” (She is mentioned by that title in the Bible in Jeremiah 7:18 and Jeremiah 44:17-19; Jeremiah 44:25 and referred to in 1 Kings 11:5; 1 Kings 5:33 and 2 Kings 23:13 by the Hebrew form of her name, Ashtoreth. So “Easter” is found in the Bible — as part of the pagan religion God condemns) … And again, Easter was a pagan festival, originating in the worship of other gods, and was introduced much later into an apostate Christianity in a deliberate attempt to make such festivals acceptable. Moreover, Easter was very different from the Old Testament Passover or the Passover of the New Testament as understood and practiced by the early Church based on the teachings of Jesus Christ and the apostles.”

I found it interesting that Astarte ― also known as Ishtar (sounding similar to Easter) and Aphrodite ― was called “the queen of heaven” because when I was studying art history four years ago, my professor told us that the artists who painted depictions of the Mother Mary portrayed her in a royal light because they considered her to be the “queen of heaven.”

So, how did those colored eggs get into the celebration of Resurrection Sunday?

“In ancient Egypt and Persia, friends exchanged decorated eggs at the spring equinox, the beginning of their New Year. These eggs were a symbol of fertility for them because the coming forth of a live creature from an egg was so surprising to people of ancient times. Christians of the Near East adopted this tradition, and the Easter egg became a religious symbol. It represented the tomb from which Jesus came forth to new life,” wrote Greg Dues, in his book Catholic Customs and Traditions.

I’m well educated and all, but I don’t see the similarity between a bird being hatched from an egg and the miracle of Jesus being raised from the dead, ascending to heaven and promising to come back to earth without ever dying again. The bird will die. I can see the bird representing the birth of Christ but not his resurrection.

I couldn’t figure out what eggs had to do with rabbits either since chickens produce eggs, not bunnies. “Little children are usually told that the Easter eggs are brought by the Easter Bunny. Rabbits are part of pre-Christian fertility symbolism because of their reputation to reproduce rapidly,” Dues wrote in his book.

I’m sorry, but I’m not celebrating fertility on Resurrection Sunday. Let me be clear, the pagan celebration of fertility was not about wishing a married couple good luck in creating children together and building their family. It was all about orgies and having sex outside of marriage with all kinds of people and animals. Over the last couple of years, I have heard some researchers say that this goddess Astarte was actually a being with both male and female sex organs and would mate with anything. I don’t know how true that is, but I do know I’m not interested in celebrating anything remotely close to this on Resurrection Sunday.

If you’ve read any of my work over the past couple of years, you know that I am all about getting back to basics. And that’s one of the reasons I celebrate Resurrection Sunday and not Easter.

Catch these first-run Write About It Wednesday blogs every Wednesday. If you want to know how to have successful relationships and peace of mind, you can get a free PDF sample chapter of “The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart” by filling out the form in the sidebar on this page.

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Can being happy make you healthy?

We’re on the topic of being happy this week, and this Flashback Friday from 2015 fits the bill. It features an article I wrote while working as a reporter for a newspaper …

Every day new research is proving that our inner world affects our outer world — specifically, our thoughts affect our health. I’m sure you’ve heard the stories of people who used laughter to raise their immune systems and reverse chronic illnesses.

Since studying neuroscience while earning my Bachelor of Science degree in Psychology, I’ve been increasingly interested in how our thoughts and the actual health of our brains influence not only our mental health, but also our physical health. It reminds me of Proverbs 17:22, “A joyful heart is good medicine, but depression drains one’s strength.” Anyone who has endured a hard period in life knows the last part of that verse is true.

When I was working as a reporter for The Galveston County Daily News, I wrote a story that seems appropriate to reprint now.

Happy thoughts can lower blood pressure
By Senée Seale
The Daily News
Published October 29, 2006
GALVESTON — The prescription to lower your blood pressure may be as simple as this: Don’t worry. Be happy.

A study by University of Texas Medical Branch faculty members links positive emotions to lower blood pressure.

Dr. Glenn Ostir of UTMB said patients were asked questions about their happiness and optimism levels at the same time their blood pressure was taken.
“Those who were happier seemed to have lower blood pressure,” he said. “Positive emotions tend to be associated with a reduced risk of heart attack or stroke.”

While the study focused on 2,500 Mexican Americans 65 and older, Ostir said he has no reason to believe this treatment wouldn’t work for other ethnic groups as well.

If you can control your emotional well-being and lower your blood pressure, the theory is you could prevent a heart attack or stroke.

While Ostir stops short of saying happy people don’t have heart attacks or strokes, he did say positive emotions tend to be associated with a reduced risk of these diseases.

The study also found that targeting the emotional health of older adults might be used as part of non-medication treatment, saving elderly patients money on prescriptions.

The Bright Side
Faith Casanova of Galveston is disabled and has other ailments to deal with, but she tries to look on the bright side of life.

The 72-year-old Jehovah’s Witness said she spends her time thinking about the good things and the positive teachings of her religion.

“I focus on the resurrection, hope, future and paradise here on earth,” she said. “I know it will be a new world with happiness and no sickness or death, so I don’t have to worry about things.”

Despite being diagnosed with bipolar disorder, Casanova said she’s a happy person and tries to be positive.

Betty Davis, 65, of Galveston, credits medication for keeping her blood pressure low, but she did say it is lower when she’s thinking happy thoughts.

“My blood pressure fluctuates,” she said “It depends on what I’m doing when it’s taken.”

Relaxing Tips
Ostir said you need to be aware that you have some control over your own well-being.

“You choose to be stressed out over an event,” he said. “I think the key is to be aware that you are stressed out. It’s your choice whether you remain that way or choose to change it.”

He said anything that reduces internal stress, such as practicing yoga, meditating, gardening or reading a book, will help to lower your blood pressure.

Susie Mantell, stress-relief expert and author of the relaxation CD “Your Present: A Half-Hour of Peace,” said reducing internal stress can be as simple as getting enough sleep.

“A good night’s sleep makes a world of difference to bust stress and promote overall well-being,” she said.

“The advent of 24-hour and instant everything has created a society working harder, longer and faster. The resulting sleep deprivation creates tension, irritability and compromises immunity.”

Mantell agrees with Ostir that small steps can make a big difference in uplifting your mood. She suggests spending part of your lunch hour doing things that take your mind off work such as listening to soothing music or reading.

“Take two to three minute breaks in your workday,” she said. “Walk outdoors even for a few minutes. While downloading files, waiting at a red light, or in line at the bank, breathe slowly, mindfully and create soothing multi-sensory imagery.”

• • •

I know from experience that it doesn’t feel like it in the moment, but we really DO have control over our thoughts and inner world — even when our outer world is falling apart around us. It doesn’t happen immediately, but we can practice changing our thoughts to happier ones.

“Each thought is precious. We can learn to think in positive affirmations. Yes, it takes a bit of doing to gain control over our thoughts; however, the rewards are tremendous,” Louise Hay recently wrote on social media.

“The past has no power over us,” she continued. “Even problems have no power over us. Our power lies in the thoughts that we choose to think today. Remember, there are endless opportunities for good before us.”

I’d love to hear how focusing on being happy helped your mental or physical health … Leave a comment below.

You can find these Flashback Friday blogs posted every Friday. If you want to know more how to have successful relationships and peace of mind, you can get a free PDF sample chapter of “The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart” by filling out the form in the sidebar on this page.

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What’s your “happy” song?

When I was working as a Behavioral Clinician, I had a 4-year-old client who went through a very traumatic event having witnessed the death of a younger sibling. She was also in the foster care system and was having frequent meltdowns and boughs of sadness.

During one of our sessions, I asked her if she had a “happy song” ― a song that made her feel happy when she heard it. She began singing this terribly sad song with a smile on her face. It was so sad I almost started crying, then I realized it was the theme song from the last Twilight movie. I quickly redirected her, grabbed my phone and turned on Pharrell’s song Happy. She started singing and dancing all around the foster family’s living room. Her foster mother came in to see what was going on. When the song was over, I asked her if the next time she felt sad if she could start singing this song to help her feel happy again. She said yes, and her foster mother chimed in that she could play it for her on her phone.

This wasn’t a technique I learned. In fact, I was told her previous clinician was telling her to pretend she was squeezing an orange ―a stress-relieving technique that was endorsed by the literature we used at the agency I was working for ― which was not working, according to her foster mother. (That wouldn’t work on me either, especially if I were 4!)

Do you have a happy song?

It’s been my experience that when I’m stressed or feeling low, music always helps me. Sometimes, I just need a dance party break! The combination of upbeat music and moving my body seems to change my brain (and mood). In addition to dancing, I often have to sing myself happy.

I remember an episode of Ally McBeal where her therapist told her she needed to come up with a theme song that she could hear in her head to make her feel more confident. Ally struggled the entire episode to find one, but she did in the end. Being a singer since I was 2 (I started singing in public when I was 2, but I was told by family members that I was trying to sing before I could talk), I know that music has a way of not only changing the atmosphere, but changing our moods and minds. I was once told by someone not to gripe at him but to sing to him instead. I didn’t grasp the importance of that statement until much later, but I see the validity in that approach now.

I’ve been working on a new book about controlling your own mind, and I have been wondering if there is any scientific evidence to prove out this theory of mine.

As I wrote about in The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart, intention is key when making any change or predicting future behavior. Two studies published in 2012 in The Journal of Positive Psychology support my findings. “These studies demonstrate that listening to positive music may be an effective way to improve happiness, particularly when it is combined with an intention to become happier,” the researcher concluded.

Barry Goldstein echoes my theory in his column published in Conscious Lifestyles, “Listen to a piece of music that brings you to a highly elevated and inspired emotional state … Moving to this music can have a profound effect on your mood as it creates the potential for the production of beneficial hormones, neurotransmitters, and other molecules in your body.”

Sad songs say so much

The opposite can also take place. Have you ever felt so low and just wanted to have a big huge pity party in your depression by listening to music that made you sad? Listening to sad music can be dangerous to your mental health, but research shows that it could also help you get over a broken heart.

Interestingly, Healthline.com reported that listening to sad music can actually help in getting over heartbreak from an ended relationship. “An earlier study, published in the Journal of Consumer Research, found that people tend to prefer sad music when they are experiencing a deep interpersonal loss, like the end of a relationship. The authors of that study suggested that sad music provides a substitute for the lost relationship. They compared it to the preference most people have for an empathetic friend — someone who truly understands what you’re going through.”

I guess Elton John was right when he sang, “Sad songs say so much.” When I recorded the album for my book, I chose songs that went along with what I wrote about, but honestly, a couple of them made me cry even in the recording studio as I was singing them. The lyrics hit close to home, and I obviously wasn’t over it at the time. That just told me I had more work to do, which I did.

Take action

So, what can you do to allow music to change your mood? In 2013, USA Today published a list of 20 scientifically-proven benefits of music. Some of those included the following cation steps:

  • Ease pain. (Listening to) “music can meaningfully reduce the perceived intensity of pain …”
  • Increase workout endurance. “When we’re focusing on a favorite album, we may not notice that we just ran an extra mile.”
  • Reduce stress. “Research has found that listening to music can relieve stress by triggering biochemical stress reducers.”
  • Relieve symptoms of depression. “Research suggests the kind of music matters: Classical and meditative sounds seem to be particularly uplifting, whereas heavy metal and techno can actually make depressive symptoms worse.”
  • Elevate mood. “A 2013 study found that music helped put people in a better mood and get in touch with their feelings.”
  • Help people perform better in high-pressure situations. “One study found that basketball players prone to performing poorly under pressure during games were significantly better during high-pressure free-throw shooting if they first listened to catchy, upbeat music and lyrics.”
  • Elevate mood while driving. The reporter suggests listening to your favorite songs the next time you find yourself in a traffic jam to help keep your mood in check. I also have a dance party in the car when I’m really in need of an attitude change and safely stopped at a red light.

Catch these first-run Write About It Wednesday blogs every Wednesday. If you want to know how to have successful relationships and peace of mind, you can get a free PDF sample chapter of “The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart” by filling out the form in the sidebar on this page.

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Tools for dealing with addiction relapse

It’s St. Patrick’s Day weekend, and while it began as a celebration of St. Patrick who took Christianity to Ireland, we all know that the weekend will be full of people drinking green beer and other green alcoholic beverages. (I thought it was a beer celebration for decades … I didn’t even know who St. Patrick was until recently. For all I knew, he was the original beer master.) For those who are in addiction recovery, I think it’s timely to republish this Flashback Friday post from 2017 …

Tools for dealing with addiction relapse

When I was studying Substance Abuse Counseling, I wrote a short article review of an assigned article Relapse Recovery. Reading it many years later, I found it particularly interesting to the work I do here on this blog, and I wanted to share it with you with updates and my commentary having been removed from it, earned a degree, attended graduate school and worked with clients as a Behavioral Health Clinician. I usually save all the scholarly articles I have written papers on, but could not find this particular one. So, I do not know who is the actual author. (I found it very odd since I’m a stickler for naming sources since my days as a professional journalist.)

When I think of addiction relapse, as a sober, non-addicted person, I think of it much like being on a diet and having a cheat day … You might gain a pound, but it isn’t detrimental to your overall weight loss. After reading Relapse Recovery, however, I have been made keenly aware of how serious a drug or alcohol relapse is compared to eating.

The author of this article stressed something in the beginning of the story that will stick with me: “For example, if you have a damaged liver, your liver will return automatically – and not gradually – to the level of damage it was at when you were drinking.”

The author explained that using drugs or alcohol as a means to deal with problems or create an escape is a learned behavior that non-alcoholics don’t have – they have other healthy ways of dealing with life’s issues. “In order to stay sober, we have to untrain ourselves, deprogram ourselves, so that recoiling from temptation and not taking that drink/drug becomes an automatic response to the life-threatening consequences which drinking/using means.”

I often say, “Learned behavior can be unlearned.” So, the good news is that you can overcome any addiction you may be experiencing.

The first step, according to the author, is to pinpoint triggers and stimulants which can provoke the temptation to drink/use. The next step is to learn new coping strategies and methods to deal with everyday life soberly. This is a gradual process that doesn’t happen overnight.

I know we all want a magic pill that will change things instantly, but as I write about in my book The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart, oftentimes God allows us to walk through a process rather than giving us full healing right away. I have seen instantaneous healing and deliverance happen for people, but I have often wondered if it is much like someone who grows up rich without having to work for money … They don’t know what it’s like to really suffer or be hungry or have bill collectors calling them day and night, so they may not appreciate how easy they truly have it. I believe the same can be true for someone who doesn’t have to work one day at a time for sobriety and health.

In an article by the same name published in March 2016 in Experience Life, Kyra Bobinet, MD, MPH, explains that instituting a new behavior isn’t as simple as doing it for 21 days. (Don’t I know this from experience! And recent studies have shown it takes much longer to solidify new behaviors.) “Even if you’ve been on your new path for a while, relapse into old behavior is not just a possibility — it’s a probability. Forget the notion that it takes 21 days to form a new habit. That idea came from a plastic surgeon in the 1950s who observed that it took 21 days for his patients to get used to their new nose jobs! Anyone who’s tried to institute significant behavior change, like joining a daily 6 a.m. cycle class or quitting smoking, knows realistically they will have to resist that urge to sleep in or light up for a long time.”

So, how do you resist and remain successful? The author of the original article offered these warning signs in which to watch:

  • Changes in thoughts, feelings or attitudes;
  • Changes in behaviors and activities; or
  • A combination of both.

“Your habits are supported by a fully wired neural network in your brain. Your thoughts and behaviors (as well as your environment and many other factors) influence how that network of neurons, or brain cells, has strengthened its interconnections over the years,” explained Dr. Bobinet. “But that isn’t the final word. At any point, you can actively start a new behavior and sprout new neural wiring. You can stimulate neuroplasticity — the phenomenon that allows your brain to build new pathways.”

Is it the kiss of death to relapse? Most professionals will agree that it is not, but you can not continue the negative behavior. It’s just like learning to ride a horse or bicycle … When you fall down, you pick yourself up, get back on, and start riding again from where you left off, not from where you started.

“What is inappropriate is black-and-white thinking about success that turns a slip-up into a disaster and sees it as a sure sign of defeat. The fact is that it takes time to change all the mental apparatus that supports any particular habit — the memories, the situations that trigger craving, and more. Addiction changes brains, and it takes time to change brains back,” stated a post on Psychology Today regarding relapse of addiction.

So, be assured that you will face urges, and it all begins in your brain. AddictionsAndRecovery.org offers these tools to help in dealing with the mental urges:

  • Play the tape through. When you think about using, the fantasy is that you’ll be able to control your use this time. You’ll just have one drink. But play the tape through. One drink usually leads to more drinks. You’ll wake up the next day feeling disappointed in yourself. You may not be able to stop the next day, and you’ll get caught in the same vicious cycle. When you play that tape through to its logical conclusion, using doesn’t seem so appealing.
  • Tell someone that you’re having urges to use. Call a friend, a support, or someone in recovery. Share with them what you’re going through. The magic of sharing is that the minute you start to talk about what you’re thinking and feeling, your urges begin to disappear. They don’t seem quite as big and you don’t feel as alone.
  • Distract yourself. When you think about using, do something to occupy yourself. Call a friend. Go to a meeting. Get up and go for a walk. If you just sit there with your urge and don’t do anything, you’re giving your mental relapse room to grow.
  • Wait for 30 minutes. Most urges usually last for less than 15 to 30 minutes. When you’re in an urge, it feels like an eternity. But if you can keep yourself busy and do the things you’re supposed to do, it’ll quickly be gone.
  • Do your recovery one day at a time. Don’t think about whether you can stay abstinent forever. That’s a paralyzing thought … One day at a time, means you should match your goals to your emotional strength. When you feel strong and you’re motivated to not use, then tell yourself that you won’t use for the next week or the next month. But when you’re struggling and having lots of urges, and those times will happen often, tell yourself that you won’t use for today or for the next 30 minutes. Do your recovery in bite-sized chunks and don’t sabotage yourself by thinking too far ahead.
  • Make relaxation part of your recovery. Relaxation is an important part of relapse prevention, because when you’re tense you tend to do what’s familiar and wrong, instead of what’s new and right. When you’re tense you tend to repeat the same mistakes you made before. When you’re relaxed you are more open to change.

You can find these Flashback Friday blogs posted every Friday. If you want to know more how to have successful relationships and peace of mind, you can get a free PDF sample chapter of “The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart” by filling out the form in the sidebar on this page.

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St. Patrick’s Day isn’t about drinking green beer

When I was growing up, I didn’t know anything about St. Patrick’s Day, despite having Irish roots. I grew up in a Protestant Christian home, and we didn’t celebrate or acknowledge any of the Catholic traditions. In fact, I didn’t even know what lent or St. Patrick’s Day were until I went away to college.

My only impression of the day was that it was like Cinco de Mayo — a day people picked to drink alcohol and call it a holiday. I participated in the parades and wearing green because it was fun, but it wasn’t until a couple of years ago that I did the research to find out what the real meaning of the day was all about … And I have to tell you that I have become a fan of Saint Patrick.

St. Pattick's Day isn't about drinking green beer

The story goes, according to Christianity Today, that he was kidnapped as a teenager and sold into slavery by Irish pirates. He escaped, but then had the courage to return to Ireland as a missionary. He is credited for bringing Christianity to the country and for using the shamrock to describe the Holy Trinity.

What is more, let anyone laugh and taunt if he so wishes. I am not keeping silent, nor am I hiding the signs and wonders that were shown to me by the Lord many years before they happened, [he] who knew everything, even before the beginning of time. -Saint Patrick

Anyone with a human brain is intelligent enough to see the negative affects alcohol has on the brain, body and life. I shunned the holiday because I thought it was all about drinking alcohol. Now, however, I’m proud of my Irish heritage. My maternal grandfather who raised me, Floyd Jones, always said his father was half Irish and half Native American with a full red beard.

While we’re on the topic of drinking alcohol, I recently heard the story of someone who had been secretly drinking daily and is now in dire health. If you find even a slight similarity of your life in this story, please, please don’t wait until you’re on your death bed before you get help to quit using alcohol or drugs of any form. You are too precious, and you have great gifts to share and things to do in the world! Please find a treatment center or a 12-step program to help you before it’s too late! It’s always a good day to make positive changes!

Rick Wiles of TruNews once said he loves the story of Saint Patrick, and I have to agree. I admire his courage to go back to the place where he was held captive and treated brutally and preach the Gospel of Jesus Christ to people who did not believe. Thinking about our modern life, can you say that you would be willing to go back into a relationship where you had your heart broken and were treated badly – dare I say, brutally – and not only go back into that environment, but to speak the truth in love? He did it, and we need to look to his example to do the same in our daily lives.

Catch these first-run Write About It Wednesday blogs every Wednesday. If you want to know how to have successful relationships and peace of mind, you can get a free PDF sample chapter of “The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart” by filling out the form in the sidebar on this page.

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The show must go on: How to take action while waiting

I began singing in public in church when I was 2-and-a-half. I sang on television for the first time when I was 9. It was a live broadcast in the Dallas market, and wouldn’t you know that there would have to be an audio problem when the 9-year-old got up to sing!

I did what seemed logical … I waited until I could hear the music again, then started singing where it picked up. Before they sorted it out in the control booth, I just stood there under the blazing lights and glaring cameras pointed straight at me, not to mention a studio full of audience members staring at me. I didn’t throw a Toddlers and Tiaras fit and storm off the set. I didn’t burst into tears in front of the viewers in the number 7 market (at the time). I stood there and waited.

I think I had a deep inner knowing even at that early age that the show must go on and that I had to adjust as quickly as I could to accommodate myself to any problem. The same is true in life. We have ZERO control over other people or outside forces. Some of the time, we have zero control over what happens to us … In such a case, all we can control is how we choose to react to the problem. Do we throw a tantrum on live TV and storm off the set, or do we stand there until we hear the music and begin singing wherever it picks up? At age 9, I chose to do the latter, and I’ve spent the majority of my life doing the same.

Now, I’m not saying that you’ll never have moments of meltdown. Any time we experience a great loss or significant change, we have to allow our minds time to realize what happened, to process the event, to heal emotionally and come up with a new plan. Depending on the severity of the situation. that could take some time. It took me seconds when I was 9 singing on live TV, but as a 42-year-old dealing with a major relationship issue it took me three years to get through the grieving process then start to heal and feel like myself again.

It takes time to figure out what you want your life to look like once you have a major life change. It takes time to remember your worth and value, and then to realize that there must be someone out there who will treat you with the love and respect that you deserve and will give in return, or the right life/career situation that will benefit you rather than break you down.

What happens when we refuse to be flexible and adjust? Bitterness sets in and totally changes our lives … for the worse. It can rob us of our peace, joy and happiness. It can also cause us to do something just to have something to do instead of waiting for the right timing to sing our beautiful song.

Here’s what I had to say about it in my book The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart and how it relates to relationships:

Joy/happiness are attraction magnets—they attract the right people, opportunities, and circumstances into your life, just like bitterness and negativity repel them. The people I enjoy being around most are happy/joyous people who may not be where they want to be in life, but they are grateful for where they are and are working on plans they have devised to go further and do more. Being happy/joyous while single is alright too—It doesn’t mean you’ll be alone forever, it just means that you are fine with it for now and are in no hurry to bring the wrong person into your life to fill the space.

I haven’t thought a lot about that first time singing on television, but as I have been writing this post, it really jumped out at me that I waited … I waited until the music started playing again. I stood there in that very uncomfortable space with all eyes in Dallas on me and I waited. I beat up on myself a lot for being impatient. I feel like I’ve spent most of my existence on this planet waiting for my life to start and for things to happen for me that seem so easy for everyone else. I get frustrated wondering, “When is it finally going to be my turn?!? When are things going to change in my favor?”

Maybe I’m the only one who’s ever felt this way … I’m just being honest and real.

My trusted advisor has been telling me lately that I need to celebrate the little victories. The truth is, I’ve been looking for (and needing) such big victories that the little ones just get ignored by me. But I’ve been working on paying closer attention and giving credit where it is due. So, I have to celebrate the fact that in some areas of my life, I have been patient and waited just like I did on that TV set when I was 9.

During this process, I’ve learned that there’s two types of waiting: active waiting and passive waiting. Passive waiting is when you just sit there and let life pass you by. Active waiting is preparing for the next steps (or what you think or hope are the next steps) while you are waiting.

  • Are you hoping to move to a new home or location?
    • Start packing up the stuff you aren’t using on a regular basis.
    • Begin looking at available places to live in that area.
  • Are you wanting a permanent relationship in your life?
    • Start fixing yourself up on a regular basis and looking like the best version of yourself.
    • Make a list of the qualities you want in a person, and begin practicing being the kind of person you want to attract into your life.
  • Are you looking for a job?
    • Start applying for as many positions as you can qualify for.
    • Pick out your interview outfit and hang it where you can see it every day.

All of these little things have something in common — they involve taking action in a forward, positive motion. I’m constantly striving to educate myself, and I’m always listening to podcasts and watching videos on business tactics. I recently heard someone say that you have to take action and not allow yourself to put things off until tomorrow. Within the last week, I’ve heard more than one person say that the timing will never be right … You have to take action any way. It reminds me of what one of my Substance Abuse Counseling professors would always say to us, “Do it afraid!” She said we should never let fear stop us from taking positive action.

Even a baby step in the right direction is better than being stuck or moving backward. What  one thing can you do today to actively wait and allow the show to go on?

Catch these first-run Write About It Wednesday blogs every Wednesday. If you want to know how to have successful relationships and peace of mind, you can get a free PDF sample chapter of “The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart” by filling out the form in the sidebar on this page.

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News & Events: Book getting great feedback

I’ve been getting messages and e-mails from readers of The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart. Women are saying they are learning things about themselves they never realized before, and men are saying they are getting healing and the inside scoop on relationships from a woman.

The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart

I received this photo from a reader who said her son asked her if he could read one of her books, and when she asked which one he wanted to read, The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart was the one he grabbed.

Have you gotten your copy yet? It’s available in autographed paperback or e-book. I’m also working on the second edition which will have updated information and include the 60-day guided journal to help you work through the steps. I’m planning to release it later this year, so stay tuned for details!

Let me hear what you think about he book … leave a comment below or send a message through the site, a review in the store and/or a review on Amazon.

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Detach without getting bitter

When I was studying Substance Abuse Counseling and Psychology, I spent a lot of time working on myself which included going to Al-Anon meetings. A theme often brought up in that room was “detaching in love.” It was always such a hard concept for me, and one I’m still working on mastering (although I have improved in that area). This Flashback Friday post from 2014 will help us dive deeper into this week’s topic of detaching (in love) through the 8 Week/No Contact Rule …

I was talking with my (graduate school) faculty mentor the other day, and I was telling her how the concept of detachment is hard for me to put into practice because, for me, it feels like giving up on the person or situation. And giving up means I’ll never have my dream.

bitterness, how to not become bitter, detatching, detatching in love,

In her book The Language of Letting Go, Melody Beattie tell us that we have to continue growing even when our loved ones are not yet ready to change themselves.

“Sometimes, we need to give ourselves permission to grow, even though the people we love are not ready to change,” she wrote. “We may even need to leave people behind in their dysfunction or suffering because we cannot recover for them … The potential for helping others is far greater when we detach, work on ourselves, and stop trying to force others to change with us.

“Changing ourselves, allowing ourselves to grow while others seek their own path, is how we have the most beneficial impact on people we love. We’re accountable for ourselves. They’re accountable for themselves.We let them go, and let ourselves grow,” Beattie concluded.

Sometimes moving on means not getting our dream of being with someone because they choose not to be healthy. Not getting our deepest dreams and desires can cause us to become bitter if we allow it.

Hans Villarica wrote in The Psychology of Bitterness: 10 Essential Lessons published in The Atlantic that researchers from Concordia University and the University of British Columbia conducted a study on the topic of bitterness to be published in the journal Health Psychology. Their conclusion, in Dunne’s words: “The ability of older adults with functional limitations to withdraw effort and commitment from goals that are no longer attainable can help them avoid increases in depressive symptoms over time.” What does this mean in plain English? Being able to detach from a deeply wanted outcome will help you not become bitter.

Villarica offered these research-based lessons on bitterness:

  1. Bitterness follows unwanted experiences — failures, disappointment, setbacks — that are perceived to be beyond one’s control.
  2. Bitterness occurs when one believes, rightly or wrongly, that other people could have prevented the undesired outcome. Regret involves blaming oneself.
  3. Bitterness, much like other negative emotions, could forecast physical disease.
  4. To regulate bitterness, individuals who failed should assess the likelihood of achieving the goal if they decide to try again.
  5. If success is unlikely, individuals should move on to other pursuits.
  6. The embittered should try to reconcile, take some responsibility, and get over the blame game.
  7. Older adults generally experience more disappointments that could lead to bitterness.
  8. Most older adults can easily disengage from impractical goals and commit to other meaningful pursuits.
  9. Older adults who can’t curb their bitterness may be compromising their health and happiness.
  10. If bitterness persists, consult a mental health practitioner.

Lesson No. 5 seems to be particularly relevant for those in relationships with substance users. “People also need to find new purposeful activities. They have to reengage — find a different job or look for a different partner. Reengagement in turn has been shown to predict higher levels of positive emotions and purpose in life,” Wrosch wrote.

You can find these Flashback Friday blogs posted every Friday. If you want to know more how to have successful relationships and peace of mind, you can get a free PDF sample chapter of “The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart” by filling out the form in the sidebar on this page.