November 2018 – The Princess Guide

Posted on November 30, 2018November 10, 2018 by seneeseale

Does everyone hit rock bottom?

By the time you read this post, you have probably spent the entire Thanksgiving Day with drunk Uncle So-and-so, and you may be wondering if he will ever get sober.

In this Flashback Friday post we’re exploring the concept of hitting rock bottom and making positive changes in life. As I’ve said many times before, change is not easy — if it were then everyone would practice it on a regular basis — but the rewards and benefits of positive change are well worth the struggle during the process. You don’t have to hit rock bottom and have everything in your life fall to ruin before you decide to make those positive changes. Let’s explore this topic …

I recently took a long road trip, and that gave me a lot of time to think. (When I’m holding on to the steering wheel for six hours straight, that’s a long enough trip for me to consider it a long road trip!) Surprisingly, I was thinking about substance use and the people I know who have been hurt by it (both the users and the ones who love them).

I know substance users who have been jailed, sentenced to prison, had their children taken away by the state, lost jobs, destroyed their marriages and on and on. In one particular case, I knew of someone who lost her children and many years later died of a drug overdose before she could make positive changes even though she had many chances to initiate change. I wonder if these people ever hit rock bottom, repent and try to make things right with those they have hurt while imitating positive change in their lives?

Does everyone hit rock bottom?

My best friend believes that often men do not hit rock bottom after they hurt girlfriends and wives so much that the women leave. She says the rock bottom comes from their children. I wasn’t so sure about her theory until I saw it happen to a man I know. It appeared that he was in the contemplation phase of change when his relationship with his children improved. So, I’m guessing that the daily drinking didn’t stop and he didn’t enter into a treatment program, but it looked like the children leaving the relationship with him was causing him to take a serious look at treatment.

When I was thinking about these people who don’t seem to ever hit rock bottom, I saw a picture in my mind of someone falling and falling and falling in a deep, deep pit.

I believe when we do things that destroy out bodies, destroy our lives, destroy our brains, destroy our relationships, destroy our reputations and destroy those around us, we are being influenced by demonic forces that are deployed to carry out Satan’s mission to “steal, kill and destroy” (John 10:10).

I know someone who seems like a good, genuine person who loves God on the surface, but his addiction to alcohol has destroyed his life. I’ve only known him to be clean and sober while in jail (and that’s a place where he’s spent a lot of time). It’s really hard to watch anyone go through life in the chains of substance use, but they are the only ones who can change it. I was told by a professor that substance users typically don’t decide to seriously work a recovery program and make the positive changes needed until they have been in rehab about EIGHT times.

Treatment and recovery programs are wonderful tools in becoming clean and sober, but if you don’t deal with the root cause of why you use and create a heart change, you will fall back into destructive patterns. Dealing with those deep issues can be very scary because we’ve lived with them for so long and coped by using substances to medicate our broken hearts and crushed spirits that it feels “normal,” but freedom from being controlled by substances feels so much better!

We are not guaranteed tomorrow (just like the person I mentioned who died of an overdose before she made positive changes). The “magic” of the present moment is that it’s the gift of being able to institute change right now. Are you ready to change for the better?

You can find these Flashback Friday blogs posted every Friday. If you want to know more how to have successful relationships and peace of mind, you can get a free PDF sample chapter of “The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart” by filling out the form in the sidebar on this page.

Posted on November 23, 2018 by seneeseale

It’s Thanksgiving weekend … Are you sick of your relatives yet?

I hope you are having a wonderful holiday weekend full of food, friends, family and sovereign freedom. If, however, your weekend isn’t so bright, read this Flashback Friday post from 2017 …

I don’t have nothing but love for you, and this huge snowball to throw at you! 🙂

I was blessed to NOT be born into a family with an uncle who always got drunk at family gatherings, nor did I have one who did and said inappropriate things.

Drinking and using drugs were sins in my family, and I’m so grateful for those moral standards. However, I have been with families where at least one person got drunk, got physically or verbally violent, and then an explosion of ciaos ensued turning a nice family function into a place in which no sober, moral or mentally healthy person wanted to be.

Even if you don’t have a person like this in your family, family relationships can still be complicated. Spending too much time with people you have issues with or who try to control or compete with you can make it difficult to feel mentally healthy, much less enjoy spending time with them. Unrealistic expectations can often be at the core of the problem for everyone — unrealistic expectations of parents who want children to follow a certain career path, or family members who just want a “normal” gathering like they see on TV and in the movies, etc., can all be problematic.

In my book The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart, I talk about healing from romantic relationship issues, but these same steps can be applied to any relationship — including family relationships. While I believe gratitude is a foundation for any change or transformation (and I cover that very early in the book), I also know that forgiveness plays a huge role in that process.

For there to be reconciliation in any relationship, there must first be repentance (stating what you did that was hurtful/offensive/wrong, saying you’re sorry, changing your behavior in the opposite direction of the wrong that you did, and doing something for the other person to try and make up for what you did to hurt them), and there has to be grace given by the other person to allow the wrongs to be made right — or at least grace to let them prove they have or have not changed.

As you can see by my definition of repentance, it takes both parties doing something to bring about reconciliation. However, you can forgive without the other person. I would dare say that you must forgive for your own peace of mind.

This section from The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart explains it best:

I know someone who likes to say, “Forgiveness doesn’t mean reconciliation.” I saw an Instagram meme along these same lines, “I don’t carry any hate in my heart. If I loved you before, I still got love for you. Stay away from me though.”

It’s true that you don’t have to allow people back into your life who continue to walk in negative or destructive behaviors, but you do have to forgive them so that you can move forward in the healing process. What else does forgiveness not mean?

“You know, forgiveness doesn’t mean that you are healed or totally recovered,” wrote Rev. Mark T. Barclay in his book How To Survive A Betrayal. “It doesn’t mean you have come to grips with all that has happened. It simply means, ‘I drop the charges.’”

He goes on to advise readers that forgiveness and dropping the charges doesn’t mean that you don’t hold someone accountable if they have violated the law through “physical child abuse, physical spousal abuse, rape, pushing drugs, and so on.

“Don’t hurt yourself by chasing down the wrongdoer … You have the right to hold your aggressors accountable … Don’t try to get even,” Rev. Mark T. Barclay wrote.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you approve of what someone did to you. It means that you are choosing to not allow another’s actions to stop, destroy, or control you anymore. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you stop living your life. It means that you choose to stop thinking about the injustice and move on with your life while having the hope that God will provide justice on your behalf. Forgiveness and acceptance share the same “does not means.”

“Please understand acceptance (forgiveness) does not mean adaptation. It doesn’t mean resignation to the sorry and miserable way things are. It doesn’t mean accepting or tolerating any sort of abuse. It means, for the present moment, that we acknowledge and accept our circumstances, including ourselves and the people in our lives, as we and they are. It is only from that state that we have the peace and the ability to evaluate these circumstances, make appropriate changes, and solve our problems,” wrote Melody Beattie in her book Codependent No More.

While we’re in the season of giving, why not consider forgiving those who have hurt you? And while you’re at it, why not forgive yourself for the things you think you have done wrong?

Forgiveness is giving yourself the gift of freedom!

Posted on November 21, 2018November 2, 2018 by seneeseale

How to give thoughtful gifts

We’re entering gift giving season, and I want to try and help you out. I love receiving gifts! I’m surprised that didn’t end up being one of my top three Love Languages, but what I’m about to reveal to you may be the reason why it didn’t.

I once received a bouquet of red and white carnations – I hate, I mean the deepest form of HATE – carnations and baby’s breath (which I think should be called “baby’s bottom” because they smell just like a dirty diaper to me). If someone can’t afford pale pink, hot pink or yellow roses for me, I would rather have them pick bluebonnets, sunflowers, pink tulips or pink or blue hydrangeas out of someone’s yard than to give me carnations or baby’s breath.

I know the person was trying to do something nice for me, but it just made me feel very conflicted inside because I wanted to feel happy and grateful, but instead I felt disgusted and like an ungrateful brat. On top of that, I felt like I was being given something I thought was crappy because that’s what this person thought I deserved.

I had a husband who would always take out the baby’s breath before he gave me a bouquet of roses. Maybe he did it just so I wouldn’t gripe, but in my opinion, he loved me enough to keep me from feeling that internal conflict. That small action on his part allowed me to feel the love, joy and gratitude his gift brought to me.

We give gifts to others to show them our love and to make them happy because their happiness makes us feel happy. I received for Christmas last year Neiman Marcus gift cards and bath bombs – this person not only knows me so well, but honored me and showed me they believe I’m a person of value and class … It made me feel so much gratitude and love.

You don’t have to have a lot of money and buy expensive gifts to give thoughtful gifts. You just need to know the person and what they value. When I am invited to someone’s home, I never go empty handed. My grandmother taught me when I was young that you always take a gift. It can be something as simple as grocery store roses, a candle or a dish you prepared. When I was in graduate school in California, I was invited to a cohort’s home for a girl’s night, and I took a candle. A couple of weeks later, she stopped me after class one day and told me that she and her husband were really enjoying burning the candle because it brought the Autumn colors and smell into their home. It made me feel good that I did something to bring joy to them.

People register for gifts so that you can avoid creating that conflict within them and so they can get gifts that will help them build their homes together. I once received a wedding gift of purplish and white placemats. I hate the color purple almost as much as I hate carnations and baby’s breath. To make matters worse, there was no way to know where they were purchased, so I couldn’t exchange them for something we could use. Honestly, it felt like this person was re-gifting or pawning off on us something they didn’t want. I felt that internal conflict again, but still sent a thank you note to the person … I wouldn’t have been able to do it the same day that I opened it, but a couple of weeks later I had enough time and emotional energy to be able to do it.

The point I’m trying to get across to you is that it is not the thought that counts when giving gifts because of this internal conflict the recipient feels.

A scientific study published in 2015 in The Journal of Cognition and Emotion found that people who are more independent may experience less gratitude and feel less positively when others do something for them. I’m not sure if this is because they feel more positively when they can achieve things on their own, or if they are so self-aware and know exactly what they want that when they are given something they don’t want they feel that internal conflict I described because they hate the gift but love the giver and want to show gratitude without lying about their feelings toward the gift.

So, how do you know what to give someone? You have to know some things about the person and their values. If someone gave me a $1,000 bottle of wine, I would have to decline the gift because I don’t drink alcohol and loathe the affects it has on the brain, body and the lives of those around the drinker. I would try to be gracious while explaining my reasoning for rejecting the gift. But why even put a person in that uncomfortable situation in the first place? If you know a few things about someone, you can find something they might like:

What’s the person’s favorite color? What colors do that hate/never wear/carry/use?
What is the person’s style? What types of clothes and colors do they usually wear?
What is the person’s lifestyle? Do they have children? Married? Single and an active traveler? Religious? Fisherman? Works with their hands? Makes crafts/goods? Knowing how a person spends his or her free time (or how they want to spend their free time) will help guide you into a good gift idea.
How does a person usually smell? Musky? Floral? Fruity?
What problems do a person need solved?
When in doubt, gift cards are always appreciated … coffee, nail salons, spas, hardware stores, grocery stores, restaurants, etc. can always make a person’s life easier, and isn’t that the real purpose of a gift?

In the second The Hunger Games movie, Pita told Katniss that the only way they could be friends was to get to know things about each other like their favorite colors. He’s right. You will never be able to give an appreciated gift if you don’t take time to pay attention to a person.

I had a cohort in graduate school in Texas bring me a book because I mentioned once or twice that I liked the concepts of certain therapy types because the Bible tells us that we can control our thinking which will affect our actions … That was a very thoughtful gesture I greatly appreciated and used in research for my book The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart.

I know I’ve missed the mark and given bad gifts unknowingly. (I’ve also knocked it out of the park and given gifts that the recipient absolutely loved.) When you’re in doubt, don’t spend much money and don’t push a person for a response to a gift … If they don’t immediately contact you to thank you and show their gratitude, then they are more than likely experiencing that internal conflict because you gave a crappy gift. That’s totally your responsibility … Don’t expect to put the blame on the recipient because you didn’t pay attention to their likes and dislikes, or you gave something you thought they deserved instead of what they actually deserved.

There’s a cheesy Lifetime Christmas movie I watched last year about a personal shopper who was the best at giving gifts people deeply appreciated. What made her better at gift giving than most of us? She admitted that she researched the person before choosing a gift. Her method was so effective that it gained her client favor and business deals he could have never gotten on his own. Use her example and get to know the people in your life.

Catch these first-run Write About It Wednesday blogs every Wednesday. If you want to know how to have successful relationships and peace of mind, you can get a free PDF sample chapter of “The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart” by filling out the form in the sidebar on this page.

Posted on November 16, 2018November 2, 2018 by seneeseale

Where’s your head at?

I spent an entire chapter in “The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart” talking about controlling your own mind, and I was only able to scratch the surface. There’s so much more research and updates that have surfaced during and after releasing the book, that I’m writing an entire book on this one topic.

Your brain is your most precious possession — It controls all the functions of your body without you having to think about them or focus on them at all. It also helps you create brilliant ideas and execute them. I’ve been on this bandwagon for many years, and first wrote about it in 2014. Here’s that Flashback Friday post …

What are you feeding your mind? Are you giving it a steady diet of TV programs depicting sex and violence? Are you listening to songs full of cursing and obscene lyrics?

Just like your body is a product of what you eat, so is your mind. Whatever you think about and meditate on is what will appear in your life.

“The only way to change your life is to change your mindset,” said Bishop T.D. Jakes in one of his Potter’s Touch interviews. “Without it, let’s examine the realities. If you change your surroundings and you get in with the right crowd and you wear the right clothes and you get the right job and you have the right position but you still have the same old perspective, eventually you will alienate every good thing God put around you.”

Some substance users and mentality ill people I’ve known expect others to do everything for them from paying their bills to making them happy, but happiness and peace of mind are inside jobs.

“You must be new, and your perspective must be new. And you must be willing to be fresh if you’re going to change your life because people can’t change your life for you,” Bishop Jakes said. “Parents can say amen to that. How many parents do we know who really want to change the lives of their children? You cannot make the child do what you say. That newness must begin in the individual and then spread to the environment and situation around you.”

I was seeing a therapist before and during my engagement, and he kept suggesting I try mindfulness training. Living in the moment hasn’t been a safe place for me during much of my life, so I dreamed of how I wanted my life to be.

“I encourage you to begin a practice of being more mindful,” said Dr. Wayne Dyer in his 2014 PBS special. “This is, in fact, what I did to end my lifetime habit of being forgetful, particularly when it came to where I placed my car keys.

“These days when I swim, I experience my arms moving, my legs kicking, my shoulders stretching, the feel and taste of the salt water, my fingers cupped and moving the water, my breathing, my heart rate . . . all of it. Practicing mindfulness has taught me how to be in the moment and find myself as well as my keys,” he said.

Dr. Dyer often said, “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” It’s easy to worry and look at things from a negative perspective in the world we live in today. The more aware of your thoughts you are, the better chance you have of changing them.

“You can change your life by changing your perspective,” Bishop Jakes said. “The only difference between you and the person you admire is the perspective they have on life.”

What do you do to generate and maintain positive thoughts, especially during times of trouble?

Posted on November 10, 2018February 15, 2020 by seneeseale

Is it the ‘Baby Blues’ or full blown Postpartum Psychosis?

It’s a day late this week, but this Flashback Friday post from 2014 was inspired by a comment on my post this week …

I’ve had several friends have babies in the past year, and I’ve often thought of their emotional states after the little miracles arrive. One of my single girlfriends from college recently adopted a newborn. My friend is a very successful professional who seems to have it all going for her. After hearing of her new baby I couldn’t help but think of how she didn’t have to go through the changes in her body — not only the weight gain and stretch marks but also the hormone shifts and postpartum depression.

The Centers for Disease Control estimates that 10- to 15 percent of women who have given birth experience Postpartum Depression (PPD) within the first year of giving birth.

“PPD has important consequences for the well-being of mothers and their children,” writes the CDC on its website. “For example, in a 2006 study, mothers who reported depressive symptoms were less likely to engage in practices to promote child development, such as playing with their infant. PPD might also be associated with discontinuation of breastfeeding.”

According to the CDC, significant risk factors for Postpartum Depressive Symptoms (PDS) include:

Using tobacco during the last 3 months of pregnancy,
Physical abuse before or during pregnancy,
Partner-related stress during pregnancy,
Traumatic stress during pregnancy,
Financial stress during pregnancy,
Delivering a low birth weight infant,
Experiencing emotional stress during pregnancy, and
NICU admission.

“The associations are not unexpected, given that these risk factors all can be considered either actual stressors or indicators of stress during pregnancy,” writes the CDC on its website. “Further research is needed to examine the relationship between stressors during pregnancy and PDS.”

While feeling down is perfectly normal considering the hormone changes that take place, extreme cases of Postpartum Psychosis can be deadly.

I was working as a reporter for The Galveston County Daily News when the Andrea Yates retrial verdict was brought down in 2006. For those who don’t remember, Andrea Yates was a mother of several young children in a Houston suburb who said she heard God tell her to drown all of them in her bathtub so they would be innocent enough to make it to heaven. Yates was found not guilty by reason of insanity and was committed to a state mental hospital to be held until she is no longer deemed a threat. (If she had been convicted of murder, she would have been sentenced to life in prison.)

For the story, I interviewed William Winslade, medical ethics and law professor at the University of Texas Medical Branch and author of the book Insanity Plea. He thought the plea has been abused and should be taken off the table in most cases, but not in the Yates case. He said he believed the insanity plea was appropriate “given how crazy she was at that time.”

The Yates case is an extreme example of Postpartum Psychosis (where the person is hearing voices and seeing things that are not physically there). It isn’t the norm but should be used as a reminder of how important it is to seek help at the first sign of something being “off.”

“The continuum of depressive disorders after delivery ranges from ‘baby blues’ to PPD,” the CDC writes on its website. “Although ‘baby blues’ is more prevalent, the symptoms of this disorder, which occur within the first few weeks after delivery, are less severe and do not require treatment. PPD can occur up to a year after delivery, is more severe, and requires treatment by a physician.”

If you’re a new mom and are experiencing any symptoms, know that it’s perfectly normal to feel down. However, it’s also important to get help from a mental health professional if symptoms continue. Many options ranging from drug therapy to talk therapy are available to help you.

Posted on November 7, 2018November 6, 2018 by seneeseale

You are what you eat? No … You are what you SPEAK!

We speak our futures into existence. The Bible tells us that. The New Age movement tells us that. Other religions tell us that. So, if this is true, why are we should-ing all over ourselves, or worse yet, speaking negative people, things and circumstances into our lives?

We must realize that our words are powerful and can create positive or negative realities for us. When we say anything after “I AM,” we’re almost guaranteed to get it!

A couple of months ago, I had a vision of my best friend and I making a list, but instead of creating a vision board or a positive affirmation list, it was an I AM list. Mine would look something like this:

• I AM loveable.

• I AM an attractor of unconditional love.

• I AM crowned with favor.

• I AM overtaken by success and prosperity.

• I AM prosperous in everything I do.

• I AM successful in my career, and I AM paid well for my efforts.

• I AM an attractor of quality people who value me, show me unconditional love and help me achieve my goals.

• I AM a person of quality and high integrity.

• I AM capable of having quality relationships, and I AM an attractor of those who are the same.

• I AM a high energy person and resonate in high energy fields.

• I AM light and love.

Yes, we’re all human and can allow ourselves to have our buttons pushed from time to time. However, once we grasp how powerful our words are, we can no longer let ourselves speak negative things into our lives. We have to give ourselves a Take Two.

A few weeks ago, I started doing something different. Every morning when I’m drinking coffee and waking up, I place my invisible crown on my head and say out loud, “I AM crowned with favor. I have favor with everyone I come into contact with today!” It works!

Just the other day, I was taking some boxes to my car, and one was really heavy. I whispered, “Father, please help me get this box to my car.” I fumbled with it for about 30 seconds, then just when I was about to drop it, a guy showed up in the parking lot (seemingly our of nowhere) and asked if I needed help … I thought the Father was just going to give me the strength to carry the box, but instead he sent someone to do the heavy lifting for me less than a minute after I asked!

Your words are powerful! Use them as your superpower to create a beautiful, peaceful life!

Posted on November 2, 2018November 2, 2018 by seneeseale

Choosing a running mate

The midterm elections are coming up next week, so it’s an appropriate time to revisit this post from 2016 …

With all the talk lately about who Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump will pick to be their vice presidential running mates, it’s had me thinking about choosing a spouse.

Trump said he wanted to pick someone who was strong in areas where he was weak. I believe that should be one of the top priorities when picking a life mate, as well. Dr. Wayne Dyer often said, “You shouldn’t marry a mirror.” What he meant was, you shouldn’t marry someone who is exactly like you and who likes all the things in life that you do. Yes, it’s important to have big things in common like religious beliefs, common goals for you as a couple and as a family. However, in my opinion and observation throughout more than four decades on this planet, the true strength of a couple is only realized when trouble strikes (and it always does). When there is at least one person who is strong in that area, he or she can cover for the both of them and show the weaker one how to rise up and become stronger.

I learned while studying Social Psychology and working as a Research Assistant studying couples in relationships that opposites do not, in fact, attract. Their differences are so great that they appear to be all an outsider can see, but they actually have many things in common which bring them together and keeps them together.

So, how do you know if you’re choosing a good “running mate?”

In their book Safe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren’t, Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend recommend looking for these traits in your relationships:

Are they living up to their commitments to me?
Are they here for me only when I’m here? (Do they disappear? Do you know how and where they are spending their time when they’re not physically with you?)
Do they tell me “no” when they don’t have time? (Do they make time for you even when their time is limited, or do they tell you to “just get in line behind everyone else in my life?”)
Do they make promises they can’t (or won’t) keep?
Am I the last in a string of broken relationships?
Do others warn me about their patterns of relating? (Have you been warned that they promise to marry someone then run off with her sister or his best friend? Have you been told he or she runs from their responsibility in relationships, be them unexpected children or financial?)

It takes time to find out most of these things about a person. That is why I like the advice of being with someone for four seasons or about nine months to a year. I will further refine that by saying, you should DATE someone for four seasons, not be engaged for four seasons (nor living together). Once you enter the engagement phase, it can feel harder to get out of the relationship after you’ve announced the wedding date, paid deposits and promised to marry someone. It is also harder to process and accept negative information about someone after you have already fallen in love with them — even if their family member tells you they have a pattern of being a “runaway bride or groom,” it can be harder to accept the information then make an informed decision of what is best for YOU in the situation. This is where having close family and friends to vet your perspective “running mates” is crucial.

Every single person up for serious consideration of the job for vice presidential candidates must fill out a long, involved background form, go through a background check, have their friends, family and coworkers interviewed and interview with multiple people. If this process is this important for a four-year job, why shouldn’t it apply to a lifetime position?

I was telling a girlfriend going through a serious breakup the other day that I really understand why it was so important for a man to get a girl’s parents permission to date and marry her — having people outside the relationship with her best interests at heart is critical to making an informed decision.

Consider getting some of your closest friends and family on your advisory team to start vetting the next people who come into your life.

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