We’re entering gift giving season, and I want to try and help you out. I love receiving gifts! I’m surprised that didn’t end up being one of my top three Love Languages, but what I’m about to reveal to you may be the reason why it didn’t.
I once received a bouquet of red and white carnations – I hate, I mean the deepest form of HATE – carnations and baby’s breath (which I think should be called “baby’s bottom” because they smell just like a dirty diaper to me). If someone can’t afford pale pink, hot pink or yellow roses for me, I would rather have them pick bluebonnets, sunflowers, pink tulips or pink or blue hydrangeas out of someone’s yard than to give me carnations or baby’s breath.
I know the person was trying to do something nice for me, but it just made me feel very conflicted inside because I wanted to feel happy and grateful, but instead I felt disgusted and like an ungrateful brat. On top of that, I felt like I was being given something I thought was crappy because that’s what this person thought I deserved.
I had a husband who would always take out the baby’s breath before he gave me a bouquet of roses. Maybe he did it just so I wouldn’t gripe, but in my opinion, he loved me enough to keep me from feeling that internal conflict. That small action on his part allowed me to feel the love, joy and gratitude his gift brought to me.
We give gifts to others to show them our love and to make them happy because their happiness makes us feel happy. I received for Christmas last year Neiman Marcus gift cards and bath bombs – this person not only knows me so well, but honored me and showed me they believe I’m a person of value and class … It made me feel so much gratitude and love.
You don’t have to have a lot of money and buy expensive gifts to give thoughtful gifts. You just need to know the person and what they value. When I am invited to someone’s home, I never go empty handed. My grandmother taught me when I was young that you always take a gift. It can be something as simple as grocery store roses, a candle or a dish you prepared. When I was in graduate school in California, I was invited to a cohort’s home for a girl’s night, and I took a candle. A couple of weeks later, she stopped me after class one day and told me that she and her husband were really enjoying burning the candle because it brought the Autumn colors and smell into their home. It made me feel good that I did something to bring joy to them.
People register for gifts so that you can avoid creating that conflict within them and so they can get gifts that will help them build their homes together. I once received a wedding gift of purplish and white placemats. I hate the color purple almost as much as I hate carnations and baby’s breath. To make matters worse, there was no way to know where they were purchased, so I couldn’t exchange them for something we could use. Honestly, it felt like this person was re-gifting or pawning off on us something they didn’t want. I felt that internal conflict again, but still sent a thank you note to the person … I wouldn’t have been able to do it the same day that I opened it, but a couple of weeks later I had enough time and emotional energy to be able to do it.
The point I’m trying to get across to you is that it is not the thought that counts when giving gifts because of this internal conflict the recipient feels.
A scientific study published in 2015 in The Journal of Cognition and Emotion found that people who are more independent may experience less gratitude and feel less positively when others do something for them. I’m not sure if this is because they feel more positively when they can achieve things on their own, or if they are so self-aware and know exactly what they want that when they are given something they don’t want they feel that internal conflict I described because they hate the gift but love the giver and want to show gratitude without lying about their feelings toward the gift.
So, how do you know what to give someone? You have to know some things about the person and their values. If someone gave me a $1,000 bottle of wine, I would have to decline the gift because I don’t drink alcohol and loathe the affects it has on the brain, body and the lives of those around the drinker. I would try to be gracious while explaining my reasoning for rejecting the gift. But why even put a person in that uncomfortable situation in the first place? If you know a few things about someone, you can find something they might like:
- What’s the person’s favorite color? What colors do that hate/never wear/carry/use?
- What is the person’s style? What types of clothes and colors do they usually wear?
- What is the person’s lifestyle? Do they have children? Married? Single and an active traveler? Religious? Fisherman? Works with their hands? Makes crafts/goods? Knowing how a person spends his or her free time (or how they want to spend their free time) will help guide you into a good gift idea.
- How does a person usually smell? Musky? Floral? Fruity?
- What problems do a person need solved?
- When in doubt, gift cards are always appreciated … coffee, nail salons, spas, hardware stores, grocery stores, restaurants, etc. can always make a person’s life easier, and isn’t that the real purpose of a gift?
In the second The Hunger Games movie, Pita told Katniss that the only way they could be friends was to get to know things about each other like their favorite colors. He’s right. You will never be able to give an appreciated gift if you don’t take time to pay attention to a person.
I had a cohort in graduate school in Texas bring me a book because I mentioned once or twice that I liked the concepts of certain therapy types because the Bible tells us that we can control our thinking which will affect our actions … That was a very thoughtful gesture I greatly appreciated and used in research for my book The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart.
I know I’ve missed the mark and given bad gifts unknowingly. (I’ve also knocked it out of the park and given gifts that the recipient absolutely loved.) When you’re in doubt, don’t spend much money and don’t push a person for a response to a gift … If they don’t immediately contact you to thank you and show their gratitude, then they are more than likely experiencing that internal conflict because you gave a crappy gift. That’s totally your responsibility … Don’t expect to put the blame on the recipient because you didn’t pay attention to their likes and dislikes, or you gave something you thought they deserved instead of what they actually deserved.
There’s a cheesy Lifetime Christmas movie I watched last year about a personal shopper who was the best at giving gifts people deeply appreciated. What made her better at gift giving than most of us? She admitted that she researched the person before choosing a gift. Her method was so effective that it gained her client favor and business deals he could have never gotten on his own. Use her example and get to know the people in your life.
Catch these first-run Write About It Wednesday blogs every Wednesday. If you want to know how to have successful relationships and peace of mind, you can get a free PDF sample chapter of “The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart” by filling out the form in the sidebar on this page.
