Category: Codependence recovery

It’s the week leading up to my birthday and always a time of great reflection for me. We all know that 2020 has been a rough year for all of us — in one way or another — but it has been a year of great joy and fulfillment for me, personally. I’m so grateful for things that have happened this year that have caused me to grow and brought me great joy. One of those things was releasing my latest book The Princess Guide to Loving Yourself First. That book literally changed my life because I practice everything I write about … It’s the only way I can live with myself knowing that I’m practicing the two qualities I value most — authenticity and integrity.

In 2018, I was working in a very stressful environment, and my daily theme song was Love by The Sundays. “Love, love, love. Just love yourself like no one else. Love. It’s enough. And they can say what they like, but they still can’t take your love.” I heard the words every day, but they really didn’t sink in until I started doing the research for the book.

People who are in service to self will tell you that loving yourself is selfish. That it’s wrong. Why? They want you to put their wants and needs ahead of your own to aid in their service to themselves. However, I firmly believe that loving yourself (in a healthy way) is the firm foundation needed for every relationship you have in life. When you love and value yourself, you will make decisions out of a place of empowerment and an abundance of love that will be for your highest good. These decisions will also positively impact others around you even if they don’t result in the outcome they want.

As I talk about in The Princess Guide to Loving Yourself First, when speaking about self-love — also referred to in psychological circles as self-compassion — researchers are finding it is not only the key to positive mental health, but also the key to life. “Though the term ‘self-compassion’ may sound like self-indulgence or may feel like a weakness, it is actually the secret to resilience, strength in the face of failure, the ability to learn from mistakes and to bounce back with greater enthusiasm,” wrote Dr. Emma Seppala. “Self-compassion involves treating oneself as one would a friend, being more mindful and understanding our situation in the context of a larger human experience. When we can be more understanding and gentler with ourselves, identify less with the emotions that surround our mistakes and understand that failure is a normal part of the larger human experience, we become stronger and more successful in the long run … the state of your life depends on the state of your mind. So, be kind to yourself.”

I believe it’s important to honor yourself every, single day — not just on your birthday, once a year. Wordnik defines honor as, “High respect, as that shown for special merit; recognition or esteem. Great privilege.” When we practice loving and honoring ourselves, we build our self-confidence and begin acting from a place of empowerment and not lack. We learn to go to the kingdom within us to find the answers for ourselves, and we also learn how to honor others around us.

I’ve had to learn not to let anyone take my crown and lure me off my throne — meaning: I have to do what is best for me and not allow others to mistreat me whether it be in friendship relationships, work relationships or romantic relationships. Most wedding vows will have each person promise to “love, honor and cherish” their spouse, but how can you promise such a thing if you haven’t even practiced it on yourself first?

If you’ve never known how to practice honoring yourself or want to learn new techniques, Dr. Margaret Paul, a relationship expert, gave The Huffington Post these suggestions in 2015 that still ring true today:

1. Listen within to your own feelings. Many people easily tune into others’ feelings yet have no idea what they feel. If you ignore a child’s feelings, that child will feel unloved. Ignoring your own feelings has the same result — your inner child feels rejected, abandoned and unloved by you.

2. Be compassionate with your feelings. If you judge your feelings, telling yourself you are wrong for having them, your inner child will feel rejected and abandoned by you. If you are kind, gentle, tender, understanding and accepting of your feelings, your inner child will feel loved by you.

3. Be open to learning about what your feelings are telling you. Just as an actual child feels loved when you are compassionately interested in why he or she is hurting, your inner child will feel loved when you explore what your feelings are telling you. All feelings are informational. Just as physical pain alerts you to a problem that needs attention, so does emotional pain. Painful feelings are telling you that you are abandoning yourself, that someone is being unloving to you — or to themselves or to others — or that a situation is not good for you. Compassionately attending to your feelings, learning what they are telling you and then taking action to remedy the situation will make you feel loved.

4. Create a solid connection with a spiritual source of love, wisdom and comfort. Love is not a feeling we generate from our mind. It comes from the heart when our heart is open to our source of love. When you open to learning with your higher power about loving yourself and others, love flows into your heart and you feel loved.

5. Choose to be around loving people. We don’t always have a choice — such as in work relationships — but when we do have a choice — such as in personal relationships — choosing to be around caring, supportive and accepting people will make you feel loved. If, when you have a choice, you consistently engage with unkind, judgmental or abusive people, the message you are sending to yourself is that you are not worth loving.

6. Take loving actions for yourself around others. When you are around someone who is being unkind, speak up for yourself letting the person know that you don’t like being treated that way. Then, either be open to learning about what is going on [with the other person], or lovingly disengage from the interaction. Allowing others to treat you badly sends a message to your inner child that he or she is not worth loving.

7. Take care of your body, your time, your space and your finances. You will feel loved and lovable when you feed yourself healthy food and get exercise and sleep. When you ignore your health, you are giving yourself the message that you are not worth loving. When you respect your own and others’ time and space, you are letting yourself know that you are worth it. When you overspend, putting yourself in unnecessary debt, you are not taking loving care of yourself, and your inner child will feel scared, alone and unloved. Just as an actual child needs to feel safe regarding the necessities of life, your inner child needs to feel the same way.

8. Find work you love. Since work takes up a big part of your day, finding or creating work that fulfills you is vitally important. If you continue to force yourself to stay at jobs you hate, the message to yourself is that you are not worth doing whatever it is you need to do to create a fulfilling work life.

9. Create balance. We need balance in our life to feel loved and lovable. We need time to work and time to rest and rejuvenate. We also need time to nurture our body and soul through activities that bring us joy.

Loving yourself and practicing these loving actions will not only help you get healthy self-esteem that no one can take away from you, but it will also give you the skills you need to love others when the right relationship comes into your life.

Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives and relationships. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations.