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Lessons learned from grieving the death of an estranged parent
Month: January 2021
How to grieve the death of an estranged parent
How to move through troubled times
I was talking with someone recently about how 2020 was a hard year in many ways, but it also went by very quickly. (Thank God for that.) Facing troubled times is part of life. These moments can make or break us, but the incredible news is that you get to determine the outcome. I always advise people to move through difficult times and not pitch a tent or (worse yet) build a house and live there. If you can be cognizant of facing troubled times in your life with grace and dignity while focusing on how you can change yourself, then you are doing it perfectly and will have a positive outcome.
Last Halloween night, I remembered something I had totally forgotten. When I was in college, I went to a haunted house with some of my sorority sisters. I am not a haunted house kind of girl. I don’t watch scary movies. I don’t allow negative energy like that around me at all because I protect my kingdom and don’t want that negative energy around or in me. However, that night. I went.
I remember standing in line with my sisters, and a couple of guys were next to us. I didn’t know them, but I grabbed both of their arms and told them they were going through that haunted house with me and instructed them to not allow anyone to touch me. I remembered standing in-between them with my head down and eyes closed. Those poor guys must have had sore arms for days after I got finished with them because I was holding on tight to both of them, but I got through it (with the help of two total strangers).
It is perfectly alright to seek help when you’re going through a difficult time — In fact, that is exactly the time to seek help. (I offer coaching services, if you were not aware.) When I was in graduate school studying Marriage & Family Therapy and Clinical Mental Health Counseling, it was stressed to us that every good therapist has a therapist. I’ve often described it like this: When you’re in the middle of a tornado, (I can imagine) all you can see are the cows and pickup trucks swirling around you. You have no idea where you are or what’s going on outside the storm. That’s where a professional or close friend comes into play because these people outside your situation can see things very clearly and can guide you in a positive direction. Part of changing your life and moving in a positive direction is letting go of resentments.
“Letting go of resentments … means we accept what happened in the past, and we set boundaries for the future,” wrote Melody Beattie in The Language of Letting Go. “We try to see the good in the person, or the good that ultimately evolved from whatever incident we feel resentful about. We try to see our part.” I believe one good way to redirect our focus and come to a place of acceptance is to practice gratitude.
When I was a little girl, my Pa-Paw liked to tinker with objects and make new creations out of them. He would catch grasshoppers, shellack them, make cowboy hats out of felt, microphones out of straight pins with colored balls on the ends, and whittle instruments out of wood to create a grasshopper band in a class jar. (I have one that is not my style but is one of my prized possessions since his passing.) He also made a pig pen out of wood with pecans as the pigs and imitation pearls glued to the floor. On the bottom, underneath it, he wrote, “Matthew 7:6, [Christ said] “’Do not give that which is holy to dogs, and do not throw your pearls before pigs, for they will trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.’”
That was a powerful illustration that I will always remember. It means that — just like real pearls formed inside a clam shell through the process of irritation from a grain of sand — we hold great value from the irritating process of life that we have experienced. We can allow each and every experience to give value to our lives by learning the lessons, or we can choose to become a bitter victim — this choice will leave you disempowered and at the mercy of other people outside yourself, and I don’t recommend it.
I believe that we are all sacred, beautiful beings. We are holy just for existing — regardless of our past behaviors. That’s why it’s so important to guard the castle — as I often like to say — and not allow just anyone to be part of our lives or build a home in our hearts or minds. Just know that you deserve to have people in your life who resonate at the same vibrational, spiritual level that you do. If you have been functioning in low-energy behaviors such as anger, fear, jealousy, envy, drama and being in service to self, this may indicate that you have been attracting people who display the same behaviors. You can change this about yourself. Once you do the internal work, you will notice that you will begin attracting people who resonate on a higher frequency of love, joy, peace, kindness, optimism and who are in service to others.
Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives and relationships. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. If you’d like to work directly with Senée, she’s offering deeply discounted coaching and counseling rates through the end of 2020.
Coming to a place of acceptance
I recently had to go to my nail salon to pick up my glasses I had left on my last visit. I live next to a large Jewish community, and the salon is always full of lovely Jewish woman talking loudly about their lives. (Sometimes, I feel like I’m in the middle of an episode of The Marvelous Mrs. Mazel while I’m sitting there getting my nails done and listening to everyone.) As I was standing inside the door asking about my glasses, a nice, older Jewish woman walked past me as she was leaving and said, “Those boots are fabulous!” I was wearing my Tiffany Blue/turquoise cowboy boots with flowers on them. I said, “Oh, thank you,” and made my way to the lost and found wall where there was quite a collection of reading glasses that had been left.
I found mine, thanked the staff and went to my car. I got in, turned it on and rolled the windows down. My radio was blasting 80s New Wave music, but I could hear that someone outside was talking to me. I turned the radio down, and the same lady said, “I’m slow. So, I’ll just stand here until you leave.” (I must have parked right beside her.) I said, “Oh, OK.” She looked at me through the open window of my BMW and said, “You have a great life!” I responded, “Oh, thank you so much! You too!” I think that was the first time in my life that someone I had never seen before wished me a great life. Was she an angel sent to encourage me that day? Anything is possible, as far as I’m concerned. I just know that her words were really powerful and got my attention. Actually, I really needed to hear that encouragement on that day.
I realize that some people may look at me and think I have a great life — and in many ways, I do. I’m grateful for what I do have, but it isn’t the life I’ve always dreamed about — at least not yet. I’ve come to the conclusion that we have to get through the grieving process. We really have to grieve the perceived losses in life to get to a place of acceptance. It’s the last step in the grieving process, and the only place from which we can make healthy decisions for change.
Merriam-Webster defines the root word accept as “endure without protest or reaction; to recognize as true.” Personally, I don’t think acceptance means that we have to like what is, but we have to acknowledge that it is what it is and be alright with it and not let it bother us. In her book The Language of Letting Go, Melody Beattie wrote that you should tell yourself, “I know this is exactly the way it’s supposed to be for the moment.” That’s a very freeing statement that comes with a lot of hope in the way I read it. Accepting yourself and your situation, knowing that it is only momentary and that you give it your full permission and faith to change in a positive way is very empowering.
We have such a limited view of things in any given moment. We don’t have the luxury we have when watching a movie or TV show. We can’t see what’s happening in the lives of everyone around us, what they are thinking or telling others. We just don’t know what’s really going on, but we can hold on to the hope that all things are working together for our highest good [Romans 8:28]. I have a coffee mug sitting on my kitchen counter to force myself to look at it every day and remind myself of its words, “With God, all things are possible –Matthew 19:2.” It doesn’t matter if you consider yourself religious — I truly believe that God (as you know it) created the universe and can help you manifest anything. All things are possible, if you only believe.
Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives and relationships. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. If you’d like to work directly with Senée, she’s accepting new coaching and counseling clients.
