Month: February 2020

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Flashback Friday: Which relationship are you putting first?

This week, we’re flashing back to 2015 and continuing to talk about the most important relationship you have …

I had someone write me recently expressing her struggle in getting over being cheated on. I’ve been there. One of the first questions I asked myself was, “What did I do wrong?”

Now that I’ve lived life for a little while, I’m coming to the conclusion that it typically has little or nothing to do with what I could have done differently to prevent my partner from cheating and everything to do with me neglecting another relationship.

The key for me to heal after such devastation (and believe me when I say being cheated on and lied to is devastating) was working on the most important relationship of all — the relationship I have with myself. I’m coming to the conclusion that all relationships are meant to reflect, enhance and expose the relationship we have with ourselves.

Movies like Jerry Maguire tell us we are not whole and need a spouse to complete us. Stories like Beauty and the Beast and even Fifty Shades of Gray tell us if we try hard enough, are good enough and love the right way we can change any difficult person into someone royal who will love, cherish and provide for us.

It goes against everything Hollywood and the fairytales tell us, but when we can truly learn to love and cherish ourselves, then all other relationships in our lives will be enhanced. And I might add that reconnecting to God/higher power/universe/source energy … whatever you choose to call it is also where the healing process will begin.

I was regularly practicing meditation, seeing a therapist, attending Al-Anon meetings and exercising which promoted great healing and internal growth in my life.  I looked and felt positive and optimistic about my life, and I had an overwhelming peace about my present and future. I fell in love with someone, and it all stopped. I stopped doing what worked for me to not make someone else feel uncomfortable, but the end result was losing the progress I had made.

Dr. Wayne Dyer often talks about how you can’t go outside yourself looking for what’s missing.  It’s like looking for your keys in the front yard under the street light when you lost them inside the dark house. So, how do you start falling in love with yourself? Leslie Braswell offers these suggestions:

  • Do you love yourself? Are you happy with yourself? If not, take some time, two weeks or longer if need be, to get right with the person that matters most — you.
  • During this time forget about dating and understand that there is no [other person] in the world that your happiness should depend on.
  • Reflect on what makes you content and fulfilled. It’s imperative to always seek out ways to improve your life and to be open to the possibility of love when it comes knocking.
  • Make a list of everything you enjoy doing, but neglected while in a relationship. Do whatever you have to do to make yourself feel beautiful and amazing.
  • Get a mini makeover. A full-blown spa day does wonders to lift a girl’s spirits, helps you to relax and makes you look and feel great.
  • If you can afford a little shopping spree then make a date with yourself to go shopping.
  • Contact old friends you neglected when you were in a relationship.
  • Hit the gym. Now more than ever, it’s important to keep yourself healthy. It’ll make you feel better and relieve stress at the same time.
  • Schedule a girl’s night out with a few of your close, trusted friends. These are the girls you should be able to trust to keep your deepest secrets.
  • Get your house in order. It doesn’t have to be a penthouse, but clean and organized doesn’t cost a cent. Make the best of what you have.

It Isn’t easy. If it were, we would all be pros at it and therapists and life guides like me would be out of jobs, but I believe it’s possible. How are you nurturing the relationship with yourself?

Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives and relationships. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. For more information on how to have successful relationships and peace of mind, check out the website today!

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Flashback Friday: Are you willing to go through the transformation to become a butterfly?

I heard a local weatherman saying this week that meteorological Spring begins March 1. So, this week, we’re thinking about flowers and warm weather, and flashing back to 2017 to talk about butterflies and the transformation process …

I was at a minister’s conference recently and was talking with a pastor and his family at lunch one day about the book I’m writing. I was explaining how during this process I have been seeing a vision of a butterfly.

I like butterflies and even chose a butterfly garden wedding china pattern, but I’ve never been really crazy about them until now. One day, I realized that I will never crawl on my belly again like a worm because I am being transformed into a beautiful butterfly that will fly above every situation and see the full picture and truth of the matter. 

I told the pastor and his family about how I keep thinking about being in that cocoon — You may be in a cocoon near others in one, but it’s a process you must go through alone. That process has to be painful for the caterpillar, but as long as no one interferes, it will emerge as a beautiful butterfly. The pastor said all the ministers sitting in the dining room with us were in cocoons — It was a cocoon conference.

I’ve learned that you just hold on, and let the transformation take place. The key is to enjoy your cocoon time even if you feel like you’re being hidden and overlooked.

The Princess Guide Senee Seale

It’s very important to note that if someone outside cuts open the cocoon, the transformation stops and the worm/butterfly dies. Protect your cocoon. Don’t let anyone “help” you through the process because it will kill the transformation and could kill you spiritually/emotionally. I’m not talking about seeking guidance from therapists or clergy, I’m talking about getting involved in new relationships here. I don’t advertise it. Once you get inside that cocoon, there’s no turning back.

You know, there’s a reason when you’re working a recovery program that you’re given a sponsor of your same gender and are told not to start a new romantic relationship for a year or two … It’s harder to heal and transform in the presence of the opposite sex. The time will come when you can spend time with whomever you want, but the purpose of the process is transformation, and that can’t happen with outside influence. Lasting change, real transformation, can only happen in the cocoon! You need to learn to question all your motives and decisions to make sure your intentions and heart are pure, and that you’re going into situations that will benefit you and send you further into your calling.

I was counseling someone on this topic, and was asked, “How do I know I’m out of the cocoon?” I think you just know. People keep telling me how much I’ve changed — not only on the outside, but that I’m different inside. I’m starting to see that because I’m thinking differently and not reacting to everything like I used to. Things that used to be acceptable to me no longer are … My standards are higher. I don’t feel like I’m operating from a place of desperation — that place that will cause you to make bad choices every time. Now, I’m constantly asking myself, “Is this something a princess would do? Is this living to a higher, royal standard?”

I believe when things that used to deeply hurt you no longer have an effect on how you feel about yourself, then you’ll be out of the cocoon. During this process, it’s important to remember that all lasting change begins in the mind.

When we focus on gratitude and the positive things in our lives, we are literally changing our brains by creating new neuropathways. Focus on the positives and all the progress you have made, then you will be able to see the changes.

Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives and relationships. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. For more information on how to have successful relationships and peace of mind, check out the website today!

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Flashback Friday: Are you looking for love in all the wrong places?

Since today is Valentine’s Day, I thought it would be a good time to talk about the most important kind of love — self-love. As I’ve been writing my upcoming book “The Princess Guide to Loving Yourself First,” I’ve been on my own self-love journey. What I’ve found is that when I’m practicing healthy self-love, I have love to give others, and I’m not needy for love from others … I’ve learned the hard way that kind of desperation can get you into a lot of trouble and unnecessary heartbreak. So, let’s flashback to October 2018 …

It’s my birthday week, and I’ve been thinking a lot about love lately — not the kind of external love we automatically think about, although that’s been on my mind too — I’m talking about the internal love no one can take away from us.

In our modern-day culture, we tend to think that the only love that counts is the external love from another person typically in a romantic setting. There’s an old song with the lyrics, “You’re nobody until somebody loves you.” I must disagree with this statement. We come from pure love. We are loved greatly by the Creator of All. We have ancestors and spiritual relatives who love and protect us, even though we may not see or encounter them in this realm of existence.

I spent an entire chapter of The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart talking about loving yourself, but it hasn’t been until recent weeks that I’m starting to realize what that really looks like.

The last line of John Mayer’s song New Light poses the question, “What do I do with all this love flowing through my veins for you?” I dare say, once again, that you give all that love back to yourself until you have someone in your life to give that love to who will love you back. That last part is very important because if you aren’t receiving love back from a person, you’re in an unbalanced and unhealthy relationship.

Lately, I’ve been listening daily to The Sundays song Love. The lyrics are profound and have really redirected my thinking about self-love.

So, killing me with love, love, love just love yourself like no one else.
Love, it’s enough.
So, they can say what they like, but they still can’t take
Your love, your love, your love just love yourself like nobody else.
Time’s so scarce where I come from
Let them say what they like, but they still can’t take your love.

When we finally realize who we are, that we ARE love and are deeply loved, no one can take that away from us. Will there be times when we feel lonely and unloved? Of course! I can’t tell you how many birthdays (including the last three and probably this upcoming one) and holidays I’ve spent totally alone. I’ve learned a very valuable lesson, though … When I’m alone on special days, I can spend them doing anything I want to do! I don’t have anyone telling me I’m not worthy of celebrating or that I want too much. I can spend as much or as little money on myself and feel very good about it because I don’t have anyone dictating to me my worth.

Senee Seale The Princess Guide

So, how do you show love to yourself? You do exactly what I explain in the book … You talk to yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you’re beautiful, handsome, talented, honorable, worthy and lovable. I’ve never had a problem looking at myself naked in the mirror — even when I weighed my largest — but It’s taken me decades to finally look in that mirror and see a divine, pretty princess who is beautiful on the inside and outside. I actually see her now, and I’m so grateful that I got to spend this existence in a beautiful, healthy body. Am I perfect? I’m still breathing, so the answer is no. However, I’m learning to appreciate all that I am and all that I have while not dwelling on all those who have walked away from me or those who terrorized me while they were in my life. I see the good in the now, and the present moment really is the gift.

I used to think that the only way a gift mattered was if it was given by someone I loved. I now realize that giving gifts to myself in love is just as important, and they come with no strings or expectations attached.

If you long for someone to give you your favorite flowers, go buy some for yourself or plant them in a pot so that you can have them near you all year long. If you dream of dancing with someone, enroll in dancing classes at a local studio and let them pair you up with someone while you’re waiting on the right person to show up in your life. If you love sports and want a partner to watch games with you, join a Meetup group for sports fans, attend college alumni watching parties or go to a local sports bar and make friends. If you love live music, go see a show by yourself — It hasn’t happened in a long time, but I have seriously had some great fun when I ended up going out all by myself. Don’t sit around waiting and wishing for things to change … Do things now that make you happy and show positive love for yourself.

Recently, I was not feeling well, and I was really wishing my Granny were still alive so that I could curl up in her lap and let her rock me in her rocking chair. I found myself sitting in my own rocking chair. I wrapped my arms around myself, began rocking and I said what I would tell any sick little child I was rocking, “I know you feel really bad right now, but you’re going to be alright. Your body is magnificent and will repair and heal itself. You just need to close your eyes, fall asleep and let your body do its work.” That’s exactly what I needed in that moment, and it was fascinating and wonderful that I was able to give myself what I was longing to receive from someone externally.

In case you’re wondering if what I’m explaining is being “full of yourself” or Narcissistic, the answer is no. (I write extensively about this in the upcoming book “The Princess Guide to Loving Yourself First,”) I was talking about this subject with a therapist friend of mine, and she seemed to agree with my distinction between healthy self-love and someone who is ego-driven or who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). I believe that people with highly inflated egos and NPD exude negative energy, while people with positive self-love, genuinely love themselves and exude that positive love to everyone around them.

When you learn to treat yourself with true love and respect, you won’t allow others to mistreat you … That’s a promise from a princess! 🙂

You can find these Flashback Friday blogs posted every Friday. Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives and relationships. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. For more information on how to have successful relationships and peace of mind, check out the website today!

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Flashback Friday: Choosing a Running Mate

This week, we’re flashing back to 2016. With this not only being another election year, but also a week when many people will become engaged, it seems appropriate to revisit this topic …

With all the talk lately about who Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump will pick to be their vice-presidential running mates, it’s had me thinking about choosing a spouse.

Trump said he wanted to pick someone who was strong in areas where he was weak. I believe that should be one of the top priorities when picking a life mate, as well. Dr. Wayne Dyer often said, “You shouldn’t marry a mirror.” What he meant was, you shouldn’t marry someone who is exactly like you and likes all the things in life that you do. Yes, it’s important to have big things in common like religious beliefs, common goals for you as a couple and as a family, but in my opinion and observation throughout more than four decades on this planet, the true strength of a couple is only realized when trouble strikes (and it always does). It’s important to have at least one person in the relationship who is strong in that area to cover for the both of them and show the weaker one how to rise up and become stronger.

The Princess Guide Senee Seale

I learned while studying Social Psychology and working as a Research Assistant studying couples in relationships that opposites do not, in fact, attract. Their differences are so great that they appear to be all an outsider can see, but they actually have many things in common which bring them together and keep them together.

So, how do you know if you’re choosing a good “running mate?”

In their book Safe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren’t, Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend recommend looking for these traits in your relationships:

  • Are they living up to their commitments to me?
  • Are they here for me only when I’m here?
  • Do they tell me “no” when they don’t have time?
  • Do they make promises they can’t keep?
  • Am I the last in a string of broken relationships?
  • Do others warn me about their patterns of relating?

It takes time to find out most of these things about a person. That is why I like the advice of being with someone for four seasons or about nine months to a year. I will further refine that by saying, you should date someone for four seasons, not be engaged for four seasons (nor living together). Once you enter the engagement phase, it can feel harder to get out of the relationship after you’ve announced the wedding date, paid deposits and promised to marry someone. It is also harder to process and accept negative information about someone after you have already fallen in love with them. In this phase, it can also be harder to accept negative information about your person and then make an informed decision of what is best for you in the situation. This is where having close family and friends to vet your perspective “running mates” is crucial.

Every single person up for serious consideration of that job for presidential candidates must fill out a long, involved background form, go through a background check, have their friends, family and coworkers interviewed and interview with multiple people. If the process is this important for a four-year job, why shouldn’t it apply to a lifetime position? I was telling a girlfriend going through a serious breakup the other day that I really understand why it was so important for a man to get a girl’s parents permission to date and marry her — having people outside the relationship with her best interests at heart is critical to making an informed decision. Consider getting some of your closest friends and family on your advisory team to start vetting the next people who come into your life.

You can find these Flashback Friday blogs posted every Friday Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives and relationships. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations.