This week, we’re flashing back to 2016. With this not only being another election year, but also a week when many people will become engaged, it seems appropriate to revisit this topic …
With all the talk lately about who Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump will pick to be their vice-presidential running mates, it’s had me thinking about choosing a spouse.
Trump said he wanted to pick someone who was strong in areas where he was weak. I believe that should be one of the top priorities when picking a life mate, as well. Dr. Wayne Dyer often said, “You shouldn’t marry a mirror.” What he meant was, you shouldn’t marry someone who is exactly like you and likes all the things in life that you do. Yes, it’s important to have big things in common like religious beliefs, common goals for you as a couple and as a family, but in my opinion and observation throughout more than four decades on this planet, the true strength of a couple is only realized when trouble strikes (and it always does). It’s important to have at least one person in the relationship who is strong in that area to cover for the both of them and show the weaker one how to rise up and become stronger.
I learned while studying Social Psychology and working as a Research Assistant studying couples in relationships that opposites do not, in fact, attract. Their differences are so great that they appear to be all an outsider can see, but they actually have many things in common which bring them together and keep them together.
So, how do you know if you’re choosing a good “running mate?”
In their book Safe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren’t, Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend recommend looking for these traits in your relationships:
- Are they living up to their commitments to me?
- Are they here for me only when I’m here?
- Do they tell me “no” when they don’t have time?
- Do they make promises they can’t keep?
- Am I the last in a string of broken relationships?
- Do others warn me about their patterns of relating?
It takes time to find out most of these things about a person. That is why I like the advice of being with someone for four seasons or about nine months to a year. I will further refine that by saying, you should date someone for four seasons, not be engaged for four seasons (nor living together). Once you enter the engagement phase, it can feel harder to get out of the relationship after you’ve announced the wedding date, paid deposits and promised to marry someone. It is also harder to process and accept negative information about someone after you have already fallen in love with them. In this phase, it can also be harder to accept negative information about your person and then make an informed decision of what is best for you in the situation. This is where having close family and friends to vet your perspective “running mates” is crucial.
Every single person up for serious consideration of that job for presidential candidates must fill out a long, involved background form, go through a background check, have their friends, family and coworkers interviewed and interview with multiple people. If the process is this important for a four-year job, why shouldn’t it apply to a lifetime position? I was telling a girlfriend going through a serious breakup the other day that I really understand why it was so important for a man to get a girl’s parents permission to date and marry her — having people outside the relationship with her best interests at heart is critical to making an informed decision. Consider getting some of your closest friends and family on your advisory team to start vetting the next people who come into your life.
You can find these Flashback Friday blogs posted every Friday Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives and relationships. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations.
