Month: December 2020

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Are your expectations realistic?

We all have great expectations — especially when heading into a New Year — but how realistic are they? I’m going to talk mostly about relationships in this post, but these principles can be applied to all types of relationships and areas of life.

I’m a huge Dallas Cowboys fan. I’ve been one my whole life being born and raised in Big D. While I’ve had my favorite players over the years, I’ve been a huge fan of Andy Dalton’s since I first heard about him being singed to the team earlier in 2020. However, I’m especially a fan of the dynamic between he and his wife.

Dalton said in a press conference after the Cowboys win over the Cincinnati Bangles in December that having his wife by his side and being able to talk to her about anything during his career and the transition to Dallas has been part of the key to his success. “We’re working this thing together, and I’m so thankful for her,” he told reporters.

When I was in graduate school studying Marriage & Family Therapy, we were talking about traits of lasting marriages in class one day. My instructor said attachment has a lot to do with it, and research shows that couples who are committed to maintaining the friendship are the most successful. Dalton and his wife appear to be doing just that. They are the epitome of a beautiful love story to me.

 By all accounts that I’ve seen online and on television, they are a great team and have a healthy partnership. Do they have their moments of frustration? I’m sure they do. They’re human, and we all experience moments of this. However, they appear to both be in service to each other instead of service to self.

I can look back on my previous relationships and see where I was “unevenly yoked,” as my Pa-Paw used to warn me against. I thought he was telling me to not be married or in a relationship with someone of a different religion or color, but I later realized (after his passing) that he was warning me about being with someone who had different values, character, morals, and goals than me. I also realized that he was telling me not to be with someone who didn’t respect my boundaries and didn’t value me.

Let’s face it … If you’ve been in the dating scene recently then you know that it’s getting harder and harder to find a good person. I won’t say there are no good single people out there, but it’s rare to meet one. Like a friend of mine was telling me earlier this year, the lockdown caused many people to face the reality that they were with the wrong person, and the rising divorce rate was just setting good people free to be in union with the right person for them. I think the main reason good people are hard to find isn’t because they’re all taken, but rather that the vast majority of people on the planet are in service to self.

Think about it this way: You can’t drive a car on empty for very long. Even if you put in $2 of gas, that won’t take you very far for very long, and if you’re putting low-grade, unleaded fuel in a luxury car (you, the person with the royal mindset, are the luxury car), you will eventually destroy the engine and major components of the vehicle.

Looking back over my life, I can see where I was in service to the other in my relationships while the majority of the time, they were in service to self. It’s like I was pouring water from my water pitcher into them. Occasionally, they would pour a paper Dixie cup full of water into my pitcher. It never filled me up or left me satisfied, though. I flew off the handle at times over stupid, insignificant stuff. I was angry and frustrated with myself because I was trying to accept what I was being given even though I knew it wasn’t what I wanted or deserved. I was trying to make the best of the situation and be happy with what I had. On top of that, I felt worse because they would tell me that I was ungrateful, contentious, a nag, and so on. There were times when I did display those behaviors, and I’m not proud of it. Now, I realize that my pitcher was empty. I had nothing to give to myself or anyone else. I had no clear boundaries, and the few I had, I couldn’t enforce with those people. I had to heal myself and get really clear about who I was and what I wanted in life. Once I did that, then everything that wasn’t one of my dealbreakers became nothing for me to get upset over. I could just let it all go and not sweat the small stuff.

Years ago, while going through my own relationship issues, I began to think that maybe the problem in most relationships is as simple as there being unmet expectations. So, how do you adjust your expectations? Dr. Tony Fiore of SelfGrowth.com offered these tips for readjusting your expectations:

  • Step 1: Decide what is reasonable. This may be tricky because different people have different ideas of this. One way to do it is to think about it when you are calm and cool. Many things that seem “reasonable” when you are worked up, later seem ridiculous and petty.
  • Step 2: Eliminate the word “should.” [Carrie Bradshaw on Sex and the City called this “should-ing all over ourselves.”] None of us can control other people — try as we might. People behave the way they behave for their own reasons. Instead of “should-ing” others, state needs from your own perspective, i.e., “I’d prefer if …” instead of “They should …”
  • Step 3: Recognize limitations. People often behave badly toward us because of their limitations or problems — not because they are purposefully trying to make us miserable. People are fallible and may not be able to live up to our expectations, or they may have a different agenda than meeting your expectations. Relationships have their limitations. Marital research shows that 69% of relationship issues are basically unsolvable and perpetual. Wise couples accept this and find ways to live around the issues rather than engaging in constant conflict.
  • Step 4: Be tolerant of other views. Rather than convincing yourself that others are “wrong,” tell yourself they simply see things differently than you do. No need to get angry over this — they may be as convinced of their “truth” as you are of yours.
  • Step 5: Explore ways to get needs met. The underlying reason we often get angry at others is because our basic needs are not being met as a result of the situation or the behavior of the other.

You can’t truly be in a healthy relationship if you are constantly fighting for what you think is the ideal life — often called “relationship goals.” When we allow social media, television, Hollywood, the Hallmark Channel, and society as a whole to program us and dictate to us what the perfect relationship or life should look like, we’re setting ourselves up for failure because those are unrealistic expectations. We have to go within, do the internal work and constantly check and question ourselves to find out what the right thing looks like for us.

Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives and relationships. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. If you’d like to work directly with Senée, she’s offering deeply discounted coaching and counseling rates through the end of 2020.

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How to get clear on what you really want in life

We’re nearing the end of the year … Thank God! To say 2020 has been a challenging one would be a huge understatement. However, I have to say that with all the difficulties this year, 2020 has really had its positive experiences, too. Most people begin looking at the future and making new goals during this time of year. So, it’s appropriate that we talk about getting a clear picture of what we desire.

Senee Seale The Princess Guide

I’m convinced that we have to get really clear on what we want in life to attract it and recognize it when it appears. Linda Ronstadt once sang, “I’ve been cheated, been mistreated. When will I be loved?” That’s the million-dollar question for some of us. If you’ve read any of my work lately, you know that I’m very big on loving yourself first, but that’s only the beginning. As humans, we were created to be in partnerships and relationships with others. It’s often said, “No man is an island” — Meaning: We were created to love and be loved by others.

I’ve been accused of not having the right to write about relationships because I’m not happily married nor have I experienced a loving, decades-long relationship. My response to this criticism is always the same — you have to know what you don’t want to get really clear on what you do want.

I’m big on list making because it combines thinking, writing and reading. These three things are known in Cognitive Psychology to reinforce learning. So, I encourage you to make a list of all the negative things you’ve experienced in past relationships (any kind of relationship). A list of this kind in a romantic relationship could look something like this:

I don’t want a partner who …
  • Ignores my birthday and disappears on me on major holidays.
  • Doesn’t give me my favorite flowers (pale prink roses or yellow roses).
  • Puts everything ahead of me … Family, friends, work, hobbies, addictions, etc.
  • Flirts with other women — especially in front of me.
  • Ghosts me.
  • Uses me for sex, money, to make him look good, etc.
  • Acts ashamed of me and doesn’t introduce me to his family, friends, colleagues, etc.
  • Verbally puts me down or is psychologically or physically abusive.
  • And the list goes on.

Now, you know I don’t believe in focusing on the negative aspects of anything. So, after you make your negative list, I want you to make a positive list based on this one. Turn all the negatives into a positive so that you can easily and clearly recognize the behaviors and treatment you’re seeking. It could look something like this:

The person I’m seeking in my life will …
  • Show me I’m important to them by opening doors for me, giving me my favorite flowers from time to time, hold my hand and act proud to be seen with me and treat me with kindness and respect.
  • Celebrate my birthday and holidays with me.
  • Take me out on regular dates at least once a week.
  • Make time in their schedule for me.
  • Text me regularly just to check on me.
  • Say positive things about me to me and others in his life and will tell me I’m beautiful, smart, creative, resourceful, talented, etc.
  • Introduce me to the important people in their life.
  • Act respectful in my presence and won’t flirt with other women around me.
  • And the list goes on.

This type of list can be applied to every area of life such as career, family relationships, friendships, etc. By being clear on what you’re looking for, you can more easily set appropriate boundaries in your life. You will also be able to more easily and quickly spot those who are right for you — and swiftly identify those who are not.

Everything begins in our minds. In his book, Real Magic, Dr. Wayne Dyer wrote, “Remind yourself that peaceful, loving relationships come first and foremost from your state of mind … Remind yourself of the key phrase, as you think, so shall you be.  Since you cannot physically experience another person, you can only experience them in your mind. Conclusion: All of the other people in your life are simply thoughts in your mind.” I’ve heard some people say that if someone leaves your life — ghosts you — they don’t exist to you anymore. If may sound cruel at first, but sometimes, you may need to tell yourself that people who are no longer in your life no longer exist. It isn’t that you wish negative things on them, but this is one way to release your attachment to them.

Knowing that everything exists in your minds is why it’s so important to focus on the positive things you want to see in your life. This is especially important when things seem very negative.

Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives and relationships. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. If you’d like to work directly with Senée, she’s offering deeply discounted coaching and counseling rates through the end of 2020.

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How to feel joy during the holiday season

I’ll admit it … I just haven’t been feeling like celebrating the holidays this year. I know people have been all over social media talking about putting up their Christmas decorations before Thanksgiving. I get it — 2020 has been a gut punch year. I can honestly say that the events of this year have been the most difficult — collectively — that I can remember during my lifetime. Individually, we’ve all been through some rough stuff. I think that’s why being locked down for months didn’t affect some of us as badly, psychologically speaking, as it did others. However, it’s the first time I can ever remember the entire country — and the whole world — experiencing the same thing at the same time. Never would I have believed that everyone would be told to stay in their homes and not socialize.

Regardless, I’ve kind of had the holiday blahs this year. The last quarter of the year is always my favorite, but this year, I was enjoying Summer at the pool and finding myself looking longingly at it the other day as I walked by in my sweater, jeans and coat.

I had a friend who was nine years older than me, and she was like the big sister I never had. She passed away in her early 30s, but I’ll never forget a piece of advice she once gave me. She told me, “You can’t miss out on the holidays just because you’re single and alone. You have to do all the things by yourself that you want to do one day when you have a husband and family. Every year, I put on Christmas music, decorate my apartment and make cookies.”

Senee Seale The Princess Guide

I hear her voice in my head saying these words every year at this time, but it was especially loud this year. So, one day, I put on Christmas music and decorated every room of my townhouse. Another night, I found myself singing and dancing in my kitchen to Christmas music on the radio as I baked gluten-free, sugar-free cookies. I felt happy in those moments even thought my life doesn’t look like what I’m seeing others post on social media. Sometimes, I think that maybe my life — as untraditional as it is (even though I’m very traditional) — may actually be what some people desire. I get to decide the majority of what I do based on my own wishes instead of having to convince a house full of people to do the things I want to do.

I blame the Hallmark Channel for some of this. If you’ve read my work or followed me on social media for very long, then you know that I was a huge fan of the Hallmark Christmas movies. Yeah, that fascination is long over. It took locking me down all by myself for a couple of months to realize that watching someone fall in love in one to three weeks and live happily ever after is something I have no interest in doing. It isn’t real. We’re all smart people here. We know that mess isn’t real, but in some way, it gave us hope and made us think that we could experience true love, too, with all the Christmas stuff mixed in with it. Yeah, I’m over it.

Some of us escape into that Hallmark Christmas world because our reality is so opposite of the happy families and fun Christmas times they portray. Melody Beattie wrote about this in her book The Language of Letting Go. “Many of us are torn between what we want to do on the holiday and what we feel we have to do … We may feel a sense of loss because we don’t have the kind of family to be with that we want … Many of us have old, painful memories triggered by the holidays.”

Beattie suggests the following for getting through the holidays in a healthy way:

  • Deal with [your] feelings, but try not to dwell unduly on them.
  • Put the holidays into perspective. A holiday is one day out of 365. We can get through any 24-hour period.
  • Get through the day, but be aware there may be a post-holiday backlash. The feelings will catch up to us the next day. Deal with them, too. Get back on track as quickly as possible.
  • Find and cherish the love that’s available, even if it isn’t exactly what we want. There may be those who appreciate our offer to share our day with them.
  • [Know that] we are not in the minority if we find ourselves experiencing a less-than-ideal holiday. How easy, but untrue, to tell ourselves the rest of the world is experiencing the perfect holiday, and we’re alone in conflict.
  • We can create our own holiday agenda.[We can do all the fun, festive things we like doing, and create our own traditions.]
  • Buy yourself a present.
  • Find someone to whom you can give.
  • Unleash your loving, nurturing self and give in to the holiday spirit.

Since I was in college, I usually buy myself a Christmas gift or two right after Thanksgiving, wrap it and put it under my tree. By Christmas, I forget what I got myself and am surprised. If you have the opportunity to drive around at night and see Christmas lights this year, do it. Not everyone has that luxury. If you can go spend time in a festive place that’s all decorated up — and it makes you feel happy and hopeful (that’s the key prerequisite here) — by all means, go. Get out and do the things this season that make you feel joyful even if you go all by yourself. Put on the Christmas music and have a dance party in your house all by yourself if you have to, but use this time to make yourself feel good. Find out what you like doing. Make new holiday traditions all for yourself. Use this time — especially if you’re all alone — to get to know yourself and what makes you feel happy and hopeful. After all, that is the magic of the season.

Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives and relationships. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. If you’d like to work directly with Senée, she’s offering deeply discounted coaching and counseling rates through the end of 2020.

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It’s Cuffing Season … Are you ready?

I’ve heard many people say that it’s Cuffing Season — Meaning: The time of year when it gets colder, and people start looking for someone to spend the holidays and winter months with. John Mayer has a great song about this called St. Patrick’s Day with the lyrics, “Here comes the cold. Break out the winter clothes and find a love to call your own … Who knows what will be? But I’ll make you this guarantee. No way November we’ll say our goodbye. When it comes to December, it’s obvious why. No one wants to be alone at Christmastime. Come January we’re frozen inside making new resolutions a hundred times. February won’t you be my Valentine? And we’ll both be safe ‘til St. Patrick’s Day.”

I used to think this was just a guy thing, but I’ve been hearing women this year saying they just want a man for the winter months. I’m not really a seasonal relationship kind of girl, but I think this is something we need to talk about.

To cuff, or not to cuff … That is the question

If this is something you’re looking for, you should be very clear about that with anyone you date. They should also be clear about it with you, if that’s what they’re interested in doing. There’s nothing wrong with a short-term agreement (of any kind) if, and only if, both parties agree to it.

Now, I must caution you about something. If you’re starting to fall for someone who has made it clear they only want someone short-term or want something casual and you want a long-term commitment, do not under any circumstances continue seeing this person. I know many of us think we can change another person’s mind, but that is a fantasy. It’s Hollywood smoke, mirrors and illusions. I can hear some of you right now saying, “But if he/she sees how great I am, all I have to offer them and how much better their life is with me in it, they will change their mind.” Nope. They won’t. Trust me when I tell you that you can be the most wonderful, loving, caring, considerate, kind, virtuous, incredible person on the planet, and it still won’t be enough to change another person’s mind. I don’t say this to hurt your feelings or discourage you. I say it because it’s the truth, and I want to set you up for success rather than failure.

What is most likely to happen is that one person will fall in love while the other is headed for the door and looking for the next person to be with. When your heart is broken and you’re ugly crying and begging them to stay, they’ll tell you, “You knew what I wanted from the very beginning. I told you this was temporary.” At that point, you’ll have to take responsibility for your actions, let them go and hire me to coach you on No Contact. (All my coaching rates are deeply discounted until Dec. 31, 2020. So, now’s a good time to lock in that rate.) You can avoid this hurt and pain by being very clear — first with yourself, then with others — about what you really want for your life. Then, you can be empowered to make the best decisions for yourself.

If you’re serious about finding a long-term relationship, you need to be very clear about this from the beginning with anyone you date. You must firmly set that boundary into place and enforce it. Trust me when I tell you that some people will try to convince you that you really don’t want that or that a short-term, casual connection could someday turn into a long-term relationship if the sex is good … Don’t believe it! If you’re old enough to read this and comprehend what I’m saying, you’re too old to believe in fairy tales or pipe dreams. Knowing yourself and what you want is the only way to set boundaries and attract yo ur desires.

Accidentally cuffed

We’ve talked about what to do if you’ve decided to go into a short-term, Cuffing Season relationship — Be upfront about it, enjoy the time you spend together and expect it to be over around St. Patrick’s Day. So, what do you do if you find yourself in this type of situation without realizing it? If you’ve read any of my recent work, you know that I’ve become a big believer in dismissing people and giving them permission to leave your life — a.k.a. letting go. I become Audrey Hepburn’s princess character in Roman Holiday and tell people, “You have my permission to withdraw (leave).” I’ve always been a believer in this, but it hasn’t been until 2020 that I’ve actually learned to do it. By practicing loving myself first, and being grateful for everything that happens to me, I’ve come to a place where it’s easier to let people go. I’m not saying it doesn’t have its moments of pain — especially when I’ve allowed someone to get close to me — but it has become much easier to do.

For feminine-energy people, part of the healing process in letting go is practicing No Contact. I’m writing a whole book about it … That’s how important I know it is. In a blog post, Lauren Gray (MarsVenus.com) explained the differences men and women have in ending connections, and how men can just disappear — even after just one date. Most of us know this silent treatment as ghosting, and I explain it in detail and the research on it in the new book I’m writing. “Men don’t respond with, ‘I’m not interested. Stop texting me!!’ because it’s easier to ignore the problem than to deal with it and be the bad guy.” Scientific research backs this up.

If a masculine-energy person actually tells you to leave them alone, they mean it, but Gray said it usually isn’t detrimental or forever. “Ninety-nine percent of the time, he wants to be alone for a while to cool down, relax, let off steam, take a break from thinking about somebody else’s needs — and it has NOTHING to do with his lovely partner. After a short cave time, he’s ready to play again,” she wrote. “As long as she doesn’t get needy or angry during this critical cave time, the relationship stays strong, and ‘Leave me alone’ or ‘I need space’ isn’t a big deal — it’s just straightforward communication.”

In the codependency recovery movement, the practice of dethatching in love is often talked about. It’s letting go of your expectations that the other person will change, separating yourself from them — both physically and emotionally — and being open to allowing them back into your life if they come back showing you through their words and behavior that they have changed — I call this approaching the throne correctly. When a connection or relationship is over, there’s nothing you can do about it except focus on your thoughts and reactions. Learning to love yourself first and being grateful for the experience (trust me when I say there are people out there who have never been in love or had someone pay attention to them at all … You’re actually lucky to have these experiences even if they didn’t turn out the way you wanted) will strengthen and empower you to make better, wiser choices and attract the quality person you’re longing to have in your life.

Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives and relationships. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. If you’d like to work directly with Senée, she’s offering deeply discounted coaching and counseling rates through the end of 2020.