Category: Relationships

Posted on by

Loving YOU in 2022: How to be alone on Valentine’s Day

They say it’s the season of love, but I know some of y’all aren’t coupled or feeling the love. I’ll go back to saying what I always write and say … Nurturing the relationship you have with yourself and learning to love yourself first is the key to having healthy, fulfilling relationships in every aspect of your life. This is especially true when talking about romantic relationships.

Take a look at this video, and let me know in the comments if you found anything helpful in it. I even sing a little bit in this one. Just know that you are deeply loved, and I think you are magnificent, wonderful and lovable! Show some of that beautiful love you have to give to yourself this love season … Especially if you have no one in your life to give that love to right now. It will happen. Just keep the faith.

Do you have a question about life that you want Senée to answer? Leave it in the comments or email it to PrincessGuide@BecomingPublishing.com.

Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princess Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. If you’d like to book a personal session with Senée, she’s accepting new clients.

Posted on by

Music can heal an aching heart — What can I do to get over my break up?

The hardest part of a breakup is really grieving the loss of the relationship — or the loss of the dream of what it could have been. Now, I’m hearing Tiffany from the 80s singing, “Could have been so beautiful. Could have been so right.”

Music is powerful. It has a way of healing us.

Sad songs say so much

Have you ever felt so low and just wanted to have a huge pity party in your depression by listening to music that made you sad? Listening to sad music can be dangerous to your mental health, but research shows that it could also help you get over a broken heart.

Senee Seale The Princess Guide

Interestingly, Healthline.com reported that listening to sad music can actually help in getting over heartbreak from an ended relationship. “An earlier study, published in the Journal of Consumer Research, found that people tend to prefer sad music when they are experiencing a deep interpersonal loss, like the end of a relationship. The authors of that study suggested that sad music provides a substitute for the lost relationship. They compared it to the preference most people have for an empathic friend — someone who truly understands what you’re going through.”

I guess Elton John was right when he sang, “Sad songs say so much.” When I recorded the album for my book The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart, I chose songs that went along with what I wrote about. Honestly, a couple of them made me cry even in the recording studio as I was singing them. They hit close to home, and I obviously wasn’t over it at the time. That just told me I had more work to do, and I did.

Take action

So, what can you do to allow music to change your mood? In 2013, USA Today published a list of 20 scientifically-proven benefits of music. Some of those included the following action steps:

  • Ease pain. [Listening to] “music can meaningfully reduce the perceived intensity of pain …”
  • Increase workout endurance. “When we’re focusing on a favorite album, we may not notice that we just ran an extra mile.”
  • Reduce stress. “Research has found that listening to music can relieve stress by triggering biochemical stress reducers.”
  • Relieve symptoms of depression. “Research suggests the kind of music matters: Classical and meditative sounds seem to be particularly uplifting, whereas heavy metal and techno can actually make depressive symptoms worse.”
  • Elevate mood. “A 2013 study found that music helped put people in a better mood and get in touch with their feelings.”
  • Help people perform better in high-pressure situations. “One study found that basketball players prone to performing poorly under pressure during games were significantly better during high-pressure free-throw shooting if they first listened to catchy, upbeat music and lyrics.”
  • Elevate mood while driving. The reporter suggests listening to your favorite songs the next time you find yourself in a traffic jam to help keep your mood in check. I’ve also had dance parties in the car when I was really in need of an attitude change and safely stopped at a red light.
Give it time

When I was training as a Qualified Mental Health Professional working with children and families, our trainer talked one day about the difference between grief and depression. He explained that depression is thought to be caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain, and it can be treated with medication. Grief, on the other hand, always involves a loss — it is the pain of not getting something you desperately wanted — and may or may not have depression symptoms. If depression is present, then medication can be prescribed. However, the treatment for grief is always talk therapy.

I’ve often said that we grieve many times in our lives — not only when someone dies, but also any time we experience a loss. Getting through the grieving process and coming to a place of acceptance is part of the healing process.

“With the loss of love, our lives are immediately transformed,” wrote Dr. John Gray in Mars and Venus Starting Over. “Grieving the loss of love means fully feeling and then releasing all the painful emotions that come up when we reflect on our loss … one common mistake is to move on too quickly, not giving ourselves enough time to grieve. Yet, another mistake is not giving ourselves permission to experience all our feelings.”

You’re probably familiar with the stages of grief: denial, blame, intense emotions (often displayed in anger or deep sadness), bargaining and acceptance. In my experience and observation, a person can go back and forth between these stages until they finally arrive at acceptance.

Our trainer asked our group what is the timeframe for a person to stop grieving? When will they be finished? There were as many answers as there were people in the room, but he echoed my statement — They’re finished whenever they’re finished.

As I explain in The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart, you may think you worked through a step and have gone on to another one, only to realize that you still have issues in that area. It’s perfectly fine (and normal) to go back and deal with it. The same holds true for grieving. My trainer said you know when a client is improving because the intense pain lessens, and they cycle through the stages of grief less frequently.

Be gentle with yourself. Do the internal work by feeling all the emotions that come up and releasing them. Give it time. You will get through it, I promise. You’ll also come out better than ever, if you take the time you need to fully heal. Rushing the process only leads to baggage that you’ll have to deal with eventually.

Get a guide

Sometimes, we need help from others to guide us through a process. “Studies have shown that the small sliver of people (8%) who do actually stick with their goals and finally achieve them do one thing differently — They get help. It’s as simple as that. They find someone who can take them by the hand (someone who has already done what they’re trying to do), and they ask this person to show them the way,” wrote Author John Assarf in a newsletter.

When I say I can relate to what you may be going through, I really can. During the time of writing my first book on healing a broken heart, I was healing from my own broken heart. I have been through marriage issues, relationship breakups, unrequited love and friends and family problems. In short, I know what it’s like to be truly broken.

Earnest Hemingway wrote, “We are all broken … That’s how the light gets in.” I believe that statement to be true. I absolutely adore stained glass windows, but those beautiful pieces of art would never be made without first breaking whole glass. Don’t let the brokenness in your life fool you … God can do great things with broken people.

I’m here to help as a life guide or spiritual/Christian counselor if you need someone with the clinical, research and life experience of healing a broken heart to walk beside you during this process. In the meantime, know without a shadow of a doubt that things can only get better. Think positively about your life. Dream big dreams, and have a dance party by yourself. You’re worth it, you deserve it and you will get through it.

Do you have a question about life that you want Senée to answer? Leave it in the comments or email it to PrincessGuide@BecomingPublishing.com.

Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. If you’d like to work directly with Senée, she’s accepting new clients.

Posted on by

Overcoming trust issues

In 2018, I was listening to a very successful entrepreneur taking questions from audience members at one of his talks. When he asked a woman if she had considered getting a business partner who had more experience in business than she did, her response was, “I have trust issues!” Can you relate? I admired her self-awareness and honesty.

Often, people who have been in toxic relationships find it hard to trust. Repeated times of trusting people who have proven to be less than trustworthy make it hard to believe in others or even ourselves.

There was a time in my life when I would mourn the loss of a person or opportunity for a long time while thinking that my life was over and nothing good would come to replace that perceived loss. I had trust issues.

The Urban Dictionary defines trust issues as, “When a person has trouble trusting others due to betrayal or other personal reasons … Trust issues cause a lot of issues in future events and can cause disappointment and missing out on important situations in life.”

I absolutely agree. Some people say trust is earned. Others say trust is freely given and up to the other person to lose. Either way, if you’re self-aware enough to know that you have them, it’s up to you to deal with them by doing the internal work.

Healing begins with forgiveness

Healing trust issues begins with an f-word — forgiveness. You literally have to f- it … forgive it. In order to trust anyone again, you will need to forgive — yourself and all those who have hurt or mistreated you.

“Forgiveness is a powerful friend … It simply means to drop the charges,” wrote Mark T. Barclay in his book, How to Survive a Betrayal. “To forgive is to put it in God’s hands, and not seek personal vengeance. If you don’t forgive, you will become bitter, hurting only yourself.”

Webster Illustrated Contemporary Dictionary defines forgiveness as, “the act of forgiving — to grant pardon for or remission of (something); to cease to blame or feel resentment against.” You have to stop blaming yourself for your mistakes or for trusting untrustworthy people. You have to stop blaming other people for the wrongs they have done to you. I’m not in any way suggesting that you excuse the behavior or allow it to continue. I’m simply saying that you show grace and give space for the other person to change their behavior — even if that means that you physically separate yourself from them while wishing them well and sending them good thoughts.

You’ll often hear that you have to forgive and forget. I believe forgetting is a mistake that leads to being mistreated again. However, I’ve found that over time, when you become healthier, you let go of the pain and forget much of the wrongs that have been done to you. “You must find a way to forgive. ‘Forget’ will come even harder and much slower. Even so, for your own sake, you must deal with this deep wound,” Barclay wrote.

Practice gratitude

It’s my opinion that at the core of trust issues is rejection. When a person doesn’t keep their word to us or mistreats us, that isn’t just disappointing — it becomes a form of rejection. We often think of rejection as being a negative thing, but by changing the way we look at rejection, we can change our whole outlook and trust again.

Back in 2018 when I was looking over my life, I allowed myself to feel the love and joy in particular moments in my existence and was grateful that I was honored to experience them. I also looked at the deep, deep rejection I’ve felt from people. I realized that if they had not rejected me, I would have been in a miserable position, at the very least. In some cases, it could have cost me my life.

It’s taken a lot of internal work, but I’m so grateful that I can see that the rejection I thought would kill me was actually protection from something much worse — jobs, people, situations … you name it. It becomes much easier to look at rejection through this lens.

No matter what you have encountered, just know that you were made for great things. You have seeds of greatness within you … Let them out. Also, trust yourself and that small voice inside you (your intuition) to guide you into making better choices. Like my best friend’s friend said, “If it don’t feel right, it ain’t right.” Allow people to show you who they really are through their words and behaviors. If they prove to be something you don’t want in your life, trust that feeling.

Trust yourself, then others

In her book, The Language of Letting Go, Melody Beattie said the key to trusting others is to trust yourself first. “The most important trust issue we face is learning to trust ourselves. The most detrimental thing that’s happened to us is that we came to believe we couldn’t trust ourselves,” she explained.

I know from experience and observation that relationships are one continual cycle of messing up, fessing up and forgiving. We must be willing and prepared to ask for forgiveness and grant forgiveness — to ourselves and others.

Psychology Today offered these expert tips on how to trust others again:

  • Give it time. Over a period of time, your trust can be rebuilt with repeated positive experiences … when a [person] consistently demonstrates [his or her] reliability, despite your more critical evaluation of [his or her] actions, [he or she] might earn your trust.
  • Acknowledge and evaluate. To trust a partner again, betrayal must be acknowledged. The wrongdoer must admit that he or she has inflicted a deep hurt and the victim must look at what he or she could have done to make things different.
  • Look for the good. Trust yourself to stop damning people as a whole, no matter how badly they now behave. Then, you may help them to become more trustworthy.
  • Go inside. The way back to trust is counterintuitive: The issue is whether we can trust ourselves to make wise decisions.

Beattie agrees, “Self-trust is a healing gift we can give ourselves. How do we acquire it? We learn it. What do we do about our mistakes, about those times we thought we could trust ourselves but were wrong? We accept them, and trust ourselves anyway.

“Trust ourselves, and we will know whom to trust. Trust ourselves, and we will know what to do. When we feel we absolutely cannot trust ourselves, trust that God will guide us into truth,” she explained.

I have an older attorney friend who has told me over the years, “Trust but verify.” That means giving people the opportunity to prove they are who they say they are and back up their words and promises with positive actions

Set boundaries, but stay open

I’ve been talking a lot lately about boundary setting and being open. Like I said in a video on dating, every castle has a wall around it, but make sure there is also a gate in it to allow the right person inside. We can’t punish every person for the misdoings of another. That’s like you being put in prison because someone across the country you don’t even know committed a crime. It’s wrong. So, don’t do it. It isn’t just unfair to the other person, but it’s also unfair to you — There are wonderful people out there that you deserve to experience great events with. Don’t rob yourself of that.

I spent some time writing about trust in my book The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart because it’s a big issue for many people. Since publishing that book, I’ve thought a lot about something — After your broken heart has healed, how do you know if it’s safe to let someone (new or old) into your life? How do you know if you can trust the person who broke your heart?

Now, I know a lot of people will say you can never trust someone who hurt you. You most definitely need to exhibit caution in these circumstances, but I don’t believe you should write someone off altogether. Again, I will say, give grace and space for a person to change their behavior and make things right. If they choose not to do so, that is your answer. Move on. People can change … It doesn’t happen often, but it does happen.

Your job is to set appropriate boundaries and be open to allowing the right people into your life who prove they are trustworthy through consistently backing up their words with actions. Just like I say about how loving yourself first will equip you to love others well, by practicing trusting yourself first, you will know who to trust.

Do you have a question about life that you want Senée to answer? Leave it in the comments or email it to PrincessGuide@BecomingPublishing.com.

Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. If you’d like to work directly with Senée, she’s accepting new clients.

Posted on by

Never say never when it comes to love

I recently received this comment from a post I did on Navigating the dating scene. “I have not gone on a date in over 20 years. I am over 40 but not 50. … Regardless of what happens in life with myself or outside me, never, never will I date again. NEVER!”

I get it. Like I’ve said before, dating can be really crappy most of the time. I think part of the reason is because society has changed so drastically. I also think that it’s harder when you’re very clear on who you are and what you want — accepting poor treatment and no manners becomes intolerable.

My response to this comment is the same thing I’ll say to you, I encourage you to stay open to the possibilities. Yes, dating is often crappy, but not always. (I’ve been on a few good ones in the last year.) There are beautiful experiences and people out there, and I don’t want you to miss out on that because of the negative ones.

Love by the numbers

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again — I believe that we were made to love and be loved by another person. We were created for relationships. I write all the time about different kinds of relationships, but most of us are seeking that deep, divine connection that only comes in the form of a romantic union. Why do you think that the most asked questions of therapists and spiritual practitioners are about love and money? The COVID-19 lockdowns really brought this to the forefront, in my opinion and observation. It was reported that dating app signups skyrocketed in the beginning of the lockdowns.

Pre-lockdown, Researcher Gunny Scarfo writing for Fox News in 2019 shared the findings of her research. “Unfortunately, according to a survey of 692 people across the country and dozens of interviews my research partner and I conducted last year [in 2018], many Americans feel isolated — surrounded by people in their lives but feeling that no one truly sees them … By the numbers, our findings are chilling,” she wrote.

“Nearly 45% of Americans reported dreaming of deep emotional connections with others, only to wake up with nobody in their real lives with whom to share those kinds of connections. Almost 30% report that they are unsatisfied with their ability to open up to people they enjoy being around,” she shared. Sadder still, 8% of respondents reported that they do not have a single close friend.

I encounter people all the time who have been severely hurt by others or have witnessed horrific behavior modeling by married people. These things have caused them to swear off commitment and relationships altogether. They’ve built fortified, unsalable walls with no way for a good person to enter into their lives and hearts. I can understand that.

Fear not

It appears to me that the root cause of all this resistance and wall building is quite simply fear. The fear of getting hurt can cause us to do all kinds of things to protect ourselves. There’s nothing wrong with protecting your kingdom — your body, energy and emotions. However, when you shut out all possibilities of allowing anyone to get close to you, that becomes a problem.

I’ve been accused before of having walls up. Every castle has one, and I see no problem with it — as long as there’s also a gate to allow the right people inside. This wall is expressed as boundaries. I recently wrote about how to set and enforce them, if you want to know more.

Melody Beattie seems to agree with me. In her book, The Language of Letting Go, she wrote, “Fear is at the core of codependency. It can motivate us to control situations or neglect ourselves.”

In case you’re wondering, shutting yourself off from dating for years is both controlling and neglecting yourself. I’m all for taking dating breaks especially after a disappointing breakup. However, those should only last a few months — not decades. Sometimes, you need to do the intense, internal work that requires you to shut yourself off from the rest of the world. It happens, but again, it shouldn’t last decades.

In his book, Pulling Your Own Strings, Dr. Wayne Dyer explained that banishing fear starts with taking action. “Doing, the antidote to fear and most self-debilitating behavior, is shunned by most victims who operate from weakness,” he wrote. “If you refuse to give yourself the necessary experiences, you are saying to yourself, ‘I refuse to know.’ And refusing to know will make you weak and assure your victimization by others.”

I don’t care what anyone says … Love is not reserved for only the young. When I was in graduate school studying Clinical Mental Health Counseling in the Oldest Town in Texas, there was a news report of a local book author who married her high school sweetheart at the church a block from my house. Both of them had their spouses pass away, and they found each other late in life — I think they were in their 80s. My aunt found love after my uncle died and got married for the second time when she was in her late 60s. Both couples seem very happy. Had they allowed themselves to dwell on their losses and stay in fearful, negative thinking, they would be in a state of constant depression and all alone.

Fear is the lowest, most negative energy there is. Faith, on the other hand, is a high, positive energy. Love, joy, peace and gratitude are also high, positive energies. If you’ve followed my work for the last couple of years, you know that I’m big on practicing gratitude daily and wrote a whole book showing you how to do it. Practicing gratitude — in every situation — has changed my life and my mindset. It can do the same for you.

Control your own mind

I firmly believe that you have to be in a positive mindset to attract the positive things you want to see in life. Great things can happen to you at any time. However, if you’re not in the right frame of mind, you may not be able to receive them. I’ve had something really wonderful happen to me recently. I always believed it could happen, but I was in total shock for an entire day when it actually did — even though I was positive, ready and grateful.

“If your goal is to experience more joy, you have to change your mental diet,” wrote Tommy Newberry in The 4:8 Principle. “If you are serious about making progress in this area, you must alter the exposures that trigger negativity in the first place.”

I absolutely agree with him. Sometimes, you have to take a break from broadcast media, social media, social gatherings and from negative people, in general. I know that I have to put myself in time out when certain people are draining my energy and causing me to think negatively about myself or life as a whole.

“Negative people poison your outlook, exhaust your energy and chip away at your potential for joy … become alert to who is lifting you up and who is pulling you down. This simple recognition raises your guard and reduces the spread of negative attitudes,” Newberry wrote.

T. Harv Eker reminds us in his book Secrets of the Millionaire Mind what psychology has already proven. “Thoughts lead to feelings. Feelings lead to actions. Actions lead to results … You were taught how to think and act when it comes to money [I will add: love, life and everything]. These teachings become your conditioning which becomes automatic responses that run you for the rest of your life. Unless, of course, you intercede and revise your mind’s … files.”

He’s talking about money, but this advice applies to love and every other part of life. We must control our own minds. I wrote a chapter about it in my first book and still plan to write an entire book about it. I can tell you that manifesting is real. I do it all the time and have done it my whole life. It doesn’t always happen exactly when I expect it to or how I expect it, but it does happen and sometimes exactly the way I wanted, as quickly as I wanted it. That only comes from being in a positive, receptive mindset. The opposite is also true. When you think and speak negatively, that’s exactly what you get.

A first date technique

Newberry offers an interesting technique that can be used any time you have to be around a negative person, but it could be especially useful for going out on first dates. He calls it the “Oreo Cookie Technique,” and it basically goes like this:

  • Before going out, give yourself ultra-positive exposures. He recommends exercising vigorously, talking with a positive friend, meditating, praying or reading something inspiring.
  • Go into the date with “a full tank of joy.”
  • Follow the encounter with some “extraordinarily positive inputs.” Do something that makes you feel good.

I would advise you not to dive head-first in a tub of ice cream or bottle of alcohol — a really bad date or being stood up can make this option tempting, but try to resist because the consequences could be pretty bad. No person is worth getting fat or having a hangover.

There’s a lot in life we can’t control, but the one thing we do have power over is ourselves. We can control our thinking, stop negative thoughts in their tracks and replace them with positive ones. We can also practice loving ourselves first in a healthy way so that we are more able to love someone else.

We can let go of past disappointments and fear of future failures and open ourselves up to dating again. I’m not suggesting you jump into a relationship with anyone, but I am suggesting that you be open to having new dating experiences. Make them as fun as you can for yourself. Find something to feel good about or just laugh at anything that doesn’t go according to plan. When you have a bad date, dust yourself off, and get back out there. Live in the moment and enjoy the good dates … They do happen even if you don’t end up living happily ever after with the person. The memories of those good dates will carry you through until the next one.

Do you have a question about life that you want Senée to answer? Leave it in the comments or email it to PrincessGuide@BecomingPublishing.com.

Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. If you’d like to work directly with Senée, she’s accepting new clients.

Posted on by

Navigating the dating scene — How can I know if I’m dealing with a good man/woman?

I was recently contacted by a man who said he was using a dating app to meet women, and he told me about a couple of them who he went out with. One, basically asked him to marry her on their second date, and another one spent two to three hours on the first date dumping all her problems on him while drinking a bottle of wine by herself, insulted him for not sharing anything about himself then asked him if he would be interested in having sex with her in her car. (He said no.) He asked me how can he know when he’s met a good woman.

“Good” is a relative term, in my opinion — meaning that each person has their own, different definition. Only you know what is good for you. Like I’m always saying and writing about … You have to go to the kingdom within and know yourself first, then you will know what is best for you. That isn’t something someone outside yourself can tell you. They may be able to point some things out for you, but you are the one who makes the ultimate decision.

The only way you can truly know if someone is a good person is to spend time in their presence. You have to observe their actions over time.

Divine/royal people vs. basic people

Dating is incredibly confusing today. You need more than a map, compass and telescope to get through these waters.

People aren’t always honest about their intentions, and months down the road you can find out that whatever it is that you are looking for, they don’t want it. I really appreciate the ones who say upfront that they aren’t a match. It saves a lot of time, a broken heart and disappointed spirit.

I mentioned Basic Broads/Basic Boys recently in a blog post about not allowing another person to define your worth. These types of people are often envious of anyone who radiates the internal beauty that only comes from doing the intense, internal work that most people are not willing to do themselves. In my experience and observation, they often:

  • Cause drama.
  • Make things unnecessarily difficult on other people.
  • Wait until the last minute to do things.
  • Have no regard for others or making things inconvenient for them.
  • Seek revenge and make things unnecessarily difficult for those they think wronged them.
  • Stalk others online or spread untrue rumors about people.
  • Do not do the right thing in a situation.

Unfortunately, it appears that many people on this planet are basic people wearing paper crowns pretending to be royal and demanding royal treatment. Let me tell you the qualities of a royal person. Royal/divine people:

Senee Seale The Princess Guide
  • Operate from high, royal, moral character and integrity.
  • Show love to others, even in the face of rejection.
  • Love themselves first and are equipped to love others fully while setting and enforcing appropriate boundaries.
  • Are grateful for everything that happens to them — good and bad.
  • Learn their lessons in life and take responsibility for their mistakes.
  • Consciously stay in positive energy.
  • Are easy to be with — being in their presence makes others feel good, accepted and worthy.
  • Know who they are and hold themselves to a higher standard.
  • Do not seek revenge or to hurt others — they know every person will get back to them what they put out into the world.

One of my spiritual girlfriends is always calling me “queen” and “empress” — The divine in her recognizes the divine in me, and vice versa. She recently said to me, “He thought you were going to be like all the other women on the dating site. No, you met a Divine Feminine. We’re spread all over. So, you never know where you’re going to meet us.”

Good people are everywhere. I believe it’s easier to recognize royal/divine people when you’re in the same room with them. With today’s technology, people can fool you. An attorney friend of mine used to tell me when I started the online dating thing years ago, “Trust, but verify.” If a person can prove they are who they say they are, then they’re a good person.

What is a quality person?

I go back to the post I wrote recently on How to recognize a quality person. As I mentioned in that post, no one is perfect. However, a quality person will have many or all of these characteristics:

  • Integrity.
  • Ambition.
  • Honesty.
  • Loyalty.
  • Self-sacrifice.
  • Self-control.
  • Accountability.
  • Always forgiving/Asks for forgiveness.
  • Makes things right.
  • Is generous with time, money and energy.
  • Has consistent positive actions and good intentions.

I’m always saying it, but it’s incredibly important to always be the best version of yourself — regardless of how others act. You’ll thank yourself for it. If the saying is true that “Like attracts like,” then by focusing on being a quality person yourself, you will eventually attract quality people.

Get clear on what you really want

I wrote in 2020 about How to get clear on what you want in life. You must know your core values, character, ambition, wants and desires. Once you determine that, you need to look for someone who has similar characteristics. However, you don’t want to be with someone who is exactly like you. It’s important to share things in common like interests, experiences, goals and ambition level, but the most important quality you should look for is shared core values. When those align, everything else is basically insignificant — or the small stiff that you shouldn’t sweat.

As I explained in the post on getting clear about what you really want, I’m big on list making because it combines thinking, writing and reading. These three things are known in Cognitive Psychology to reinforce learning. So, I encourage you to make a list of all the negative things you’ve experienced in past relationships. This man’s list could look something like this:

I don’t want a partner who …

  • Dumps all her problem on me on the first date.
  • Insults me without a good reason.
  • Has so much baggage that she can’t have a friendly conversation without mentioning it.
  • Asks me to get intimate with her after insulting me or the first time she meets me.
  • Is afraid to be alone.
  • Isn’t independent and can’t handle her own problems (or seek professional help to handle them).

Now, you know I don’t believe in focusing on the negative aspects of anything. So, after you make your negative list, I want you to make a positive list based on this one. Turn all the negatives into a positive so that you can easily and clearly recognize the behaviors and treatment you’re seeking. This man’s list could look something like this:

The person I’m seeking in my life will …

  • Be fun to be around and make me feel heard and appreciated.
  • Act interested in my life, and will not intentionally insult me.
  • Have some baggage (like everyone), but will only talk about it in positive terms when asked and focus on solutions and the lessons she’s learned from them.
  • Act like a lady, allow me to be the masculine and pursue her.
  • Not be afraid to be alone.
  • Be independent and can handle her own problems (or seek professional help to handle them).
  • Want to be a partner with me and share a balance of good and bad — not just one or the other.

Once you have your list, then you will be able to easily and quickly identify the person who is best for you. Be honest with yourself when you make it. Realize that no person can meet all your needs, but you can find someone who will fill the majority.

There is not a perfect person on this planet. However, there is someone out there who is perfect for you. You must trust your intuition and discernment when it come to finding a partner. Like my best friend’s friend used to say, “If it don’t feel right, it ain’t right.” Trust your feelings and listen to yourself — you know, deep down inside, what and who is best for you. You’re so powerful. Trust that royal kingdom within you to give you all the answers you need.

Do you have a question about life that you want Senée to answer? Leave it in the comments or email it to PrincessGuide@BecomingPublishing.com.

Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. If you’d like to work directly with Senée, she’s accepting new clients.

Posted on by

Just say no — How to set and enforce boundaries

I often say, “What part of no don’t you understand — the nuh or the oh?” No. It’s a complete sentence all by itself. Merriam-Webster defines the word no as, “[a word] used to express negation, dissent, denial, or refusal.”

It amazes me how some people fight you when you say no to things or requests that you know are not for your highest good. I believe they often do this because you saying no is denying or refusing them to control you or have their way over you that would benefit only them but not benefit you in any way. I say people who act like this have character defects and often have psychological disorders. Saying no is your birthright, and you have a duty to use this word to protect yourself and set healthy boundaries.

Senee Seale The Princess Guide

Setting boundaries

In her book Beyond Codependency, Melody Beattie explains, “Boundaries are limits that say: ‘This is how far I shall go. This is what I will or won’t do for you. This is what I won’t tolerate from you.’” While most of her work is focused on recovering from relationships with substance users, much of her advice can be applied to any type of relationship.

“Not only do many of us begin tolerating abnormal, unhealthy and inappropriate behaviors, we take it one step further: we convince ourselves these behaviors are normal and what we deserve,” she wrote. “We may become so familiar with verbal abuse and disrespectful treatment that we don’t even recognize when these things are happening. But deep inside, an important part of us knows. Our selves know and will tell us if we will listen.”

My friend’s friend used to say, “If it don’t feel right, it ain’t right.” She is correct. It’s in these moments where our insides shake, our thinking becomes negative and our stress level is so out of control that we scream at ourselves in an empty room when we know something is definitely wrong or off. I finally got to the point where I listened to my body and noticed that when I felt a heaviness in my chest or lump in my throat, that was a huge sign something was not right for me. These are exactly the moments when we need to use the word no.

I’m not talking about just romantic relationships here. I’m talking about in the workplace when you feel disrespected. I’m talking about in friendships when cruel words are spoken to you — and not spoken in love or concern for you. I’m talking about in online conversations when someone is bullying you to do something you don’t want to do. I’m even talking about in medical situations where you are being told to inject something into your body that you know will have a negative reaction inside of you. In each and every one of these situations, you have the right to just say no. Yes, people may threaten negative consequences on you if you don’t adhere to their intimidation. However, you must ask yourself if you can live with yourself after giving in to such unloving, uncaring, downright selfish demands.

I know what it feels like to be in these situations. I think I’ve experienced them all on every, single level. I had to come to the realization that I am too precious and divine to be treated in such a way — by anyone. Dr. Wayne Dyer wrote it best in Real Magic, “’I will send love, but I will remove myself physically from their presence because I am too divine and significant to be the subject of any abuse.’”

There is always another option to their threats. You just have to believe that, believe in yourself and believe that everything will work out for your highest good when you love yourself first and do what is best for you … They obviously do not have your best interests in mind if they’re forcing their will on you — even if they tell you they do (which is often the case, in my experience).

Beattie lists some examples of healthy boundaries that I’ve slightly modified to apply to most general situations:

  • I will not allow anyone to physically or verbally abuse me.
  • I will not knowingly believe or support lies.
  • I will not rescue people from the consequences of their irresponsible behavior.
  • I will not finance a person’s irresponsible behavior.
  • If you want to act crazy, that’s your business, but you can’t do it in front of me. Either you leave, or I’ll walk away.
  • You can spoil your fun, your day, your life — that’s your business — but I won’t let you spoil my fun, my day or my life.

“Set boundaries, but make sure they’re your boundaries,” she wrote. “The things we’re sick of, can’t stand and make threats about may be clues to some boundaries we need to set. They may also be clues to changes we need to make within ourselves.”

Senee Seale The Princess Guide

Put your foot down & expect resistance

Setting boundaries is the easy part, in my experience. Enforcing them can be a completely different thing. Dr. Phil McGraw is known for saying, “You teach people how to treat you.” He wrote in his book Life Strategies that difficult people look for results.

“You may complain or cry or threaten to give them negative results, but if the bottom line is that you reward the behavior by providing a response that the other person values, then that person decides, ‘Hey, this works. I now know how to get what I want.’”

Enforcing your boundaries will not be easy. Dr. Phil warns you to expect the following resistance:

  • Allegations that “You just don’t care anymore.”
  • Emotional extortion that takes the form of threats to leave if you don’t cave in, or they could use agitated threats of suicide.
  • Guilt on your part. “You must steel yourself against being manipulated by it,” he warned.

Dr. Phil said if you think the person you’re dealing with will actually harm himself or herself, then call the police and report it, but do not cave in. Beattie agrees and offers some encouragement.

“People may get angry at us for setting boundaries — they can’t use us anymore,” she wrote. [It’s been my experience that if they have psychological disorders or use substances, they most definitely will … expect it and plan for it.] “They may try to help us feel guilty [they will] so we will remove our boundary and return to the old system of letting then use or abuse you. Don’t feel guilty, and don’t back down. We can stick to our boundaries and enforce them. Be consistent.”

I’ll add — Just say no. Mean it. Enforce it. Walk away, if you need to.

Do you have a question about life that you want Senée to answer? Leave it in the comments or email it to PrincessGuide@BecomingPublishing.com.

Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives and relationships. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. If you’d like to work directly with Senée, she’s accepting new clients.

Posted on by

How to recognize a quality person

There was a time in my life where I found myself feeling tired — no, I was exhausted. I had been waiting for years for love to come into my life. I was exhausted from waiting and exhausted from dating. I was just exhausted. I realized that the best thing I could do for myself to express loving myself first was to stop the obsessive thoughts about another person and stop the negative thoughts about spending the rest of my life all alone.

I realized that I had to change my focus to things that I had control over, things that could help others, feed my purpose and make me feel good. Dr. Wayne Dyer used to say that God is good, and when we feel good, we are feeling God. Al-Anon teaches that when you identify things in your life that are unmanageable, you give them to God (as you know it) and focus on what you can change and control — yourself.

Senee Seale The Princess Guide

I have found that the real magic and amazing thing that happens when you redirect your attention to something else within your control is that you fuel your spirit, feel good and see results. Things you previously obsessed over tend to work out for your highest good either way — and you become perfectly fine with the outcome.

I began focusing on writing, creating new content for my brand, editing existing content and following through with new ideas and projects I had been thinking about. My spirit began to feel fueled. I began to feel good about myself and my purpose — I felt God, just like Dr. Dyer said. At the same time, I remained opened to receive love while staying protective of myself and who I allowed into my life. Christ said we have to be wise as a serpent and harmless as a dove. 

Not a quality person …

So, how do we know when a quality person comes along? I believe you have to start with identifying the characteristics of the wrong person before you can become clear on who is right.

In the 1990s, the female group TLC sang about Scrubs. In this song, they are identified as male, but these qualities can span both genders. They listed characteristics of a Scrub with some of them being:

  • Flirting from a friend’s car but having no vehicle of his own.
  • Living with parents, but not having a home of his own (not being financially independent or responsible).
  • Having children, but not showing love or being an active, responsible part of their lives.

I can add a few more to the list:

  • They don’t accept responsibility for their actions and blame others for everything that happens to them in life.
  • They try to convince you that their needs are more important than yours.
  •  They flatter you while manipulating you.
  • They lie habitually.
  • They have no credibility/don’t keep their word.

Let’s face it. We all have hardships in life and sometimes have to rebuild from Square One. (This has been especially true in the last year with all the lockdowns and job losses.) The difference here is that a quality person will do whatever they can to get back on their feet and be independent while a Scrub/non-quality person will be fine allowing others to support them and do nothing to change their situation.

A quality person …

No one is perfect. However, a quality person will have many or all of these characteristics:

  • Integrity.
  • Ambition.
  • Always forgiving/Asks for forgiveness.
  • Makes things right.
  • Is generous with time, money and energy.
  • Has consistent positive actions and good intentions.

I made this list before actually doing research on what experts are saying. My list seems to coincide with others like the Jim Rohn Guide to Leadership published on Success.com. His list is focused on business/leadership characteristics, but they apply to personal characteristics, too. They include:

  1. Integrity — The root of integrity means “whole” or “undivided,” and that’s a terrific way to help us understand what integrity is — an undivided life. For example, you don’t act one way in one situation and another in a different situation. There is integrity and wholeness to your life. Living this way will build trust in your followers [and those with whom you are in a relationship].
  2. Honesty — It is regularly said that honesty is the best policy, but I would add that honesty is the only policy for great leaders … a lack of honesty results in the fact that you destroy the trust of those who follow you. Even if you tell them the truth but they know you have lied to others, it will destroy the trust you had with them … When we’re honest and live transparently before our followers, they’re able to see us for who we are and make solid decisions to follow.
  3. Loyalty — People of good character are loyal people. They have a “stick-to-it” attitude when it comes to others …  A person of good character stays with their friends even in the downtimes … When we are loyal to our followers, they’ll be loyal to us and make every effort to succeed on our behalf and on behalf of the organization. There are few things that strengthen the leader-follower bond more than when a leader shows loyalty to a follower in need.
  4. Self-Sacrifice — People of good character don’t use other people, period. So, when a leader shows sacrifice of personal gain, it says to the followers that they are willing to come alongside of them — and followers reward that almost universally. A person of good character shows that they can give up personal gain for the good of the whole.
  5. Accountability — People of good character don’t mind accountability. In fact, they welcome it. This is the act of allowing others to have a say in your life, to speak to you straight about your life and conduct … When we allow ourselves to be held accountable, our followers know that we are serious about keeping our own house in order, and thus will do a good job in leading the rest of the organization.
  6. Self-Control — Everybody has temptations, but a person of good character knows to exercise self-control — literal control over their choices. When people don’t exercise self-control, they sabotage their ability to lead. People lose respect for them and will follow less, if at all. Self-control is the ability to choose to do the things we should, and to refrain from doing the things we shouldn’t. When we exhibit self-control, we again build trust in our followers. They respect us and want to follow us.

I believe a person who possesses these qualities also has another quality not yet mentioned — love. A person who operates in unconditional love — for themselves and others — naturally exhibits these qualities and is therefore a quality person. “When you come to another with love in your heart, asking nothing, only offering that love, you create miraculous relationships,” wrote Dr. Wayne Dyer in Real Magic.

Love is the highest vibrational energy that exists. That’s why we’ve always been told to send people love instead of a negative, low-vibrational energy emotion such as hate, envy, jealousy, anger or fear. Your intentions matter. Acting with pure, loving intentions will make you a quality person and transform all your relationships. “Your intention to have a blissful relationship requires you to act in ways consistent with that intention,” Dr. Dyer wrote. “This is the secret to making your relationships magical … Surround yourself with people who encourage you to be all that you are capable of being … If you meet someone whose soul is not on purpose, as yours is, you send them love and move along, trusting and knowing that the right soul mates will show up and meet you at the same frequency that you are radiating.”

Be the best version of yourself — regardless of how others act. You’ll thank yourself for it. If the saying is true that “Like attracts like,” then by focusing on being a quality person yourself, you will eventually attract quality people. You will most definitely be able to spot them immediately, in any case.

Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives and relationships. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. If you’d like to work directly with Senée, she’s accepting new clients.

Posted on by

That isn’t love

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about love. In today’s society, we encounter many people who are either so emotionally unavailable that they only want you around when it’s convenient for them or they have nothing better to do, or they put so many conditions on love that you have to question if they’re offering you love or bondage.

“I love you, but you have to do this for me.” ” I love you, but if you don’t do this, I’ll never forgive you!” “You know I love you, but you have to act this certain way or you’re showing me that you don’t love me back!” “I love you only when you do this. Otherwise, I’m not sure I even like you!” “I love you, but you can’t say anything about my negative behavior … That shows me that I love and trust the wrong person!” The list goes on and on.

I keep going back in my mind to what it says about love in 1 Corinthians 13.

  • Love is patient.
  • Love is kind.
  • Love is not jealous.
  • Love does not brag.
  • Love is not proud.
  • Love is not rude.
  • Love is not selfish.
  • Love cannot be made angry easily.
  • Love does not remember wrongs done against it.
  • Love is never happy when others do wrong.
  • Love is always happy with the truth.
  • Love never gives up on people.
  • Love never stops trusting.
  • Love never loses hope.
  • Love never quits.
  • Love will never end.

Dr. Tim Clinton, author of Identifying Real Love, defines infatuation in contrast with real love to give us a deeper insight. “An infatuation does indeed go as unexpectedly as it comes and there is little you can do about it, but real love is unselfish, committed love. It hangs in there … Some couples are basing their marriage on real love. Others are basing theirs on infatuation which is false love. A marriage based on infatuation will not last,” he wrote.

In the last few weeks, I keep hearing in my head the line of a song my granny and I used to sing together, If That Isn’t Love (talking about Christ). However, I just keep hearing the words, “That isn’t love!” Example after example of relationships I’ve been involved in have crossed my mind, and I keep hearing those same words.

If someone says insulting things to you, that isn’t love. If someone puts you on a guilt trip and makes you feel badly, that isn’t love. If someone pressures you to give into their will and wishes, that isn’t love. If someone isn’t there for you physically and/or emotionally when they can be, that isn’t love. If someone chests on you, that obviously isn’t love. If someone tells you they’ll never forgive you for something you never did (but they thought you did), that isn’t love. If someone makes you an option when they have nothing better to do, that isn’t love. If someone makes you feel that you have no value to them, that isn’t love. I could go on and on with example after example, but you get my point.

Dr. Clinton said you can spot true love by these qualities:

  • True love offers a safe place to be you. It isn’t driven by a desire to rescue, over protect, control or manipulate … or a need to perform.
  •  True love values the other person for who they are and celebrates healthy separateness.
  • True love genuinely wants the best for the other person. It is grounded in our heart’s desire to cherish, honor and treasure another simply because of who they are.

These three things are easy to understand and remember. However, if that isn’t enough, the he gives us these clues to look for:

  • If your love is real, your interest is in the total personality of the one you love. There is the thrilling element of physical attraction, but it is only one of many things about the person that attracts you.
  • If it is real love, most of the qualities of the other person attracts you. This is important because, when the initial excitement of being married wears off, you need a lot of common interests to keep your marriage alive and well.
  • Real love always starts slowly. It cannot be any other way. You have to know a person before you can truly love that person and that takes time — lots of time — to really know someone.
  • In real love, your feelings are likely to be warm and tender instead of hot and cold, and they are more consistent. Real love grows slowly, but the roots grow deep.
  • If your love is real, the one you love will bring out your best qualities and make you want to be a better person. In real love, you plan and prepare yourself for a successful future marriage.
  • In real love, your beloved is the most important person in the world to you. However, your relationships with your family and friends continue to be important to you, and you do not neglect them.
  • In real love, absence makes your heart grow fonder of the one you love. Real love can and will survive the test of time and distance.
  • In real love, there will be disagreements, but real love will live through them. They will become less frequent and less severe. Every couple should learn how to handle conflicts. It is far better to discuss differences openly and frankly than to allow them to smolder under the surface.
  • Real love is unselfish, committed love. You want to do all you can to bring happiness to the other person. Your overall attitude is that of giving to the relationship and not that of getting what you can out of it.

“Regardless of the choices others make, you can learn the secrets of loving well,” Dr. Clinton wrote. “You can learn to recognize and receive real love when it comes your way — and push back when it doesn’t. You can learn to really love the people in your life — and know when and how to help them without hurting yourself in the process.”

I go back to the topic of loving yourself first. It is so important to practice it because, in today’s society of opportunists and online scammers, you will most likely be faced with unloving behavior. If you don’t love yourself first, it will be a lot harder to push back and stand up to this kind of behavior. Let me be very clear here: There is nothing wrong with standing up for yourself when another person is mistreating you — no matter how many times they may call you stingy or selfish. It is your duty and responsibility to stand up for and protect yourself in a graceful and royal way, of course.

Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives and relationships. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. If you’d like to work directly with Senée, she’s accepting new clients.