I often say, “What part of no don’t you understand — the nuh or the oh?” No. It’s a complete sentence all by itself. Merriam-Webster defines the word no as, “[a word] used to express negation, dissent, denial, or refusal.”
It amazes me how some people fight you when you say no to things or requests that you know are not for your highest good. I believe they often do this because you saying no is denying or refusing them to control you or have their way over you that would benefit only them but not benefit you in any way. I say people who act like this have character defects and often have psychological disorders. Saying no is your birthright, and you have a duty to use this word to protect yourself and set healthy boundaries.
Setting boundaries
In her book Beyond Codependency, Melody Beattie explains, “Boundaries are limits that say: ‘This is how far I shall go. This is what I will or won’t do for you. This is what I won’t tolerate from you.’” While most of her work is focused on recovering from relationships with substance users, much of her advice can be applied to any type of relationship.
“Not only do many of us begin tolerating abnormal, unhealthy and inappropriate behaviors, we take it one step further: we convince ourselves these behaviors are normal and what we deserve,” she wrote. “We may become so familiar with verbal abuse and disrespectful treatment that we don’t even recognize when these things are happening. But deep inside, an important part of us knows. Our selves know and will tell us if we will listen.”
My friend’s friend used to say, “If it don’t feel right, it ain’t right.” She is correct. It’s in these moments where our insides shake, our thinking becomes negative and our stress level is so out of control that we scream at ourselves in an empty room when we know something is definitely wrong or off. I finally got to the point where I listened to my body and noticed that when I felt a heaviness in my chest or lump in my throat, that was a huge sign something was not right for me. These are exactly the moments when we need to use the word no.
I’m not talking about just romantic relationships here. I’m talking about in the workplace when you feel disrespected. I’m talking about in friendships when cruel words are spoken to you — and not spoken in love or concern for you. I’m talking about in online conversations when someone is bullying you to do something you don’t want to do. I’m even talking about in medical situations where you are being told to inject something into your body that you know will have a negative reaction inside of you. In each and every one of these situations, you have the right to just say no. Yes, people may threaten negative consequences on you if you don’t adhere to their intimidation. However, you must ask yourself if you can live with yourself after giving in to such unloving, uncaring, downright selfish demands.
I know what it feels like to be in these situations. I think I’ve experienced them all on every, single level. I had to come to the realization that I am too precious and divine to be treated in such a way — by anyone. Dr. Wayne Dyer wrote it best in Real Magic, “’I will send love, but I will remove myself physically from their presence because I am too divine and significant to be the subject of any abuse.’”
There is always another option to their threats. You just have to believe that, believe in yourself and believe that everything will work out for your highest good when you love yourself first and do what is best for you … They obviously do not have your best interests in mind if they’re forcing their will on you — even if they tell you they do (which is often the case, in my experience).
Beattie lists some examples of healthy boundaries that I’ve slightly modified to apply to most general situations:
- I will not allow anyone to physically or verbally abuse me.
- I will not knowingly believe or support lies.
- I will not rescue people from the consequences of their irresponsible behavior.
- I will not finance a person’s irresponsible behavior.
- If you want to act crazy, that’s your business, but you can’t do it in front of me. Either you leave, or I’ll walk away.
- You can spoil your fun, your day, your life — that’s your business — but I won’t let you spoil my fun, my day or my life.
“Set boundaries, but make sure they’re your boundaries,” she wrote. “The things we’re sick of, can’t stand and make threats about may be clues to some boundaries we need to set. They may also be clues to changes we need to make within ourselves.”
Put your foot down & expect resistance
Setting boundaries is the easy part, in my experience. Enforcing them can be a completely different thing. Dr. Phil McGraw is known for saying, “You teach people how to treat you.” He wrote in his book Life Strategies that difficult people look for results.
“You may complain or cry or threaten to give them negative results, but if the bottom line is that you reward the behavior by providing a response that the other person values, then that person decides, ‘Hey, this works. I now know how to get what I want.’”
Enforcing your boundaries will not be easy. Dr. Phil warns you to expect the following resistance:
- Allegations that “You just don’t care anymore.”
- Emotional extortion that takes the form of threats to leave if you don’t cave in, or they could use agitated threats of suicide.
- Guilt on your part. “You must steel yourself against being manipulated by it,” he warned.
Dr. Phil said if you think the person you’re dealing with will actually harm himself or herself, then call the police and report it, but do not cave in. Beattie agrees and offers some encouragement.
“People may get angry at us for setting boundaries — they can’t use us anymore,” she wrote. [It’s been my experience that if they have psychological disorders or use substances, they most definitely will … expect it and plan for it.] “They may try to help us feel guilty [they will] so we will remove our boundary and return to the old system of letting then use or abuse you. Don’t feel guilty, and don’t back down. We can stick to our boundaries and enforce them. Be consistent.”
I’ll add — Just say no. Mean it. Enforce it. Walk away, if you need to.
Do you have a question about life that you want Senée to answer? Leave it in the comments or email it to PrincessGuide@BecomingPublishing.com.
Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives and relationships. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. If you’d like to work directly with Senée, she’s accepting new clients.
