I recently had someone ask, “I have always dated older men, but now I find myself more attracted to younger men. It isn’t a problem for them or me, but outside people are starting to call me negative names like cougar. Is it wrong for me to be angry?”
You may have heard that ladies and gentlemen don’t get angry — that it isn’t proper or becoming of them. The real truth is that anger is a natural emotion. It’s part of the grieving process and something to be experienced, observed and released.
I’ve said it countless times and will continue to say it — We grieve many times in life, not just when someone passes over. Any time we have a perceived loss or massive change in life, we must grieve it to arrive at a place of acceptance and move forward in a positive direction in life.
“We can have our angry feelings. We can connect with them, own them, feel them, express them, release them and be done with them,” wrote Melody Beattie in The Language of Letting Go. “We can learn to listen to what anger is telling us about what we want and need in order to take care of ourselves.”
Let it go
In 2014, all the little girls were crazy about the movie Frozen and its theme song Let It Go. There’s something to that story. When we hold on to negative emotions — especially anger — it hurts us and not the other person. I’ve written about forgiveness in my books, but you can’t truly forgive another person or yourself if you’re internalizing anger.
In his book, Mars and Venus Starting Over, Dr. John Gray wrote, “Feeling and then releasing anger reconnects us to our passion for love and life.”
In my personal experience and professional observation, a person can go back and forth between the stages of grief until they finally arrive at Acceptance. During my darkest time while grieving the loss of a relationship, I went through Denial, Depression, Denial, Bargaining, Denial, Depression, Anger, Depression, Anger, Anger, Anger (I was never allowed to feel it before, so it took its toll in this process), and finally Acceptance.
“We can feel angry without hurting or abusing others or ourselves … If we don’t feel our angry feelings today, we will need to face them tomorrow,” wrote Beattie.
Dr. Gray talked about grieving the loss of love in his book, but this insight can be applied to grieving, in general. “Grieving … means fully feeling and then releasing all the painful emotions that come up when we reflect on our loss … Yet, another mistake is not giving ourselves permission to experience all our feelings,” he wrote.
When I was studying Marriage & Family Psychology in undergrad, my professor said anger is a beneficial emotion. She described it as “powerful but alienating.” She said the best way to deal with anger is to let it all out — venting does not solve the problem.
How to let it all out
So, how do we let anger all out without causing damage to ourselves or others? What’s the healthy way to be angry?
I remember having a conversation about this with a therapist friend of mine who also happens to be a Christian. I was talking about how Paul said in Ephesians 4 to “be angry, but do no sin.” I asked her, “What does that ‘do not sin’ part look like?” She said it means to feel angry about something but don’t go burn someone’s house down or destroy their car with a baseball bat.
In the past, some therapists have suggested having a pillow fight or using foam bats. Today, there are rage rooms where you can pay to go destroy property with a real baseball bat. I think exercising or using a punching bag with boxing gloves may be a heathier alternative that benefits both the body and brain. Dr. Daniel Amen would probably agree with me.
“[Exercise] releases endorphins that induce a sense of well-being … Exercise also increases blood flow throughout the brain which nourishes it so that it can function properly,” he wrote in Change Your Brain, Change Your Life. “Exercise can also be very helpful in calming worries and increasing cognitive flexibility … [it raises] brain serotonin levels.”
I believe in releasing emotions through the body — especially the hands. Writing with pen and paper is an effective way to get negative emotions out of the body in a healthy way while giving you the space to be completely open, honest and transparent. I do recommend destroying the paper after you finish so that no one can use it against you. I find burning it especially beneficial. There’s something about those negative emotions going up in smoke that is therapeutic and spiritual at the same time. If you need to, get in a place where no one can hear or bother you and scream and ugly cry — I mean that kind of cry where snot is running down your face, ugly cry.
However you choose to feel and release your anger, know that it is just a tool to get you to the ultimate goal of acceptance. Merriam-Webster defines the root word accept as “endure without protest or reaction; to recognize as true.” Personally, I don’t think acceptance means that we have to like what is, but we have to acknowledge that it is what it is and be alright with it — not let it bother us.
Beattie advised that you tell yourself, “I know this is exactly the way it’s supposed to be for the moment.” That’s a very freeing statement that comes with a lot of hope in the way I read it. Accepting yourself and your situation, knowing that it is only momentary and that you give it your full permission and faith to change in a positive way is very empowering. So, be angry if you need to, feel it, release it and move forward in a positive direction — just do the next right thing for yourself.
Do you have a question about life that you want Senée to answer? Leave it in the comments or email it to PrincessGuide@BecomingPublishing.com.
Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives and relationships. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. If you’d like to schedule a personal session with Senée, she’s accepting new clients.
