It’s Thankful Thursday once again, and today we’re talking about unconditional love. I may not have said it in this video, but let me be clear here … If you’re living and breathing, then you deserve to be loved — first and foremost by yourself, then by others. If you choose to participate in negative behaviors that are unacceptable to others, then that is your choice to continue in those behaviors and their choice to set healthy boundaries not allow you into their lives. However, you can begin to show unconditional love to yourself first — I’m not talking about excusing negative, destructive behavior nor enabling it. What I’m suggesting here is that you love yourself unconditionally through the process of changing such behaviors.
The love of others is important. I know I talk a lot about loving yourself first, being independent, standing alone and going to the kingdom within for the answers. All of these things are good. What I don’t think I’ve made very clear in my work is that we were not created to go through life alone. Like they say, “No man is an island.” I believe we came here to love and be loved. Psychological research shows that we need human interaction — not through a screen but being physically together in the same room with others. We all need help at different points on our journeys. There’s nothing wrong with that at all. It is through these times of giving and receiving love and kindness that we feel fully alive and human.
So, check out the video for today’s gratitude practice … In case I haven’t told you lately, I’m so grateful for you! Every like, new follower, comment, email … I pray for each and every one of you that you will experience real love, joy, peace, health, blessings and prosperity! I mean that from the bottom of my heart. It’s going to be fabulous for you in 2022!
Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princess Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. If you’d like to book a personal session with Senée, she’s accepting new clients.
On this Self Love Sunday episode, we’re talking all about what self-love is and what it is not. Watch to the end because I have a special exercise for you to do! I want to know what you’re learning about self-love and how you are implementing these things into your life. So, leave a comment here!
Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. If you’d like to schedule a personal session with Senée, she’s accepting new clients.
There was a time in my life where I found myself feeling tired — no, I was exhausted. I had been waiting for years for love to come into my life. I was exhausted from waiting and exhausted from dating. I was just exhausted. I realized that the best thing I could do for myself to express loving myself first was to stop the obsessive thoughts about another person and stop the negative thoughts about spending the rest of my life all alone.
I realized that I had to change my focus to things that I had control over, things that could help others, feed my purpose and make me feel good. Dr. Wayne Dyer used to say that God is good, and when we feel good, we are feeling God. Al-Anon teaches that when you identify things in your life that are unmanageable, you give them to God (as you know it) and focus on what you can change and control — yourself.
I have found that the real magic and amazing thing that happens when you redirect your attention to something else within your control is that you fuel your spirit, feel good and see results. Things you previously obsessed over tend to work out for your highest good either way — and you become perfectly fine with the outcome.
I began focusing on writing, creating new content for my brand, editing existing content and following through with new ideas and projects I had been thinking about. My spirit began to feel fueled. I began to feel good about myself and my purpose — I felt God, just like Dr. Dyer said. At the same time, I remained opened to receive love while staying protective of myself and who I allowed into my life. Christ said we have to be wise as a serpent and harmless as a dove.
Not a quality person …
So, how do we know when a quality person comes along? I believe you have to start with identifying the characteristics of the wrong person before you can become clear on who is right.
In the 1990s, the female group TLC sang about Scrubs. In this song, they are identified as male, but these qualities can span both genders. They listed characteristics of a Scrub with some of them being:
Flirting from a friend’s car but having no vehicle of his own.
Living with parents, but not having a home of his own (not being financially independent or responsible).
Having children, but not showing love or being an active, responsible part of their lives.
I can add a few more to the list:
They don’t accept responsibility for their actions and blame others for everything that happens to them in life.
They try to convince you that their needs are more important than yours.
They flatter you while manipulating you.
They lie habitually.
They have no credibility/don’t keep their word.
Let’s face it. We all have hardships in life and sometimes have to rebuild from Square One. (This has been especially true in the last year with all the lockdowns and job losses.) The difference here is that a quality person will do whatever they can to get back on their feet and be independent while a Scrub/non-quality person will be fine allowing others to support them and do nothing to change their situation.
A quality person …
No one is perfect. However, a quality person will have many or all of these characteristics:
Integrity.
Ambition.
Always forgiving/Asks for forgiveness.
Makes things right.
Is generous with time, money and energy.
Has consistent positive actions and good intentions.
I made this list before actually doing research on what experts are saying. My list seems to coincide with others like the Jim Rohn Guide to Leadership published on Success.com. His list is focused on business/leadership characteristics, but they apply to personal characteristics, too. They include:
Integrity — The root of integrity means “whole” or “undivided,” and that’s a terrific way to help us understand what integrity is — an undivided life. For example, you don’t act one way in one situation and another in a different situation. There is integrity and wholeness to your life. Living this way will build trust in your followers [and those with whom you are in a relationship].
Honesty — It is regularly said that honesty is the best policy, but I would add that honesty is the only policy for great leaders … a lack of honesty results in the fact that you destroy the trust of those who follow you. Even if you tell them the truth but they know you have lied to others, it will destroy the trust you had with them … When we’re honest and live transparently before our followers, they’re able to see us for who we are and make solid decisions to follow.
Loyalty — People of good character are loyal people. They have a “stick-to-it” attitude when it comes to others … A person of good character stays with their friends even in the downtimes … When we are loyal to our followers, they’ll be loyal to us and make every effort to succeed on our behalf and on behalf of the organization. There are few things that strengthen the leader-follower bond more than when a leader shows loyalty to a follower in need.
Self-Sacrifice — People of good character don’t use other people, period. So, when a leader shows sacrifice of personal gain, it says to the followers that they are willing to come alongside of them — and followers reward that almost universally. A person of good character shows that they can give up personal gain for the good of the whole.
Accountability — People of good character don’t mind accountability. In fact, they welcome it. This is the act of allowing others to have a say in your life, to speak to you straight about your life and conduct … When we allow ourselves to be held accountable, our followers know that we are serious about keeping our own house in order, and thus will do a good job in leading the rest of the organization.
Self-Control — Everybody has temptations, but a person of good character knows to exercise self-control — literal control over their choices. When people don’t exercise self-control, they sabotage their ability to lead. People lose respect for them and will follow less, if at all. Self-control is the ability to choose to do the things we should, and to refrain from doing the things we shouldn’t. When we exhibit self-control, we again build trust in our followers. They respect us and want to follow us.
I believe a person who possesses these qualities also has another quality not yet mentioned — love. A person who operates in unconditional love — for themselves and others — naturally exhibits these qualities and is therefore a quality person. “When you come to another with love in your heart, asking nothing, only offering that love, you create miraculous relationships,” wrote Dr. Wayne Dyer in Real Magic.
Love is the highest vibrational energy that exists. That’s why we’ve always been told to send people love instead of a negative, low-vibrational energy emotion such as hate, envy, jealousy, anger or fear. Your intentions matter. Acting with pure, loving intentions will make you a quality person and transform all your relationships. “Your intention to have a blissful relationship requires you to act in ways consistent with that intention,” Dr. Dyer wrote. “This is the secret to making your relationships magical … Surround yourself with people who encourage you to be all that you are capable of being … If you meet someone whose soul is not on purpose, as yours is, you send them love and move along, trusting and knowing that the right soul mates will show up and meet you at the same frequency that you are radiating.”
Be the best version of yourself — regardless of how others act. You’ll thank yourself for it. If the saying is true that “Like attracts like,” then by focusing on being a quality person yourself, you will eventually attract quality people. You will most definitely be able to spot them immediately, in any case.
Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives and relationships. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. If you’d like to work directly with Senée, she’s accepting new clients.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about love. In today’s society, we encounter many people who are either so emotionally unavailable that they only want you around when it’s convenient for them or they have nothing better to do, or they put so many conditions on love that you have to question if they’re offering you love or bondage.
“I love you, but you have to do this for me.” ” I love you, but if you don’t do this, I’ll never forgive you!” “You know I love you, but you have to act this certain way or you’re showing me that you don’t love me back!” “I love you only when you do this. Otherwise, I’m not sure I even like you!” “I love you, but you can’t say anything about my negative behavior … That shows me that I love and trust the wrong person!” The list goes on and on.
I keep going back in my mind to what it says about love in 1 Corinthians 13.
Love is patient.
Love is kind.
Love is not jealous.
Love does not brag.
Love is not proud.
Love is not rude.
Love is not selfish.
Love cannot be made angry easily.
Love does not remember wrongs done against it.
Love is never happy when others do wrong.
Love is always happy with the truth.
Love never gives up on people.
Love never stops trusting.
Love never loses hope.
Love never quits.
Love will never end.
Dr. Tim Clinton, author of Identifying Real Love, defines infatuation in contrast with real love to give us a deeper insight. “An infatuation does indeed go as unexpectedly as it comes and there is little you can do about it, but real love is unselfish, committed love. It hangs in there … Some couples are basing their marriage on real love. Others are basing theirs on infatuation which is false love. A marriage based on infatuation will not last,” he wrote.
In the last few weeks, I keep hearing in my head the line of a song my granny and I used to sing together, If That Isn’t Love (talking about Christ). However, I just keep hearing the words, “That isn’t love!” Example after example of relationships I’ve been involved in have crossed my mind, and I keep hearing those same words.
If someone says insulting things to you, that isn’t love. If someone puts you on a guilt trip and makes you feel badly, that isn’t love. If someone pressures you to give into their will and wishes, that isn’t love. If someone isn’t there for you physically and/or emotionally when they can be, that isn’t love. If someone chests on you, that obviously isn’t love. If someone tells you they’ll never forgive you for something you never did (but they thought you did), that isn’t love. If someone makes you an option when they have nothing better to do, that isn’t love. If someone makes you feel that you have no value to them, that isn’t love. I could go on and on with example after example, but you get my point.
Dr. Clinton said you can spot true love by these qualities:
True love offers a safe place to be you. It isn’t driven by a desire to rescue, over protect, control or manipulate … or a need to perform.
True love values the other person for who they are and celebrates healthy separateness.
True love genuinely wants the best for the other person. It is grounded in our heart’s desire to cherish, honor and treasure another simply because of who they are.
These three things are easy to understand and remember. However, if that isn’t enough, the he gives us these clues to look for:
If your love is real, your interest is in the total personality of the one you love. There is the thrilling element of physical attraction, but it is only one of many things about the person that attracts you.
If it is real love, most of the qualities of the other person attracts you. This is important because, when the initial excitement of being married wears off, you need a lot of common interests to keep your marriage alive and well.
Real love always starts slowly. It cannot be any other way. You have to know a person before you can truly love that person and that takes time — lots of time — to really know someone.
In real love, your feelings are likely to be warm and tender instead of hot and cold, and they are more consistent. Real love grows slowly, but the roots grow deep.
If your love is real, the one you love will bring out your best qualities and make you want to be a better person. In real love, you plan and prepare yourself for a successful future marriage.
In real love, your beloved is the most important person in the world to you. However, your relationships with your family and friends continue to be important to you, and you do not neglect them.
In real love, absence makes your heart grow fonder of the one you love. Real love can and will survive the test of time and distance.
In real love, there will be disagreements, but real love will live through them. They will become less frequent and less severe. Every couple should learn how to handle conflicts. It is far better to discuss differences openly and frankly than to allow them to smolder under the surface.
Real love is unselfish, committed love. You want to do all you can to bring happiness to the other person. Your overall attitude is that of giving to the relationship and not that of getting what you can out of it.
“Regardless of the choices others make, you can learn the secrets of loving well,” Dr. Clinton wrote. “You can learn to recognize and receive real love when it comes your way — and push back when it doesn’t. You can learn to really love the people in your life — and know when and how to help them without hurting yourself in the process.”
I go back to the topic of loving yourself first. It is so important to practice it because, in today’s society of opportunists and online scammers, you will most likely be faced with unloving behavior. If you don’t love yourself first, it will be a lot harder to push back and stand up to this kind of behavior. Let me be very clear here: There is nothing wrong with standing up for yourself when another person is mistreating you — no matter how many times they may call you stingy or selfish. It is your duty and responsibility to stand up for and protect yourself in a graceful and royal way, of course.
Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives and relationships. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. If you’d like to work directly with Senée, she’s accepting new clients.
February and December can be two of the hardest months if you’re single. It seems like everyone around you and everyone on social media is being celebrated and loved. I dated a couple of guys who disappeared around Thanksgiving and didn’t reappear until the flowers began blooming. Make no mistake — They disappeared so they wouldn’t have to do anything for me during Christmas and Valentines. It made me feel terrible and less than important. I began making one of the qualifying questions to get a date with me, “Do you celebrate holidays and look for ways to make it special for the woman you’re dating?” Being in a long-term relationship with someone who chooses not to do things for you can make you feel even worse.
When studying Marriage & Family Therapy in graduate school, I learned that women who are highly educated and professionals have a higher rate of divorce. My instructor said it has something to do with women having more choices today with increased income. (Previous generations got married to have an income.) While being married appears to be the goal for many women, some find that staying married is a lot more work than anyone will tell you about.
I may sound like a broken record, but I will say once again that loving yourself and practicing loving actions toward yourself will not only help you cultivate healthy self-esteem that no one can take away from you, but it will also give you the skills you need to love others when the right relationship comes into your life.
How do you really love yourself, especially when you’ve been rejected, or you’ve been told through other people’s words or actions that you are not lovable? How can you put self-love into practice? Let me say that being all alone when you begin the process is the perfect time and atmosphere to focus on yourself without the judgment or distractions of others. I highly encourage it, if you have that option. Relationship expert Dr. Margaret Paul gave The Huffington Post these suggestions for learning to love yourself:
Listen within to your own feelings. Many people easily tune into others’ feelings yet have no idea what they feel. If you ignore a child’s feelings, that child will feel unloved. Ignoring your own feelings has the same result — your inner child feels rejected, abandoned and unloved by you.
Be compassionate with your feelings. If you judge your feelings, telling yourself you are wrong for having them, your inner child will feel rejected and abandoned by you. If you are kind, gentle, tender, understanding, and accepting of your feelings, your inner child will feel loved by you.
Be open to learning about what your feelings are telling you. Just as an actual child feels loved when you are compassionately interested in why he or she is hurting, your inner child will feel loved when you explore what your feelings are telling you … Compassionately attending to your feelings, learning what they are telling you and then taking action to remedy the situation, will make you feel loved.
Create a solid connection with a spiritual source of love, wisdom, and comfort. Love is not a feeling we generate from our mind. It comes from the heart when our heart is open to our source of love. When you open to learning with your higher power about loving yourself and others, love flows into your heart, and you feel loved.
Choose to be around loving people. We don’t always have a choice — such as in work relationships — but when we do have a choice — such as in personal relationships — choosing to be around caring, supportive and accepting people will make you feel loved. If, when you have a choice, you consistently engage with unkind, judgmental or abusive people, the message you are sending to yourself is that you are not worth loving.
Take loving actions for yourself around others. When you are around someone who is being unkind, speak up for yourself letting the person know that you don’t like being treated that way, and then either be open to learning about what is going on, or lovingly disengage from the interaction. Allowing others to treat you badly sends a message to your inner child that he or she is not worth loving.
Take care of your body, your time, your space and your finances. You will feel loved and lovable when you feed yourself healthy food, and get exercise and sleep. When you ignore your health, you are giving yourself the message that you are not worth loving. When you respect your own and others’ time and space, you are letting yourself know that you are worth it. When you overspend, putting yourself in unnecessary debt, you are not taking loving care of yourself, and your inner child will feel scared, alone, and unloved. Just as an actual child needs to feel safe regarding the necessities of life, your inner child needs to feel the same way.
Find work you love. Since work takes up a big part of your day, finding or creating work that fulfils you is vitally important. If you continue to force yourself to stay at jobs you hate, the message to yourself is that you are not worth doing whatever it is you need to do to create a fulfilling work life.
Create balance. We need balance in our life to feel loved and lovable. We need time to work and time to rest and rejuvenate. We also need time to nurture our body and soul through activities that bring us joy.
Learning to love yourself isn’t easy. If it were, we would all be pros at it — and therapists would be out of jobs. However, I’m living proof that it’s possible. Taking it day-by-day and practicing these principles intentionally will eventually (over several weeks and months) will make it automatic in your thinking and behavior.
Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives and relationships. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. If you’d like to work directly with Senée, she’s accepting new clients.
I’ve been accused of not having long-lasting relationships. It is true that none of my romantic relationships have worked out yet — not for lack of trying on my part. However, it’s a fact that I haven’t had the opportunity to experience a long-term marriage like my grandparents and others I know who have stayed together and in love for decades. However, we must keep in mind that romantic relationships aren’t the only ones that count.
My best friend and I have been like sisters for three decades. We went to high school and college together and have seen each other through all the ups and downs of life including failed marriages, romantic relationship breakups, the death of our fathers, deaths of grandparents, the birth of her child, graduations, celebrations and everything in between. Being there for another person to love and support them when they need you is developing the skills you need to do it in a romantic relationship. More importantly, the relationship you have with yourself is the longest one you’ll have in your lifetime and the one you should be cultivating on a daily basis. Like I’m always saying in my writing — Learning to love yourself first in a healthy way will benefit all your other relationships. It’s been through this long-term relationship with my best friend that I have learned to not only give and receive unconditional love from another person, but I’ve also learned to cultivate healthy self-love and confidence.
Webster Illustrated Contemporary Dictionary defines love as, “A strong, tender affection, deep devotion; the affection felt by two persons who are sexually attracted to one another; a person who is the object of another’s affection; a very great interest or fondness.” “The Greeks divided love into three elements,” wrote Frank D. Cox in Human Intimacy. “Eros is the physical, sexual side of love. It is needing, desiring and wanting the other person physically … Agape is the altruistic, giving, non-demanding side of love … Agape is an unconditional, affirmation of another person. It is the desire to care, help and give to the loved one. It is unselfish love … Philos is the love found in deep and enduring friendships It is also the kind of love described in the Bible as ‘Love thy neighbor as thyself.’ It can be deep friendship for specific people, or it can be a love that is generalized to all people.”
“Love … is the chief thing in life,” wrote Dr. Wayne Dyer in Your Sacred Self. “It is the essence of the universe. It is the glue that holds everything together. It is the substance of your higher self.”
Obviously, for the purposes of this book, we will not be talking about Eros love, but we will be applying the principles of Agape and Philos love to loving ourselves first. “… the better we know our own attitudes and definitions of love, the better we will become in making long-lasting intimate relationships,” Cox wrote.
When speaking about self-love — also referred to in psychological circles as self-compassion — researchers are finding it is not only the key to positive mental health, but also the key to life. “Though the term ‘self-compassion’ may sound like self-indulgence or may feel like a weakness, it is actually the secret to resilience, strength in the face of failure, the ability to learn from mistakes and to bounce back with greater enthusiasm,” wrote Dr. Emma Seppala. “Self-compassion involves treating oneself as one would a friend, being more mindful, and understanding our situation in the context of a larger human experience. When we can be more understanding and gentler with ourselves, identify less with the emotions that surround our mistakes and understand that failure is a normal part of the larger human experience, we become stronger and more successful in the long run … the state of your life depends on the state of your mind. So be kind to yourself.”
“Studies have shown that perfectionists are at a higher risk of several illnesses — both physical and mental — and that self-compassion might free us from its grip,” wrote Ana Sandoiu for Medical News Today. “Therefore, perfectionism and self-compassion are inextricably linked.”
Kristin Neff, a researcher, author of Self-Compassion and professor of human development at the University of Texas at Austin reminds us, “Love, connection and acceptance are your birthright ….”
In his book, The 4:8 Principle, Tommy Newberry wrote, “Self-worth is not based on accomplishments but on the significance you place on your life outside of your performance — on your identity as one created and loved by God. Oddly enough, when you see yourself as worthwhile and valuable outside of any accomplishments, you are better positioned to excel.”
According to Nurturing Parenting, “Our ‘self” is a composite of all the aspects of life that give us an identity … Our self is a picture puzzle made up of thousands of pieces all fitting together to make a picture. Without all the pieces, the picture would be incomplete.” This statement reminds me of a YouTube video my best friend sent me years ago in which a therapist had a box full of puzzle pieces. He dumped them on the table and said, “Is this puzzle broken? No! It just isn’t put together. And you are not broken! You just don’t have all the pieces put together yet.” That statement so profoundly impacted me that I used it in some of my presentations while I was studying Substance Abuse Counseling.
No matter what happens to us in life, we must never forget that we are works in progress. The more we do the internal work on putting together all the pieces of ourselves, the clearer the picture of who we are will become …
If you’ve never been allowed to focus on yourself, then the concepts of self-love and self-worth may sound selfish and foreign. So, let’s look again at what it means. “Self-worth comes from one thing: thinking that you are worthy. So, appreciate what it feels like underneath your own skin. You are amazing just the way you are,” wrote Marc and Angel Hack in their blog.
Here I go sounding like a broken record once again, but this really is an inside job. Once you truly realize that you are in control of your life, destiny and the journey, it becomes an incredible adventure — and much more enjoyable, I might add. “It’s clear that we don’t get healthy self-esteem from other people telling us how great we are. We get healthy self-esteem from behaving in ways that we find worthy of our own respect,” Gretchen Ruben was quoted saying in a meme.
Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives and relationships. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. If you’d like to work directly with Senée, she’s accepting new clients.
We’re still talking about unconditional love today. To recognize and attract it, you have to know what it looks like for you. It has been said that knowing what you don’t want will help you become very clear on what you do want. I talked about this in The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart by talking about looking at the red flags in your relationships. If you have experienced unconditional love, focus on that. If you have the ability to imagine what it will look like for you, focus on that. If you can’t do either of these, you can look at the negative things that have happened to you and reverse them … Imagine what positive things look like for you based on the negative ones that have taken place. Above all, you must become convinced that you are worthy of unconditional love and capable of giving it to others.
For the first 14 days of November, I’m sharing excerpts from the 45-day guided gratitude journal I included in The Princess Guide to Gratitude. If you want to get a jump start on your daily gratitude practice, you can get a copy of the book or ebook through the link. Practicing gratitude during the events of 2020 has changed my life for the better, and I know it can for you too!
Day 12
Today’s affirmation: I am made from pure love and deserve unconditional love.
The highlight of my day was:
Today, I am grateful for knowing that whatever happens to me, in the end, I will be going home to my kingdom where I am unconditionally loved.
List two times in your life when you have felt unconditionally loved. If you can’t think of any, list two ways in which someone could show you unconditional love (what it would look like for you).
Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives and relationships. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. If you’d like to work directly with Senée, she’s offering deeply discounted coaching and counseling rates through the end of 2020.
