Tag: Identifying Real Love

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That isn’t love

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about love. In today’s society, we encounter many people who are either so emotionally unavailable that they only want you around when it’s convenient for them or they have nothing better to do, or they put so many conditions on love that you have to question if they’re offering you love or bondage.

“I love you, but you have to do this for me.” ” I love you, but if you don’t do this, I’ll never forgive you!” “You know I love you, but you have to act this certain way or you’re showing me that you don’t love me back!” “I love you only when you do this. Otherwise, I’m not sure I even like you!” “I love you, but you can’t say anything about my negative behavior … That shows me that I love and trust the wrong person!” The list goes on and on.

I keep going back in my mind to what it says about love in 1 Corinthians 13.

  • Love is patient.
  • Love is kind.
  • Love is not jealous.
  • Love does not brag.
  • Love is not proud.
  • Love is not rude.
  • Love is not selfish.
  • Love cannot be made angry easily.
  • Love does not remember wrongs done against it.
  • Love is never happy when others do wrong.
  • Love is always happy with the truth.
  • Love never gives up on people.
  • Love never stops trusting.
  • Love never loses hope.
  • Love never quits.
  • Love will never end.

Dr. Tim Clinton, author of Identifying Real Love, defines infatuation in contrast with real love to give us a deeper insight. “An infatuation does indeed go as unexpectedly as it comes and there is little you can do about it, but real love is unselfish, committed love. It hangs in there … Some couples are basing their marriage on real love. Others are basing theirs on infatuation which is false love. A marriage based on infatuation will not last,” he wrote.

In the last few weeks, I keep hearing in my head the line of a song my granny and I used to sing together, If That Isn’t Love (talking about Christ). However, I just keep hearing the words, “That isn’t love!” Example after example of relationships I’ve been involved in have crossed my mind, and I keep hearing those same words.

If someone says insulting things to you, that isn’t love. If someone puts you on a guilt trip and makes you feel badly, that isn’t love. If someone pressures you to give into their will and wishes, that isn’t love. If someone isn’t there for you physically and/or emotionally when they can be, that isn’t love. If someone chests on you, that obviously isn’t love. If someone tells you they’ll never forgive you for something you never did (but they thought you did), that isn’t love. If someone makes you an option when they have nothing better to do, that isn’t love. If someone makes you feel that you have no value to them, that isn’t love. I could go on and on with example after example, but you get my point.

Dr. Clinton said you can spot true love by these qualities:

  • True love offers a safe place to be you. It isn’t driven by a desire to rescue, over protect, control or manipulate … or a need to perform.
  •  True love values the other person for who they are and celebrates healthy separateness.
  • True love genuinely wants the best for the other person. It is grounded in our heart’s desire to cherish, honor and treasure another simply because of who they are.

These three things are easy to understand and remember. However, if that isn’t enough, the he gives us these clues to look for:

  • If your love is real, your interest is in the total personality of the one you love. There is the thrilling element of physical attraction, but it is only one of many things about the person that attracts you.
  • If it is real love, most of the qualities of the other person attracts you. This is important because, when the initial excitement of being married wears off, you need a lot of common interests to keep your marriage alive and well.
  • Real love always starts slowly. It cannot be any other way. You have to know a person before you can truly love that person and that takes time — lots of time — to really know someone.
  • In real love, your feelings are likely to be warm and tender instead of hot and cold, and they are more consistent. Real love grows slowly, but the roots grow deep.
  • If your love is real, the one you love will bring out your best qualities and make you want to be a better person. In real love, you plan and prepare yourself for a successful future marriage.
  • In real love, your beloved is the most important person in the world to you. However, your relationships with your family and friends continue to be important to you, and you do not neglect them.
  • In real love, absence makes your heart grow fonder of the one you love. Real love can and will survive the test of time and distance.
  • In real love, there will be disagreements, but real love will live through them. They will become less frequent and less severe. Every couple should learn how to handle conflicts. It is far better to discuss differences openly and frankly than to allow them to smolder under the surface.
  • Real love is unselfish, committed love. You want to do all you can to bring happiness to the other person. Your overall attitude is that of giving to the relationship and not that of getting what you can out of it.

“Regardless of the choices others make, you can learn the secrets of loving well,” Dr. Clinton wrote. “You can learn to recognize and receive real love when it comes your way — and push back when it doesn’t. You can learn to really love the people in your life — and know when and how to help them without hurting yourself in the process.”

I go back to the topic of loving yourself first. It is so important to practice it because, in today’s society of opportunists and online scammers, you will most likely be faced with unloving behavior. If you don’t love yourself first, it will be a lot harder to push back and stand up to this kind of behavior. Let me be very clear here: There is nothing wrong with standing up for yourself when another person is mistreating you — no matter how many times they may call you stingy or selfish. It is your duty and responsibility to stand up for and protect yourself in a graceful and royal way, of course.

Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives and relationships. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. If you’d like to work directly with Senée, she’s accepting new clients.

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How to deal with difficult people

It’s Thanksgiving 2020, and in spite of some states enacting a lockdown again, AAA is projecting that 50 million Americans will travel this holiday. I’m all for celebrating Thanksgiving with family and friends, and I highly encourage it. However, I do realize that some people experience a great deal of distress this time of year because of toxic family relationships. So, let’s talk about what you can do to keep yourself healthy and be thankful you survived this holiday season.

I want to know what love is

We all know that family relationships should be our strongest source of love, approval and support. However, that isn’t always the case for many people. I just recently watched the movie Four Christmases, and it was a prime example of what I’m describing.

Often, it’s confusing to know if you have a loving family because many times control and manipulation can be disguised in love and care. My best friend has a friend who has a saying that I’ve taken to heart, “If it don’t feel right, it ain’t right.”  You really have to love yourself first and begin trusting and paying attention to your intuition — that strange, uncomfortable, dreadful feeling you may get for no obvious reason and the small voice inside your head telling you something isn’t right. Through practicing self-love, you will become more sensitive to your own intuition and what is right for you. You’ll also be more capable of establishing healthy boundaries and enforcing them.

Senee Seale The Princess Guide

How do you know if you’re dealing with someone who truly lives you? In his book, Identifying Real Love, Dr. Tim Clinton wrote about romantic love, but this list can be used in any type of relationship. He said you can spot true love by these qualities:

  • True love offers a safe place to be you. It isn’t driven by a desire to rescue, over protect, control or manipulate … or a need to perform.
  • True love values the other person for who they are and celebrates healthy separateness.
  • True love genuinely wants the best for the other person. It is grounded in our heart’s desire to cherish, honor and treasure another simply because of who they are.
Safe vs. unsafe people

So, now that we know what real love looks like, how do we know if we’re dealing with a safe or unsafe person? Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend give a good checklist of important qualities of safe people in their book, Safe People, which includes:

  • Acceptance and grace.
  • Mutual struggles, although they do not have to be the same ones.
  • Loving confrontation.
  • Both parties need other support systems to avoid toxic dependency on each other.
  • Familiarity with the growth process.
  • Mutual interests and chemistry, a general liking [of each other].
  • An absence of “one-up and one-down” dynamics [no competition].
  • Both parties in a relationship with God [having a spiritual life of any faith].
  • Honesty and reality instead of “over spiritualizing.”
  • An absence of controlling behavior.

In their book, Drs. Cloud and Townsend also make an extensive list of personal and interpersonal traits of unsafe people:

  • Unsafe people think they “have it all together” instead of admitting their weaknesses.
  • Unsafe people are self-religious instead of humble.
  • Unsafe people only apologize instead of changing their behavior.
  • Unsafe people avoid working on their problems instead of dealing with them.
  • Unsafe people demand trust, instead of earning it.
  • Unsafe people think they are perfect instead of admitting their faults.
  • Unsafe people blame others instead of taking responsibility.
  • Unsafe people lie instead of telling the truth.
  • Unsafe people are stagnant instead of growing.
  • Unsafe people avoid closeness instead of connecting.
  • Unsafe people are only concerned with “I” instead of “we.”
  • Unsafe people resist freedom (of others) instead of encouraging it.
  • Unsafe people flatter us instead of confronting us.
  • Unsafe people condemn us instead of forgiving us.
  • Unsafe people stay in parent/child roles instead of relating as equals.
  • Unsafe people are unstable over time instead of being consistent.
  • Unsafe people are a negative influence on us rather than a positive one.
  • Unsafe people gossip instead of keeping secrets.

If you recognize several of these traits in a person, then you are definitely dealing with an unsafe person. I can tell you from experience that confronting them will not work — even enforcing your boundaries can cause them to become verbally or physically violent. So, how can you deal with someone like this? One option is ghosting, but I don’t recommend it. If you go that route, at least be a big enough person to tell them why you’re turning into Casper the (Un)friendly ghost and will never speak to them again. A letter, email, voicemail or text message will do.

It’s important to always remember that you must love yourself first and do what is best (and safe) for you, even if other people don’t like it or throw a fit. Sometimes, walking away is the most loving thing you can do for everyone involved. However, if you are able to stay, then remember this advice from Dr. Wayne Dyer, “As the storm of a quarrel subsides, you must find a way to disregard your ego’s need to be right. It’s time to extend kindness by letting go of your anger. It’s over, so offer forgiveness to yourself and the other person and encourage resentment to dissipate. Be the one seeking a way to give, rather than the one looking for something to get.”

May you find a way to experience true joy during this time of celebration — even if you have to celebrate all alone. Practicing gratitude in every situation, every day — not just on Thanksgiving Day — will go a long way in changing your thinking and energy. Being positive and focusing on love, joy and peace — first and foremost within yourself, then in all your other relationships — will enrich every aspect of your life.

Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives and relationships. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. If you’d like to work directly with Senée, she’s offering deeply discounted coaching and counseling rates through the end of 2020.