I’ve heard women often say, “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” I like to believe that everyone has good inside them, and as long as they’re breathing they can make positive changes in their lives. However, my past experiences have shown that this statement may be true — I must always use the caveat: unless the person allows God to change them and/or they are committed to doing the hard work to change themselves.
In 2012, I conducted a scientific study to measure if powerful people (men, in particular) are more likely to be unfaithful in a relationship or marriage. As part of my literature research, I found the following scientific evidence …
Is there a red flag to indicate if someone would have sex outside of marriage?
A classic Country song says, “Your cheatin’ heart will tell on you,” but does it really? Is it possible to spot a cheater before he or she commits the act and obliterates a relationship?
Whisman, Chatav, and Coop Gordon (2007) were interested in finding out if there was a red flag to indicate if someone would have sex outside of marriage. The authors evaluated whether the dependent variables of sexual infidelity over the preceding 12 months, neuroticism, self-esteem, religiosity, marital functioning, and the presence of children in the marriage would predict infidelity over and above marital dissatisfaction. They also wanted to know if there were moderation effects since previous studies have found that the more religious a person is, the less likely he or she would be unfaithful.
A large national survey was conducted of people who had been married for 12 months or longer. Participants answered a written survey which included questions such as, “How many people (either men or women) have you had sexual intercourse with in the past 12 months? “All in all, how satisfied are you with your relationship—very satisfied, somewhat satisfied, not very satisfied, or not at all satisfied?” and “Overall, would you rate your relationship as excellent, good, fair, or poor?” Researchers measured religiosity using four questions assessing (a) the importance of religious or spiritual beliefs in daily life, (b) frequency of attending religious services, (c) whether participants sought spiritual comfort during problems or difficulties, and (d) whether participants asked themselves what God would want them to do when making decisions in daily life.
- The findings showed that there are variables that predict infidelity, including relationship dissatisfaction, low self-esteem, and the suspicion that a partner is cheating. The main predictor that overshadowed all other factors was relationship dissatisfaction.
Characteristics of unfaithful people
To identify characteristics of people who are unfaithful, Fish, Pavkov, Wetchler, and Bercik (2012) looked at adult attachment style, differentiation, and infidelity. They specifically wanted to answer three questions. “Are individuals with significantly higher levels of attachment anxiety more likely to participate in infidelity at significantly higher levels than those with significantly lower levels of attachment anxiety? Are individuals with significantly higher levels of attachment avoidance more likely to participate in infidelity at significantly higher levels than those with significantly lower levels of attachment avoidance? And, are individuals with significantly lower levels of differentiation more likely to participate in infidelity in significantly higher levels than those with significantly higher levels of differentiation?” (Fish, Pavkov, Wetchler, and Bercik, 2012).
Their study was conducted online with 93 males and 260 females. Participants answered questions in a survey which included the Experiences in Close Relationships-Revised survey (a 36-item self-report that measures adult romantic attachment), the Differentiation of Self Inventory (43 items that measure a person’s ability to balance emotional and intellectual functioning and autonomy and intimacy within relationships), The Infidelity Scale (an 11-item survey that measures emotional, sexual, and composite infidelity), and The Extradyadic Involvement Measure (a condensed version developed from items on the modified Extradyadic Experiences Questionnaire).
- Attachment anxiety and avoidance showed significant relationships with infidelity.
- Also, the knowledge of a parental affair increased the chances of a person participating in infidelity.
Glass and Wright (1977) took another look at a 1977 Psychology Today sex questionnaire.
- It found the divorce rates to be higher for men who ware unfaithful,
- but cheating women who had been married longer had lower divorce rates than women in younger marriages.
- The survey also found cheating women in young marriages and cheating men in older marriages reported higher marital satisfaction than others who participated in extramarital affairs.
- Reports of marital satisfaction declined the longer a person was married, except with men who cheated.
- The survey also found the unfaithful are less romantic with their partners.
So what does all this mean and how can it help you spot a cheater before he or she cheats on you?
The truth is, people can change, however, as I write about in The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart, people often do not change because change is hard and many people give up before the change actually occurs. Can God change people instantly? Sure. I’ve seen it happen, but most of the time He gives us the grace to walk through the stages of change. Even if we receive an instantaneous change, we still have to adjust our lifestyles and behaviors to make it last. This is why looking at a person’s past behavior is so important because research shows that past behavior (along with intentions) does, in fact, predict future behavior. Here’s what I write in The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart:
Researchers from Texas A&M University and State University of New York College at Cortland did an evaluation of existing research findings on the effects of past behavior predicting future behavior. What they found was that intentions guide behavior, and when a new behavior is difficult, a person must use higher decision-making processes. In these cases, researchers concluded that past behavior—along with attitude and subjective norms—may contribute to intentions which, again, guides behavior. Simply put, when a new behavior is difficult, a person typically reverts back to their habits and past behaviors, and their intentions play a large role in this. If someone has purely selfish or self-serving intentions, then they will always revert to negative past behaviors, in my observation.
While examining a person’s past behaviors, you need to find out if your partner (or potential partner):
- Has been easily dissatisfied with relationships in the past.
- This can be evidenced by a pattern of breaking up with someone within the first 6 months or not having a long marriage.
- Has a parent who has cheated.
- Has attachment anxiety or avoidance.
- This is evidenced by being too clingy or emotionally unavailable.
- Has been romantic to their partner then stopped.
It is true that marriage satisfaction does decline over time. — Contrary to popular belief, having children does not make a person more faithful or satisfied with a relationship or marriage. As I wrote in the book …
Research studies show that adding children into the relationship only causes the stress and unhappiness to increase between a couple, and they have to work even harder at maintaining the relationship. “For around 30 years, researchers have studied how having children affects a marriage, and the results are conclusive: the relationship between spouses suffers once kids come along. Comparing couples with and without children, researchers found that the rate of the decline in relationship satisfaction is nearly twice as steep for couples who have children than for childless couples. In the event that a pregnancy is unplanned, the parents experience even greater negative impacts on their relationship,” wrote Matthew D. Johnson, professor of psychology and director of the Marriage and Family Studies Laboratory, Binghamton University, State University of New York. “Worse still, this decrease in marital satisfaction likely leads to a change in general happiness, because the biggest predictor of overall life satisfaction is one’s satisfaction with their spouse.” (Science has proven the previous statement Rev. Mike Murdoch made about how you can be married and feel alone.)
Doing life with someone comes with ups and downs, and we have to learn to grow closer to one another rather then letting the difficult times tear us apart. Doing your homework very early into the relationship can help prevent heartbreak and breakup by knowing if the person you are with is in it for the long haul. The only way to truly know that is to give it time to allow the person to show you by their actions what kind of person they truly are.
Catch these first-run Write About It Wednesday blogs every Wednesday. If you want to know more about the healing and transformation process, you can get a free PDF sample chapter of “The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart” by filling out the form in the sidebar on this page.
