Month: May 2021

Posted on by

Overcoming trust issues

In 2018, I was listening to a very successful entrepreneur taking questions from audience members at one of his talks. When he asked a woman if she had considered getting a business partner who had more experience in business than she did, her response was, “I have trust issues!” Can you relate? I admired her self-awareness and honesty.

Often, people who have been in toxic relationships find it hard to trust. Repeated times of trusting people who have proven to be less than trustworthy make it hard to believe in others or even ourselves.

There was a time in my life when I would mourn the loss of a person or opportunity for a long time while thinking that my life was over and nothing good would come to replace that perceived loss. I had trust issues.

The Urban Dictionary defines trust issues as, “When a person has trouble trusting others due to betrayal or other personal reasons … Trust issues cause a lot of issues in future events and can cause disappointment and missing out on important situations in life.”

I absolutely agree. Some people say trust is earned. Others say trust is freely given and up to the other person to lose. Either way, if you’re self-aware enough to know that you have them, it’s up to you to deal with them by doing the internal work.

Healing begins with forgiveness

Healing trust issues begins with an f-word — forgiveness. You literally have to f- it … forgive it. In order to trust anyone again, you will need to forgive — yourself and all those who have hurt or mistreated you.

“Forgiveness is a powerful friend … It simply means to drop the charges,” wrote Mark T. Barclay in his book, How to Survive a Betrayal. “To forgive is to put it in God’s hands, and not seek personal vengeance. If you don’t forgive, you will become bitter, hurting only yourself.”

Webster Illustrated Contemporary Dictionary defines forgiveness as, “the act of forgiving — to grant pardon for or remission of (something); to cease to blame or feel resentment against.” You have to stop blaming yourself for your mistakes or for trusting untrustworthy people. You have to stop blaming other people for the wrongs they have done to you. I’m not in any way suggesting that you excuse the behavior or allow it to continue. I’m simply saying that you show grace and give space for the other person to change their behavior — even if that means that you physically separate yourself from them while wishing them well and sending them good thoughts.

You’ll often hear that you have to forgive and forget. I believe forgetting is a mistake that leads to being mistreated again. However, I’ve found that over time, when you become healthier, you let go of the pain and forget much of the wrongs that have been done to you. “You must find a way to forgive. ‘Forget’ will come even harder and much slower. Even so, for your own sake, you must deal with this deep wound,” Barclay wrote.

Practice gratitude

It’s my opinion that at the core of trust issues is rejection. When a person doesn’t keep their word to us or mistreats us, that isn’t just disappointing — it becomes a form of rejection. We often think of rejection as being a negative thing, but by changing the way we look at rejection, we can change our whole outlook and trust again.

Back in 2018 when I was looking over my life, I allowed myself to feel the love and joy in particular moments in my existence and was grateful that I was honored to experience them. I also looked at the deep, deep rejection I’ve felt from people. I realized that if they had not rejected me, I would have been in a miserable position, at the very least. In some cases, it could have cost me my life.

It’s taken a lot of internal work, but I’m so grateful that I can see that the rejection I thought would kill me was actually protection from something much worse — jobs, people, situations … you name it. It becomes much easier to look at rejection through this lens.

No matter what you have encountered, just know that you were made for great things. You have seeds of greatness within you … Let them out. Also, trust yourself and that small voice inside you (your intuition) to guide you into making better choices. Like my best friend’s friend said, “If it don’t feel right, it ain’t right.” Allow people to show you who they really are through their words and behaviors. If they prove to be something you don’t want in your life, trust that feeling.

Trust yourself, then others

In her book, The Language of Letting Go, Melody Beattie said the key to trusting others is to trust yourself first. “The most important trust issue we face is learning to trust ourselves. The most detrimental thing that’s happened to us is that we came to believe we couldn’t trust ourselves,” she explained.

I know from experience and observation that relationships are one continual cycle of messing up, fessing up and forgiving. We must be willing and prepared to ask for forgiveness and grant forgiveness — to ourselves and others.

Psychology Today offered these expert tips on how to trust others again:

  • Give it time. Over a period of time, your trust can be rebuilt with repeated positive experiences … when a [person] consistently demonstrates [his or her] reliability, despite your more critical evaluation of [his or her] actions, [he or she] might earn your trust.
  • Acknowledge and evaluate. To trust a partner again, betrayal must be acknowledged. The wrongdoer must admit that he or she has inflicted a deep hurt and the victim must look at what he or she could have done to make things different.
  • Look for the good. Trust yourself to stop damning people as a whole, no matter how badly they now behave. Then, you may help them to become more trustworthy.
  • Go inside. The way back to trust is counterintuitive: The issue is whether we can trust ourselves to make wise decisions.

Beattie agrees, “Self-trust is a healing gift we can give ourselves. How do we acquire it? We learn it. What do we do about our mistakes, about those times we thought we could trust ourselves but were wrong? We accept them, and trust ourselves anyway.

“Trust ourselves, and we will know whom to trust. Trust ourselves, and we will know what to do. When we feel we absolutely cannot trust ourselves, trust that God will guide us into truth,” she explained.

I have an older attorney friend who has told me over the years, “Trust but verify.” That means giving people the opportunity to prove they are who they say they are and back up their words and promises with positive actions

Set boundaries, but stay open

I’ve been talking a lot lately about boundary setting and being open. Like I said in a video on dating, every castle has a wall around it, but make sure there is also a gate in it to allow the right person inside. We can’t punish every person for the misdoings of another. That’s like you being put in prison because someone across the country you don’t even know committed a crime. It’s wrong. So, don’t do it. It isn’t just unfair to the other person, but it’s also unfair to you — There are wonderful people out there that you deserve to experience great events with. Don’t rob yourself of that.

I spent some time writing about trust in my book The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart because it’s a big issue for many people. Since publishing that book, I’ve thought a lot about something — After your broken heart has healed, how do you know if it’s safe to let someone (new or old) into your life? How do you know if you can trust the person who broke your heart?

Now, I know a lot of people will say you can never trust someone who hurt you. You most definitely need to exhibit caution in these circumstances, but I don’t believe you should write someone off altogether. Again, I will say, give grace and space for a person to change their behavior and make things right. If they choose not to do so, that is your answer. Move on. People can change … It doesn’t happen often, but it does happen.

Your job is to set appropriate boundaries and be open to allowing the right people into your life who prove they are trustworthy through consistently backing up their words with actions. Just like I say about how loving yourself first will equip you to love others well, by practicing trusting yourself first, you will know who to trust.

Do you have a question about life that you want Senée to answer? Leave it in the comments or email it to PrincessGuide@BecomingPublishing.com.

Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. If you’d like to work directly with Senée, she’s accepting new clients.

Posted on by

Never say never when it comes to love

I recently received this comment from a post I did on Navigating the dating scene. “I have not gone on a date in over 20 years. I am over 40 but not 50. … Regardless of what happens in life with myself or outside me, never, never will I date again. NEVER!”

I get it. Like I’ve said before, dating can be really crappy most of the time. I think part of the reason is because society has changed so drastically. I also think that it’s harder when you’re very clear on who you are and what you want — accepting poor treatment and no manners becomes intolerable.

My response to this comment is the same thing I’ll say to you, I encourage you to stay open to the possibilities. Yes, dating is often crappy, but not always. (I’ve been on a few good ones in the last year.) There are beautiful experiences and people out there, and I don’t want you to miss out on that because of the negative ones.

Love by the numbers

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again — I believe that we were made to love and be loved by another person. We were created for relationships. I write all the time about different kinds of relationships, but most of us are seeking that deep, divine connection that only comes in the form of a romantic union. Why do you think that the most asked questions of therapists and spiritual practitioners are about love and money? The COVID-19 lockdowns really brought this to the forefront, in my opinion and observation. It was reported that dating app signups skyrocketed in the beginning of the lockdowns.

Pre-lockdown, Researcher Gunny Scarfo writing for Fox News in 2019 shared the findings of her research. “Unfortunately, according to a survey of 692 people across the country and dozens of interviews my research partner and I conducted last year [in 2018], many Americans feel isolated — surrounded by people in their lives but feeling that no one truly sees them … By the numbers, our findings are chilling,” she wrote.

“Nearly 45% of Americans reported dreaming of deep emotional connections with others, only to wake up with nobody in their real lives with whom to share those kinds of connections. Almost 30% report that they are unsatisfied with their ability to open up to people they enjoy being around,” she shared. Sadder still, 8% of respondents reported that they do not have a single close friend.

I encounter people all the time who have been severely hurt by others or have witnessed horrific behavior modeling by married people. These things have caused them to swear off commitment and relationships altogether. They’ve built fortified, unsalable walls with no way for a good person to enter into their lives and hearts. I can understand that.

Fear not

It appears to me that the root cause of all this resistance and wall building is quite simply fear. The fear of getting hurt can cause us to do all kinds of things to protect ourselves. There’s nothing wrong with protecting your kingdom — your body, energy and emotions. However, when you shut out all possibilities of allowing anyone to get close to you, that becomes a problem.

I’ve been accused before of having walls up. Every castle has one, and I see no problem with it — as long as there’s also a gate to allow the right people inside. This wall is expressed as boundaries. I recently wrote about how to set and enforce them, if you want to know more.

Melody Beattie seems to agree with me. In her book, The Language of Letting Go, she wrote, “Fear is at the core of codependency. It can motivate us to control situations or neglect ourselves.”

In case you’re wondering, shutting yourself off from dating for years is both controlling and neglecting yourself. I’m all for taking dating breaks especially after a disappointing breakup. However, those should only last a few months — not decades. Sometimes, you need to do the intense, internal work that requires you to shut yourself off from the rest of the world. It happens, but again, it shouldn’t last decades.

In his book, Pulling Your Own Strings, Dr. Wayne Dyer explained that banishing fear starts with taking action. “Doing, the antidote to fear and most self-debilitating behavior, is shunned by most victims who operate from weakness,” he wrote. “If you refuse to give yourself the necessary experiences, you are saying to yourself, ‘I refuse to know.’ And refusing to know will make you weak and assure your victimization by others.”

I don’t care what anyone says … Love is not reserved for only the young. When I was in graduate school studying Clinical Mental Health Counseling in the Oldest Town in Texas, there was a news report of a local book author who married her high school sweetheart at the church a block from my house. Both of them had their spouses pass away, and they found each other late in life — I think they were in their 80s. My aunt found love after my uncle died and got married for the second time when she was in her late 60s. Both couples seem very happy. Had they allowed themselves to dwell on their losses and stay in fearful, negative thinking, they would be in a state of constant depression and all alone.

Fear is the lowest, most negative energy there is. Faith, on the other hand, is a high, positive energy. Love, joy, peace and gratitude are also high, positive energies. If you’ve followed my work for the last couple of years, you know that I’m big on practicing gratitude daily and wrote a whole book showing you how to do it. Practicing gratitude — in every situation — has changed my life and my mindset. It can do the same for you.

Control your own mind

I firmly believe that you have to be in a positive mindset to attract the positive things you want to see in life. Great things can happen to you at any time. However, if you’re not in the right frame of mind, you may not be able to receive them. I’ve had something really wonderful happen to me recently. I always believed it could happen, but I was in total shock for an entire day when it actually did — even though I was positive, ready and grateful.

“If your goal is to experience more joy, you have to change your mental diet,” wrote Tommy Newberry in The 4:8 Principle. “If you are serious about making progress in this area, you must alter the exposures that trigger negativity in the first place.”

I absolutely agree with him. Sometimes, you have to take a break from broadcast media, social media, social gatherings and from negative people, in general. I know that I have to put myself in time out when certain people are draining my energy and causing me to think negatively about myself or life as a whole.

“Negative people poison your outlook, exhaust your energy and chip away at your potential for joy … become alert to who is lifting you up and who is pulling you down. This simple recognition raises your guard and reduces the spread of negative attitudes,” Newberry wrote.

T. Harv Eker reminds us in his book Secrets of the Millionaire Mind what psychology has already proven. “Thoughts lead to feelings. Feelings lead to actions. Actions lead to results … You were taught how to think and act when it comes to money [I will add: love, life and everything]. These teachings become your conditioning which becomes automatic responses that run you for the rest of your life. Unless, of course, you intercede and revise your mind’s … files.”

He’s talking about money, but this advice applies to love and every other part of life. We must control our own minds. I wrote a chapter about it in my first book and still plan to write an entire book about it. I can tell you that manifesting is real. I do it all the time and have done it my whole life. It doesn’t always happen exactly when I expect it to or how I expect it, but it does happen and sometimes exactly the way I wanted, as quickly as I wanted it. That only comes from being in a positive, receptive mindset. The opposite is also true. When you think and speak negatively, that’s exactly what you get.

A first date technique

Newberry offers an interesting technique that can be used any time you have to be around a negative person, but it could be especially useful for going out on first dates. He calls it the “Oreo Cookie Technique,” and it basically goes like this:

  • Before going out, give yourself ultra-positive exposures. He recommends exercising vigorously, talking with a positive friend, meditating, praying or reading something inspiring.
  • Go into the date with “a full tank of joy.”
  • Follow the encounter with some “extraordinarily positive inputs.” Do something that makes you feel good.

I would advise you not to dive head-first in a tub of ice cream or bottle of alcohol — a really bad date or being stood up can make this option tempting, but try to resist because the consequences could be pretty bad. No person is worth getting fat or having a hangover.

There’s a lot in life we can’t control, but the one thing we do have power over is ourselves. We can control our thinking, stop negative thoughts in their tracks and replace them with positive ones. We can also practice loving ourselves first in a healthy way so that we are more able to love someone else.

We can let go of past disappointments and fear of future failures and open ourselves up to dating again. I’m not suggesting you jump into a relationship with anyone, but I am suggesting that you be open to having new dating experiences. Make them as fun as you can for yourself. Find something to feel good about or just laugh at anything that doesn’t go according to plan. When you have a bad date, dust yourself off, and get back out there. Live in the moment and enjoy the good dates … They do happen even if you don’t end up living happily ever after with the person. The memories of those good dates will carry you through until the next one.

Do you have a question about life that you want Senée to answer? Leave it in the comments or email it to PrincessGuide@BecomingPublishing.com.

Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. If you’d like to work directly with Senée, she’s accepting new clients.