Tag: relationships

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Overcoming trust issues

In 2018, I was listening to a very successful entrepreneur taking questions from audience members at one of his talks. When he asked a woman if she had considered getting a business partner who had more experience in business than she did, her response was, “I have trust issues!” Can you relate? I admired her self-awareness and honesty.

Often, people who have been in toxic relationships find it hard to trust. Repeated times of trusting people who have proven to be less than trustworthy make it hard to believe in others or even ourselves.

There was a time in my life when I would mourn the loss of a person or opportunity for a long time while thinking that my life was over and nothing good would come to replace that perceived loss. I had trust issues.

The Urban Dictionary defines trust issues as, “When a person has trouble trusting others due to betrayal or other personal reasons … Trust issues cause a lot of issues in future events and can cause disappointment and missing out on important situations in life.”

I absolutely agree. Some people say trust is earned. Others say trust is freely given and up to the other person to lose. Either way, if you’re self-aware enough to know that you have them, it’s up to you to deal with them by doing the internal work.

Healing begins with forgiveness

Healing trust issues begins with an f-word — forgiveness. You literally have to f- it … forgive it. In order to trust anyone again, you will need to forgive — yourself and all those who have hurt or mistreated you.

“Forgiveness is a powerful friend … It simply means to drop the charges,” wrote Mark T. Barclay in his book, How to Survive a Betrayal. “To forgive is to put it in God’s hands, and not seek personal vengeance. If you don’t forgive, you will become bitter, hurting only yourself.”

Webster Illustrated Contemporary Dictionary defines forgiveness as, “the act of forgiving — to grant pardon for or remission of (something); to cease to blame or feel resentment against.” You have to stop blaming yourself for your mistakes or for trusting untrustworthy people. You have to stop blaming other people for the wrongs they have done to you. I’m not in any way suggesting that you excuse the behavior or allow it to continue. I’m simply saying that you show grace and give space for the other person to change their behavior — even if that means that you physically separate yourself from them while wishing them well and sending them good thoughts.

You’ll often hear that you have to forgive and forget. I believe forgetting is a mistake that leads to being mistreated again. However, I’ve found that over time, when you become healthier, you let go of the pain and forget much of the wrongs that have been done to you. “You must find a way to forgive. ‘Forget’ will come even harder and much slower. Even so, for your own sake, you must deal with this deep wound,” Barclay wrote.

Practice gratitude

It’s my opinion that at the core of trust issues is rejection. When a person doesn’t keep their word to us or mistreats us, that isn’t just disappointing — it becomes a form of rejection. We often think of rejection as being a negative thing, but by changing the way we look at rejection, we can change our whole outlook and trust again.

Back in 2018 when I was looking over my life, I allowed myself to feel the love and joy in particular moments in my existence and was grateful that I was honored to experience them. I also looked at the deep, deep rejection I’ve felt from people. I realized that if they had not rejected me, I would have been in a miserable position, at the very least. In some cases, it could have cost me my life.

It’s taken a lot of internal work, but I’m so grateful that I can see that the rejection I thought would kill me was actually protection from something much worse — jobs, people, situations … you name it. It becomes much easier to look at rejection through this lens.

No matter what you have encountered, just know that you were made for great things. You have seeds of greatness within you … Let them out. Also, trust yourself and that small voice inside you (your intuition) to guide you into making better choices. Like my best friend’s friend said, “If it don’t feel right, it ain’t right.” Allow people to show you who they really are through their words and behaviors. If they prove to be something you don’t want in your life, trust that feeling.

Trust yourself, then others

In her book, The Language of Letting Go, Melody Beattie said the key to trusting others is to trust yourself first. “The most important trust issue we face is learning to trust ourselves. The most detrimental thing that’s happened to us is that we came to believe we couldn’t trust ourselves,” she explained.

I know from experience and observation that relationships are one continual cycle of messing up, fessing up and forgiving. We must be willing and prepared to ask for forgiveness and grant forgiveness — to ourselves and others.

Psychology Today offered these expert tips on how to trust others again:

  • Give it time. Over a period of time, your trust can be rebuilt with repeated positive experiences … when a [person] consistently demonstrates [his or her] reliability, despite your more critical evaluation of [his or her] actions, [he or she] might earn your trust.
  • Acknowledge and evaluate. To trust a partner again, betrayal must be acknowledged. The wrongdoer must admit that he or she has inflicted a deep hurt and the victim must look at what he or she could have done to make things different.
  • Look for the good. Trust yourself to stop damning people as a whole, no matter how badly they now behave. Then, you may help them to become more trustworthy.
  • Go inside. The way back to trust is counterintuitive: The issue is whether we can trust ourselves to make wise decisions.

Beattie agrees, “Self-trust is a healing gift we can give ourselves. How do we acquire it? We learn it. What do we do about our mistakes, about those times we thought we could trust ourselves but were wrong? We accept them, and trust ourselves anyway.

“Trust ourselves, and we will know whom to trust. Trust ourselves, and we will know what to do. When we feel we absolutely cannot trust ourselves, trust that God will guide us into truth,” she explained.

I have an older attorney friend who has told me over the years, “Trust but verify.” That means giving people the opportunity to prove they are who they say they are and back up their words and promises with positive actions

Set boundaries, but stay open

I’ve been talking a lot lately about boundary setting and being open. Like I said in a video on dating, every castle has a wall around it, but make sure there is also a gate in it to allow the right person inside. We can’t punish every person for the misdoings of another. That’s like you being put in prison because someone across the country you don’t even know committed a crime. It’s wrong. So, don’t do it. It isn’t just unfair to the other person, but it’s also unfair to you — There are wonderful people out there that you deserve to experience great events with. Don’t rob yourself of that.

I spent some time writing about trust in my book The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart because it’s a big issue for many people. Since publishing that book, I’ve thought a lot about something — After your broken heart has healed, how do you know if it’s safe to let someone (new or old) into your life? How do you know if you can trust the person who broke your heart?

Now, I know a lot of people will say you can never trust someone who hurt you. You most definitely need to exhibit caution in these circumstances, but I don’t believe you should write someone off altogether. Again, I will say, give grace and space for a person to change their behavior and make things right. If they choose not to do so, that is your answer. Move on. People can change … It doesn’t happen often, but it does happen.

Your job is to set appropriate boundaries and be open to allowing the right people into your life who prove they are trustworthy through consistently backing up their words with actions. Just like I say about how loving yourself first will equip you to love others well, by practicing trusting yourself first, you will know who to trust.

Do you have a question about life that you want Senée to answer? Leave it in the comments or email it to PrincessGuide@BecomingPublishing.com.

Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. If you’d like to work directly with Senée, she’s accepting new clients.

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Loving Yourself First: All relationships count & prepare you for long-term, romantic relationships

I’ve been accused of not having long-lasting relationships. It is true that none of my romantic relationships have worked out yet — not for lack of trying on my part. However, it’s a fact that I haven’t had the opportunity to experience a long-term marriage like my grandparents and others I know who have stayed together and in love for decades. However, we must keep in mind that romantic relationships aren’t the only ones that count.

My best friend and I have been like sisters for three decades. We went to high school and college together and have seen each other through all the ups and downs of life including failed marriages, romantic relationship breakups, the death of our fathers, deaths of grandparents, the birth of her child, graduations, celebrations and everything in between. Being there for another person to love and support them when they need you is developing the skills you need to do it in a romantic relationship. More importantly, the relationship you have with yourself is the longest one you’ll have in your lifetime and the one you should be cultivating on a daily basis. Like I’m always saying in my writing — Learning to love yourself first in a healthy way will benefit all your other relationships. It’s been through this long-term relationship with my best friend that I have learned to not only give and receive unconditional love from another person, but I’ve also learned to cultivate healthy self-love and confidence.

To celebrate Love Month, I’m sharing excerpts from my book The Princess Guide to Loving Yourself First. Whether you’re in a romantic relationship with someone or alone wishing to be in one, having healthy self-love is very important.

Senee Seale The Princess Guide

Webster Illustrated Contemporary Dictionary defines love as, “A strong, tender affection, deep devotion; the affection felt by two persons who are sexually attracted to one another; a person who is the object of another’s affection; a very great interest or fondness.” “The Greeks divided love into three elements,” wrote Frank D. Cox in Human Intimacy. “Eros is the physical, sexual side of love. It is needing, desiring and wanting the other person physically … Agape is the altruistic, giving, non-demanding side of love … Agape is an unconditional, affirmation of another person. It is the desire to care, help and give to the loved one. It is unselfish love … Philos is the love found in deep and enduring friendships It is also the kind of love described in the Bible as ‘Love thy neighbor as thyself.’ It can be deep friendship for specific people, or it can be a love that is generalized to all people.”

“Love … is the chief thing in life,” wrote Dr. Wayne Dyer in Your Sacred Self. “It is the essence of the universe. It is the glue that holds everything together. It is the substance of your higher self.”

Obviously, for the purposes of this book, we will not be talking about Eros love, but we will be applying the principles of Agape and Philos love to loving ourselves first. “… the better we know our own attitudes and definitions of love, the better we will become in making long-lasting intimate relationships,” Cox wrote.

When speaking about self-love — also referred to in psychological circles as self-compassion — researchers are finding it is not only the key to positive mental health, but also the key to life. “Though the term ‘self-compassion’ may sound like self-indulgence or may feel like a weakness, it is actually the secret to resilience, strength in the face of failure, the ability to learn from mistakes and to bounce back with greater enthusiasm,” wrote Dr. Emma Seppala. “Self-compassion involves treating oneself as one would a friend, being more mindful, and understanding our situation in the context of a larger human experience. When we can be more understanding and gentler with ourselves, identify less with the emotions that surround our mistakes and understand that failure is a normal part of the larger human experience, we become stronger and more successful in the long run … the state of your life depends on the state of your mind. So be kind to yourself.”

“Studies have shown that perfectionists are at a higher risk of several illnesses — both physical and mental — and that self-compassion might free us from its grip,” wrote Ana Sandoiu for Medical News Today. “Therefore, perfectionism and self-compassion are inextricably linked.”

Kristin Neff, a researcher, author of Self-Compassion and professor of human development at the University of Texas at Austin reminds us, “Love, connection and acceptance are your birthright ….”

In his book, The 4:8 Principle, Tommy Newberry wrote, “Self-worth is not based on accomplishments but on the significance you place on your life outside of your performance — on your identity as one created and loved by God. Oddly enough, when you see yourself as worthwhile and valuable outside of any accomplishments, you are better positioned to excel.”

According to Nurturing Parenting, “Our ‘self” is a composite of all the aspects of life that give us an identity … Our self is a picture puzzle made up of thousands of pieces all fitting together to make a picture. Without all the pieces, the picture would be incomplete.” This statement reminds me of a YouTube video my best friend sent me years ago in which a therapist had a box full of puzzle pieces. He dumped them on the table and said, “Is this puzzle broken? No! It just isn’t put together. And you are not broken! You just don’t have all the pieces put together yet.” That statement so profoundly impacted me that I used it in some of my presentations while I was studying Substance Abuse Counseling.

No matter what happens to us in life, we must never forget that we are works in progress. The more we do the internal work on putting together all the pieces of ourselves, the clearer the picture of who we are will become …

If you’ve never been allowed to focus on yourself, then the concepts of self-love and self-worth may sound selfish and foreign. So, let’s look again at what it means. “Self-worth comes from one thing: thinking that you are worthy. So, appreciate what it feels like underneath your own skin. You are amazing just the way you are,” wrote Marc and Angel Hack in their blog.

Here I go sounding like a broken record once again, but this really is an inside job. Once you truly realize that you are in control of your life, destiny and the journey, it becomes an incredible adventure — and much more enjoyable, I might add. “It’s clear that we don’t get healthy self-esteem from other people telling us how great we are. We get healthy self-esteem from behaving in ways that we find worthy of our own respect,” Gretchen Ruben was quoted saying in a meme.

Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives and relationships. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. If you’d like to work directly with Senée, she’s accepting new clients.

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Choosing a running mate

The midterm elections are coming up next week, so it’s an appropriate time to revisit this post from 2016 …

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With all the talk lately about who Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump will pick to be their vice presidential running mates, it’s had me thinking about choosing a spouse.

Trump said he wanted to pick someone who was strong in areas where he was weak. I believe that should be one of the top priorities when picking a life mate, as well. Dr. Wayne Dyer often said, “You shouldn’t marry a mirror.” What he meant was, you shouldn’t marry someone who is exactly like you and who likes all the things in life that you do. Yes, it’s important to have big things in common like religious beliefs, common goals for you as a couple and as a family. However, in my opinion and observation throughout more than four decades on this planet, the true strength of a couple is only realized when trouble strikes (and it always does). When there is at least one person who is strong in that area, he or she can cover for the both of them and show the weaker one how to rise up and become stronger.

I learned while studying Social Psychology and working as a Research Assistant studying couples in relationships that opposites do not, in fact, attract. Their differences are so great that they appear to be all an outsider can see, but they actually have many things in common which bring them together and keeps them together.

So, how do you know if you’re choosing a good “running mate?”

In their book Safe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren’t, Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend recommend looking for these traits in your relationships:

  • Are they living up to their commitments to me?
  • Are they here for me only when I’m here? (Do they disappear? Do you know how and where they are spending their time when they’re not physically with you?)
  • Do they tell me “no” when they don’t have time? (Do they make time for you even when their time is limited, or do they tell you to “just get in line behind everyone else in my life?”)
  • Do they make promises they can’t (or won’t) keep?
  • Am I the last in a string of broken relationships?
  • Do others warn me about their patterns of relating? (Have you been warned that they promise to marry someone then run off with her sister or his best friend? Have you been told he or she runs from their responsibility in relationships, be them unexpected children or financial?)

It takes time to find out most of these things about a person. That is why I like the advice of being with someone for four seasons or about nine months to a year. I will further refine that by saying, you should DATE someone for four seasons, not be engaged for four seasons (nor living together). Once you enter the engagement phase, it can feel harder to get out of the relationship after you’ve announced the wedding date, paid deposits and promised to marry someone. It is also harder to process and accept negative information about someone after you have already fallen in love with them — even if their family member tells you they have a pattern of being a “runaway bride or groom,” it can be harder to accept the information then make an informed decision of what is best for YOU in the situation. This is where having close family and friends to vet your perspective “running mates” is crucial.

Every single person up for serious consideration of the job for vice presidential candidates must fill out a long, involved background form, go through a background check, have their friends, family and coworkers interviewed and interview with multiple people. If this process is this important for a four-year job, why shouldn’t it apply to a lifetime position?

I was telling a girlfriend going through a serious breakup the other day that I really understand why it was so important for a man to get a girl’s parents permission to date and marry her — having people outside the relationship with her best interests at heart is critical to making an informed decision.

Consider getting some of your closest friends and family on your advisory team to start vetting the next people who come into your life.

You can find these Flashback Friday blogs posted every Friday. If you want to know more how to have successful relationships and peace of mind, you can get a free PDF sample chapter of “The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart” by filling out the form in the sidebar on this page.

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St. Patrick’s Day isn’t about drinking green beer

When I was growing up, I didn’t know anything about St. Patrick’s Day, despite having Irish roots. I grew up in a Protestant Christian home, and we didn’t celebrate or acknowledge any of the Catholic traditions. In fact, I didn’t even know what lent or St. Patrick’s Day were until I went away to college.

My only impression of the day was that it was like Cinco de Mayo — a day people picked to drink alcohol and call it a holiday. I participated in the parades and wearing green because it was fun, but it wasn’t until a couple of years ago that I did the research to find out what the real meaning of the day was all about … And I have to tell you that I have become a fan of Saint Patrick.

St. Pattick's Day isn't about drinking green beer

The story goes, according to Christianity Today, that he was kidnapped as a teenager and sold into slavery by Irish pirates. He escaped, but then had the courage to return to Ireland as a missionary. He is credited for bringing Christianity to the country and for using the shamrock to describe the Holy Trinity.

What is more, let anyone laugh and taunt if he so wishes. I am not keeping silent, nor am I hiding the signs and wonders that were shown to me by the Lord many years before they happened, [he] who knew everything, even before the beginning of time. -Saint Patrick

Anyone with a human brain is intelligent enough to see the negative affects alcohol has on the brain, body and life. I shunned the holiday because I thought it was all about drinking alcohol. Now, however, I’m proud of my Irish heritage. My maternal grandfather who raised me, Floyd Jones, always said his father was half Irish and half Native American with a full red beard.

While we’re on the topic of drinking alcohol, I recently heard the story of someone who had been secretly drinking daily and is now in dire health. If you find even a slight similarity of your life in this story, please, please don’t wait until you’re on your death bed before you get help to quit using alcohol or drugs of any form. You are too precious, and you have great gifts to share and things to do in the world! Please find a treatment center or a 12-step program to help you before it’s too late! It’s always a good day to make positive changes!

Rick Wiles of TruNews once said he loves the story of Saint Patrick, and I have to agree. I admire his courage to go back to the place where he was held captive and treated brutally and preach the Gospel of Jesus Christ to people who did not believe. Thinking about our modern life, can you say that you would be willing to go back into a relationship where you had your heart broken and were treated badly – dare I say, brutally – and not only go back into that environment, but to speak the truth in love? He did it, and we need to look to his example to do the same in our daily lives.

Catch these first-run Write About It Wednesday blogs every Wednesday. If you want to know how to have successful relationships and peace of mind, you can get a free PDF sample chapter of “The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart” by filling out the form in the sidebar on this page.

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How to show your love for someone

As I wrote about last week, I haven’t really been in the mood for Valentine’s Day this year, but I’m always thinking (and writing) about love and relationships.

We show our love to people by the words we speak and gifts we give. These things are very important and shouldn’t be neglected or avoided — when we refuse to give people gifts they like or affirm them by our words, we tell them by our actions that they don’t matter to us.

Just as important are the things we DO. Our actions are what will be remembered most.

My best friend’s dad passed away unexpectedly recently. When I told her I would do anything she needed, I meant it. When she asked if I would read his favorite poem at his funeral, I immediately said yes, even though I have vision issues and haven’t read anything out loud to another person (much less a chapel full of people) in years.

I would have felt more comfortable singing or speaking than reading, but that’s what I was asked to do. Where there’s a will, there’s always a way! The family was pleased and said it made them cry. I just wanted to show my love by honoring them and not embarrassing them.

How do we know the difference between real love and the fake stuff? Real love is selfless and unconditional … It doesn’t look for something in return.

My grandpa was really great at modeling real love daily. I was riding my bike one day when I was about 12. I was standing up on the peddles, and my back wheel hit a pothole. The seat hit me in the behind, and I was instantly in pain and bruised. (I later found out I had broken my tail bone.) The next thing I knew, my Pa-Paw was down the street in 105 degrees filling up that pothole. He said he didn’t want me to be hurt again–Now, that’s real love!

“Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents. Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn’t love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that.” -Ephesians 5:1-2 MSG

How can you step out of your comfort zone this week to show your love to someone?

Catch these first-run Write About It Wednesday blogs every Wednesday. If you want to know more about the healing and transformation process, you can get a free PDF sample chapter of “The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart” by filling out the form in the sidebar on this page.

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The Princess Guide Senee Seale
The Princess Guide
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PrincessGuide@BecomingPublishing.com