Tag:  dating

With all the talk lately about who Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump will pick to be their vice presidential running mates, it’s had me thinking about choosing a spouse.

Trump said he wanted to pick someone who was strong in areas where he was weak. I believe that should be one of the top priorities when picking a life mate, as well. Dr. Wayne Dyer often said, “You shouldn’t marry a mirror.” What he meant was, you shouldn’t marry someone who is exactly like you and who likes all the things in life that you do. Yes, it’s important to have big things in common like religious beliefs, common goals for you as a couple and as a family. However, in my opinion and observation throughout more than four decades on this planet, the true strength of a couple is only realized when trouble strikes (and it always does). When there is at least one person who is strong in that area, he or she can cover for the both of them and show the weaker one how to rise up and become stronger.

I learned while studying Social Psychology and working as a Research Assistant studying couples in relationships that opposites do not, in fact, attract. Their differences are so great that they appear to be all an outsider can see, but they actually have many things in common which bring them together and keeps them together.

So, how do you know if you’re choosing a good “running mate?”

In their book Safe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren’t, Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend recommend looking for these traits in your relationships:

• Are they living up to their commitments to me?
• Are they here for me only when I’m here? (Do they disappear? Do you know how and where they are spending their time when they’re not physically with you?)
• Do they tell me “no” when they don’t have time? (Do they make time for you even when their time is limited, or do they tell you to “just get in line behind everyone else in my life?”)
• Do they make promises they can’t (or won’t) keep?
• Am I the last in a string of broken relationships?
• Do others warn me about their patterns of relating? (Have you been warned that they promise to marry someone then run off with her sister or his best friend? Have you been told he or she runs from their responsibility in relationships, be them unexpected children or financial?)

It takes time to find out most of these things about a person. That is why I like the advice of being with someone for four seasons or about nine months to a year. I will further refine that by saying, you should DATE someone for four seasons, not be engaged for four seasons (nor living together). Once you enter the engagement phase, it can feel harder to get out of the relationship after you’ve announced the wedding date, paid deposits and promised to marry someone. It is also harder to process and accept negative information about someone after you have already fallen in love with them — even if their family member tells you they have a pattern of being a “runaway bride or groom,” it can be harder to accept the information then make an informed decision of what is best for YOU in the situation. This is where having close family and friends to vet your perspective “running mates” is crucial.

Every single person up for serious consideration of the job for vice presidential candidates must fill out a long, involved background form, go through a background check, have their friends, family and coworkers interviewed and interview with multiple people. If this process is this important for a four-year job, why shouldn’t it apply to a lifetime position?

I was telling a girlfriend going through a serious breakup the other day that I really understand why it was so important for a man to get a girl’s parents permission to date and marry her — having people outside the relationship with her best interests at heart is critical to making an informed decision.

Consider getting some of your closest friends and family on your advisory team to start vetting the next people who come into your life.

You can find these Flashback Friday blogs posted every Friday. If you want to know more how to have successful relationships and peace of mind, you can get a free PDF sample chapter of “The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart” by filling out the form in the sidebar on this page.