I’ve been accused of not having long-lasting relationships. It is true that none of my romantic relationships have worked out yet — not for lack of trying on my part. However, it’s a fact that I haven’t had the opportunity to experience a long-term marriage like my grandparents and others I know who have stayed together and in love for decades. However, we must keep in mind that romantic relationships aren’t the only ones that count.
My best friend and I have been like sisters for three decades. We went to high school and college together and have seen each other through all the ups and downs of life including failed marriages, romantic relationship breakups, the death of our fathers, deaths of grandparents, the birth of her child, graduations, celebrations and everything in between. Being there for another person to love and support them when they need you is developing the skills you need to do it in a romantic relationship. More importantly, the relationship you have with yourself is the longest one you’ll have in your lifetime and the one you should be cultivating on a daily basis. Like I’m always saying in my writing — Learning to love yourself first in a healthy way will benefit all your other relationships. It’s been through this long-term relationship with my best friend that I have learned to not only give and receive unconditional love from another person, but I’ve also learned to cultivate healthy self-love and confidence.
To celebrate Love Month, I’m sharing excerpts from my book The Princess Guide to Loving Yourself First. Whether you’re in a romantic relationship with someone or alone wishing to be in one, having healthy self-love is very important.
Webster Illustrated Contemporary Dictionary defines love as, “A strong, tender affection, deep devotion; the affection felt by two persons who are sexually attracted to one another; a person who is the object of another’s affection; a very great interest or fondness.” “The Greeks divided love into three elements,” wrote Frank D. Cox in Human Intimacy. “Eros is the physical, sexual side of love. It is needing, desiring and wanting the other person physically … Agape is the altruistic, giving, non-demanding side of love … Agape is an unconditional, affirmation of another person. It is the desire to care, help and give to the loved one. It is unselfish love … Philos is the love found in deep and enduring friendships It is also the kind of love described in the Bible as ‘Love thy neighbor as thyself.’ It can be deep friendship for specific people, or it can be a love that is generalized to all people.”
“Love … is the chief thing in life,” wrote Dr. Wayne Dyer in Your Sacred Self. “It is the essence of the universe. It is the glue that holds everything together. It is the substance of your higher self.”
Obviously, for the purposes of this book, we will not be talking about Eros love, but we will be applying the principles of Agape and Philos love to loving ourselves first. “… the better we know our own attitudes and definitions of love, the better we will become in making long-lasting intimate relationships,” Cox wrote.
When speaking about self-love — also referred to in psychological circles as self-compassion — researchers are finding it is not only the key to positive mental health, but also the key to life. “Though the term ‘self-compassion’ may sound like self-indulgence or may feel like a weakness, it is actually the secret to resilience, strength in the face of failure, the ability to learn from mistakes and to bounce back with greater enthusiasm,” wrote Dr. Emma Seppala. “Self-compassion involves treating oneself as one would a friend, being more mindful, and understanding our situation in the context of a larger human experience. When we can be more understanding and gentler with ourselves, identify less with the emotions that surround our mistakes and understand that failure is a normal part of the larger human experience, we become stronger and more successful in the long run … the state of your life depends on the state of your mind. So be kind to yourself.”
“Studies have shown that perfectionists are at a higher risk of several illnesses — both physical and mental — and that self-compassion might free us from its grip,” wrote Ana Sandoiu for Medical News Today. “Therefore, perfectionism and self-compassion are inextricably linked.”
Kristin Neff, a researcher, author of Self-Compassion and professor of human development at the University of Texas at Austin reminds us, “Love, connection and acceptance are your birthright ….”
In his book, The 4:8 Principle, Tommy Newberry wrote, “Self-worth is not based on accomplishments but on the significance you place on your life outside of your performance — on your identity as one created and loved by God. Oddly enough, when you see yourself as worthwhile and valuable outside of any accomplishments, you are better positioned to excel.”
According to Nurturing Parenting, “Our ‘self” is a composite of all the aspects of life that give us an identity … Our self is a picture puzzle made up of thousands of pieces all fitting together to make a picture. Without all the pieces, the picture would be incomplete.” This statement reminds me of a YouTube video my best friend sent me years ago in which a therapist had a box full of puzzle pieces. He dumped them on the table and said, “Is this puzzle broken? No! It just isn’t put together. And you are not broken! You just don’t have all the pieces put together yet.” That statement so profoundly impacted me that I used it in some of my presentations while I was studying Substance Abuse Counseling.
No matter what happens to us in life, we must never forget that we are works in progress. The more we do the internal work on putting together all the pieces of ourselves, the clearer the picture of who we are will become …
If you’ve never been allowed to focus on yourself, then the concepts of self-love and self-worth may sound selfish and foreign. So, let’s look again at what it means. “Self-worth comes from one thing: thinking that you are worthy. So, appreciate what it feels like underneath your own skin. You are amazing just the way you are,” wrote Marc and Angel Hack in their blog.
Here I go sounding like a broken record once again, but this really is an inside job. Once you truly realize that you are in control of your life, destiny and the journey, it becomes an incredible adventure — and much more enjoyable, I might add. “It’s clear that we don’t get healthy self-esteem from other people telling us how great we are. We get healthy self-esteem from behaving in ways that we find worthy of our own respect,” Gretchen Ruben was quoted saying in a meme.
Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives and relationships. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. If you’d like to work directly with Senée, she’s accepting new clients.
