On this Self Love Sunday episode, we’re talking all about what self-love is and what it is not. Watch to the end because I have a special exercise for you to do! I want to know what you’re learning about self-love and how you are implementing these things into your life. So, leave a comment here!
Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. If you’d like to schedule a personal session with Senée, she’s accepting new clients.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about love. In today’s society, we encounter many people who are either so emotionally unavailable that they only want you around when it’s convenient for them or they have nothing better to do, or they put so many conditions on love that you have to question if they’re offering you love or bondage.
“I love you, but you have to do this for me.” ” I love you, but if you don’t do this, I’ll never forgive you!” “You know I love you, but you have to act this certain way or you’re showing me that you don’t love me back!” “I love you only when you do this. Otherwise, I’m not sure I even like you!” “I love you, but you can’t say anything about my negative behavior … That shows me that I love and trust the wrong person!” The list goes on and on.
I keep going back in my mind to what it says about love in 1 Corinthians 13.
Love is patient.
Love is kind.
Love is not jealous.
Love does not brag.
Love is not proud.
Love is not rude.
Love is not selfish.
Love cannot be made angry easily.
Love does not remember wrongs done against it.
Love is never happy when others do wrong.
Love is always happy with the truth.
Love never gives up on people.
Love never stops trusting.
Love never loses hope.
Love never quits.
Love will never end.
Dr. Tim Clinton, author of Identifying Real Love, defines infatuation in contrast with real love to give us a deeper insight. “An infatuation does indeed go as unexpectedly as it comes and there is little you can do about it, but real love is unselfish, committed love. It hangs in there … Some couples are basing their marriage on real love. Others are basing theirs on infatuation which is false love. A marriage based on infatuation will not last,” he wrote.
In the last few weeks, I keep hearing in my head the line of a song my granny and I used to sing together, If That Isn’t Love (talking about Christ). However, I just keep hearing the words, “That isn’t love!” Example after example of relationships I’ve been involved in have crossed my mind, and I keep hearing those same words.
If someone says insulting things to you, that isn’t love. If someone puts you on a guilt trip and makes you feel badly, that isn’t love. If someone pressures you to give into their will and wishes, that isn’t love. If someone isn’t there for you physically and/or emotionally when they can be, that isn’t love. If someone chests on you, that obviously isn’t love. If someone tells you they’ll never forgive you for something you never did (but they thought you did), that isn’t love. If someone makes you an option when they have nothing better to do, that isn’t love. If someone makes you feel that you have no value to them, that isn’t love. I could go on and on with example after example, but you get my point.
Dr. Clinton said you can spot true love by these qualities:
True love offers a safe place to be you. It isn’t driven by a desire to rescue, over protect, control or manipulate … or a need to perform.
True love values the other person for who they are and celebrates healthy separateness.
True love genuinely wants the best for the other person. It is grounded in our heart’s desire to cherish, honor and treasure another simply because of who they are.
These three things are easy to understand and remember. However, if that isn’t enough, the he gives us these clues to look for:
If your love is real, your interest is in the total personality of the one you love. There is the thrilling element of physical attraction, but it is only one of many things about the person that attracts you.
If it is real love, most of the qualities of the other person attracts you. This is important because, when the initial excitement of being married wears off, you need a lot of common interests to keep your marriage alive and well.
Real love always starts slowly. It cannot be any other way. You have to know a person before you can truly love that person and that takes time — lots of time — to really know someone.
In real love, your feelings are likely to be warm and tender instead of hot and cold, and they are more consistent. Real love grows slowly, but the roots grow deep.
If your love is real, the one you love will bring out your best qualities and make you want to be a better person. In real love, you plan and prepare yourself for a successful future marriage.
In real love, your beloved is the most important person in the world to you. However, your relationships with your family and friends continue to be important to you, and you do not neglect them.
In real love, absence makes your heart grow fonder of the one you love. Real love can and will survive the test of time and distance.
In real love, there will be disagreements, but real love will live through them. They will become less frequent and less severe. Every couple should learn how to handle conflicts. It is far better to discuss differences openly and frankly than to allow them to smolder under the surface.
Real love is unselfish, committed love. You want to do all you can to bring happiness to the other person. Your overall attitude is that of giving to the relationship and not that of getting what you can out of it.
“Regardless of the choices others make, you can learn the secrets of loving well,” Dr. Clinton wrote. “You can learn to recognize and receive real love when it comes your way — and push back when it doesn’t. You can learn to really love the people in your life — and know when and how to help them without hurting yourself in the process.”
I go back to the topic of loving yourself first. It is so important to practice it because, in today’s society of opportunists and online scammers, you will most likely be faced with unloving behavior. If you don’t love yourself first, it will be a lot harder to push back and stand up to this kind of behavior. Let me be very clear here: There is nothing wrong with standing up for yourself when another person is mistreating you — no matter how many times they may call you stingy or selfish. It is your duty and responsibility to stand up for and protect yourself in a graceful and royal way, of course.
Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives and relationships. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. If you’d like to work directly with Senée, she’s accepting new clients.
I’ve been accused of not having long-lasting relationships. It is true that none of my romantic relationships have worked out yet — not for lack of trying on my part. However, it’s a fact that I haven’t had the opportunity to experience a long-term marriage like my grandparents and others I know who have stayed together and in love for decades. However, we must keep in mind that romantic relationships aren’t the only ones that count.
My best friend and I have been like sisters for three decades. We went to high school and college together and have seen each other through all the ups and downs of life including failed marriages, romantic relationship breakups, the death of our fathers, deaths of grandparents, the birth of her child, graduations, celebrations and everything in between. Being there for another person to love and support them when they need you is developing the skills you need to do it in a romantic relationship. More importantly, the relationship you have with yourself is the longest one you’ll have in your lifetime and the one you should be cultivating on a daily basis. Like I’m always saying in my writing — Learning to love yourself first in a healthy way will benefit all your other relationships. It’s been through this long-term relationship with my best friend that I have learned to not only give and receive unconditional love from another person, but I’ve also learned to cultivate healthy self-love and confidence.
Webster Illustrated Contemporary Dictionary defines love as, “A strong, tender affection, deep devotion; the affection felt by two persons who are sexually attracted to one another; a person who is the object of another’s affection; a very great interest or fondness.” “The Greeks divided love into three elements,” wrote Frank D. Cox in Human Intimacy. “Eros is the physical, sexual side of love. It is needing, desiring and wanting the other person physically … Agape is the altruistic, giving, non-demanding side of love … Agape is an unconditional, affirmation of another person. It is the desire to care, help and give to the loved one. It is unselfish love … Philos is the love found in deep and enduring friendships It is also the kind of love described in the Bible as ‘Love thy neighbor as thyself.’ It can be deep friendship for specific people, or it can be a love that is generalized to all people.”
“Love … is the chief thing in life,” wrote Dr. Wayne Dyer in Your Sacred Self. “It is the essence of the universe. It is the glue that holds everything together. It is the substance of your higher self.”
Obviously, for the purposes of this book, we will not be talking about Eros love, but we will be applying the principles of Agape and Philos love to loving ourselves first. “… the better we know our own attitudes and definitions of love, the better we will become in making long-lasting intimate relationships,” Cox wrote.
When speaking about self-love — also referred to in psychological circles as self-compassion — researchers are finding it is not only the key to positive mental health, but also the key to life. “Though the term ‘self-compassion’ may sound like self-indulgence or may feel like a weakness, it is actually the secret to resilience, strength in the face of failure, the ability to learn from mistakes and to bounce back with greater enthusiasm,” wrote Dr. Emma Seppala. “Self-compassion involves treating oneself as one would a friend, being more mindful, and understanding our situation in the context of a larger human experience. When we can be more understanding and gentler with ourselves, identify less with the emotions that surround our mistakes and understand that failure is a normal part of the larger human experience, we become stronger and more successful in the long run … the state of your life depends on the state of your mind. So be kind to yourself.”
“Studies have shown that perfectionists are at a higher risk of several illnesses — both physical and mental — and that self-compassion might free us from its grip,” wrote Ana Sandoiu for Medical News Today. “Therefore, perfectionism and self-compassion are inextricably linked.”
Kristin Neff, a researcher, author of Self-Compassion and professor of human development at the University of Texas at Austin reminds us, “Love, connection and acceptance are your birthright ….”
In his book, The 4:8 Principle, Tommy Newberry wrote, “Self-worth is not based on accomplishments but on the significance you place on your life outside of your performance — on your identity as one created and loved by God. Oddly enough, when you see yourself as worthwhile and valuable outside of any accomplishments, you are better positioned to excel.”
According to Nurturing Parenting, “Our ‘self” is a composite of all the aspects of life that give us an identity … Our self is a picture puzzle made up of thousands of pieces all fitting together to make a picture. Without all the pieces, the picture would be incomplete.” This statement reminds me of a YouTube video my best friend sent me years ago in which a therapist had a box full of puzzle pieces. He dumped them on the table and said, “Is this puzzle broken? No! It just isn’t put together. And you are not broken! You just don’t have all the pieces put together yet.” That statement so profoundly impacted me that I used it in some of my presentations while I was studying Substance Abuse Counseling.
No matter what happens to us in life, we must never forget that we are works in progress. The more we do the internal work on putting together all the pieces of ourselves, the clearer the picture of who we are will become …
If you’ve never been allowed to focus on yourself, then the concepts of self-love and self-worth may sound selfish and foreign. So, let’s look again at what it means. “Self-worth comes from one thing: thinking that you are worthy. So, appreciate what it feels like underneath your own skin. You are amazing just the way you are,” wrote Marc and Angel Hack in their blog.
Here I go sounding like a broken record once again, but this really is an inside job. Once you truly realize that you are in control of your life, destiny and the journey, it becomes an incredible adventure — and much more enjoyable, I might add. “It’s clear that we don’t get healthy self-esteem from other people telling us how great we are. We get healthy self-esteem from behaving in ways that we find worthy of our own respect,” Gretchen Ruben was quoted saying in a meme.
Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives and relationships. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. If you’d like to work directly with Senée, she’s accepting new clients.
To celebrate Love Month, I’m sharing excerpts from my book The Princess Guide to Loving Yourself First. Whether you’re in a romantic relationship with someone or alone wishing to be in one, having healthy self-love is very important.
In 2018, during my birthday week, I was thinking a lot about love — not the kind of external love we automatically think about (although that was on my mind, too). I was thinking about the internal love no one can take away from you. In our modern-day culture, we tend to think that the only love that counts is the external love from another person, typically found in a romantic relationship. There’s an old song with the lyrics, “You’re nobody until somebody loves you.” I must disagree with this statement. We come from pure love. We are loved greatly by the creator of all. We have spiritual beings who love and protect us, even though we may never see or encounter them in this realm of existence.
I spent an entire chapter of The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart talking about loving yourself, but it wasn’t until late 2018 that I started to realize what that really looked like. The last line of John Mayer’s song New Light poses the question, “What do I do with all this love flowing through my veins for you?” I dare say, once again, that you give all that love back to yourself until you have someone in your life to give that love to who will love you back. That last part is very important because if you aren’t receiving love back from a person, you’re in an unbalanced and unhealthy relationship.
During that time, I was listening daily to The Sundays song Love. The lyrics are profound and really redirected my thinking about self-love. “So, killing me with love, love, love. Just love yourself like no one else. Love, it’s enough. So, they can say what they like, but they still can’t take; Your love, your love, your love. Just love yourself like nobody else. Time’s so scarce where I come from; Let them say what they like, but they still can’t take your love.”
When we finally realize who we are — that we are love and are deeply loved — no one can take that away from us. Will there be times when we feel lonely and unloved? Of course. I can’t tell you how many birthdays and holidays I’ve spent totally alone. I’ve learned a very valuable lesson, though — When I’m alone on special days, I can spend them doing anything I want to do. I don’t have anyone telling me I’m not worthy of celebrating my existence or accomplishments or that I want too much. I can spend as much or as little money on myself and feel very good about it because I don’t have anyone dictating to me my worth.
So, how do you show love to yourself? You start by talking to yourself in the mirror and telling yourself you’re beautiful, handsome, talented, honorable, worthy, kind, and lovable.
I’ve never had a problem looking at myself naked in the mirror — even when I weighed my largest — but It’s taken me decades to finally look in that mirror and see a divine, pretty princess who is beautiful on the inside and outside. I actually see her now, and I’m so grateful that I got to spend this existence in a beautiful, healthy body. Am I perfect? I’m still breathing, so the answer is no. However, I’m learning to appreciate all that I am and all that I have while not dwelling on all those who have walked away from me or those who terrorized me while they were in my life. I see the good in the now, and the present moment really is the gift.
I used to think that the only way a gift mattered was if it was given by someone I loved. I now realize that giving gifts to myself in love is just as important, and it comes with no strings or expectations attached. If you long for someone to give you your favorite flowers, go buy some for yourself or plant them in a pot so that you can have them near you most of the year. If you dream of dancing with someone, enroll in dancing classes at a local studio, and let them pair you up with someone while you’re waiting on the right person to show up in your life. If you love sports and want a partner to watch games with you, join a Meetup group for sports fans, attend college alumni watching parties or go to a local sports bar and make friends. If you love live music, go see a show by yourself — I haven’t done it very often, but I have seriously had some of my best times when I ended up going out all by myself. Don’t sit around waiting and wishing for things to change … Do things now that make you happy and show positive love for yourself.
I got a little under the weather in 2018, and I was really wishing my Granny was still alive so that I could curl up in her lap and let her rock me in her rocking chair. I found myself sitting in my own rocking chair. I wrapped my arms around myself, began rocking and I said what I would tell any sick little child I was rocking, “I know you feel really bad right now, but you’re going to be alright. Your body is magnificent and will repair and heal itself. You just need to close your eyes, fall asleep and let your body do its work.” That’s exactly what I needed in that moment, and it was fascinating and wonderful that I was able to give myself what I was longing to receive from someone externally.
In case you’re wondering if what I’m explaining is being “full of yourself” or Narcissistic, the answer is no. I defined these terms in Chapter 1. I was talking about this subject with a therapist friend of mine, and she seemed to agree with my distinction between healthy self-love and someone who is ego-driven or who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I believe that people who act in these ways exude negative energy, while people with positive self-love genuinely love themselves and radiate that positive love to everyone around them. When you learn to treat yourself with true love and respect, you won’t allow others to mistreat you. That’s a promise from a princess.
Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives and relationships. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. If you’d like to work directly with Senée, she’s accepting new clients.
It’s Thanksgiving 2020, and in spite of some states enacting a lockdown again, AAA is projecting that 50 million Americans will travel this holiday. I’m all for celebrating Thanksgiving with family and friends, and I highly encourage it. However, I do realize that some people experience a great deal of distress this time of year because of toxic family relationships. So, let’s talk about what you can do to keep yourself healthy and be thankful you survived this holiday season.
I want to know what love is
We all know that family relationships should be our strongest source of love, approval and support. However, that isn’t always the case for many people. I just recently watched the movie Four Christmases, and it was a prime example of what I’m describing.
Often, it’s confusing to know if you have a loving family because many times control and manipulation can be disguised in love and care. My best friend has a friend who has a saying that I’ve taken to heart, “If it don’t feel right, it ain’t right.” You really have to love yourself first and begin trusting and paying attention to your intuition — that strange, uncomfortable, dreadful feeling you may get for no obvious reason and the small voice inside your head telling you something isn’t right. Through practicing self-love, you will become more sensitive to your own intuition and what is right for you. You’ll also be more capable of establishing healthy boundaries and enforcing them.
How do you know if you’re dealing with someone who truly lives you? In his book, Identifying Real Love, Dr. Tim Clinton wrote about romantic love, but this list can be used in any type of relationship. He said you can spot true love by these qualities:
True love offers a safe place to be you. It isn’t driven by a desire to rescue, over protect, control or manipulate … or a need to perform.
True love values the other person for who they are and celebrates healthy separateness.
True love genuinely wants the best for the other person. It is grounded in our heart’s desire to cherish, honor and treasure another simply because of who they are.
Safe vs. unsafe people
So, now that we know what real love looks like, how do we know if we’re dealing with a safe or unsafe person? Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend give a good checklist of important qualities of safe people in their book, SafePeople, which includes:
Acceptance and grace.
Mutual struggles, although they do not have to be the same ones.
Loving confrontation.
Both parties need other support systems to avoid toxic dependency on each other.
Familiarity with the growth process.
Mutual interests and chemistry, a general liking [of each other].
An absence of “one-up and one-down” dynamics [no competition].
Both parties in a relationship with God [having a spiritual life of any faith].
Honesty and reality instead of “over spiritualizing.”
An absence of controlling behavior.
In their book, Drs. Cloud and Townsend also make an extensive list of personal and interpersonal traits of unsafe people:
Unsafe people think they “have it all together” instead of admitting their weaknesses.
Unsafe people are self-religious instead of humble.
Unsafe people only apologize instead of changing their behavior.
Unsafe people avoid working on their problems instead of dealing with them.
Unsafe people demand trust, instead of earning it.
Unsafe people think they are perfect instead of admitting their faults.
Unsafe people blame others instead of taking responsibility.
Unsafe people lie instead of telling the truth.
Unsafe people are stagnant instead of growing.
Unsafe people avoid closeness instead of connecting.
Unsafe people are only concerned with “I” instead of “we.”
Unsafe people resist freedom (of others) instead of encouraging it.
Unsafe people flatter us instead of confronting us.
Unsafe people condemn us instead of forgiving us.
Unsafe people stay in parent/child roles instead of relating as equals.
Unsafe people are unstable over time instead of being consistent.
Unsafe people are a negative influence on us rather than a positive one.
Unsafe people gossip instead of keeping secrets.
If you recognize several of these traits in a person, then you are definitely dealing with an unsafe person. I can tell you from experience that confronting them will not work — even enforcing your boundaries can cause them to become verbally or physically violent. So, how can you deal with someone like this? One option is ghosting, but I don’t recommend it. If you go that route, at least be a big enough person to tell them why you’re turning into Casper the (Un)friendly ghost and will never speak to them again. A letter, email, voicemail or text message will do.
It’s important to always remember that you must love yourself first and do what is best (and safe) for you, even if other people don’t like it or throw a fit. Sometimes, walking away is the most loving thing you can do for everyone involved. However, if you are able to stay, then remember this advice from Dr. Wayne Dyer, “As the storm of a quarrel subsides, you must find a way to disregard your ego’s need to be right. It’s time to extend kindness by letting go of your anger. It’s over, so offer forgiveness to yourself and the other person and encourage resentment to dissipate. Be the one seeking a way to give, rather than the one looking for something to get.”
May you find a way to experience true joy during this time of celebration — even if you have to celebrate all alone. Practicing gratitude in every situation, every day — not just on Thanksgiving Day — will go a long way in changing your thinking and energy. Being positive and focusing on love, joy and peace — first and foremost within yourself, then in all your other relationships — will enrich every aspect of your life.
Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives and relationships. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. If you’d like to work directly with Senée, she’s offering deeply discounted coaching and counseling rates through the end of 2020.
