It’s Thanksgiving 2020, and in spite of some states enacting a lockdown again, AAA is projecting that 50 million Americans will travel this holiday. I’m all for celebrating Thanksgiving with family and friends, and I highly encourage it. However, I do realize that some people experience a great deal of distress this time of year because of toxic family relationships. So, let’s talk about what you can do to keep yourself healthy and be thankful you survived this holiday season.
I want to know what love is
We all know that family relationships should be our strongest source of love, approval and support. However, that isn’t always the case for many people. I just recently watched the movie Four Christmases, and it was a prime example of what I’m describing.
Often, it’s confusing to know if you have a loving family because many times control and manipulation can be disguised in love and care. My best friend has a friend who has a saying that I’ve taken to heart, “If it don’t feel right, it ain’t right.” You really have to love yourself first and begin trusting and paying attention to your intuition — that strange, uncomfortable, dreadful feeling you may get for no obvious reason and the small voice inside your head telling you something isn’t right. Through practicing self-love, you will become more sensitive to your own intuition and what is right for you. You’ll also be more capable of establishing healthy boundaries and enforcing them.
How do you know if you’re dealing with someone who truly lives you? In his book, Identifying Real Love, Dr. Tim Clinton wrote about romantic love, but this list can be used in any type of relationship. He said you can spot true love by these qualities:
- True love offers a safe place to be you. It isn’t driven by a desire to rescue, over protect, control or manipulate … or a need to perform.
- True love values the other person for who they are and celebrates healthy separateness.
- True love genuinely wants the best for the other person. It is grounded in our heart’s desire to cherish, honor and treasure another simply because of who they are.
Safe vs. unsafe people
So, now that we know what real love looks like, how do we know if we’re dealing with a safe or unsafe person? Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend give a good checklist of important qualities of safe people in their book, Safe People, which includes:
- Acceptance and grace.
- Mutual struggles, although they do not have to be the same ones.
- Loving confrontation.
- Both parties need other support systems to avoid toxic dependency on each other.
- Familiarity with the growth process.
- Mutual interests and chemistry, a general liking [of each other].
- An absence of “one-up and one-down” dynamics [no competition].
- Both parties in a relationship with God [having a spiritual life of any faith].
- Honesty and reality instead of “over spiritualizing.”
- An absence of controlling behavior.
In their book, Drs. Cloud and Townsend also make an extensive list of personal and interpersonal traits of unsafe people:
- Unsafe people think they “have it all together” instead of admitting their weaknesses.
- Unsafe people are self-religious instead of humble.
- Unsafe people only apologize instead of changing their behavior.
- Unsafe people avoid working on their problems instead of dealing with them.
- Unsafe people demand trust, instead of earning it.
- Unsafe people think they are perfect instead of admitting their faults.
- Unsafe people blame others instead of taking responsibility.
- Unsafe people lie instead of telling the truth.
- Unsafe people are stagnant instead of growing.
- Unsafe people avoid closeness instead of connecting.
- Unsafe people are only concerned with “I” instead of “we.”
- Unsafe people resist freedom (of others) instead of encouraging it.
- Unsafe people flatter us instead of confronting us.
- Unsafe people condemn us instead of forgiving us.
- Unsafe people stay in parent/child roles instead of relating as equals.
- Unsafe people are unstable over time instead of being consistent.
- Unsafe people are a negative influence on us rather than a positive one.
- Unsafe people gossip instead of keeping secrets.
If you recognize several of these traits in a person, then you are definitely dealing with an unsafe person. I can tell you from experience that confronting them will not work — even enforcing your boundaries can cause them to become verbally or physically violent. So, how can you deal with someone like this? One option is ghosting, but I don’t recommend it. If you go that route, at least be a big enough person to tell them why you’re turning into Casper the (Un)friendly ghost and will never speak to them again. A letter, email, voicemail or text message will do.
It’s important to always remember that you must love yourself first and do what is best (and safe) for you, even if other people don’t like it or throw a fit. Sometimes, walking away is the most loving thing you can do for everyone involved. However, if you are able to stay, then remember this advice from Dr. Wayne Dyer, “As the storm of a quarrel subsides, you must find a way to disregard your ego’s need to be right. It’s time to extend kindness by letting go of your anger. It’s over, so offer forgiveness to yourself and the other person and encourage resentment to dissipate. Be the one seeking a way to give, rather than the one looking for something to get.”
May you find a way to experience true joy during this time of celebration — even if you have to celebrate all alone. Practicing gratitude in every situation, every day — not just on Thanksgiving Day — will go a long way in changing your thinking and energy. Being positive and focusing on love, joy and peace — first and foremost within yourself, then in all your other relationships — will enrich every aspect of your life.
Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives and relationships. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. If you’d like to work directly with Senée, she’s offering deeply discounted coaching and counseling rates through the end of 2020.
