The hardest part of a breakup is really grieving the loss of the relationship — or the loss of the dream of what it could have been. Now, I’m hearing Tiffany from the 80s singing, “Could have been so beautiful. Could have been so right.”
Music is powerful. It has a way of healing us.
Sad songs say so much
Have you ever felt so low and just wanted to have a huge pity party in your depression by listening to music that made you sad? Listening to sad music can be dangerous to your mental health, but research shows that it could also help you get over a broken heart.
Interestingly, Healthline.com reported that listening to sad music can actually help in getting over heartbreak from an ended relationship. “An earlier study, published in the Journal of Consumer Research, found that people tend to prefer sad music when they are experiencing a deep interpersonal loss, like the end of a relationship. The authors of that study suggested that sad music provides a substitute for the lost relationship. They compared it to the preference most people have for an empathic friend — someone who truly understands what you’re going through.”
I guess Elton John was right when he sang, “Sad songs say so much.” When I recorded the album for my book The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart, I chose songs that went along with what I wrote about. Honestly, a couple of them made me cry even in the recording studio as I was singing them. They hit close to home, and I obviously wasn’t over it at the time. That just told me I had more work to do, and I did.
Take action
So, what can you do to allow music to change your mood? In 2013, USA Today published a list of 20 scientifically-proven benefits of music. Some of those included the following action steps:
- Ease pain. [Listening to] “music can meaningfully reduce the perceived intensity of pain …”
- Increase workout endurance. “When we’re focusing on a favorite album, we may not notice that we just ran an extra mile.”
- Reduce stress. “Research has found that listening to music can relieve stress by triggering biochemical stress reducers.”
- Relieve symptoms of depression. “Research suggests the kind of music matters: Classical and meditative sounds seem to be particularly uplifting, whereas heavy metal and techno can actually make depressive symptoms worse.”
- Elevate mood. “A 2013 study found that music helped put people in a better mood and get in touch with their feelings.”
- Help people perform better in high-pressure situations. “One study found that basketball players prone to performing poorly under pressure during games were significantly better during high-pressure free-throw shooting if they first listened to catchy, upbeat music and lyrics.”
- Elevate mood while driving. The reporter suggests listening to your favorite songs the next time you find yourself in a traffic jam to help keep your mood in check. I’ve also had dance parties in the car when I was really in need of an attitude change and safely stopped at a red light.
Give it time
When I was training as a Qualified Mental Health Professional working with children and families, our trainer talked one day about the difference between grief and depression. He explained that depression is thought to be caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain, and it can be treated with medication. Grief, on the other hand, always involves a loss — it is the pain of not getting something you desperately wanted — and may or may not have depression symptoms. If depression is present, then medication can be prescribed. However, the treatment for grief is always talk therapy.
I’ve often said that we grieve many times in our lives — not only when someone dies, but also any time we experience a loss. Getting through the grieving process and coming to a place of acceptance is part of the healing process.
“With the loss of love, our lives are immediately transformed,” wrote Dr. John Gray in Mars and Venus Starting Over. “Grieving the loss of love means fully feeling and then releasing all the painful emotions that come up when we reflect on our loss … one common mistake is to move on too quickly, not giving ourselves enough time to grieve. Yet, another mistake is not giving ourselves permission to experience all our feelings.”
You’re probably familiar with the stages of grief: denial, blame, intense emotions (often displayed in anger or deep sadness), bargaining and acceptance. In my experience and observation, a person can go back and forth between these stages until they finally arrive at acceptance.
Our trainer asked our group what is the timeframe for a person to stop grieving? When will they be finished? There were as many answers as there were people in the room, but he echoed my statement — They’re finished whenever they’re finished.
As I explain in The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart, you may think you worked through a step and have gone on to another one, only to realize that you still have issues in that area. It’s perfectly fine (and normal) to go back and deal with it. The same holds true for grieving. My trainer said you know when a client is improving because the intense pain lessens, and they cycle through the stages of grief less frequently.
Be gentle with yourself. Do the internal work by feeling all the emotions that come up and releasing them. Give it time. You will get through it, I promise. You’ll also come out better than ever, if you take the time you need to fully heal. Rushing the process only leads to baggage that you’ll have to deal with eventually.
Get a guide
Sometimes, we need help from others to guide us through a process. “Studies have shown that the small sliver of people (8%) who do actually stick with their goals and finally achieve them do one thing differently — They get help. It’s as simple as that. They find someone who can take them by the hand (someone who has already done what they’re trying to do), and they ask this person to show them the way,” wrote Author John Assarf in a newsletter.
When I say I can relate to what you may be going through, I really can. During the time of writing my first book on healing a broken heart, I was healing from my own broken heart. I have been through marriage issues, relationship breakups, unrequited love and friends and family problems. In short, I know what it’s like to be truly broken.
Earnest Hemingway wrote, “We are all broken … That’s how the light gets in.” I believe that statement to be true. I absolutely adore stained glass windows, but those beautiful pieces of art would never be made without first breaking whole glass. Don’t let the brokenness in your life fool you … God can do great things with broken people.
I’m here to help as a life guide or spiritual/Christian counselor if you need someone with the clinical, research and life experience of healing a broken heart to walk beside you during this process. In the meantime, know without a shadow of a doubt that things can only get better. Think positively about your life. Dream big dreams, and have a dance party by yourself. You’re worth it, you deserve it and you will get through it.
Do you have a question about life that you want Senée to answer? Leave it in the comments or email it to PrincessGuide@BecomingPublishing.com.
Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. If you’d like to work directly with Senée, she’s accepting new clients.
