Category: Relationships

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The show must go on: How to take action while waiting

I began singing in public in church when I was 2-and-a-half. I sang on television for the first time when I was 9. It was a live broadcast in the Dallas market, and wouldn’t you know that there would have to be an audio problem when the 9-year-old got up to sing!

I did what seemed logical … I waited until I could hear the music again, then started singing where it picked up. Before they sorted it out in the control booth, I just stood there under the blazing lights and glaring cameras pointed straight at me, not to mention a studio full of audience members staring at me. I didn’t throw a Toddlers and Tiaras fit and storm off the set. I didn’t burst into tears in front of the viewers in the number 7 market (at the time). I stood there and waited.

I think I had a deep inner knowing even at that early age that the show must go on and that I had to adjust as quickly as I could to accommodate myself to any problem. The same is true in life. We have ZERO control over other people or outside forces. Some of the time, we have zero control over what happens to us … In such a case, all we can control is how we choose to react to the problem. Do we throw a tantrum on live TV and storm off the set, or do we stand there until we hear the music and begin singing wherever it picks up? At age 9, I chose to do the latter, and I’ve spent the majority of my life doing the same.

Now, I’m not saying that you’ll never have moments of meltdown. Any time we experience a great loss or significant change, we have to allow our minds time to realize what happened, to process the event, to heal emotionally and come up with a new plan. Depending on the severity of the situation. that could take some time. It took me seconds when I was 9 singing on live TV, but as a 42-year-old dealing with a major relationship issue it took me three years to get through the grieving process then start to heal and feel like myself again.

It takes time to figure out what you want your life to look like once you have a major life change. It takes time to remember your worth and value, and then to realize that there must be someone out there who will treat you with the love and respect that you deserve and will give in return, or the right life/career situation that will benefit you rather than break you down.

What happens when we refuse to be flexible and adjust? Bitterness sets in and totally changes our lives … for the worse. It can rob us of our peace, joy and happiness. It can also cause us to do something just to have something to do instead of waiting for the right timing to sing our beautiful song.

Here’s what I had to say about it in my book The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart and how it relates to relationships:

Joy/happiness are attraction magnets—they attract the right people, opportunities, and circumstances into your life, just like bitterness and negativity repel them. The people I enjoy being around most are happy/joyous people who may not be where they want to be in life, but they are grateful for where they are and are working on plans they have devised to go further and do more. Being happy/joyous while single is alright too—It doesn’t mean you’ll be alone forever, it just means that you are fine with it for now and are in no hurry to bring the wrong person into your life to fill the space.

I haven’t thought a lot about that first time singing on television, but as I have been writing this post, it really jumped out at me that I waited … I waited until the music started playing again. I stood there in that very uncomfortable space with all eyes in Dallas on me and I waited. I beat up on myself a lot for being impatient. I feel like I’ve spent most of my existence on this planet waiting for my life to start and for things to happen for me that seem so easy for everyone else. I get frustrated wondering, “When is it finally going to be my turn?!? When are things going to change in my favor?”

Maybe I’m the only one who’s ever felt this way … I’m just being honest and real.

My trusted advisor has been telling me lately that I need to celebrate the little victories. The truth is, I’ve been looking for (and needing) such big victories that the little ones just get ignored by me. But I’ve been working on paying closer attention and giving credit where it is due. So, I have to celebrate the fact that in some areas of my life, I have been patient and waited just like I did on that TV set when I was 9.

During this process, I’ve learned that there’s two types of waiting: active waiting and passive waiting. Passive waiting is when you just sit there and let life pass you by. Active waiting is preparing for the next steps (or what you think or hope are the next steps) while you are waiting.

  • Are you hoping to move to a new home or location?
    • Start packing up the stuff you aren’t using on a regular basis.
    • Begin looking at available places to live in that area.
  • Are you wanting a permanent relationship in your life?
    • Start fixing yourself up on a regular basis and looking like the best version of yourself.
    • Make a list of the qualities you want in a person, and begin practicing being the kind of person you want to attract into your life.
  • Are you looking for a job?
    • Start applying for as many positions as you can qualify for.
    • Pick out your interview outfit and hang it where you can see it every day.

All of these little things have something in common — they involve taking action in a forward, positive motion. I’m constantly striving to educate myself, and I’m always listening to podcasts and watching videos on business tactics. I recently heard someone say that you have to take action and not allow yourself to put things off until tomorrow. Within the last week, I’ve heard more than one person say that the timing will never be right … You have to take action any way. It reminds me of what one of my Substance Abuse Counseling professors would always say to us, “Do it afraid!” She said we should never let fear stop us from taking positive action.

Even a baby step in the right direction is better than being stuck or moving backward. What  one thing can you do today to actively wait and allow the show to go on?

Catch these first-run Write About It Wednesday blogs every Wednesday. If you want to know how to have successful relationships and peace of mind, you can get a free PDF sample chapter of “The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart” by filling out the form in the sidebar on this page.

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Detach without getting bitter

When I was studying Substance Abuse Counseling and Psychology, I spent a lot of time working on myself which included going to Al-Anon meetings. A theme often brought up in that room was “detaching in love.” It was always such a hard concept for me, and one I’m still working on mastering (although I have improved in that area). This Flashback Friday post from 2014 will help us dive deeper into this week’s topic of detaching (in love) through the 8 Week/No Contact Rule …

I was talking with my (graduate school) faculty mentor the other day, and I was telling her how the concept of detachment is hard for me to put into practice because, for me, it feels like giving up on the person or situation. And giving up means I’ll never have my dream.

bitterness, how to not become bitter, detatching, detatching in love,

In her book The Language of Letting Go, Melody Beattie tell us that we have to continue growing even when our loved ones are not yet ready to change themselves.

“Sometimes, we need to give ourselves permission to grow, even though the people we love are not ready to change,” she wrote. “We may even need to leave people behind in their dysfunction or suffering because we cannot recover for them … The potential for helping others is far greater when we detach, work on ourselves, and stop trying to force others to change with us.

“Changing ourselves, allowing ourselves to grow while others seek their own path, is how we have the most beneficial impact on people we love. We’re accountable for ourselves. They’re accountable for themselves.We let them go, and let ourselves grow,” Beattie concluded.

Sometimes moving on means not getting our dream of being with someone because they choose not to be healthy. Not getting our deepest dreams and desires can cause us to become bitter if we allow it.

Hans Villarica wrote in The Psychology of Bitterness: 10 Essential Lessons published in The Atlantic that researchers from Concordia University and the University of British Columbia conducted a study on the topic of bitterness to be published in the journal Health Psychology. Their conclusion, in Dunne’s words: “The ability of older adults with functional limitations to withdraw effort and commitment from goals that are no longer attainable can help them avoid increases in depressive symptoms over time.” What does this mean in plain English? Being able to detach from a deeply wanted outcome will help you not become bitter.

Villarica offered these research-based lessons on bitterness:

  1. Bitterness follows unwanted experiences — failures, disappointment, setbacks — that are perceived to be beyond one’s control.
  2. Bitterness occurs when one believes, rightly or wrongly, that other people could have prevented the undesired outcome. Regret involves blaming oneself.
  3. Bitterness, much like other negative emotions, could forecast physical disease.
  4. To regulate bitterness, individuals who failed should assess the likelihood of achieving the goal if they decide to try again.
  5. If success is unlikely, individuals should move on to other pursuits.
  6. The embittered should try to reconcile, take some responsibility, and get over the blame game.
  7. Older adults generally experience more disappointments that could lead to bitterness.
  8. Most older adults can easily disengage from impractical goals and commit to other meaningful pursuits.
  9. Older adults who can’t curb their bitterness may be compromising their health and happiness.
  10. If bitterness persists, consult a mental health practitioner.

Lesson No. 5 seems to be particularly relevant for those in relationships with substance users. “People also need to find new purposeful activities. They have to reengage — find a different job or look for a different partner. Reengagement in turn has been shown to predict higher levels of positive emotions and purpose in life,” Wrosch wrote.

You can find these Flashback Friday blogs posted every Friday. If you want to know more how to have successful relationships and peace of mind, you can get a free PDF sample chapter of “The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart” by filling out the form in the sidebar on this page.

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Comprehensive advice on the 8 Week/No Contact Rule

I’ve mentioned it before … I love analytics. It must be the researcher in me, but looking closely at the data helps me better serve my readers.

I first blogged about the 8 Week/No Contact Rule four years ago in 2014. I’ve written three posts on this over the years, and every single day this is the most read topic … It went from 24 views in the first year to more than 8,400 total to date. (And as of the day I’m writing this post, it’s been read by 20 people today alone, and the day isn’t over!)

I wanted to make sure people had the most comprehensive information on this topic since I’ve seen it misused and misinterpreted all over the Internet. So, I am reposting an excerpt from the First Edition of my book The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart. (I’m currently working on the Second Edition which will include updated information and the guided journal.) I hope this helps clear up some of the confusion about the No Contact Rule.

I want to say that I do not believe that cutting off communication is a good idea for any relationship. Sometimes, you are forced into that situation by the actions of the other person. If this happens and they will not allow the lines of communication to be open, then if you’re a feminine-energy woman, you may need to detach in love. (If you’re a man, the No Contact Rule won’t work on a woman. It may work on a masculine-energy man in a homosexual relationship, but I have heard of no actual incidents of this happening.)

If you do decide to use this method, I want you to be prepared that the man may not come back to you. The woman who invented this method has examples of men coming back ready to commit to a marriage relationship. However, I have not personally seen or heard of this happening to anyone. Let’s go deeper on this topic …

I wasn’t going to talk about this topic in this book, but every time I looked at my blog statistics at The Princess Guide to Relationships and Recovery, the two posts in which I wrote about the 8 Week/No Contact Rule were the top read posts every day—more than three and four years after I first published them online. I also received e-mails from readers asking questions about this topic. I realized this could be a great benefit to any woman healing from a broken heart. It was instrumental in helping me heal my broken heart from a dating relationship several years ago.

I went through a breakup with a man I had known since I was a little girl but had only dated for about three months. He said he wanted to marry me and had even asked what size ring I wore. Deep down, I knew he wasn’t the right one for me with several red flags being waved. A girlfriend shared this secret with me. I tried it, and trust me, it worked, but not at all how I thought it would.

In her book, Getting to ‘I DO,’ Dr. Patricia Allen explains the most important information every woman needs to know about men and relationships. She begins by warning women against having sex with a man before a commitment has been formalized. Why? Because the chemical oxytocin is released in a woman’s brain making her bond to a man (very much like the Soul Ties I talk about in Chapter 4).

Unfortunately, men don’t bond in this way. “It can take up to TWO YEARS to break this kind of addiction (oxytocin bonding), so I strongly suggest that for physical, mental, and emotional well-being, you be very careful whom you ‘let in’ to your body, and under what conditions,” she wrote. “If you haven’t negotiated a commitment before you make love, you’re probably not going to afterward. Left-lobe-oriented masculine men do not bond through sex. They bond through the commitments they make and keep.”

If you find yourself in a breakup (whether you’ve had sex or not) you have to keep your distance for 8 weeks. Here’s why, according to Dr. Patricia Allen, and how it works:

  • “It takes approximately 8 weeks for a man to process a decision.
  • 1 to 4 weeks: He can function, at least superficially, dating, working, and living.—His left-lobed logic says, ‘Who needs her? I’ll decide how things go between us. No woman controls me!’
  • If he’s in love and didn’t know it, he will call and ask to be “friends”—DON’T DO IT! It will rekindle your oxytocin bonding.
    • Don’t listen to his voicemail messages.
    • Change your outgoing voicemail recording—Have someone else record your message in his or her voice so he can’t get a voice fix off you and stay away longer.
    • (Change your social media photos to something that isn’t you. I used coffee mugs and writing utensils during my 8-week period.)
    • Don’t taste, touch, smell, see or hear him—You will lose that tension-building separation anxiety.
    • Don’t call him for any reason.
  • 6 to 8 weeks: If you don’t call he will realize what he’s feeling and will call to tell you he’s in love with you and wants a commitment.
  • If he doesn’t call by 8 weeks, IT’S OVER!
    • Start duty dating. Dress up, get out, read self-help books and get on with your life as a single woman.
    • If it was a long-term relationship, it might take as long as two years to get over him. Don’t sit around. A new love will take you away from him.”

No Contact

Did my guy call in 8 weeks? No, but you know the funny thing was that I went into it fully believing that by doing what Dr. Patricia Allen said it would cause him to call. What I found was at the end of 8 weeks I was so mad that he didn’t call that I realized I didn’t want him in my life after all! I was so much stronger at the end of 8 weeks. It didn’t change him, it CHANGED ME! All my friends commented on how different I was. Years later, I haven’t spoken to or seen him, and I have absolutely no desire to.

The key is to remember that you deserve to be treated right. A little pain at first by not having contact with him is worth it. In the first week of the process, the guy I was dating started calling and asking to be friends. I said NO and meant it. Now, I’m so glad I didn’t end up with him. You must know that you deserve peace of mind and to feel like you can make your own decisions based on how you want to live your life.

IMPORTANT NOTE: This method only applies to someone you have dated. If you’re married and separated, this doesn’t apply since you have a spiritual covenant, shared bills, children, family, and responsibilities. You can’t go without communicating.

Almost a year after I first blogged about the 8 Week Rule (also called the No Contact Rule), a reader contacted me asking, “What do you do if your ex is a friend on social media?” I told her, “You unfriend him. Any contact, him seeing your photos, or hearing your voice will give him the ‘fix’ he wants and will cause him to stay away longer. He has to earn being in your life or your social media circles. You take him off, lock down your account so even mutual friends can’t access your information (because he doesn’t need to know anything that’s going on in your life), and change your profile photos to objects. (Mine was a coffee cup for Facebook and a writing pen for Twitter.) Also, change your voicemail greeting to the robot standard or have a friend record your greeting. You deserve to be treated right, and it may take totally losing you for this person to realize it. Give it 8 weeks, and let me know how it goes.”

After giving her this advice, I did some investigating, and I have to say there were a lot of so called “relationship experts” (mostly men with no education or experience in Psychology, Couples Therapy or Family Studies) who have written e-books and blog posts on the subject who admit they don’t know where the 8 Week/No Contact Rule originated. That should be a red flag to anyone seeking advice on the topic. I do know where this concept came from.

Dr. Patricia Allen, a couples’ therapist and relationship expert from Los Angeles, explained in her book that this method should only be used by feminine-energy women on masculine-energy males to help them open their hearts and realize when they actually love a woman and want to commit to a marriage relationship.

Do you know what happens when a man uses this method on a woman? (Dr. Patricia Allen didn’t cover this, but I’ll tell you from experience and countless conversations with women in this situation.) From the first day of no contact her mind starts racing through all the things he might be doing (most things on the list are negative). By the time she’s gone through every possible negative scenario and a man is ready to call her in 6 to 8 weeks, she’s past being sad and lonely and is downright MAD! And actually, this is where the magic comes in for women who have gone through a breakup with a man who had no intention of being in her life … By the time she realizes he isn’t coming back, she’s so mad that she has the confidence she needs to move on rather than wasting her life waiting for him.

It is my firm belief that feminine-energy women were created to be cherished, protected, and provided for by their men. When we don’t receive this treatment, it causes some of us to build up walls, others to become untrusting, and still others to be bitter. When we were going through the pre-marriage class at our church, the church counselor came and spoke to the class about his own marriage. He said at one point, he and his wife were on the brink of divorce, then he realized that the husband is the protector of the relationship. I recently read a blog post that reiterated this point.

“It’s a heart issue,” wrote J.T. Waresak for Focus on the Family. “As men, we will protect what matters most to us. If we don’t take the action needed to protect something, we really don’t care too much about it.” As women, deep down we all know this is true, and it deeply hurts us to be dismissed, ignored, and abandoned. Men have the power to make any relationship not just work but be great. It’s important that whatever he says is true, and that he is ready to follow up his words and declarations with action and show you that he is the protector of the relationship. This takes time to observe, so close your ears and open your eyes to watch his actions.

Are you ready to jump start your healing process? Get your free chapter from “The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart.”

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Learning to love yourself first

Loving yourself is, in my personal and professional opinion, the most important key to happiness in life and relationships. I know what it’s like to have people in your life tell you through their words and actions that you have no worth and are not lovable. But I also know what it’s like to break out of that programming and no longer allow them to control your thinking and life …

Let me say this upfront—There is nothing wrong with wanting to be loved. I believe we were created to love and be loved. The problem occurs when we give that power of love to another person outside of ourselves—when the love from another person is more important than how we feel about and love ourselves. If given to the wrong people, they can and will use it to control, dominate, and hurt us. I’ve seen it time and time again and experienced it personally.

The answer to this problem is to love yourself first. That way, no one can take love away from you when the main source of it comes from within yourself. A few months after publishing The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart where I devoted a chapter to this topic, I read Christian Mickelsen’s book Abundance Unleashed where he seems to share my opinion.

“The more attachments you have to being loved, the more neediness, the more you’re going to be searching for that love out in the world, and it’s always going to be elusive,” he wrote.

When you’ve had your heart broken—especially if it’s happened more than once or the situation was very traumatic—it’s easy to blame yourself and let the other person off the hook. While I don’t want you to plot revenge nor look for ways to get even, I do want you to give credit where credit is due and place responsibility where responsibility is due. If you are the person responsible for the demise of the relationship, then you need to own it, repent, and change your behavior.

If you’re anything like me, you wouldn’t go anywhere in the vicinity of a snake, even if it’s behind a glass wall. So, why do we end up letting them (in human form) into our precious lives and sacred beds? Because they come disguised as handsome men or beautiful women promising us everything of which we’ve ever dreamed. By the time we realize they’re actually snakes, it’s too late—we’re already head-over-heels in love and/or engaged.

When someone leaves you—a severe form of rejection, in my personal and professional opinion—you’re put in a tough spot. It feels more like being stuck than anything else because the love you have for that person—if it’s genuine love—doesn’t go away just because he or she did. If you’re a person of faith you believe in the impossible, no matter how “crazy” it may seem or feel. (NOTE: It’s been drilled into me from graduate school studying psychotherapy that “crazy” isn’t a clinical term, but it can be a genuine feeling nonetheless.) But you’re still left all alone—waiting for love to come back to you either from the person who left or someone new. I’m just going to say what you’re not supposed to say—What about YOU? What do you do during the in-between time?

I would dare to suggest that you take all that love, concern, and obsession you’ve freely given to the other person and give it all back to yourself. “We often forget that the ultimate source of love is within us,” Mickelsen wrote. “The more love you feel for yourself, the more other people will naturally love you and gravitate toward you.”

Now, let me be very clear—I am in no way talking about nor condoning the self-love that researchers have found leads to inflated egos and Narcissism. What I am suggesting is learning to love and nurture yourself in a way that uplifts your emotional state and increases your confidence which, in turn, will increase your confidence in all areas of your life and project a positive frequency to the outside world.

It’s incredible how we can often desperately want love and acceptance from the very people who have hurt us the most. Albert Einstein said, “We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.” I will go further to say that the person who hurt you cannot heal you—only you (through the help and power of God) can heal you!

If someone hurt you, they need Jesus and obviously don’t know Him and aren’t following Him—“Where the Spirit of the Lord is present, there is freedom” (2 Corinthians 3:17). Freedom cannot exist when confusion, torment, hurt, and pain are dominant. We must forgive them and focus on getting healing and wholeness for ourselves while letting God do whatever He wants to do in the life of the other person. We don’t get to decide if they will straighten up and treat us right, but we can let go of our obsession of them and focus on loving and appreciating ourselves.

As defined by the clinical term of Dependency—aka Co-dependency or Self Love Deficit Disorder—some people are afraid to be alone because that means they have to be responsible for their own financial, physical, and spiritual wellbeing. Counting on another person to provide for these things or even your own happiness is very dangerous.  What another person gives to you, they can take away. If you give something to yourself, however, it’s yours as along as you exist.

www.ThePrincessGuide.com

A key to loving yourself is actually liking yourself. You can only like a person if you spend time getting to know them. We can often be bombarded by our own thoughts and become used to our ways of talking and reacting, that we don’t even know that we are funny, charming, the life of the party, beautiful, etc. It helps when other people point these things out to get our attention, but even that isn’t necessary. Treating ourselves like we’re getting to know a new person is all it really takes.

“Be alone. Eat alone. Take yourself on dates. You will learn about yourself. You will grow. You will figure out what inspires you. You will curate your own dreams, your own beliefs, your own stunning clarity. And when you do meet the person who makes your cells dance, you will be sure of it because you will be sure of yourself,” instructed an Instagram meme attributed to Bianca Sparacino.

Stella had to go to Jamaica to get her groove back in the book How Stella Got Her Groove Back. Not all of us can afford such an extravagant trip, but you don’t need an island vacation nor a younger man to get your confidence back. In fact, those things are actually detrimental to the long-term survival of your confidence because they are outside things—real, lasting confidence is totally an inside job. Like the song says, “The world didn’t give it to me, and the world can’t take it away.” If you do the hard, internal work yourself, then no one can take the credit or take the confidence away.

People may come and go out of your life, but your core will not be destroyed because you will know without a shadow of a doubt that you are precious, worthy, and lovable. You will know that if you have been loved once, it can happen again and be even better than before!

You must also remember that you are deeply loved and cherished by the lover of your soul, Jesus. “It is a fact that many believers feel overwhelmed by the situations they face in life. In fact, they often feel so confused and weighed down that they wonder if God is still near to them. This is precisely why Paul adds (in Romans 8:38-39) that even life cannot separate a believer from the love of Jesus Christ,” wrote Rick Renner in Sparkling Gems from the Greek. Let’s take a look at how much you’re worth.

Do you want to get started on this (self) love train? This is just the introduction, but you can get the full e-book downloaded instantly to read on Kindle or any PDF reader.

Catch these first-run Write About It Wednesday blogs every Wednesday. If you want to know how to have successful relationships and peace of mind, you can get a free PDF sample chapter of “The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart” by filling out the form in the sidebar on this page.

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How to show your love for someone

As I wrote about last week, I haven’t really been in the mood for Valentine’s Day this year, but I’m always thinking (and writing) about love and relationships.

We show our love to people by the words we speak and gifts we give. These things are very important and shouldn’t be neglected or avoided — when we refuse to give people gifts they like or affirm them by our words, we tell them by our actions that they don’t matter to us.

Just as important are the things we DO. Our actions are what will be remembered most.

My best friend’s dad passed away unexpectedly recently. When I told her I would do anything she needed, I meant it. When she asked if I would read his favorite poem at his funeral, I immediately said yes, even though I have vision issues and haven’t read anything out loud to another person (much less a chapel full of people) in years.

I would have felt more comfortable singing or speaking than reading, but that’s what I was asked to do. Where there’s a will, there’s always a way! The family was pleased and said it made them cry. I just wanted to show my love by honoring them and not embarrassing them.

How do we know the difference between real love and the fake stuff? Real love is selfless and unconditional … It doesn’t look for something in return.

My grandpa was really great at modeling real love daily. I was riding my bike one day when I was about 12. I was standing up on the peddles, and my back wheel hit a pothole. The seat hit me in the behind, and I was instantly in pain and bruised. (I later found out I had broken my tail bone.) The next thing I knew, my Pa-Paw was down the street in 105 degrees filling up that pothole. He said he didn’t want me to be hurt again–Now, that’s real love!

“Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents. Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn’t love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that.” -Ephesians 5:1-2 MSG

How can you step out of your comfort zone this week to show your love to someone?

Catch these first-run Write About It Wednesday blogs every Wednesday. If you want to know more about the healing and transformation process, you can get a free PDF sample chapter of “The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart” by filling out the form in the sidebar on this page.

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How to heal a Valentine’s Day broken heart

I was grocery shopping the other day, and I was slapped in the face with Valentine’s Day items when I walked in every store … OK, so I wasn’t literally hit with the items, but it sure felt like it emotionally. My first thought (as I quickly got away from all of it) was, “Can’t we just skip Valentines this year?” Have you ever felt like that?

Now, I’m not as bad as the group of friends in the movie Valentine’s Day who gathered for the anti-Valentines party getting all their aggression and hurt feelings out by pounding a heart-shaped pinata with a baseball bat. I actually like celebrating the holiday, but the only time I’ve actually gotten to celebrate was when I was married. Seriously, when I was in the dating scene, guys would literally disappear during Christmas and Valentines then magically reappear like nothing ever happened. Something happened alright — my worth was attacked! By their actions, I was told that I wasn’t worth buying flowers or dinner for.

The truth is this: at some point in your life you have to learn to love yourself and do the things for yourself that you wish others would do for you.

If you have a Valentine’s Day broken heart, or are just alone and trying to figure out what you could do differently to have healthier relationships, now is the perfect time to learn new behaviors and make positive changes. The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart is a great tool to help you do just that. Whether you’ve been heart from romantic relationships, family relationships, friend relationships, etc., this book can help you transform and heal yourself.

I discovered some really insightful things when researching and writing this book, the first one is that being alone is not a death sentence, nor is it something of which to fear.

In a 2016 New York Times OpEd piece on why people marry the wrong person, Book Author Alain de Botton gave some profound insight into loneliness and how it can cause us to make wrong decisions. “We make mistakes, too, because we are so lonely,” she explained. “No one can be in an optimal frame of mind to choose a partner when remaining single feels unbearable. We have to be wholly at peace with the prospect of many years of solitude in order to be appropriately picky; otherwise, we risk loving no longer being single rather more than we love the partner who spared us that fate.”

Another insight I gained during my research was that you really have to learn how to love yourself. I know some people who it seems to come naturally for them. I credit that to good parenting, but not all of us are so lucky. We have to work daily on knowing and loving ourselves. If we aren’t our biggest cheerleader and promoter, who else is going to be?

Let’s face it, people are human beings and they don’t always treat us the way they should. We have no control over their actions, but we can love and support ourselves first, then allow our significant others to be the icing on top.

If you’re having trouble getting started on the self-love thing, here are some ideas from The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart:

One way to change your focus is to use affirmations. Reading these every day will begin to reprogram your brain and replace the negative tapes with positive ones. Life Coach Che Garman offers these suggestions to focus on daily:

  • “I allow love to find me easily and effortlessly.
  • I am cherished and valued.
  • I am loving and compassionate to myself and others.
  • I am surrounded by people who love me.
  • I am totally lovable, just the way I am.
  • I am willing to love myself unconditionally.
  • I am worthy of love, just as everyone else is.
  • I love the negative people in my life, and let them go on their way.
  • I radiate love and happiness wherever I go.
  • I receive all the love I need to feel cherished and appreciated.
  • Love and peace surrounds my life at all times.
  • My love life just keeps getting better and better.
  • My thoughts are always loving and truthful.
  • My true love is on his way to me.”

While reading these statements may feel strange, and it may even feel “wrong” to say these things out loud, you need to speak them into the atmosphere so that your ears can hear them and your brain can process them. The Bible tells us to call those things that are not as though they are (Romans 4:17). While it may feel like a lie or fake at first, the more you practice saying these things out loud to yourself, the sooner your heart and mind will change.

My hope for you is that you feel the love you long for. I believe that if you begin giving it to yourself first, you will attract it from others and you will be able to fully receive it and reciprocate it.

Catch these first-run Write About It Wednesday blogs every Wednesday. If you want to know more about the healing and transformation process, you can get a free PDF sample chapter of “The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart” by filling out the form in the sidebar on this page.

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Is there a way to predict if someone will cheat on you?

I’ve heard women often say, “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” I like to believe that everyone has good inside them, and as long as they’re breathing they can make positive changes in their lives. However, my past experiences have shown that this statement may be true — I must always use the caveat: unless the person allows God to change them and/or they are committed to doing the hard work to change themselves.

In 2012, I conducted a scientific study to measure if powerful people (men, in particular) are more likely to be unfaithful in a relationship or marriage. As part of my literature research, I found the following scientific evidence …

Is there a red flag to indicate if someone would have sex outside of marriage?

A classic Country song says, “Your cheatin’ heart will tell on you,” but does it really? Is it possible to spot a cheater before he or she commits the act and obliterates a relationship?

Whisman, Chatav, and Coop Gordon (2007) were interested in finding out if there was a red flag to indicate if someone would have sex outside of marriage. The authors evaluated whether the dependent variables of sexual infidelity over the preceding 12 months, neuroticism, self-esteem, religiosity, marital functioning, and the presence of children in the marriage would predict infidelity over and above marital dissatisfaction. They also wanted to know if there were moderation effects since previous studies have found that the more religious a person is, the less likely he or she would be unfaithful.

A large national survey was conducted of people who had been married for 12 months or longer. Participants answered a written survey which included questions such as, “How many people (either men or women) have you had sexual intercourse with in the past 12 months? “All in all, how satisfied are you with your relationship—very satisfied, somewhat satisfied, not very satisfied, or not at all satisfied?” and “Overall, would you rate your relationship as excellent, good, fair, or poor?” Researchers measured religiosity using four questions assessing (a) the importance of religious or spiritual beliefs in daily life, (b) frequency of attending religious services, (c) whether participants sought spiritual comfort during problems or difficulties, and (d) whether participants asked themselves what God would want them to do when making decisions in daily life.

  • The findings showed that there are variables that predict infidelity, including relationship dissatisfaction, low self-esteem, and the suspicion that a partner is cheating. The main predictor that overshadowed all other factors was relationship dissatisfaction.
Characteristics of unfaithful people

To identify characteristics of people who are unfaithful, Fish, Pavkov, Wetchler, and Bercik (2012) looked at adult attachment style, differentiation, and infidelity. They specifically wanted to answer three questions. “Are individuals with significantly higher levels of attachment anxiety more likely to participate in infidelity at significantly higher levels than those with significantly lower levels of attachment anxiety? Are individuals with significantly higher levels of attachment avoidance more likely to participate in infidelity at significantly higher levels than those with significantly lower levels of attachment avoidance? And, are individuals with significantly lower levels of differentiation more likely to participate in infidelity in significantly higher levels than those with significantly higher levels of differentiation?” (Fish, Pavkov, Wetchler, and Bercik, 2012).

Their study was conducted online with 93 males and 260 females. Participants answered questions in a survey which included the Experiences in Close Relationships-Revised survey (a 36-item self-report that measures adult romantic attachment), the Differentiation of Self Inventory (43 items that measure a person’s ability to balance emotional and intellectual functioning and autonomy and intimacy within relationships), The Infidelity Scale (an 11-item survey that measures emotional, sexual, and composite infidelity), and The Extradyadic Involvement Measure (a condensed version developed from items on the modified Extradyadic Experiences Questionnaire).

  • Attachment anxiety and avoidance showed significant relationships with infidelity.
  • Also, the knowledge of a parental affair increased the chances of a person participating in infidelity.

Glass and Wright (1977) took another look at a 1977 Psychology Today sex questionnaire.

  • It found the divorce rates to be higher for men who ware unfaithful,
  • but cheating women who had been married longer had lower divorce rates than women in younger marriages.
  • The survey also found cheating women in young marriages and cheating men in older marriages reported higher marital satisfaction than others who participated in extramarital affairs.
  • Reports of marital satisfaction declined the longer a person was married, except with men who cheated.
  • The survey also found the unfaithful are less romantic with their partners.
So what does all this mean and how can it help you spot a cheater before he or she cheats on you?

The truth is, people can change, however, as I write about in The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart, people often do not change because change is hard and many people give up before the change actually occurs. Can God change people instantly? Sure. I’ve seen it happen, but most of the time He gives us the grace to walk through the stages of change. Even if we receive an instantaneous change, we still have to adjust our lifestyles and behaviors to make it last. This is why looking at a person’s past behavior is so important because research shows that past behavior (along with intentions) does, in fact, predict future behavior. Here’s what I write in The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart:

Researchers from Texas A&M University and State University of New York College at Cortland did an evaluation of existing research findings on the effects of past behavior predicting future behavior. What they found was that intentions guide behavior, and when a new behavior is difficult, a person must use higher decision-making processes. In these cases, researchers concluded that past behavior—along with attitude and subjective norms—may contribute to intentions which, again, guides behavior. Simply put, when a new behavior is difficult, a person typically reverts back to their habits and past behaviors, and their intentions play a large role in this. If someone has purely selfish or self-serving intentions, then they will always revert to negative past behaviors, in my observation.

While examining a person’s past behaviors, you need to find out if your partner (or potential partner):

  • Has been easily dissatisfied with relationships in the past.
    • This can be evidenced by a pattern of breaking up with someone within the first 6 months or not having a long marriage.
  • Has a parent who has cheated.
  • Has attachment anxiety or avoidance.
    • This is evidenced by being too clingy or emotionally unavailable.
  • Has been romantic to their partner then stopped.

It is true that marriage satisfaction does decline over time. — Contrary to popular belief, having children does not make a person more faithful or satisfied with a relationship or marriage. As I wrote in the book …

Research studies show that adding children into the relationship only causes the stress and unhappiness to increase between a couple, and they have to work even harder at maintaining the relationship. “For around 30 years, researchers have studied how having children affects a marriage, and the results are conclusive: the relationship between spouses suffers once kids come along. Comparing couples with and without children, researchers found that the rate of the decline in relationship satisfaction is nearly twice as steep for couples who have children than for childless couples. In the event that a pregnancy is unplanned, the parents experience even greater negative impacts on their relationship,” wrote Matthew D. Johnson, professor of psychology and director of the Marriage and Family Studies Laboratory, Binghamton University, State University of New York. “Worse still, this decrease in marital satisfaction likely leads to a change in general happiness, because the biggest predictor of overall life satisfaction is one’s satisfaction with their spouse.” (Science has proven the previous statement Rev. Mike Murdoch made about how you can be married and feel alone.)

Doing life with someone comes with ups and downs, and we have to learn to grow closer to one another rather then letting the difficult times tear us apart. Doing your homework very early into the relationship can help prevent heartbreak and breakup by knowing if the person you are with is in it for the long haul. The only way to truly know that is to give it time to allow the person to show you by their actions what kind of person they truly are.

Catch these first-run Write About It Wednesday blogs every Wednesday. If you want to know more about the healing and transformation process, you can get a free PDF sample chapter of “The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart” by filling out the form in the sidebar on this page.

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The Dallas Cowboys & Marriage: Faithfulness is all in your head

I know the 2018 Super Bowl is right around the corner, but as far as I’m concerned, the football season ended when the Dallas Cowboys played their last game. I’m not as much a football fan as I am a Cowboys fan. While everyone else is placing bets on who will win the Super Bowl and planning their Super Bowl parties, I’m watching the Cowboys players prepare for the Pro Bowl and watching all the off-season activities.

So what does any of this have to do with Relationships and Recovery? I’ll connect the dots for you in this Flashback Friday post from 2013 …

* * *

You might say I was born a Dallas Cowboys fan. I was born in the city of Dallas and cheered for the team from as far back as I can remember. I even wanted to be a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader when I was a little girl, and my sister and I had the official white cheerleader jackets to prove it.

My grandpa was very instrumental in my love for the team — He was a huge fan and never missed watching a game or listening on the radio when we were at lunch after church on Sundays. I attended the one and only game (so far in my lifetime) in the old Texas Stadium during Tom Landry’s last year of coaching just before Jerry Jones bought the team …

So, we were watching them play the NFC East championship game against the Philadelphia Eagles tonight when they were only a point behind. (Someone close to me) said that if they won, all the fair-weathered fans will be out putting their Cowboys flags on their car windows and in their yards the next day.

I can’t imagine NOT being a fan of the Dallas Cowboys, yet when people complain about the team, their records, the players, coaches and owner, it makes me think of marriage.

If you only love a team because they are winning, that isn’t real love. The same goes in a marriage — if you only love your spouse when he or she is doing things that please you or make you feel good, that really isn’t love either.

Granted, it’s much harder to practice love when another person’s actions affect you in such a profound and personal way. A sports team winning or losing doesn’t affect me at all (especially since I don’t gamble my money on game outcomes). However, when the person I love more than anyone in this world does things that hurts or displeases me, it’s harder to let go.

So what do you do?

I happened upon a movie called Fireproof about a couple on the brink of divorce. The husband, a firefighter, changed his mind about getting divorced and started making changes in his own life. Near the end of the film, the wife got sick and the husband brought her food and medicine. She asked him why he was being so nice to her and his response was, “I’ve learned that you never leave your partner in the middle of a fire.”

Experts say staying together isn’t a magical thing — It’s all in your head!

In his book The DNA of Relationships, Dr. Gary Smalley explains it like this, “Your thoughts are the basis for your feelings and reactions … You have a choice about how you react when someone pushes your fear button. No one else controls how you think. No one else controls how you react. You alone do that.”

So, staying together and being faithful to your relationship or sports team is all under your control. What thoughts are you thinking today that can make your relationships better?

You can find these Flashback Friday blogs posted every Friday. If you want to know more about the healing and transformation process, you can get a free PDF sample chapter of “The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart” by filling out the form in the sidebar on this page.

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The Princess Guide Senee Seale
The Princess Guide
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