Tag: Dr. Patricia Allen

I went through a breakup with a man I had known since I was a little girl but had only dated for about three months. He said he wanted to marry me and had even asked what size ring I wore. Deep down, I knew he wasn’t the right one for me with several red flags being waved. A girlfriend shared this secret with me. I tried it, and trust me, it worked, but not at all how I thought it would.

In her book, Getting to ‘I DO,’ Dr. Patricia Allen explains the most important information every woman needs to know about men and relationships. She begins by warning women against having sex with a man before a commitment has been formalized. Why? Because the chemical oxytocin is released in a woman’s brain making her bond to a man (very much like the Soul Ties I talk about in Chapter 4).

Unfortunately, men don’t bond in this way. “It can take up to TWO YEARS to break this kind of addiction (oxytocin bonding), so I strongly suggest that for physical, mental, and emotional well-being, you be very careful whom you ‘let in’ to your body, and under what conditions,” she wrote. “If you haven’t negotiated a commitment before you make love, you’re probably not going to afterward. Left-lobe-oriented masculine men do not bond through sex. They bond through the commitments they make and keep.”

If you find yourself in a breakup (whether you’ve had sex or not) you have to keep your distance for 8 weeks. Here’s why, according to Dr. Patricia Allen, and how it works:

• “It takes approximately 8 weeks for a man to process a decision.
• 1 to 4 weeks: He can function, at least superficially, dating, working, and living.—His left-lobed logic says, ‘Who needs her? I’ll decide how things go between us. No woman controls me!’
• If he’s in love and didn’t know it, he will call and ask to be “friends”—DON’T DO IT! It will rekindle your oxytocin bonding.
  • Don’t listen to his voicemail messages.
  • Change your outgoing voicemail recording—Have someone else record your message in his or her voice so he can’t get a voice fix off you and stay away longer.
  • (Change your social media photos to something that isn’t you. I used coffee mugs and writing utensils during my 8-week period.)
  • Don’t taste, touch, smell, see or hear him—You will lose that tension-building separation anxiety.
  • Don’t call him for any reason.

• 6 to 8 weeks: If you don’t call he will realize what he’s feeling and will call to tell you he’s in love with you and wants a commitment.
• If he doesn’t call by 8 weeks, IT’S OVER!
  • Start duty dating. Dress up, get out, read self-help books and get on with your life as a single woman.
  • If it was a long-term relationship, it might take as long as two years to get over him. Don’t sit around. A new love will take you away from him.”

Did my guy call in 8 weeks? No, but you know the funny thing was that I went into it fully believing that by doing what Dr. Patricia Allen said it would cause him to call. What I found was at the end of 8 weeks I was so mad that he didn’t call that I realized I didn’t want him in my life after all! I was so much stronger at the end of 8 weeks. It didn’t change him, it CHANGED ME! All my friends commented on how different I was. Years later, I haven’t spoken to or seen him, and I have absolutely no desire to.

The key is to remember that you deserve to be treated right. A little pain at first by not having contact with him is worth it. In the first week of the process, the guy I was dating started calling and asking to be friends. I said NO and meant it. Now, I’m so glad I didn’t end up with him. You must know that you deserve peace of mind and to feel like you can make your own decisions based on how you want to live your life.

IMPORTANT NOTE: This method only applies to someone you have dated. If you’re married and separated, this doesn’t apply since you have a spiritual covenant, shared bills, children, family, and responsibilities. You can’t go without communicating.

Almost a year after I first blogged about the 8 Week Rule (also called the No Contact Rule), a reader contacted me asking, “What do you do if your ex is a friend on social media?” I told her, “You unfriend him. Any contact, him seeing your photos, or hearing your voice will give him the ‘fix’ he wants and will cause him to stay away longer. He has to earn being in your life or your social media circles. You take him off, lock down your account so even mutual friends can’t access your information (because he doesn’t need to know anything that’s going on in your life), and change your profile photos to objects. (Mine was a coffee cup for Facebook and a writing pen for Twitter.) Also, change your voicemail greeting to the robot standard or have a friend record your greeting. You deserve to be treated right, and it may take totally losing you for this person to realize it. Give it 8 weeks, and let me know how it goes.”

After giving her this advice, I did some investigating, and I have to say there were a lot of so called “relationship experts” (mostly men with no education or experience in Psychology, Couples Therapy or Family Studies) who have written e-books and blog posts on the subject who admit they don’t know where the 8 Week/No Contact Rule originated. That should be a red flag to anyone seeking advice on the topic. I do know where this concept came from.

Dr. Patricia Allen, a couples’ therapist and relationship expert from Los Angeles, explained in her book that this method should only be used by feminine-energy women on masculine-energy males to help them open their hearts and realize when they actually love a woman and want to commit to a marriage relationship.

Do you know what happens when a man uses this method on a woman? (Dr. Patricia Allen didn’t cover this, but I’ll tell you from experience and countless conversations with women in this situation.) From the first day of no contact her mind starts racing through all the things he might be doing (most things on the list are negative). By the time she’s gone through every possible negative scenario and a man is ready to call her in 6 to 8 weeks, she’s past being sad and lonely and is downright MAD! And actually, this is where the magic comes in for women who have gone through a breakup with a man who had no intention of being in her life … By the time she realizes he isn’t coming back, she’s so mad that she has the confidence she needs to move on rather than wasting her life waiting for him.

It is my firm belief that feminine-energy women were created to be cherished, protected, and provided for by their men. When we don’t receive this treatment, it causes some of us to build up walls, others to become untrusting, and still others to be bitter. When we were going through the pre-marriage class at our church, the church counselor came and spoke to the class about his own marriage. He said at one point, he and his wife were on the brink of divorce, then he realized that the husband is the protector of the relationship. I recently read a blog post that reiterated this point.

“It’s a heart issue,” wrote J.T. Waresak for Focus on the Family. “As men, we will protect what matters most to us. If we don’t take the action needed to protect something, we really don’t care too much about it.” As women, deep down we all know this is true, and it deeply hurts us to be dismissed, ignored, and abandoned. Men have the power to make any relationship not just work but be great. It’s important that whatever he says is true, and that he is ready to follow up his words and declarations with action and show you that he is the protector of the relationship. This takes time to observe, so close your ears and open your eyes to watch his actions.

Are you ready to jump start your healing process? Get your free chapter from “The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart.”