Category: Relationships

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It’s (cat)fishing season: Beware of fake people

We all know about the Nigerian email scams. I remember receiving emails 20 years ago at my work address at the newspaper where I was a consumer editor and business reporter during the beginning of the Iraq war. All the emails were variations of the same story: The person was related to the king and needed help getting funds out of the country. (I published one of them in a column as a warning to readers.)

A recent search of my spam folder found modern-day variations of this scam including one from a so-called attorney in South Africa who said she had a client die with no relatives to give their millions of dollars to. This one was offering me 40% of the money keeping 60%. (How generous.)

These scammers have gotten more sophisticated moving into the online dating scene and social media. They seem to know current events quite well and always seem to crop up when a stimulus check or income tax check is about to be released. It’s become such a problem that I’ve received a couple of emails from my bank warning about such scams. They love to use the military as their alias with the Department of Defense issuing a warning in 2019 on its website.

“In April [2019], Army Criminal Investigation Command put out a warning about romance scams in which online predators go on dating sites claiming to be deployed active-duty soldiers,” the website states. “It’s a problem that’s affecting all branches of service — not just the Army.”

“Scammers, both male and female, make fake dating profiles, sometimes using photos of other people — even stolen pictures of real military personnel,” wrote the Federal Trade Commission on its website. “They build relationships — some even fake wedding plans — before they disappear with your money.”

I’ve been approached by such scammers, and the journalist in me has to play along occasionally just to see how far it will go so that I can warn you. They’re pretty good at being cyberbullies and can make physical threats online. I had a male friend tell me about one of his female friends who when through this, and he described a very common scenario — The guy says he’s active-duty military usually stationed in the same state as the woman but deployed overseas. (It’s very common for them to tell you that their parents have died when they were younger, and they were raised by a grandmother or aunt. It’s sad, but I’ve heard a variation of this story at least three or four times in the last year, and the last time I heard it, I started laughing so hard that I was literally crying!) They will often begin love bombing within the first few days or week saying they want to settle down and get married. (Trust me when I tell you that real guys take months after meeting you in person to say I Love you, if they ever say it at all.) If these fakers are really bold, they may even call you.

Usually by Week 2, they will start talking about how they need money and ask their target for it. Let me be clear, as a former military wife, I know that deployed servicemembers are receiving hazard pay beyond their normal salary. Nothing delays their funds from being direct deposited even during a deployment. Don’t fall for it.

“Remember: Service members and government employees DO NOT PAY to go on leave, have their personal effects sent home or fly back to the U.S. from an overseas assignment,” states the DOD website. “Scammers will sometimes provide false paperwork to make their case, but real servicemembers make their own requests for time off. Also, any official military or government emails will end in .mil or .gov — not .com — so, be suspicious if you get a message claiming to be from the military or government that doesn’t have one of those addresses.”

It isn’t just something woman have to deal with, either. I’ve talked to several men who have encountered much of the same with women saying they’re in the military deployed overseas or they’re overseas taking care of sick relatives. I even received a message recently on social media from someone posing as a woman claiming to live in my city (I knew it was a lie) who eventually asked for money for a sick relative.

“Scammers target people across different demographics on every dating platform possible,” wrote Megan Ellis for MakeUseOf.com. “This means that regardless of gender, sexual orientation, age or preferred platform, no one is off-bounds to a scammer.”

It’s sad that society has come to this. A close friend of mine and I were taking about this recently, and she said if they could get just one person to pay them a month that would be a pretty good payout. It appears to me that these scams run pretty quickly (around two weeks … a month if the scammer really likes you).

Warning signs to look for

Like I said before, these catfish aren’t swimming in just one lake … They’re everywhere online. Ellis outlined these eight red flags to look out for. She is focusing on online dating, but this can be applied to social media or anywhere people hangout online.

  1. Profile warning signs. There are a few signs you should look out for when looking at a potential match’s online dating profile. A few typical traits of a scammer’s profile include:
    1. Profiles have very few images or images that seem to be model or glamour stock photos.
    1. Despite looking for singles in your area, they work or live in another country [or state].
    1. Many scammers claim to be on military deployment in another country.
    1. On dating apps, scammers and bots will have very limited profile information. They also tend to only have one or two photos and do not link their profile to their Instagram or other accounts.
  2. They try to take the conversation elsewhere. Online dating scammers — especially those catfishing victims — will quickly ask you to move to another form of messaging outside the platform where you met. Often, scammers will want to communicate via written messages on Skype or Facebook. However, they may also choose to message you over SMS or an app like Whatsapp [or Hangouts]. Be wary of anyone you haven’t met that wants to move the conversation to another platform.
  3. Your match professes love early on. Online dating scammers tend to move very quickly in terms of professing an emotional connection. Within a short period, they may say they love you and that they feel a very deep connection to you. This is all part of the emotional manipulation involved in catfishing while using online dating. It’s also why people who are vulnerable and isolated are such desirable targets — since they’re yearning for a connection. You should look out for any matches that are overly flattering and overly devoted early on in your communication when you haven’t even met.
  4. They want to meet you, but something always comes up. A common line among online dating scammers is that they want to meet you, but when the time comes, there is always some unexpected issue. Since the scammer is not the person they claim to be, they don’t want to meet in person. This is also the reason why so many scammers claim to work in another country or be on military deployment since it provides them with an excuse for not being able to meet up. In fact, many scammers use photos of military personnel and soldiers on their profiles. The inability to meet you may even be the supposed reason they first try to solicit money from a victim. They may claim to need money to buy a ticket to travel to meet you. Sometimes, they’ll say that border officials detained them and that they need money for their release.
  5. They avoid video chat completely. According to the Better Business Bureau, the majority of romance scams trace back to people living in Nigeria. So, if a scammer is a foreigner from a country like Nigeria, Ghana or Malaysia, they may avoid phone calls or voice chat on programs like Skype, since their accent may give them away. However, scammers are able to fake accents for victims that back up their claimed country of origin. No matter what, a catfish will not appear in video chat since they use fake profile images. Be wary if your match is never willing to appear in video chat or always makes excuses about their camera being broken. Most smartphones now have built-in selfie cameras which makes video chatting relatively easy. Some people may initially hesitate to appear on video chat out of shyness. However, it’s a red flag if someone professes love, yet won’t let you talk to them over video after weeks of communication.
  6. They request money from you. Inevitably, a catfish will request money from you, as this is the ultimate goal of most scammers. There are a variety of scenarios that they may invent — from family emergencies, health issues or travel problems. Particularly inventive scammers may even trick you into sending them money by purportedly sending you a package that requires customs fees. Scammers don’t necessarily work alone, so you may receive a phone call or documents from someone posing as a third-party to request fees. Some scammers even request financial help or financial investment related to their fictional business. If any kind of financial request comes from your suitor — or from something related to them (such as a package or business) — this is the biggest sign that you are the target of a scam.
  7. They ask for your help with financial transactions. One of the newer online dating scams doesn’t request money from victims, but turns them into “money mules.” Rather than trying to get money from the victim, these scammers make you an accomplice in money laundering. One example includes the scammer sending money to the victim, who then sends them an Amazon card or another kind of gift card. Other times they might send you money and ask you to send it to another account for them. Sometimes, scammers may ask a victim to open a bank account for them. If your online suitor asks you to get involved in these types of financial transactions and exchanges, it’s likely that they’re a scammer trying to lure you into illegal activities.
  8. They send you a link to another service or website. Some scammers don’t bother with catfishing. They rather use more efficient ways to exploit victims. This is especially true on online dating apps where bot profiles are prevalent. If a match sends you a link to an app, game, service or website they say they want you to try out, this is often a ploy to get you to supply financial information or download malware. It is essentially the online dating version of phishing and is a very popular tactic for scammers on dating apps like Tinder.

What you can do

This problem has gotten so bad that the FBI has gotten involved in the last few years. “While the FBI and other federal partners work some of these cases — in particular those with a large number of victims or large dollar losses and/or those involving organized criminal groups — many are investigated by local and state authorities,” according to the FBI’s San Diego office website. “We strongly recommend, however, that if you think you’ve been victimized by a dating scam or any other online scam, file a complaint with our Internet Crime Complaint Center (www.ic3.gov). Before forwarding the complaints to the appropriate agencies, IC3 collates and analyzes the data — looking for common threads that could link complaints together and help identify the culprits. This helps keep everyone safe.”

The U.S. Army’s CIC has an entire webpage dedicated to spotting the red flags of an online dating scammer with links to news articles and other facts. It advises that you file complaints with IC3, as well, and long with the FTC.

Any time you meet someone online, you need to do a reverse lookup on their photos to see if they are appearing in other places. Doing search engine research is also a good idea, but let’s face it … Unless they have a unique name like mine or are a public figure, it will probably be hard to verify they are who they say they are. I like sending them a specific link to my website so that I can see through analytics where they’re located — and yes, Nigeria has appeared. If you think for any reason that your financial or banking information has been compromised (or just want to be safe rather than sorry), you can file a fraud alert with one of the credit reporting agencies (Transunion, Equifax or Experian), and they will share the information with the other two.

If you can get them to video chat with you to at least verify that they look like their photos, that’s even better. If you get photos that don’t look like the same person, well … there’s your answer. Don’t second guess your gut instincts. Like I’m always saying, the kingdom of heaven is within. You have all the answers inside yourself. Trust your intuition and pray for clear discernment. If it doesn’t feel right, it ain’t right, as a friend’s friend says.

Ladies, it’s like my grandparents always told me — A real man will never ask a woman for money. Men, a woman full of integrity will never tell you that she’s in need … She’d rather do without than ask you for anything. It’s one thing to be starting out in your 20s with nothing and work together to build an empire, but it’s quite another thing to be grown and begging strangers you’ve never actually met or spent time in the same room with for money. That isn’t a good look for anyone. Once you’re in a relationship and you want to help because you have the means, then do so. Until then, men (or whomever is the masculine-energy person, aka. the giver) pay for the dates and ladies (or whomever is the feminine-energy person, aka. the receiver), give him your undivided attention when you’re together.

It’s hard enough to know who you’re dealing with when you meet someone face-to-face, but you can almost always guarantee that someone you meet online who doesn’t live in your city, doesn’t ask for your phone number to call or text you and doesn’t ask you on a date within the first couple of weeks isn’t who they say they are. I catch myself referring to these people as not being real, but they actually are real people. They are just operating in such negative energy with intentions to hurt and steal from others that it’s hard to believe they’re human at all. Be careful. Do everything you can to protect yourself, and if at all possible, meet people the old-fashioned way — in person, face-to-face in the real world (not the cyber one).

Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives and relationships. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. If you’d like to work directly with Senée, she’s accepting new clients.

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How to move through troubled times

I was talking with someone recently about how 2020 was a hard year in many ways, but it also went by very quickly. (Thank God for that.) Facing troubled times is part of life. These moments can make or break us, but the incredible news is that you get to determine the outcome. I always advise people to move through difficult times and not pitch a tent or (worse yet) build a house and live there. If you can be cognizant of facing troubled times in your life with grace and dignity while focusing on how you can change yourself, then you are doing it perfectly and will have a positive outcome.

Last Halloween night, I remembered something I had totally forgotten. When I was in college, I went to a haunted house with some of my sorority sisters. I am not a haunted house kind of girl. I don’t watch scary movies. I don’t allow negative energy like that around me at all because I protect my kingdom and don’t want that negative energy around or in me. However, that night. I went.

I remember standing in line with my sisters, and a couple of guys were next to us. I didn’t know them, but I grabbed both of their arms and told them they were going through that haunted house with me and instructed them to not allow anyone to touch me. I remembered standing in-between them with my head down and eyes closed. Those poor guys must have had sore arms for days after I got finished with them because I was holding on tight to both of them, but I got through it (with the help of two total strangers).

It is perfectly alright to seek help when you’re going through a difficult time — In fact, that is exactly the time to seek help. (I offer coaching services, if you were not aware.) When I was in graduate school studying Marriage & Family Therapy and Clinical Mental Health Counseling, it was stressed to us that every good therapist has a therapist. I’ve often described it like this: When you’re in the middle of a tornado, (I can imagine) all you can see are the cows and pickup trucks swirling around you. You have no idea where you are or what’s going on outside the storm. That’s where a professional or close friend comes into play because these people outside your situation can see things very clearly and can guide you in a positive direction. Part of changing your life and moving in a positive direction is letting go of resentments.

“Letting go of resentments … means we accept what happened in the past, and we set boundaries for the future,” wrote Melody Beattie in The Language of Letting Go. “We try to see the good in the person, or the good that ultimately evolved from whatever incident we feel resentful about. We try to see our part.” I believe one good way to redirect our focus and come to a place of acceptance is to practice gratitude.

When I was a little girl, my Pa-Paw liked to tinker with objects and make new creations out of them. He would catch grasshoppers, shellack them, make cowboy hats out of felt, microphones out of straight pins with colored balls on the ends, and whittle instruments out of wood to create a grasshopper band in a class jar. (I have one that is not my style but is one of my prized possessions since his passing.) He also made a pig pen out of wood with pecans as the pigs and imitation pearls glued to the floor. On the bottom, underneath it, he wrote, “Matthew 7:6, [Christ said] “’Do not give that which is holy to dogs, and do not throw your pearls before pigs, for they will trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.’”

Senee Seale The Princess Guide

That was a powerful illustration that I will always remember. It means that — just like real pearls formed inside a clam shell through the process of irritation from a grain of sand — we hold great value from the irritating process of life that we have experienced. We can allow each and every experience to give value to our lives by learning the lessons, or we can choose to become a bitter victim — this choice will leave you disempowered and at the mercy of other people outside yourself, and I don’t recommend it.

I believe that we are all sacred, beautiful beings. We are holy just for existing — regardless of our past behaviors. That’s why it’s so important to guard the castle — as I often like to say — and not allow just anyone to be part of our lives or build a home in our hearts or minds. Just know that you deserve to have people in your life who resonate at the same vibrational, spiritual level that you do. If you have been functioning in low-energy behaviors such as anger, fear, jealousy, envy, drama and being in service to self, this may indicate that you have been attracting people who display the same behaviors. You can change this about yourself. Once you do the internal work, you will notice that you will begin attracting people who resonate on a higher frequency of love, joy, peace, kindness, optimism and who are in service to others.

Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives and relationships. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. If you’d like to work directly with Senée, she’s offering deeply discounted coaching and counseling rates through the end of 2020.

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Are your expectations realistic?

We all have great expectations — especially when heading into a New Year — but how realistic are they? I’m going to talk mostly about relationships in this post, but these principles can be applied to all types of relationships and areas of life.

I’m a huge Dallas Cowboys fan. I’ve been one my whole life being born and raised in Big D. While I’ve had my favorite players over the years, I’ve been a huge fan of Andy Dalton’s since I first heard about him being singed to the team earlier in 2020. However, I’m especially a fan of the dynamic between he and his wife.

Dalton said in a press conference after the Cowboys win over the Cincinnati Bangles in December that having his wife by his side and being able to talk to her about anything during his career and the transition to Dallas has been part of the key to his success. “We’re working this thing together, and I’m so thankful for her,” he told reporters.

When I was in graduate school studying Marriage & Family Therapy, we were talking about traits of lasting marriages in class one day. My instructor said attachment has a lot to do with it, and research shows that couples who are committed to maintaining the friendship are the most successful. Dalton and his wife appear to be doing just that. They are the epitome of a beautiful love story to me.

 By all accounts that I’ve seen online and on television, they are a great team and have a healthy partnership. Do they have their moments of frustration? I’m sure they do. They’re human, and we all experience moments of this. However, they appear to both be in service to each other instead of service to self.

I can look back on my previous relationships and see where I was “unevenly yoked,” as my Pa-Paw used to warn me against. I thought he was telling me to not be married or in a relationship with someone of a different religion or color, but I later realized (after his passing) that he was warning me about being with someone who had different values, character, morals, and goals than me. I also realized that he was telling me not to be with someone who didn’t respect my boundaries and didn’t value me.

Let’s face it … If you’ve been in the dating scene recently then you know that it’s getting harder and harder to find a good person. I won’t say there are no good single people out there, but it’s rare to meet one. Like a friend of mine was telling me earlier this year, the lockdown caused many people to face the reality that they were with the wrong person, and the rising divorce rate was just setting good people free to be in union with the right person for them. I think the main reason good people are hard to find isn’t because they’re all taken, but rather that the vast majority of people on the planet are in service to self.

Think about it this way: You can’t drive a car on empty for very long. Even if you put in $2 of gas, that won’t take you very far for very long, and if you’re putting low-grade, unleaded fuel in a luxury car (you, the person with the royal mindset, are the luxury car), you will eventually destroy the engine and major components of the vehicle.

Looking back over my life, I can see where I was in service to the other in my relationships while the majority of the time, they were in service to self. It’s like I was pouring water from my water pitcher into them. Occasionally, they would pour a paper Dixie cup full of water into my pitcher. It never filled me up or left me satisfied, though. I flew off the handle at times over stupid, insignificant stuff. I was angry and frustrated with myself because I was trying to accept what I was being given even though I knew it wasn’t what I wanted or deserved. I was trying to make the best of the situation and be happy with what I had. On top of that, I felt worse because they would tell me that I was ungrateful, contentious, a nag, and so on. There were times when I did display those behaviors, and I’m not proud of it. Now, I realize that my pitcher was empty. I had nothing to give to myself or anyone else. I had no clear boundaries, and the few I had, I couldn’t enforce with those people. I had to heal myself and get really clear about who I was and what I wanted in life. Once I did that, then everything that wasn’t one of my dealbreakers became nothing for me to get upset over. I could just let it all go and not sweat the small stuff.

Years ago, while going through my own relationship issues, I began to think that maybe the problem in most relationships is as simple as there being unmet expectations. So, how do you adjust your expectations? Dr. Tony Fiore of SelfGrowth.com offered these tips for readjusting your expectations:

  • Step 1: Decide what is reasonable. This may be tricky because different people have different ideas of this. One way to do it is to think about it when you are calm and cool. Many things that seem “reasonable” when you are worked up, later seem ridiculous and petty.
  • Step 2: Eliminate the word “should.” [Carrie Bradshaw on Sex and the City called this “should-ing all over ourselves.”] None of us can control other people — try as we might. People behave the way they behave for their own reasons. Instead of “should-ing” others, state needs from your own perspective, i.e., “I’d prefer if …” instead of “They should …”
  • Step 3: Recognize limitations. People often behave badly toward us because of their limitations or problems — not because they are purposefully trying to make us miserable. People are fallible and may not be able to live up to our expectations, or they may have a different agenda than meeting your expectations. Relationships have their limitations. Marital research shows that 69% of relationship issues are basically unsolvable and perpetual. Wise couples accept this and find ways to live around the issues rather than engaging in constant conflict.
  • Step 4: Be tolerant of other views. Rather than convincing yourself that others are “wrong,” tell yourself they simply see things differently than you do. No need to get angry over this — they may be as convinced of their “truth” as you are of yours.
  • Step 5: Explore ways to get needs met. The underlying reason we often get angry at others is because our basic needs are not being met as a result of the situation or the behavior of the other.

You can’t truly be in a healthy relationship if you are constantly fighting for what you think is the ideal life — often called “relationship goals.” When we allow social media, television, Hollywood, the Hallmark Channel, and society as a whole to program us and dictate to us what the perfect relationship or life should look like, we’re setting ourselves up for failure because those are unrealistic expectations. We have to go within, do the internal work and constantly check and question ourselves to find out what the right thing looks like for us.

Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives and relationships. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. If you’d like to work directly with Senée, she’s offering deeply discounted coaching and counseling rates through the end of 2020.

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How to get clear on what you really want in life

We’re nearing the end of the year … Thank God! To say 2020 has been a challenging one would be a huge understatement. However, I have to say that with all the difficulties this year, 2020 has really had its positive experiences, too. Most people begin looking at the future and making new goals during this time of year. So, it’s appropriate that we talk about getting a clear picture of what we desire.

Senee Seale The Princess Guide

I’m convinced that we have to get really clear on what we want in life to attract it and recognize it when it appears. Linda Ronstadt once sang, “I’ve been cheated, been mistreated. When will I be loved?” That’s the million-dollar question for some of us. If you’ve read any of my work lately, you know that I’m very big on loving yourself first, but that’s only the beginning. As humans, we were created to be in partnerships and relationships with others. It’s often said, “No man is an island” — Meaning: We were created to love and be loved by others.

I’ve been accused of not having the right to write about relationships because I’m not happily married nor have I experienced a loving, decades-long relationship. My response to this criticism is always the same — you have to know what you don’t want to get really clear on what you do want.

I’m big on list making because it combines thinking, writing and reading. These three things are known in Cognitive Psychology to reinforce learning. So, I encourage you to make a list of all the negative things you’ve experienced in past relationships (any kind of relationship). A list of this kind in a romantic relationship could look something like this:

I don’t want a partner who …
  • Ignores my birthday and disappears on me on major holidays.
  • Doesn’t give me my favorite flowers (pale prink roses or yellow roses).
  • Puts everything ahead of me … Family, friends, work, hobbies, addictions, etc.
  • Flirts with other women — especially in front of me.
  • Ghosts me.
  • Uses me for sex, money, to make him look good, etc.
  • Acts ashamed of me and doesn’t introduce me to his family, friends, colleagues, etc.
  • Verbally puts me down or is psychologically or physically abusive.
  • And the list goes on.

Now, you know I don’t believe in focusing on the negative aspects of anything. So, after you make your negative list, I want you to make a positive list based on this one. Turn all the negatives into a positive so that you can easily and clearly recognize the behaviors and treatment you’re seeking. It could look something like this:

The person I’m seeking in my life will …
  • Show me I’m important to them by opening doors for me, giving me my favorite flowers from time to time, hold my hand and act proud to be seen with me and treat me with kindness and respect.
  • Celebrate my birthday and holidays with me.
  • Take me out on regular dates at least once a week.
  • Make time in their schedule for me.
  • Text me regularly just to check on me.
  • Say positive things about me to me and others in his life and will tell me I’m beautiful, smart, creative, resourceful, talented, etc.
  • Introduce me to the important people in their life.
  • Act respectful in my presence and won’t flirt with other women around me.
  • And the list goes on.

This type of list can be applied to every area of life such as career, family relationships, friendships, etc. By being clear on what you’re looking for, you can more easily set appropriate boundaries in your life. You will also be able to more easily and quickly spot those who are right for you — and swiftly identify those who are not.

Everything begins in our minds. In his book, Real Magic, Dr. Wayne Dyer wrote, “Remind yourself that peaceful, loving relationships come first and foremost from your state of mind … Remind yourself of the key phrase, as you think, so shall you be.  Since you cannot physically experience another person, you can only experience them in your mind. Conclusion: All of the other people in your life are simply thoughts in your mind.” I’ve heard some people say that if someone leaves your life — ghosts you — they don’t exist to you anymore. If may sound cruel at first, but sometimes, you may need to tell yourself that people who are no longer in your life no longer exist. It isn’t that you wish negative things on them, but this is one way to release your attachment to them.

Knowing that everything exists in your minds is why it’s so important to focus on the positive things you want to see in your life. This is especially important when things seem very negative.

Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives and relationships. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. If you’d like to work directly with Senée, she’s offering deeply discounted coaching and counseling rates through the end of 2020.

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It’s Cuffing Season … Are you ready?

I’ve heard many people say that it’s Cuffing Season — Meaning: The time of year when it gets colder, and people start looking for someone to spend the holidays and winter months with. John Mayer has a great song about this called St. Patrick’s Day with the lyrics, “Here comes the cold. Break out the winter clothes and find a love to call your own … Who knows what will be? But I’ll make you this guarantee. No way November we’ll say our goodbye. When it comes to December, it’s obvious why. No one wants to be alone at Christmastime. Come January we’re frozen inside making new resolutions a hundred times. February won’t you be my Valentine? And we’ll both be safe ‘til St. Patrick’s Day.”

I used to think this was just a guy thing, but I’ve been hearing women this year saying they just want a man for the winter months. I’m not really a seasonal relationship kind of girl, but I think this is something we need to talk about.

To cuff, or not to cuff … That is the question

If this is something you’re looking for, you should be very clear about that with anyone you date. They should also be clear about it with you, if that’s what they’re interested in doing. There’s nothing wrong with a short-term agreement (of any kind) if, and only if, both parties agree to it.

Now, I must caution you about something. If you’re starting to fall for someone who has made it clear they only want someone short-term or want something casual and you want a long-term commitment, do not under any circumstances continue seeing this person. I know many of us think we can change another person’s mind, but that is a fantasy. It’s Hollywood smoke, mirrors and illusions. I can hear some of you right now saying, “But if he/she sees how great I am, all I have to offer them and how much better their life is with me in it, they will change their mind.” Nope. They won’t. Trust me when I tell you that you can be the most wonderful, loving, caring, considerate, kind, virtuous, incredible person on the planet, and it still won’t be enough to change another person’s mind. I don’t say this to hurt your feelings or discourage you. I say it because it’s the truth, and I want to set you up for success rather than failure.

What is most likely to happen is that one person will fall in love while the other is headed for the door and looking for the next person to be with. When your heart is broken and you’re ugly crying and begging them to stay, they’ll tell you, “You knew what I wanted from the very beginning. I told you this was temporary.” At that point, you’ll have to take responsibility for your actions, let them go and hire me to coach you on No Contact. (All my coaching rates are deeply discounted until Dec. 31, 2020. So, now’s a good time to lock in that rate.) You can avoid this hurt and pain by being very clear — first with yourself, then with others — about what you really want for your life. Then, you can be empowered to make the best decisions for yourself.

If you’re serious about finding a long-term relationship, you need to be very clear about this from the beginning with anyone you date. You must firmly set that boundary into place and enforce it. Trust me when I tell you that some people will try to convince you that you really don’t want that or that a short-term, casual connection could someday turn into a long-term relationship if the sex is good … Don’t believe it! If you’re old enough to read this and comprehend what I’m saying, you’re too old to believe in fairy tales or pipe dreams. Knowing yourself and what you want is the only way to set boundaries and attract yo ur desires.

Accidentally cuffed

We’ve talked about what to do if you’ve decided to go into a short-term, Cuffing Season relationship — Be upfront about it, enjoy the time you spend together and expect it to be over around St. Patrick’s Day. So, what do you do if you find yourself in this type of situation without realizing it? If you’ve read any of my recent work, you know that I’ve become a big believer in dismissing people and giving them permission to leave your life — a.k.a. letting go. I become Audrey Hepburn’s princess character in Roman Holiday and tell people, “You have my permission to withdraw (leave).” I’ve always been a believer in this, but it hasn’t been until 2020 that I’ve actually learned to do it. By practicing loving myself first, and being grateful for everything that happens to me, I’ve come to a place where it’s easier to let people go. I’m not saying it doesn’t have its moments of pain — especially when I’ve allowed someone to get close to me — but it has become much easier to do.

For feminine-energy people, part of the healing process in letting go is practicing No Contact. I’m writing a whole book about it … That’s how important I know it is. In a blog post, Lauren Gray (MarsVenus.com) explained the differences men and women have in ending connections, and how men can just disappear — even after just one date. Most of us know this silent treatment as ghosting, and I explain it in detail and the research on it in the new book I’m writing. “Men don’t respond with, ‘I’m not interested. Stop texting me!!’ because it’s easier to ignore the problem than to deal with it and be the bad guy.” Scientific research backs this up.

If a masculine-energy person actually tells you to leave them alone, they mean it, but Gray said it usually isn’t detrimental or forever. “Ninety-nine percent of the time, he wants to be alone for a while to cool down, relax, let off steam, take a break from thinking about somebody else’s needs — and it has NOTHING to do with his lovely partner. After a short cave time, he’s ready to play again,” she wrote. “As long as she doesn’t get needy or angry during this critical cave time, the relationship stays strong, and ‘Leave me alone’ or ‘I need space’ isn’t a big deal — it’s just straightforward communication.”

In the codependency recovery movement, the practice of dethatching in love is often talked about. It’s letting go of your expectations that the other person will change, separating yourself from them — both physically and emotionally — and being open to allowing them back into your life if they come back showing you through their words and behavior that they have changed — I call this approaching the throne correctly. When a connection or relationship is over, there’s nothing you can do about it except focus on your thoughts and reactions. Learning to love yourself first and being grateful for the experience (trust me when I say there are people out there who have never been in love or had someone pay attention to them at all … You’re actually lucky to have these experiences even if they didn’t turn out the way you wanted) will strengthen and empower you to make better, wiser choices and attract the quality person you’re longing to have in your life.

Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives and relationships. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. If you’d like to work directly with Senée, she’s offering deeply discounted coaching and counseling rates through the end of 2020.

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How to deal with difficult people

It’s Thanksgiving 2020, and in spite of some states enacting a lockdown again, AAA is projecting that 50 million Americans will travel this holiday. I’m all for celebrating Thanksgiving with family and friends, and I highly encourage it. However, I do realize that some people experience a great deal of distress this time of year because of toxic family relationships. So, let’s talk about what you can do to keep yourself healthy and be thankful you survived this holiday season.

I want to know what love is

We all know that family relationships should be our strongest source of love, approval and support. However, that isn’t always the case for many people. I just recently watched the movie Four Christmases, and it was a prime example of what I’m describing.

Often, it’s confusing to know if you have a loving family because many times control and manipulation can be disguised in love and care. My best friend has a friend who has a saying that I’ve taken to heart, “If it don’t feel right, it ain’t right.”  You really have to love yourself first and begin trusting and paying attention to your intuition — that strange, uncomfortable, dreadful feeling you may get for no obvious reason and the small voice inside your head telling you something isn’t right. Through practicing self-love, you will become more sensitive to your own intuition and what is right for you. You’ll also be more capable of establishing healthy boundaries and enforcing them.

Senee Seale The Princess Guide

How do you know if you’re dealing with someone who truly lives you? In his book, Identifying Real Love, Dr. Tim Clinton wrote about romantic love, but this list can be used in any type of relationship. He said you can spot true love by these qualities:

  • True love offers a safe place to be you. It isn’t driven by a desire to rescue, over protect, control or manipulate … or a need to perform.
  • True love values the other person for who they are and celebrates healthy separateness.
  • True love genuinely wants the best for the other person. It is grounded in our heart’s desire to cherish, honor and treasure another simply because of who they are.
Safe vs. unsafe people

So, now that we know what real love looks like, how do we know if we’re dealing with a safe or unsafe person? Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend give a good checklist of important qualities of safe people in their book, Safe People, which includes:

  • Acceptance and grace.
  • Mutual struggles, although they do not have to be the same ones.
  • Loving confrontation.
  • Both parties need other support systems to avoid toxic dependency on each other.
  • Familiarity with the growth process.
  • Mutual interests and chemistry, a general liking [of each other].
  • An absence of “one-up and one-down” dynamics [no competition].
  • Both parties in a relationship with God [having a spiritual life of any faith].
  • Honesty and reality instead of “over spiritualizing.”
  • An absence of controlling behavior.

In their book, Drs. Cloud and Townsend also make an extensive list of personal and interpersonal traits of unsafe people:

  • Unsafe people think they “have it all together” instead of admitting their weaknesses.
  • Unsafe people are self-religious instead of humble.
  • Unsafe people only apologize instead of changing their behavior.
  • Unsafe people avoid working on their problems instead of dealing with them.
  • Unsafe people demand trust, instead of earning it.
  • Unsafe people think they are perfect instead of admitting their faults.
  • Unsafe people blame others instead of taking responsibility.
  • Unsafe people lie instead of telling the truth.
  • Unsafe people are stagnant instead of growing.
  • Unsafe people avoid closeness instead of connecting.
  • Unsafe people are only concerned with “I” instead of “we.”
  • Unsafe people resist freedom (of others) instead of encouraging it.
  • Unsafe people flatter us instead of confronting us.
  • Unsafe people condemn us instead of forgiving us.
  • Unsafe people stay in parent/child roles instead of relating as equals.
  • Unsafe people are unstable over time instead of being consistent.
  • Unsafe people are a negative influence on us rather than a positive one.
  • Unsafe people gossip instead of keeping secrets.

If you recognize several of these traits in a person, then you are definitely dealing with an unsafe person. I can tell you from experience that confronting them will not work — even enforcing your boundaries can cause them to become verbally or physically violent. So, how can you deal with someone like this? One option is ghosting, but I don’t recommend it. If you go that route, at least be a big enough person to tell them why you’re turning into Casper the (Un)friendly ghost and will never speak to them again. A letter, email, voicemail or text message will do.

It’s important to always remember that you must love yourself first and do what is best (and safe) for you, even if other people don’t like it or throw a fit. Sometimes, walking away is the most loving thing you can do for everyone involved. However, if you are able to stay, then remember this advice from Dr. Wayne Dyer, “As the storm of a quarrel subsides, you must find a way to disregard your ego’s need to be right. It’s time to extend kindness by letting go of your anger. It’s over, so offer forgiveness to yourself and the other person and encourage resentment to dissipate. Be the one seeking a way to give, rather than the one looking for something to get.”

May you find a way to experience true joy during this time of celebration — even if you have to celebrate all alone. Practicing gratitude in every situation, every day — not just on Thanksgiving Day — will go a long way in changing your thinking and energy. Being positive and focusing on love, joy and peace — first and foremost within yourself, then in all your other relationships — will enrich every aspect of your life.

Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives and relationships. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. If you’d like to work directly with Senée, she’s offering deeply discounted coaching and counseling rates through the end of 2020.

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How to love and honor yourself

It’s the week leading up to my birthday and always a time of great reflection for me. We all know that 2020 has been a rough year for all of us — in one way or another — but it has been a year of great joy and fulfillment for me, personally. I’m so grateful for things that have happened this year that have caused me to grow and brought me great joy. One of those things was releasing my latest book The Princess Guide to Loving Yourself First. That book literally changed my life because I practice everything I write about … It’s the only way I can live with myself knowing that I’m practicing the two qualities I value most — authenticity and integrity.

In 2018, I was working in a very stressful environment, and my daily theme song was Love by The Sundays. “Love, love, love. Just love yourself like no one else. Love. It’s enough. And they can say what they like, but they still can’t take your love.” I heard the words every day, but they really didn’t sink in until I started doing the research for the book.

Senee Seale The Princess Guide

People who are in service to self will tell you that loving yourself is selfish. That it’s wrong. Why? They want you to put their wants and needs ahead of your own to aid in their service to themselves. However, I firmly believe that loving yourself (in a healthy way) is the firm foundation needed for every relationship you have in life. When you love and value yourself, you will make decisions out of a place of empowerment and an abundance of love that will be for your highest good. These decisions will also positively impact others around you even if they don’t result in the outcome they want.

As I talk about in The Princess Guide to Loving Yourself First, when speaking about self-love — also referred to in psychological circles as self-compassion — researchers are finding it is not only the key to positive mental health, but also the key to life. “Though the term ‘self-compassion’ may sound like self-indulgence or may feel like a weakness, it is actually the secret to resilience, strength in the face of failure, the ability to learn from mistakes and to bounce back with greater enthusiasm,” wrote Dr. Emma Seppala. “Self-compassion involves treating oneself as one would a friend, being more mindful and understanding our situation in the context of a larger human experience. When we can be more understanding and gentler with ourselves, identify less with the emotions that surround our mistakes and understand that failure is a normal part of the larger human experience, we become stronger and more successful in the long run … the state of your life depends on the state of your mind. So, be kind to yourself.”

I believe it’s important to honor yourself every, single day — not just on your birthday, once a year. Wordnik defines honor as, “High respect, as that shown for special merit; recognition or esteem. Great privilege.” When we practice loving and honoring ourselves, we build our self-confidence and begin acting from a place of empowerment and not lack. We learn to go to the kingdom within us to find the answers for ourselves, and we also learn how to honor others around us.

I’ve had to learn not to let anyone take my crown and lure me off my throne — meaning: I have to do what is best for me and not allow others to mistreat me whether it be in friendship relationships, work relationships or romantic relationships. Most wedding vows will have each person promise to “love, honor and cherish” their spouse, but how can you promise such a thing if you haven’t even practiced it on yourself first?

If you’ve never known how to practice honoring yourself or want to learn new techniques, Dr. Margaret Paul, a relationship expert, gave The Huffington Post these suggestions in 2015 that still ring true today:

1. Listen within to your own feelings. Many people easily tune into others’ feelings yet have no idea what they feel. If you ignore a child’s feelings, that child will feel unloved. Ignoring your own feelings has the same result — your inner child feels rejected, abandoned and unloved by you.

2. Be compassionate with your feelings. If you judge your feelings, telling yourself you are wrong for having them, your inner child will feel rejected and abandoned by you. If you are kind, gentle, tender, understanding and accepting of your feelings, your inner child will feel loved by you.

3. Be open to learning about what your feelings are telling you. Just as an actual child feels loved when you are compassionately interested in why he or she is hurting, your inner child will feel loved when you explore what your feelings are telling you. All feelings are informational. Just as physical pain alerts you to a problem that needs attention, so does emotional pain. Painful feelings are telling you that you are abandoning yourself, that someone is being unloving to you — or to themselves or to others — or that a situation is not good for you. Compassionately attending to your feelings, learning what they are telling you and then taking action to remedy the situation will make you feel loved.

4. Create a solid connection with a spiritual source of love, wisdom and comfort. Love is not a feeling we generate from our mind. It comes from the heart when our heart is open to our source of love. When you open to learning with your higher power about loving yourself and others, love flows into your heart and you feel loved.

5. Choose to be around loving people. We don’t always have a choice — such as in work relationships — but when we do have a choice — such as in personal relationships — choosing to be around caring, supportive and accepting people will make you feel loved. If, when you have a choice, you consistently engage with unkind, judgmental or abusive people, the message you are sending to yourself is that you are not worth loving.

6. Take loving actions for yourself around others. When you are around someone who is being unkind, speak up for yourself letting the person know that you don’t like being treated that way. Then, either be open to learning about what is going on [with the other person], or lovingly disengage from the interaction. Allowing others to treat you badly sends a message to your inner child that he or she is not worth loving.

7. Take care of your body, your time, your space and your finances. You will feel loved and lovable when you feed yourself healthy food and get exercise and sleep. When you ignore your health, you are giving yourself the message that you are not worth loving. When you respect your own and others’ time and space, you are letting yourself know that you are worth it. When you overspend, putting yourself in unnecessary debt, you are not taking loving care of yourself, and your inner child will feel scared, alone and unloved. Just as an actual child needs to feel safe regarding the necessities of life, your inner child needs to feel the same way.

8. Find work you love. Since work takes up a big part of your day, finding or creating work that fulfills you is vitally important. If you continue to force yourself to stay at jobs you hate, the message to yourself is that you are not worth doing whatever it is you need to do to create a fulfilling work life.

9. Create balance. We need balance in our life to feel loved and lovable. We need time to work and time to rest and rejuvenate. We also need time to nurture our body and soul through activities that bring us joy.

Loving yourself and practicing these loving actions will not only help you get healthy self-esteem that no one can take away from you, but it will also give you the skills you need to love others when the right relationship comes into your life.

Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives and relationships. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations.

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Should the No Contact Rule be used at all?

It’s funny. I’m actually writing my next book about the No Contact Rule (or as my girlfriends and I call it, the 8-Week Rule). I wrote my first blog post about this six years ago with at least two or three additional blog posts and a mention in my first book The Princess Guide to Healing A Broken Heart. These remain my most read blog posts and topic six years later, and I knew it was time to write in-depth about it in its own book because of the interest the topic gets and all the misinformation out there about it.

Any time you do work in the public eye, you can expect to be lashed out at and misunderstood. I realize that there are many hurting people in the world, and that’s why I’m here to help. I recently received a comment on one of the previous blog posts which explained that contrary to online advice being given by men, the No Contact Rule doesn’t work on feminine energy women (or men). The reader commenting was named Bill who wrote, “LOL this article is a joke, men please do not follow this advice, do not plead you are the prize.”

Obviously, this man has not read any of my recent books or he would know that my message is to empower all of humanity to live royally and go to the kingdom within us all to find answers and solutions for our lives. I do not degrade anyone. We are all unique and special and deserve to be loved and appreciated for who we are. However, I think his comments are a bit misguided if he is a masculine energy man.

Let me state clearly: I love everyone, but I especially love masculine energy men. They are so different from me and offer so many qualities that I do not possess being a feminine energy woman.

Yes, I believe the No Contact Rule should be used, but only in the way it was intended to be used. It was actually created by Dr. Patricia Davis, a psychologist in Southern California, and written a about in her book Getting To I DO in the 1990s. A girlfriend of mine told me about it and gave me the book to read nearly a decade ago at the onset of a breakup I was going through. Dr. Davis taught her feminine energy clients to use this technique to give the masculine energy men in their lives the space and distance they needed to decide if a relationship with them is what they really wanted. As I explained in blog posts and my first book, I expected the 8-week experience to change his mind and bring him back, but instead, it changed me!

I’m so grateful for that change, but I wished I had someone to walk me through the healing process for those two months instead of me waiting around hoping, wishing and praying that man would come back. I had to wing it because the world was very different in the 2010s than it was when she wrote the book nearly two decades earlier. While Dr. Davis only briefly talked about the process, I would have benefited greatly from having steps to take to heal myself during the process. This is why I’m writing The Princess Guide To The No Contact Rule.

Senee Seale The Princess Guide

Howard Jones sang in the 1980s that “no one is to blame.” I don’t agree with that statement all the time, but two people may not be a good match for each other, and spending two months away from one another having no contact (in a dating relationship, not a marriage) is a good opportunity to see if they want to be together. Never have I said that a man should plead — I don’t believe a woman should plead either! After all the internal work I’ve done on myself and the transformation I’ve undergone, I’m at a place in my life where if someone doesn’t want to be with me, I let them go. I force gratitude within myself for all the positive things I experienced with them (take a look at the 45-day guided gratitude journal in The Princess Guide To Gratitude), but I wish them well and let them go. Yes, it hurts! I’m not saying it doesn’t, but I also know that a person functioning out of a royal mindset will give another person permission to leave their presence just like Audrey Hepburn did acting as a princess in the movie Roman Holiday.

While I don’t believe in pleading, I do know that it is imperative for any person who has come to the realization that they have wronged another to do their best to fix the situation by apologizing from a humble place and trying to do something to make it right. It is so important for both parties involved that every 12-step program includes this in the steps.

As for the statement that the man is the prize, that depends. If he’s a feminine energy male, then yes, he would be. However, a classic masculine energy male is a hunter/gatherer. The prize would be the thing he is trying to catch — Translation: A man (masculine energy) is the pursuer of the woman (feminine energy) … She is the prize. It doesn’t diminish his excellent and capable skills. After all, he was skilled enough to pursue and capture the prize. So, that makes him the winner.

In his book Mars And Venus On A Date, Dr. John Gray wrote something I haven’t been able to forget more than two decades later — He said that the man is the setting and the woman is the diamond. The man provides the security and stability for the woman to shine. Individually, they are incredible, but together they are a showstopper!

I never want anyone to devalue themselves. That’s why I wrote The Princess Guide To Loving Yourself First — to empower you to take responsibility and control of your life so that you can have loving, long-lasting relationships. I’m shipping autographed copies of the book and also offering to coach you one-on-one through the process. Learning to love myself first really has changed my life, and I know it will yours too. And then, the No Contact Rule or any other perceived rejection in life won’t phase you as much because you will love yourself enough to know that you deserve someone in your life who is exceptional and that the right person for you is on the way.

Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives and relationships. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. For more information on how to have successful relationships and peace of mind, check out the website today!

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Flashback Friday: Are you looking for love in all the wrong places?

Since today is Valentine’s Day, I thought it would be a good time to talk about the most important kind of love — self-love. As I’ve been writing my upcoming book “The Princess Guide to Loving Yourself First,” I’ve been on my own self-love journey. What I’ve found is that when I’m practicing healthy self-love, I have love to give others, and I’m not needy for love from others … I’ve learned the hard way that kind of desperation can get you into a lot of trouble and unnecessary heartbreak. So, let’s flashback to October 2018 …

It’s my birthday week, and I’ve been thinking a lot about love lately — not the kind of external love we automatically think about, although that’s been on my mind too — I’m talking about the internal love no one can take away from us.

In our modern-day culture, we tend to think that the only love that counts is the external love from another person typically in a romantic setting. There’s an old song with the lyrics, “You’re nobody until somebody loves you.” I must disagree with this statement. We come from pure love. We are loved greatly by the Creator of All. We have ancestors and spiritual relatives who love and protect us, even though we may not see or encounter them in this realm of existence.

I spent an entire chapter of The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart talking about loving yourself, but it hasn’t been until recent weeks that I’m starting to realize what that really looks like.

The last line of John Mayer’s song New Light poses the question, “What do I do with all this love flowing through my veins for you?” I dare say, once again, that you give all that love back to yourself until you have someone in your life to give that love to who will love you back. That last part is very important because if you aren’t receiving love back from a person, you’re in an unbalanced and unhealthy relationship.

Lately, I’ve been listening daily to The Sundays song Love. The lyrics are profound and have really redirected my thinking about self-love.

So, killing me with love, love, love just love yourself like no one else.
Love, it’s enough.
So, they can say what they like, but they still can’t take
Your love, your love, your love just love yourself like nobody else.
Time’s so scarce where I come from
Let them say what they like, but they still can’t take your love.

When we finally realize who we are, that we ARE love and are deeply loved, no one can take that away from us. Will there be times when we feel lonely and unloved? Of course! I can’t tell you how many birthdays (including the last three and probably this upcoming one) and holidays I’ve spent totally alone. I’ve learned a very valuable lesson, though … When I’m alone on special days, I can spend them doing anything I want to do! I don’t have anyone telling me I’m not worthy of celebrating or that I want too much. I can spend as much or as little money on myself and feel very good about it because I don’t have anyone dictating to me my worth.

Senee Seale The Princess Guide

So, how do you show love to yourself? You do exactly what I explain in the book … You talk to yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you’re beautiful, handsome, talented, honorable, worthy and lovable. I’ve never had a problem looking at myself naked in the mirror — even when I weighed my largest — but It’s taken me decades to finally look in that mirror and see a divine, pretty princess who is beautiful on the inside and outside. I actually see her now, and I’m so grateful that I got to spend this existence in a beautiful, healthy body. Am I perfect? I’m still breathing, so the answer is no. However, I’m learning to appreciate all that I am and all that I have while not dwelling on all those who have walked away from me or those who terrorized me while they were in my life. I see the good in the now, and the present moment really is the gift.

I used to think that the only way a gift mattered was if it was given by someone I loved. I now realize that giving gifts to myself in love is just as important, and they come with no strings or expectations attached.

If you long for someone to give you your favorite flowers, go buy some for yourself or plant them in a pot so that you can have them near you all year long. If you dream of dancing with someone, enroll in dancing classes at a local studio and let them pair you up with someone while you’re waiting on the right person to show up in your life. If you love sports and want a partner to watch games with you, join a Meetup group for sports fans, attend college alumni watching parties or go to a local sports bar and make friends. If you love live music, go see a show by yourself — It hasn’t happened in a long time, but I have seriously had some great fun when I ended up going out all by myself. Don’t sit around waiting and wishing for things to change … Do things now that make you happy and show positive love for yourself.

Recently, I was not feeling well, and I was really wishing my Granny were still alive so that I could curl up in her lap and let her rock me in her rocking chair. I found myself sitting in my own rocking chair. I wrapped my arms around myself, began rocking and I said what I would tell any sick little child I was rocking, “I know you feel really bad right now, but you’re going to be alright. Your body is magnificent and will repair and heal itself. You just need to close your eyes, fall asleep and let your body do its work.” That’s exactly what I needed in that moment, and it was fascinating and wonderful that I was able to give myself what I was longing to receive from someone externally.

In case you’re wondering if what I’m explaining is being “full of yourself” or Narcissistic, the answer is no. (I write extensively about this in the upcoming book “The Princess Guide to Loving Yourself First,”) I was talking about this subject with a therapist friend of mine, and she seemed to agree with my distinction between healthy self-love and someone who is ego-driven or who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). I believe that people with highly inflated egos and NPD exude negative energy, while people with positive self-love, genuinely love themselves and exude that positive love to everyone around them.

When you learn to treat yourself with true love and respect, you won’t allow others to mistreat you … That’s a promise from a princess! 🙂

You can find these Flashback Friday blogs posted every Friday. Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives and relationships. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. For more information on how to have successful relationships and peace of mind, check out the website today!

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Flashback Friday: Choosing a Running Mate

This week, we’re flashing back to 2016. With this not only being another election year, but also a week when many people will become engaged, it seems appropriate to revisit this topic …

With all the talk lately about who Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump will pick to be their vice-presidential running mates, it’s had me thinking about choosing a spouse.

Trump said he wanted to pick someone who was strong in areas where he was weak. I believe that should be one of the top priorities when picking a life mate, as well. Dr. Wayne Dyer often said, “You shouldn’t marry a mirror.” What he meant was, you shouldn’t marry someone who is exactly like you and likes all the things in life that you do. Yes, it’s important to have big things in common like religious beliefs, common goals for you as a couple and as a family, but in my opinion and observation throughout more than four decades on this planet, the true strength of a couple is only realized when trouble strikes (and it always does). It’s important to have at least one person in the relationship who is strong in that area to cover for the both of them and show the weaker one how to rise up and become stronger.

The Princess Guide Senee Seale

I learned while studying Social Psychology and working as a Research Assistant studying couples in relationships that opposites do not, in fact, attract. Their differences are so great that they appear to be all an outsider can see, but they actually have many things in common which bring them together and keep them together.

So, how do you know if you’re choosing a good “running mate?”

In their book Safe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren’t, Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend recommend looking for these traits in your relationships:

  • Are they living up to their commitments to me?
  • Are they here for me only when I’m here?
  • Do they tell me “no” when they don’t have time?
  • Do they make promises they can’t keep?
  • Am I the last in a string of broken relationships?
  • Do others warn me about their patterns of relating?

It takes time to find out most of these things about a person. That is why I like the advice of being with someone for four seasons or about nine months to a year. I will further refine that by saying, you should date someone for four seasons, not be engaged for four seasons (nor living together). Once you enter the engagement phase, it can feel harder to get out of the relationship after you’ve announced the wedding date, paid deposits and promised to marry someone. It is also harder to process and accept negative information about someone after you have already fallen in love with them. In this phase, it can also be harder to accept negative information about your person and then make an informed decision of what is best for you in the situation. This is where having close family and friends to vet your perspective “running mates” is crucial.

Every single person up for serious consideration of that job for presidential candidates must fill out a long, involved background form, go through a background check, have their friends, family and coworkers interviewed and interview with multiple people. If the process is this important for a four-year job, why shouldn’t it apply to a lifetime position? I was telling a girlfriend going through a serious breakup the other day that I really understand why it was so important for a man to get a girl’s parents permission to date and marry her — having people outside the relationship with her best interests at heart is critical to making an informed decision. Consider getting some of your closest friends and family on your advisory team to start vetting the next people who come into your life.

You can find these Flashback Friday blogs posted every Friday Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives and relationships. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations.