We all have great expectations — especially when heading into a New Year — but how realistic are they? I’m going to talk mostly about relationships in this post, but these principles can be applied to all types of relationships and areas of life.
I’m a huge Dallas Cowboys fan. I’ve been one my whole life being born and raised in Big D. While I’ve had my favorite players over the years, I’ve been a huge fan of Andy Dalton’s since I first heard about him being singed to the team earlier in 2020. However, I’m especially a fan of the dynamic between he and his wife.
Dalton said in a press conference after the Cowboys win over the Cincinnati Bangles in December that having his wife by his side and being able to talk to her about anything during his career and the transition to Dallas has been part of the key to his success. “We’re working this thing together, and I’m so thankful for her,” he told reporters.
When I was in graduate school studying Marriage & Family Therapy, we were talking about traits of lasting marriages in class one day. My instructor said attachment has a lot to do with it, and research shows that couples who are committed to maintaining the friendship are the most successful. Dalton and his wife appear to be doing just that. They are the epitome of a beautiful love story to me.
By all accounts that I’ve seen online and on television, they are a great team and have a healthy partnership. Do they have their moments of frustration? I’m sure they do. They’re human, and we all experience moments of this. However, they appear to both be in service to each other instead of service to self.
I can look back on my previous relationships and see where I was “unevenly yoked,” as my Pa-Paw used to warn me against. I thought he was telling me to not be married or in a relationship with someone of a different religion or color, but I later realized (after his passing) that he was warning me about being with someone who had different values, character, morals, and goals than me. I also realized that he was telling me not to be with someone who didn’t respect my boundaries and didn’t value me.
Let’s face it … If you’ve been in the dating scene recently then you know that it’s getting harder and harder to find a good person. I won’t say there are no good single people out there, but it’s rare to meet one. Like a friend of mine was telling me earlier this year, the lockdown caused many people to face the reality that they were with the wrong person, and the rising divorce rate was just setting good people free to be in union with the right person for them. I think the main reason good people are hard to find isn’t because they’re all taken, but rather that the vast majority of people on the planet are in service to self.
Think about it this way: You can’t drive a car on empty for very long. Even if you put in $2 of gas, that won’t take you very far for very long, and if you’re putting low-grade, unleaded fuel in a luxury car (you, the person with the royal mindset, are the luxury car), you will eventually destroy the engine and major components of the vehicle.
Looking back over my life, I can see where I was in service to the other in my relationships while the majority of the time, they were in service to self. It’s like I was pouring water from my water pitcher into them. Occasionally, they would pour a paper Dixie cup full of water into my pitcher. It never filled me up or left me satisfied, though. I flew off the handle at times over stupid, insignificant stuff. I was angry and frustrated with myself because I was trying to accept what I was being given even though I knew it wasn’t what I wanted or deserved. I was trying to make the best of the situation and be happy with what I had. On top of that, I felt worse because they would tell me that I was ungrateful, contentious, a nag, and so on. There were times when I did display those behaviors, and I’m not proud of it. Now, I realize that my pitcher was empty. I had nothing to give to myself or anyone else. I had no clear boundaries, and the few I had, I couldn’t enforce with those people. I had to heal myself and get really clear about who I was and what I wanted in life. Once I did that, then everything that wasn’t one of my dealbreakers became nothing for me to get upset over. I could just let it all go and not sweat the small stuff.
Years ago, while going through my own relationship issues, I began to think that maybe the problem in most relationships is as simple as there being unmet expectations. So, how do you adjust your expectations? Dr. Tony Fiore of SelfGrowth.com offered these tips for readjusting your expectations:
- Step 1: Decide what is reasonable. This may be tricky because different people have different ideas of this. One way to do it is to think about it when you are calm and cool. Many things that seem “reasonable” when you are worked up, later seem ridiculous and petty.
- Step 2: Eliminate the word “should.” [Carrie Bradshaw on Sex and the City called this “should-ing all over ourselves.”] None of us can control other people — try as we might. People behave the way they behave for their own reasons. Instead of “should-ing” others, state needs from your own perspective, i.e., “I’d prefer if …” instead of “They should …”
- Step 3: Recognize limitations. People often behave badly toward us because of their limitations or problems — not because they are purposefully trying to make us miserable. People are fallible and may not be able to live up to our expectations, or they may have a different agenda than meeting your expectations. Relationships have their limitations. Marital research shows that 69% of relationship issues are basically unsolvable and perpetual. Wise couples accept this and find ways to live around the issues rather than engaging in constant conflict.
- Step 4: Be tolerant of other views. Rather than convincing yourself that others are “wrong,” tell yourself they simply see things differently than you do. No need to get angry over this — they may be as convinced of their “truth” as you are of yours.
- Step 5: Explore ways to get needs met. The underlying reason we often get angry at others is because our basic needs are not being met as a result of the situation or the behavior of the other.
You can’t truly be in a healthy relationship if you are constantly fighting for what you think is the ideal life — often called “relationship goals.” When we allow social media, television, Hollywood, the Hallmark Channel, and society as a whole to program us and dictate to us what the perfect relationship or life should look like, we’re setting ourselves up for failure because those are unrealistic expectations. We have to go within, do the internal work and constantly check and question ourselves to find out what the right thing looks like for us.
Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives and relationships. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. If you’d like to work directly with Senée, she’s offering deeply discounted coaching and counseling rates through the end of 2020.
