We’re nearing the end of the year … Thank God! To say 2020 has been a challenging one would be a huge understatement. However, I have to say that with all the difficulties this year, 2020 has really had its positive experiences, too. Most people begin looking at the future and making new goals during this time of year. So, it’s appropriate that we talk about getting a clear picture of what we desire.
I’m convinced that we have to get really clear on what we want in life to attract it and recognize it when it appears. Linda Ronstadt once sang, “I’ve been cheated, been mistreated. When will I be loved?” That’s the million-dollar question for some of us. If you’ve read any of my work lately, you know that I’m very big on loving yourself first, but that’s only the beginning. As humans, we were created to be in partnerships and relationships with others. It’s often said, “No man is an island” — Meaning: We were created to love and be loved by others.
I’ve been accused of not having the right to write about relationships because I’m not happily married nor have I experienced a loving, decades-long relationship. My response to this criticism is always the same — you have to know what you don’t want to get really clear on what you do want.
I’m big on list making because it combines thinking, writing and reading. These three things are known in Cognitive Psychology to reinforce learning. So, I encourage you to make a list of all the negative things you’ve experienced in past relationships (any kind of relationship). A list of this kind in a romantic relationship could look something like this:
I don’t want a partner who …
- Ignores my birthday and disappears on me on major holidays.
- Doesn’t give me my favorite flowers (pale prink roses or yellow roses).
- Puts everything ahead of me … Family, friends, work, hobbies, addictions, etc.
- Flirts with other women — especially in front of me.
- Ghosts me.
- Uses me for sex, money, to make him look good, etc.
- Acts ashamed of me and doesn’t introduce me to his family, friends, colleagues, etc.
- Verbally puts me down or is psychologically or physically abusive.
- And the list goes on.
Now, you know I don’t believe in focusing on the negative aspects of anything. So, after you make your negative list, I want you to make a positive list based on this one. Turn all the negatives into a positive so that you can easily and clearly recognize the behaviors and treatment you’re seeking. It could look something like this:
The person I’m seeking in my life will …
- Show me I’m important to them by opening doors for me, giving me my favorite flowers from time to time, hold my hand and act proud to be seen with me and treat me with kindness and respect.
- Celebrate my birthday and holidays with me.
- Take me out on regular dates at least once a week.
- Make time in their schedule for me.
- Text me regularly just to check on me.
- Say positive things about me to me and others in his life and will tell me I’m beautiful, smart, creative, resourceful, talented, etc.
- Introduce me to the important people in their life.
- Act respectful in my presence and won’t flirt with other women around me.
- And the list goes on.
This type of list can be applied to every area of life such as career, family relationships, friendships, etc. By being clear on what you’re looking for, you can more easily set appropriate boundaries in your life. You will also be able to more easily and quickly spot those who are right for you — and swiftly identify those who are not.
Everything begins in our minds. In his book, Real Magic, Dr. Wayne Dyer wrote, “Remind yourself that peaceful, loving relationships come first and foremost from your state of mind … Remind yourself of the key phrase, as you think, so shall you be. Since you cannot physically experience another person, you can only experience them in your mind. Conclusion: All of the other people in your life are simply thoughts in your mind.” I’ve heard some people say that if someone leaves your life — ghosts you — they don’t exist to you anymore. If may sound cruel at first, but sometimes, you may need to tell yourself that people who are no longer in your life no longer exist. It isn’t that you wish negative things on them, but this is one way to release your attachment to them.
Knowing that everything exists in your minds is why it’s so important to focus on the positive things you want to see in your life. This is especially important when things seem very negative.
Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives and relationships. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. If you’d like to work directly with Senée, she’s offering deeply discounted coaching and counseling rates through the end of 2020.
