I hope you are having a wonderful holiday weekend full of food, friends, family and sovereign freedom. If, however, your weekend isn’t so bright, read this Flashback Friday post from 2017 …
I was blessed to NOT be born into a family with an uncle who always got drunk at family gatherings, nor did I have one who did and said inappropriate things.
Drinking and using drugs were sins in my family, and I’m so grateful for those moral standards. However, I have been with families where at least one person got drunk, got physically or verbally violent, and then an explosion of ciaos ensued turning a nice family function into a place in which no sober, moral or mentally healthy person wanted to be.
Even if you don’t have a person like this in your family, family relationships can still be complicated. Spending too much time with people you have issues with or who try to control or compete with you can make it difficult to feel mentally healthy, much less enjoy spending time with them. Unrealistic expectations can often be at the core of the problem for everyone — unrealistic expectations of parents who want children to follow a certain career path, or family members who just want a “normal” gathering like they see on TV and in the movies, etc., can all be problematic.
In my book The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart, I talk about healing from romantic relationship issues, but these same steps can be applied to any relationship — including family relationships. While I believe gratitude is a foundation for any change or transformation (and I cover that very early in the book), I also know that forgiveness plays a huge role in that process.
For there to be reconciliation in any relationship, there must first be repentance (stating what you did that was hurtful/offensive/wrong, saying you’re sorry, changing your behavior in the opposite direction of the wrong that you did, and doing something for the other person to try and make up for what you did to hurt them), and there has to be grace given by the other person to allow the wrongs to be made right — or at least grace to let them prove they have or have not changed.
As you can see by my definition of repentance, it takes both parties doing something to bring about reconciliation. However, you can forgive without the other person. I would dare say that you must forgive for your own peace of mind.
This section from The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart explains it best:
I know someone who likes to say, “Forgiveness doesn’t mean reconciliation.” I saw an Instagram meme along these same lines, “I don’t carry any hate in my heart. If I loved you before, I still got love for you. Stay away from me though.”
It’s true that you don’t have to allow people back into your life who continue to walk in negative or destructive behaviors, but you do have to forgive them so that you can move forward in the healing process. What else does forgiveness not mean?
“You know, forgiveness doesn’t mean that you are healed or totally recovered,” wrote Rev. Mark T. Barclay in his book How To Survive A Betrayal. “It doesn’t mean you have come to grips with all that has happened. It simply means, ‘I drop the charges.’”
He goes on to advise readers that forgiveness and dropping the charges doesn’t mean that you don’t hold someone accountable if they have violated the law through “physical child abuse, physical spousal abuse, rape, pushing drugs, and so on.
“Don’t hurt yourself by chasing down the wrongdoer … You have the right to hold your aggressors accountable … Don’t try to get even,” Rev. Mark T. Barclay wrote.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you approve of what someone did to you. It means that you are choosing to not allow another’s actions to stop, destroy, or control you anymore. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you stop living your life. It means that you choose to stop thinking about the injustice and move on with your life while having the hope that God will provide justice on your behalf. Forgiveness and acceptance share the same “does not means.”
“Please understand acceptance (forgiveness) does not mean adaptation. It doesn’t mean resignation to the sorry and miserable way things are. It doesn’t mean accepting or tolerating any sort of abuse. It means, for the present moment, that we acknowledge and accept our circumstances, including ourselves and the people in our lives, as we and they are. It is only from that state that we have the peace and the ability to evaluate these circumstances, make appropriate changes, and solve our problems,” wrote Melody Beattie in her book Codependent No More.
While we’re in the season of giving, why not consider forgiving those who have hurt you? And while you’re at it, why not forgive yourself for the things you think you have done wrong?
Forgiveness is giving yourself the gift of freedom!
You can find these Flashback Friday blogs posted every Friday. If you want to know more how to have successful relationships and peace of mind, you can get a free PDF sample chapter of “The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart” by filling out the form in the sidebar on this page.
