I’m going to warn you upfront that this is a longer post than usual. However, I would be remiss and doing you a disservice if I didn’t fully cover this topic.
Songs and movies have been written about being happy, but most of them don’t really tell you how to manifest it. Love and happiness go together like a horse and carriage, and being happy is one of the most loving things you can do for yourself.
Do you ever feel like you’re watching life pass you by? Like everyone around you is living in a different existence than you? I totally get it. I’ve been there. I understand exactly how you feel. I also know there’s a way to change those feelings to resonate on a higher, more hopeful level so that you can manifest the things you really want in life — including happiness.
In 2019 during my birthday month, I started working on a book about how to be happy. It was put on the backburner, though, when I started writing The Princess Guide to Gratitude and The Princess Guide to Loving Yourself First. This topic has been heavily on my mind recently. So, we’re talking about it today.
With the events of 2020 and 2021 sill causing many of us to reel every day, it can be hard to feel happy about our lives or what’s happening around us. However, we are in control of how we feel and what we think, and we can turn our frowns upside down.
I’ve written and talked about it for years … You are powerful enough to control your own mind, focus your thinking and manifest anything you really want, but it all starts in your head.
We have to be diligent and consistent about what we allow ourselves to ponder. Like a friend just recently told me, “Don’t let that info into your pretty head, queen!” We have to monitor what we allow ourselves to see and hear — that includes social media, TV, newscasts, podcasts, movies and music. It could also include sporting events. If it causes you to feel negative emotions of any kind, turn it off.
Now, don’t just take my word for it. Let me show you scientific proof of what I’m talking about and take you through an exercise to help you put what you’re about to learn into practice.
The science on social media
You have to remember that everything you see on social media is probably not what it appears. In 2016, I had coffee with a close friend from college over Easter weekend, and she told me she had given up social media for lent. She said she was feeling so low looking at how everyone else she knew having such a better life than her. My response was, “What are you talking about? You have such a beautiful family, marriage, home and life!” She said, “There’s always someone who has more than you.”
Studies have shown that the majority of people on Facebook are lying about their lives. I’ve noticed that the ones who post photos and declarations about how wonderful their life, love life, marriage, family, children, job, house/cars/possessions are, those are the very people that things are either not-so-good or they are about to be not-so-good. I believe most people want to show their best selves, but they are deceiving others and themselves in the process.
A report released around 2017 by the United Kingdom’s Royal Society for Public Health combined previously published research on the health impacts of social media with its own UK-wide survey of nearly 1,500 14- to 24-year-olds.
“Instagram easily makes girls and women feel as if their bodies aren’t good enough as people add filters and edit their pictures in order for them to look ‘perfect,’” one research participant said.
My best friend (who works in the entertainment industry) has said to me many times over the years, “Senée, don’t compare someone else’s sizzle reel to your raw footage.” Meaning — don’t look at people online showing themselves looking their best and appearing to be living their best lives and compare that to your lowest times in life. It really makes sense, if you think about it … You can’t compare a baby’s first steps to an Olympic gold medal track runner’s winning record. The two just aren’t comparable.
U.C. San Diego and Yale researchers conducted a two-year study of 5,208 adults monitoring their Facebook use and found that being social online is not the same as being social in real life … I know, that has been harder to do in the last couple of years with all the lockdowns we’ve endured, but the negative physical health results from social media use is worth paying attention to.
“Overall, our results showed that, while real-world social networks were positively associated with overall well-being, the use of Facebook was negatively associated with overall well-being,” the researchers wrote in a Harvard Business Review article. “These results were particularly strong for mental health; most measures of Facebook use in one year predicted a decrease in mental health in a later year.”
So, if we’re following the science, then we need to be spending time, in-person with loved ones and those who make us feel positively. Let’s face it … You can’t hug someone through a screen. Human touch is powerful and healing.
Studies show that human touch is healing and vital. I remember reading one study when I was earning my Psychology degree that showed babies who weren’t touched died.
You probably know that I only like concentrating on the words of Christ in the Bible. However, this research coincides with what Paul said in Hebrews 10:25, “Let us not give up the habit of meeting together, as some are doing. Instead, let us encourage one another all the more, since you see that the Day of the Lord is coming nearer.”
Defining happiness
Sometimes, we get so bogged down in our circumstances that we don’t even remember what it feels like to be happy nor can we define it. So, let’s take a look at what happiness and joy mean.
Merriam-Webster defines happiness as “the state of being happy; an experience that makes you happy.” Theopedia defines joy as, “a state of mind and an orientation of the heart. It is a settled state of contentment, confidence and hope.”
Find your happy place
There was a time in my life when I couldn’t remember what it felt like to be happy or even have fun. I was living in another state and preparing to come home to Dallas for a visit when a pastor told me that I needed to go and have fun. I looked at him with a blank stare and said, “I don’t even know how to do that anymore!” He suggested that I go to all the places that I loved going to in the past. I did just that … I went to one of my favorite coffee shops and enjoyed every moment of being in that place. I took in all the sights, sounds and smells. I drove through neighborhoods I used to live in and remembered the happy times, and I drove through neighborhoods I always wanted to live in and started dreaming of my fabulous future again. I stayed in the moment enjoying each second and went back to that state feeling happy.
“If you are happy, if you live each moment for everything it’s worth, then you are an intelligent person. Intelligent people do not have [nervous break downs] because they are in charge of themselves. They know how to choose happiness over depression because they know how to deal with the problems of their lives … Rather than measuring their intelligence on their ability to solve the problem, they measure it on their capacity for maintaining themselves as happy and worthy, whether the problem gets solved or not,” wrote Dr. Wayne Dyer in Your Erogenous Zones.
Change your thoughts
I know through observation and experience that changing your life starts with changing your perception by using gratitude. I wrote a whole book about because I know redirecting our thoughts onto positive things will change our feelings.
“A feeling is a physical reaction to a thought … You make yourself unhappy because of the thoughts that you have about the people or things you have in your life. Becoming a free and healthy person involves learning to think differently. Once you can change your thoughts, your new feelings will begin to emerge, and you will have taken the first step on the road to your personal freedom … Ask yourself if there is a sufficient payoff in being unhappy, down or hurt. Then, begin to examine, in depth, the kind of thoughts that are leading you to these debilitating feelings,” Dr. Dyer wrote.
I know from experience that it doesn’t feel like it in the moment, but we really do have control over our thoughts and inner world — even when our outer world is falling apart around us. It doesn’t happen immediately, but we can practice changing our thoughts to happier ones.
“Each thought is precious. We can learn to think in positive affirmations. Yes, it takes a bit of doing to gain control over our thoughts; however, the rewards are tremendous,” Louise Hay wrote on social media in 2015.
“The past has no power over us,” she continued. “Even problems have no power over us. Our power lies in the thoughts that we choose to think today. Remember, there are endless opportunities for good before us.”
Like I said, happiness is something I’ve been thinking about and started writing a book about two years ago. However, the events of 2020 have made me realize not only how important it is to be happy, but also how we have the power to be happy or not — in spite of the circumstances surrounding us. Happiness really is a state of mind, and it isn’t something that just happens when outside forces align just right. It’s something we can choose in any given moment.
Can being happy make you healthy?
Every day, new research is proving that our inner world affects our outer world — specifically, how our thoughts affect our health. I’m sure you’ve heard the stories of people who used laughter to raise their immune systems and reverse chronic illnesses. Since studying neuroscience while earning my Psychology degree, I’ve been increasingly interested in how our thoughts and the actual health of our brains influence not only our mental health, but also our physical health.
When I was working as a reporter for The Galveston County Daily News, I wrote a story about this. Let me share with you some of the things I wrote …
The prescription to lower your blood pressure may be as simple as this: Don’t worry. Be happy.
A study by University of Texas Medical Branch faculty members linked positive emotions to lower blood pressure. Dr. Glenn Ostir of UTMB said patients were asked questions about their happiness and optimism levels at the same time their blood pressure was taken. “Those who were happier seemed to have lower blood pressure. Positive emotions tend to be associated with a reduced risk of heart attack or stroke,” he told me.
While the study focused on 2,500 Mexican Americans 65 and older, Ostir told me he had no reason to believe this treatment wouldn’t work for other ethnic groups, as well. If you can control your emotional well-being and lower your blood pressure, the theory is you could prevent a heart attack or stroke. While Ostir stopped short of saying happy people don’t have heart attacks or strokes, he did tell me that positive emotions tend to be associated with a reduced risk of these diseases.
The study also found that targeting the emotional health of older adults might be used as part of non-medication treatment. This could save people money on prescriptions.
How to become truly happy
I saw a meme on social media in 2015 which stated, “Happiness comes when we stop complaining about the troubles we have and say thanks to God for the troubles we don’t have.”
Is being happy really necessary? In a word, yes. Research shows that being happy has many positive health benefits, but I believe being happy not only brings peace to your inner world, but it also radiates to your outer world and expands to the people who are in that world.
Have you ever noticed yourself saying, “I’ll be happy when … happens?” We’ve all thought or said it, but delaying our happiness only creates more unhappiness. I thought I would be happy once I got married. What I found was that I had spent so many years practicing delaying my happiness that I didn’t know how to be happy once I got what I thought wanted.
T. Harv Eker has a sign on the wall of his office that states, “Practice Happiness Now!”
“Want happiness for others as much as you want it for yourself,” Dr. Dyer once wrote. He echoed Dr. David Hawkins’ idea that what you give away returns back to you. So, not only does the person you’re giving to benefit, but you also benefit.
So, how do you become truly happy? David Tuffley offered these suggestions in his eBook Being Happy: Part 1:
- Experience things fully, vividly, selflessly. Self-Actualized people throw themselves wholeheartedly into the experiences that come their way — concentrating on it fully, allowing it to fully absorb them. [Just like I did on my happy trip down memory lane when I visited my hometown.]
- Make the on-going choice between safety and risk. A Self-Actualizing person may still value comfort and security, but they know that personal growth is slow while they remain in their comfort-zone. They, therefore, take themselves out of their comfort zone as often as they can in order to create the right conditions for Self-Actualization.
- Let your true self emerge. When in doubt, be honest. It may take some courage, but Self-Actualizing people look honestly at themselves and take responsibility for who they are and what happens to them. Self-delusion is the enemy of self-actualization.
- Listen to your own tastes. The Self-Actualized person does not look for trouble, but when there is a conflict between what they inwardly know is right, and what everyone else is saying, a Self-Actualized person has the courage to disagree with the group and risk their disapproval or ostracism.
- Use your intelligence. Self-Actualized people know that happiness comes from focusing fully on the task in front of them, and doing that task to the absolute best of their ability.
- Make peak experiencing more likely. Self-Actualized people are honest — even brutally honest with themselves at every level of their lives. What they aim for is congruency between their inner and outer worlds.
- Know thyself. Self-Actualized people ask themselves: “Who are you? What are you? What is good and what is bad for you? Where you are going? What is your mission?” Opening yourself up like this allows you to recognize your defenses. The challenge then is to find the courage to let them go.
Find your happy song
When I was working as a Behavioral Clinician, I had a 4-year-old client who went through a very traumatic event having witnessed the death of a younger sibling. She was also in the foster care system and was having frequent meltdowns and boughs of sadness.
During one of our sessions, I asked her if she had a “happy song” ― a song that made her feel happy when she heard it. She began singing this terribly sad song with a smile on her face. It was so sad I almost started crying. Then, I realized it was the theme song from the last Twilight movie. I quickly redirected her, grabbed my phone and turned on Pharrell’s song Happy. She started singing and dancing all around the foster family’s living room. Her foster mother came in to see what was going on. When the song was over, I asked her if the next time she felt sad if she could start singing this song to help her feel happy again. She said yes, and her foster mother chimed in that she could play it for her on her phone.
This wasn’t a technique I learned. In fact, I was told her previous clinician was telling her to pretend she was squeezing an orange ―a stress-relieving technique that was endorsed by the literature we used at the agency I was working for ― which was not working, according to her foster mother. (That wouldn’t work on me either, especially if I were 4.)
It’s been my experience that when I’m stressed or feeling low, music always helps me. Sometimes, I just need a dance party break. The combination of upbeat music and moving my body seems to change my brain (and mood). In addition to dancing, I often have to sing myself happy.
A happy exercise
Joy/happiness is an emotion. Emotions are triggered in the brain “by images of objects or events that are actually happening at the moment or that, having happened in the past, are now being recalled,” explained Antonio Damasio in Self Comes to Mind, Connecting the Conscious Brain.
You can feel joy and deep happiness at any given moment by simply recalling happy moments in your life that triggered you to feel great joy.
So, let’s do an exercise. I want you to close your eyes, clear your mind of all thoughts and just focus on breathing. We’re going to take three deep breaths — breathe in for 5 seconds, hold for 6 seconds and out for 7 seconds.
Once you complete that, I want you to think back to a time in your life when you felt truly happy … A time when you smiled so big that your cheeks hurt and your heart was so full of joy that you thought it could burst into a Skittles rainbow. Do you have this memory? If not, daydream about a time like this that you want to have happen in the near future.
OK, now I want you to feel all the joy, happiness and love associated with this scene. Smile, laugh — whatever you’re feeling, let it show in your body. Feel these positive feelings all over your being. Hold this feeling for a few seconds.
Now, open your eyes. Are you feeling happy now? See, I’ve been telling you that you are so powerful that you can manifest anything you truly want. If you’re not feeling all the joy and happy feelings you would like to feel, keep practicing this exercise until you have mastered it.
Every time you are feeling hopeless, fearful, depressed — just completely out of sorts — I want you to do this exercise.
You are one of those shiny, happy people REM sang about, and you deserve to feel that joy at all times. Love yourself enough to practice giving yourself this gift of happiness on a regular basis.
Do you have a question about life that you want Senée to answer? Leave it in the comments or email it to PrincessGuide@BecomingPublishing.com.
Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. If you’d like to book a personal session with Senée, she’s accepting new clients.
