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How to be happy NOW

I’m going to warn you upfront that this is a longer post than usual. However, I would be remiss and doing you a disservice if I didn’t fully cover this topic.

Senee Seale The Princess Guide

Songs and movies have been written about being happy, but most of them don’t really tell you how to manifest it. Love and happiness go together like a horse and carriage, and being happy is one of the most loving things you can do for yourself.

Do you ever feel like you’re watching life pass you by? Like everyone around you is living in a different existence than you? I totally get it. I’ve been there. I understand exactly how you feel. I also know there’s a way to change those feelings to resonate on a higher, more hopeful level so that you can manifest the things you really want in life — including happiness.

In 2019 during my birthday month, I started working on a book about how to be happy. It was put on the backburner, though, when I started writing The Princess Guide to Gratitude and The Princess Guide to Loving Yourself First. This topic has been heavily on my mind recently. So, we’re talking about it today.

With the events of 2020 and 2021 sill causing many of us to reel every day, it can be hard to feel happy about our lives or what’s happening around us. However, we are in control of how we feel and what we think, and we can turn our frowns upside down.

I’ve written and talked about it for years … You are powerful enough to control your own mind, focus your thinking and manifest anything you really want, but it all starts in your head.

We have to be diligent and consistent about what we allow ourselves to ponder. Like a friend just recently told me, “Don’t let that info into your pretty head, queen!” We have to monitor what we allow ourselves to see and hear — that includes social media, TV, newscasts, podcasts, movies and music. It could also include sporting events. If it causes you to feel negative emotions of any kind, turn it off.

Now, don’t just take my word for it. Let me show you scientific proof of what I’m talking about and take you through an exercise to help you put what you’re about to learn into practice.

The science on social media

You have to remember that everything you see on social media is probably not what it appears. In 2016, I had coffee with a close friend from college over Easter weekend, and she told me she had given up social media for lent. She said she was feeling so low looking at how everyone else she knew having such a better life than her. My response was, “What are you talking about? You have such a beautiful family, marriage, home and life!” She said, “There’s always someone who has more than you.”

Studies have shown that the majority of people on Facebook are lying about their lives. I’ve noticed that the ones who post photos and declarations about how wonderful their life, love life, marriage, family, children, job, house/cars/possessions are, those are the very people that things are either not-so-good or they are about to be not-so-good. I believe most people want to show their best selves, but they are deceiving others and themselves in the process.

A report released around 2017 by the United Kingdom’s Royal Society for Public Health combined previously published research on the health impacts of social media with its own UK-wide survey of nearly 1,500 14- to 24-year-olds.

“Instagram easily makes girls and women feel as if their bodies aren’t good enough as people add filters and edit their pictures in order for them to look ‘perfect,’” one research participant said.

My best friend (who works in the entertainment industry) has said to me many times over the years, “Senée, don’t compare someone else’s sizzle reel to your raw footage.” Meaning — don’t look at people online showing themselves looking their best and appearing to be living their best lives and compare that to your lowest times in life. It really makes sense, if you think about it … You can’t compare a baby’s first steps to an Olympic gold medal track runner’s winning record. The two just aren’t comparable.

U.C. San Diego and Yale researchers conducted a two-year study of 5,208 adults monitoring their Facebook use and found that being social online is not the same as being social in real life … I know, that has been harder to do in the last couple of years with all the lockdowns we’ve endured, but the negative physical health results from social media use is worth paying attention to.

“Overall, our results showed that, while real-world social networks were positively associated with overall well-being, the use of Facebook was negatively associated with overall well-being,” the researchers wrote in a Harvard Business Review article. “These results were particularly strong for mental health; most measures of Facebook use in one year predicted a decrease in mental health in a later year.”

So, if we’re following the science, then we need to be spending time, in-person with loved ones and those who make us feel positively. Let’s face it … You can’t hug someone through a screen. Human touch is powerful and healing.

Studies show that human touch is healing and vital. I remember reading one study when I was earning my Psychology degree that showed babies who weren’t touched died.

You probably know that I only like concentrating on the words of Christ in the Bible. However, this research coincides with what Paul said in Hebrews 10:25, “Let us not give up the habit of meeting together, as some are doing. Instead, let us encourage one another all the more, since you see that the Day of the Lord is coming nearer.”

Defining happiness

Sometimes, we get so bogged down in our circumstances that we don’t even remember what it feels like to be happy nor can we define it. So, let’s take a look at what happiness and joy mean.

Merriam-Webster defines happiness as “the state of being happy; an experience that makes you happy.” Theopedia defines joy as, “a state of mind and an orientation of the heart. It is a settled state of contentment, confidence and hope.”

Find your happy place
Senee Seale The Princess Guide

There was a time in my life when I couldn’t remember what it felt like to be happy or even have fun. I was living in another state and preparing to come home to Dallas for a visit when a pastor told me that I needed to go and have fun. I looked at him with a blank stare and said, “I don’t even know how to do that anymore!” He suggested that I go to all the places that I loved going to in the past. I did just that … I went to one of my favorite coffee shops and enjoyed every moment of being in that place. I took in all the sights, sounds and smells. I drove through neighborhoods I used to live in and remembered the happy times, and I drove through neighborhoods I always wanted to live in and started dreaming of my fabulous future again. I stayed in the moment enjoying each second and went back to that state feeling happy.

“If you are happy, if you live each moment for everything it’s worth, then you are an intelligent person. Intelligent people do not have [nervous break downs] because they are in charge of themselves. They know how to choose happiness over depression because they know how to deal with the problems of their lives … Rather than measuring their intelligence on their ability to solve the problem, they measure it on their capacity for maintaining themselves as happy and worthy, whether the problem gets solved or not,” wrote Dr. Wayne Dyer in Your Erogenous Zones.

Change your thoughts

I know through observation and experience that changing your life starts with changing your perception by using gratitude. I wrote a whole book about because I know redirecting our thoughts onto positive things will change our feelings.

“A feeling is a physical reaction to a thought … You make yourself unhappy because of the thoughts that you have about the people or things you have in your life. Becoming a free and healthy person involves learning to think differently. Once you can change your thoughts, your new feelings will begin to emerge, and you will have taken the first step on the road to your personal freedom … Ask yourself if there is a sufficient payoff in being unhappy, down or hurt. Then, begin to examine, in depth, the kind of thoughts that are leading you to these debilitating feelings,” Dr. Dyer wrote.

I know from experience that it doesn’t feel like it in the moment, but we really do have control over our thoughts and inner world — even when our outer world is falling apart around us. It doesn’t happen immediately, but we can practice changing our thoughts to happier ones.

“Each thought is precious. We can learn to think in positive affirmations. Yes, it takes a bit of doing to gain control over our thoughts; however, the rewards are tremendous,” Louise Hay wrote on social media in 2015.

“The past has no power over us,” she continued. “Even problems have no power over us. Our power lies in the thoughts that we choose to think today. Remember, there are endless opportunities for good before us.”

Like I said, happiness is something I’ve been thinking about and started writing a book about two years ago. However, the events of 2020 have made me realize not only how important it is to be happy, but also how we have the power to be happy or not — in spite of the circumstances surrounding us. Happiness really is a state of mind, and it isn’t something that just happens when outside forces align just right. It’s something we can choose in any given moment.

Can being happy make you healthy?

Every day, new research is proving that our inner world affects our outer world — specifically, how our thoughts affect our health. I’m sure you’ve heard the stories of people who used laughter to raise their immune systems and reverse chronic illnesses. Since studying neuroscience while earning my Psychology degree, I’ve been increasingly interested in how our thoughts and the actual health of our brains influence not only our mental health, but also our physical health.

When I was working as a reporter for The Galveston County Daily News, I wrote a story about this. Let me share with you some of the things I wrote …

The prescription to lower your blood pressure may be as simple as this: Don’t worry. Be happy.

A study by University of Texas Medical Branch faculty members linked positive emotions to lower blood pressure. Dr. Glenn Ostir of UTMB said patients were asked questions about their happiness and optimism levels at the same time their blood pressure was taken. “Those who were happier seemed to have lower blood pressure. Positive emotions tend to be associated with a reduced risk of heart attack or stroke,” he told me.

While the study focused on 2,500 Mexican Americans 65 and older, Ostir told me he had no reason to believe this treatment wouldn’t work for other ethnic groups, as well. If you can control your emotional well-being and lower your blood pressure, the theory is you could prevent a heart attack or stroke. While Ostir stopped short of saying happy people don’t have heart attacks or strokes, he did tell me that positive emotions tend to be associated with a reduced risk of these diseases.  

The study also found that targeting the emotional health of older adults might be used as part of non-medication treatment. This could save people money on prescriptions.

How to become truly happy

I saw a meme on social media in 2015 which stated, “Happiness comes when we stop complaining about the troubles we have and say thanks to God for the troubles we don’t have.”

Is being happy really necessary? In a word, yes. Research shows that being happy has many positive health benefits, but I believe being happy not only brings peace to your inner world, but it also radiates to your outer world and expands to the people who are in that world.

Have you ever noticed yourself saying, “I’ll be happy when … happens?” We’ve all thought or said it, but delaying our happiness only creates more unhappiness. I thought I would be happy once I got married. What I found was that I had spent so many years practicing delaying my happiness that I didn’t know how to be happy once I got what I thought wanted.

T. Harv Eker has a sign on the wall of his office that states, “Practice Happiness Now!”

“Want happiness for others as much as you want it for yourself,” Dr. Dyer once wrote. He echoed Dr. David Hawkins’ idea that what you give away returns back to you. So, not only does the person you’re giving to benefit, but you also benefit.

So, how do you become truly happy? David Tuffley offered these suggestions in his eBook Being Happy: Part 1:

  • Experience things fully, vividly, selflessly. Self-Actualized people throw themselves wholeheartedly into the experiences that come their way — concentrating on it fully, allowing it to fully absorb them. [Just like I did on my happy trip down memory lane when I visited my hometown.]
  • Make the on-going choice between safety and risk. A Self-Actualizing person may still value comfort and security, but they know that personal growth is slow while they remain in their comfort-zone. They, therefore, take themselves out of their comfort zone as often as they can in order to create the right conditions for Self-Actualization.
  • Let your true self emerge. When in doubt, be honest. It may take some courage, but Self-Actualizing people look honestly at themselves and take responsibility for who they are and what happens to them. Self-delusion is the enemy of self-actualization.
  • Listen to your own tastes. The Self-Actualized person does not look for trouble, but when there is a conflict between what they inwardly know is right, and what everyone else is saying, a Self-Actualized person has the courage to disagree with the group and risk their disapproval or ostracism.
  • Use your intelligence. Self-Actualized people know that happiness comes from focusing fully on the task in front of them, and doing that task to the absolute best of their ability.
  • Make peak experiencing more likely. Self-Actualized people are honest — even brutally honest with themselves at every level of their lives. What they aim for is congruency between their inner and outer worlds.
  • Know thyself. Self-Actualized people ask themselves: “Who are you? What are you? What is good and what is bad for you? Where you are going? What is your mission?” Opening yourself up like this allows you to recognize your defenses. The challenge then is to find the courage to let them go.
Find your happy song

When I was working as a Behavioral Clinician, I had a 4-year-old client who went through a very traumatic event having witnessed the death of a younger sibling. She was also in the foster care system and was having frequent meltdowns and boughs of sadness.

During one of our sessions, I asked her if she had a “happy song” ― a song that made her feel happy when she heard it. She began singing this terribly sad song with a smile on her face. It was so sad I almost started crying. Then, I realized it was the theme song from the last Twilight movie. I quickly redirected her, grabbed my phone and turned on Pharrell’s song Happy.  She started singing and dancing all around the foster family’s living room. Her foster mother came in to see what was going on. When the song was over, I asked her if the next time she felt sad if she could start singing this song to help her feel happy again. She said yes, and her foster mother chimed in that she could play it for her on her phone.

This wasn’t a technique I learned. In fact, I was told her previous clinician was telling her to pretend she was squeezing an orange ―a stress-relieving technique that was endorsed by the literature we used at the agency I was working for ― which was not working, according to her foster mother. (That wouldn’t work on me either, especially if I were 4.)

It’s been my experience that when I’m stressed or feeling low, music always helps me. Sometimes, I just need a dance party break. The combination of upbeat music and moving my body seems to change my brain (and mood). In addition to dancing, I often have to sing myself happy.

A happy exercise

Joy/happiness is an emotion. Emotions are triggered in the brain “by images of objects or events that are actually happening at the moment or that, having happened in the past, are now being recalled,” explained Antonio Damasio in Self Comes to Mind, Connecting the Conscious Brain.

You can feel joy and deep happiness at any given moment by simply recalling happy moments in your life that triggered you to feel great joy.

So, let’s do an exercise. I want you to close your eyes, clear your mind of all thoughts and just focus on breathing. We’re going to take three deep breaths — breathe in for 5 seconds, hold for 6 seconds and out for 7 seconds.

Once you complete that, I want you to think back to a time in your life when you felt truly happy … A time when you smiled so big that your cheeks hurt and your heart was so full of joy that you thought it could burst into a Skittles rainbow. Do you have this memory? If not, daydream about a time like this that you want to have happen in the near future.

OK, now I want you to feel all the joy, happiness and love associated with this scene. Smile, laugh — whatever you’re feeling, let it show in your body. Feel these positive feelings all over your being. Hold this feeling for a few seconds.

Now, open your eyes. Are you feeling happy now? See, I’ve been telling you that you are so powerful that you can manifest anything you truly want. If you’re not feeling all the joy and happy feelings you would like to feel, keep practicing this exercise until you have mastered it.

Every time you are feeling hopeless, fearful, depressed — just completely out of sorts — I want you to do this exercise.

You are one of those shiny, happy people REM sang about, and you deserve to feel that joy at all times. Love yourself enough to practice giving yourself this gift of happiness on a regular basis.

Do you have a question about life that you want Senée to answer? Leave it in the comments or email it to PrincessGuide@BecomingPublishing.com.

Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. If you’d like to book a personal session with Senée, she’s accepting new clients.

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How to defeat fear in your life

Now, more than ever, I’m seeing people being ruled by fear. You must understand that fear is the lowest energy there is. It not only overtakes a person and paralyzes them in the sense that it renders them incapable of making the best decisions for their lives, but it is also what negative entities feed on. You know the saying, “Misery loves company.” Well, haven’t you noticed that when people are operating in fear and negative thinking and speaking that it spreads like wild fire to everyone in their group?

I’m always talking about how when we neglect going to the kingdom within, we give our power away to outside forces and people — these people rarely have our best interests at heart and typically want to control and manipulate us. Whether it’s in a work relationship, love relationship, family relationship or even your health, you must take back your power.

The only way to overcome and defeat fear is through using the high energies of love, joy, hope, faith and peace. Anything or thought that doesn’t feel right to you, makes you nervous, anxious and unable to think properly or sleep is fear based. If you’re a person reading this, then you’re human and susceptible to experiencing fear. The good news is that you can overcome it by changing your thinking.

What is fear?

Merriam-Webster defines fear as, “an unpleasant, often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger, an instance of this emotion, a state marked by this emotion; anxious concern; profound reverence and awe, especially toward God; reason for alarm.”

You may be surprised to hear that we weren’t born with fear. Extensive psychological research has been conducted on this topic for decades. Fear is a learned behavior, and like I always say, anything learned can be unlearned.

“A primary fact to know about fear is that it is removable … Enthusiasm with its immense mental and spiritual power can cancel out all fear,” wrote Norman Vincent Peale in Enthusiasm Makes the Difference.

Fear can help us get out of danger and even avoid negative situations. However, negative thinking is rarely productive and often leads to conditions like Anxiety Disorder and Panic Disorder. It’s my personal and professional opinion that fear is the basis of stress. We stress out over things because we’re afraid of the negative outcomes.

Dr. Wayne Dyer said it well in his book The Power of Intention, “There is no actual stress or anxiety in the world: it’s your thoughts that create these false beliefs … When we think stressfully, we create reactions in the body, valuable messages or signals requesting our attention.”

Scientific brain research by Joseph E. LeDoux out of New York University published in 2014 defined fear as, “… what happens when the sentient brain is aware that its personal well-being (physical, mental, social, cultural, existential) is challenged or may be at some point. What ties together all instances of fear is an awareness, based on the raw materials available, that danger is near or possible.”

What is fear good for?

Psychological research shows us that fear is both conscious and unconscious. The unconscious is more of an automatic reaction not usually even thought about until afterward — You know, the flight, fight or freeze response the body has in stressful situations. However, it’s the conscious fear that we ruminate over — that fear that takes us to the darkest places thinking of all the terrible things that could go wrong — that’s the dangerous kind that we can control.

“Fear can be a big stopper for many of us: fear of fragility, fear of failure, fear of making a mistake, fear of what others might think, fear of success. We may second-guess our next action or word until we talk ourselves out of participating in life,” wrote Melody Beattie in The Language of Letting Go.

President Franklin D. Roosevelt famously said, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” Think about that for a second … Living in fear, thinking negatively and allowing others outside ourselves to control us with threats of fear is a hell all its own. I’m human too, and I’ve had plenty of those negative thoughts myself. It’s legitimate and prudent to think about any negative consequences that could happen to you so that you can make an informed decision and an accurate plan. However, when we allow fear to overtake us to the point that we can’t feel love, hope, faith, joy and peace, we become paralyzed and unable to function in high energy — we become like an animal caught in a trap, and we have no way to stop those who are outside of us from controlling and abusing us. 

Christ talked about fear before his death in John 14:27, “Peace is what I leave with you; it is my own peace that I give you. I do not give it as the world does [and can take it away]. Do not be worried and upset; do not be afraid.” The Amplified Bible further explains, “Let My perfect peace calm you in every circumstance and give you courage and strength for every challenge.”

I typically only focus on the words of Christ, but Peter had some good advice in 1 Peter 3:13–14, “Who will harm you if you are eager to do what is good? But even if you should suffer for doing what is right, how happy you are! Do not be afraid of anyone, and do not worry.”

So, how do we actually stop worrying and operating in fear? We start by controlling our own minds.

The Fear Slayer

Buffy was the vampire slayer, and you can be your own fear slayer. You are so powerful! You can manifest any situation you choose in your life — good or bad. The choice is yours. I’m not saying it’s easy or instantaneous … It hasn’t been for me, but I have manifested a lot in my life, and you can, too. You start by taking control of your own mind and using the beautiful love in your heart to overcome the fear.

“It’s been said that thoughts are things, that they actually possess dynamic power … You can actually think yourself into or out of situations … Think positively, for example, and you set in motion positive forces which bring positive results to pass,” Peale wrote in The Power of Positive Thinking.

 We should always remember that fear is just another emotion, and emotions are meant to be observed, felt and released. “Feel the fear, then let it go,” advised Beattie in The Language of Letting Go.

Love is the most powerful energy of all. It is the only thing that can transmute fear. When we focus on love and the feeling of love, the fear is defeated.

In times of fear and stress, it’s helpful to think about things that make us feel good and happy — that could be a pleasant memory or a beautiful dream of the future. Whatever it may be, get a clear picture of it in your mind. Pay attention to all the details — the words, colors and textures of that picture. Most importantly, feel all the love and positive feelings you had or want to have and hold that for a few minutes. You can always go back to this place any time you begin to feel fear. You can even transmute or change your circumstances by taking the negative things you fear and daydream about how they could be changed into positive situations that make you feel love and joy.

You are powerful! Use that beautiful, brilliant mind of yours to manifest yourself out of fear and into a positive existence.

Do you have a question about life that you want Senée to answer? Leave it in the comments or email it to PrincessGuide@BecomingPublishing.com.

Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. If you’d like to book a personal session with Senée, she’s accepting new clients.

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Self Love Sunday: What labels are you wearing & how to increase your self worth

It’s Self Love Sunday. So, grab your favorite beverage, and let’s talk about self-worth … what it is, what the research says about it and how to increase it.

Do you have a question about life that you want Senée to answer? Leave it in the comments or email it to PrincessGuide@BecomingPublishing.com. If you’d like to go deeper and learn more about healthy self-love, get a copy of Senée ‘s book The Princess Guide to Loving Yourself First.

Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. If you’d like to book a personal session with Senée, she’s accepting new clients.

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Negative relationship labels hurt … Is it wrong to be angry?

I recently had someone ask, “I have always dated older men, but now I find myself more attracted to younger men. It isn’t a problem for them or me, but outside people are starting to call me negative names like cougar. Is it wrong for me to be angry?”

You may have heard that ladies and gentlemen don’t get angry — that it isn’t proper or becoming of them. The real truth is that anger is a natural emotion. It’s part of the grieving process and something to be experienced, observed and released.

Senee Seale The Princess Guide

I’ve said it countless times and will continue to say it — We grieve many times in life, not just when someone passes over. Any time we have a perceived loss or massive change in life, we must grieve it to arrive at a place of acceptance and move forward in a positive direction in life.

“We can have our angry feelings. We can connect with them, own them, feel them, express them, release them and be done with them,” wrote Melody Beattie in The Language of Letting Go. “We can learn to listen to what anger is telling us about what we want and need in order to take care of ourselves.”

Let it go

In 2014, all the little girls were crazy about the movie Frozen and its theme song Let It Go. There’s something to that story. When we hold on to negative emotions — especially anger — it hurts us and not the other person. I’ve written about forgiveness in my books, but you can’t truly forgive another person or yourself if you’re internalizing anger.

In his book, Mars and Venus Starting Over, Dr. John Gray wrote, “Feeling and then releasing anger reconnects us to our passion for love and life.”

In my personal experience and professional observation, a person can go back and forth between the stages of grief until they finally arrive at Acceptance. During my darkest time while grieving the loss of a relationship, I went through Denial, Depression, Denial, Bargaining, Denial, Depression, Anger, Depression, Anger, Anger, Anger (I was never allowed to feel it before, so it took its toll in this process), and finally Acceptance.

“We can feel angry without hurting or abusing others or ourselves … If we don’t feel our angry feelings today, we will need to face them tomorrow,” wrote Beattie.

Dr. Gray talked about grieving the loss of love in his book, but this insight can be applied to grieving, in general. “Grieving … means fully feeling and then releasing all the painful emotions that come up when we reflect on our loss … Yet, another mistake is not giving ourselves permission to experience all our feelings,” he wrote.

When I was studying Marriage & Family Psychology in undergrad, my professor said anger is a beneficial emotion. She described it as “powerful but alienating.” She said the best way to deal with anger is to let it all out — venting does not solve the problem.

How to let it all out

So, how do we let anger all out without causing damage to ourselves or others? What’s the healthy way to be angry?

I remember having a conversation about this with a therapist friend of mine who also happens to be a Christian. I was talking about how Paul said in Ephesians 4 to “be angry, but do no sin.” I asked her, “What does that ‘do not sin’ part look like?” She said it means to feel angry about something but don’t go burn someone’s house down or destroy their car with a baseball bat.

In the past, some therapists have suggested having a pillow fight or using foam bats. Today, there are rage rooms where you can pay to go destroy property with a real baseball bat. I think exercising or using a punching bag with boxing gloves may be a heathier alternative that benefits both the body and brain. Dr. Daniel Amen would probably agree with me.

“[Exercise] releases endorphins that induce a sense of well-being … Exercise also increases blood flow throughout the brain which nourishes it so that it can function properly,” he wrote in Change Your Brain, Change Your Life. “Exercise can also be very helpful in calming worries and increasing cognitive flexibility … [it raises] brain serotonin levels.”

I believe in releasing emotions through the body — especially the hands. Writing with pen and paper is an effective way to get negative emotions out of the body in a healthy way while giving you the space to be completely open, honest and transparent. I do recommend destroying the paper after you finish so that no one can use it against you. I find burning it especially beneficial. There’s something about those negative emotions going up in smoke that is therapeutic and spiritual at the same time. If you need to, get in a place where no one can hear or bother you and scream and ugly cry — I mean that kind of cry where snot is running down your face, ugly cry.

However you choose to feel and release your anger, know that it is just a tool to get you to the ultimate goal of acceptance. Merriam-Webster defines the root word accept as “endure without protest or reaction; to recognize as true.” Personally, I don’t think acceptance means that we have to like what is, but we have to acknowledge that it is what it is and be alright with it — not let it bother us.

Beattie advised that you tell yourself, “I know this is exactly the way it’s supposed to be for the moment.” That’s a very freeing statement that comes with a lot of hope in the way I read it. Accepting yourself and your situation, knowing that it is only momentary and that you give it your full permission and faith to change in a positive way is very empowering. So, be angry if you need to, feel it, release it and move forward in a positive direction — just do the next right thing for yourself.

Do you have a question about life that you want Senée to answer? Leave it in the comments or email it to PrincessGuide@BecomingPublishing.com.

Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives and relationships. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. If you’d like to schedule a personal session with Senée, she’s accepting new clients.

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Self Love Sunday: Love yourself like no one else

Grab your favorite beverage and join me as we talk about ways to love yourself like no one else. Self-love really is an inside job. No one can give it to you, but no one can also take it away. Check out the exercise in this episode, and comment below to tell me how it worked for you. It isn’t a one-time thing, but with practice and time, this exercise will strengthen your confidence and self-love.

Do you have a question about life that you want Senée to answer? Leave it in the comments or email it to PrincessGuide@BecomingPublishing.com. If you’d like to go deeper and learn more about healthy self-love, get a copy of Senée ‘s book The Princess Guide to Loving Yourself First.

Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives and relationships. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. If you’d like to schedule a personal session with Senée, she’s accepting new clients.

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Self Love Sunday: What is self-love and what self-love is not

On this Self Love Sunday episode, we’re talking all about what self-love is and what it is not. Watch to the end because I have a special exercise for you to do! I want to know what you’re learning about self-love and how you are implementing these things into your life. So, leave a comment here!

Do you have a question about life that you want Senée to answer? Leave it in the comments or email it to PrincessGuide@BecomingPublishing.com. If you’d like to go deeper and learn more about healthy self-love, get a copy of Senée ‘s book The Princess Guide to Loving Yourself First.

Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. If you’d like to schedule a personal session with Senée, she’s accepting new clients.

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Music can heal an aching heart — What can I do to get over my break up?

The hardest part of a breakup is really grieving the loss of the relationship — or the loss of the dream of what it could have been. Now, I’m hearing Tiffany from the 80s singing, “Could have been so beautiful. Could have been so right.”

Music is powerful. It has a way of healing us.

Sad songs say so much

Have you ever felt so low and just wanted to have a huge pity party in your depression by listening to music that made you sad? Listening to sad music can be dangerous to your mental health, but research shows that it could also help you get over a broken heart.

Senee Seale The Princess Guide

Interestingly, Healthline.com reported that listening to sad music can actually help in getting over heartbreak from an ended relationship. “An earlier study, published in the Journal of Consumer Research, found that people tend to prefer sad music when they are experiencing a deep interpersonal loss, like the end of a relationship. The authors of that study suggested that sad music provides a substitute for the lost relationship. They compared it to the preference most people have for an empathic friend — someone who truly understands what you’re going through.”

I guess Elton John was right when he sang, “Sad songs say so much.” When I recorded the album for my book The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart, I chose songs that went along with what I wrote about. Honestly, a couple of them made me cry even in the recording studio as I was singing them. They hit close to home, and I obviously wasn’t over it at the time. That just told me I had more work to do, and I did.

Take action

So, what can you do to allow music to change your mood? In 2013, USA Today published a list of 20 scientifically-proven benefits of music. Some of those included the following action steps:

  • Ease pain. [Listening to] “music can meaningfully reduce the perceived intensity of pain …”
  • Increase workout endurance. “When we’re focusing on a favorite album, we may not notice that we just ran an extra mile.”
  • Reduce stress. “Research has found that listening to music can relieve stress by triggering biochemical stress reducers.”
  • Relieve symptoms of depression. “Research suggests the kind of music matters: Classical and meditative sounds seem to be particularly uplifting, whereas heavy metal and techno can actually make depressive symptoms worse.”
  • Elevate mood. “A 2013 study found that music helped put people in a better mood and get in touch with their feelings.”
  • Help people perform better in high-pressure situations. “One study found that basketball players prone to performing poorly under pressure during games were significantly better during high-pressure free-throw shooting if they first listened to catchy, upbeat music and lyrics.”
  • Elevate mood while driving. The reporter suggests listening to your favorite songs the next time you find yourself in a traffic jam to help keep your mood in check. I’ve also had dance parties in the car when I was really in need of an attitude change and safely stopped at a red light.
Give it time

When I was training as a Qualified Mental Health Professional working with children and families, our trainer talked one day about the difference between grief and depression. He explained that depression is thought to be caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain, and it can be treated with medication. Grief, on the other hand, always involves a loss — it is the pain of not getting something you desperately wanted — and may or may not have depression symptoms. If depression is present, then medication can be prescribed. However, the treatment for grief is always talk therapy.

I’ve often said that we grieve many times in our lives — not only when someone dies, but also any time we experience a loss. Getting through the grieving process and coming to a place of acceptance is part of the healing process.

“With the loss of love, our lives are immediately transformed,” wrote Dr. John Gray in Mars and Venus Starting Over. “Grieving the loss of love means fully feeling and then releasing all the painful emotions that come up when we reflect on our loss … one common mistake is to move on too quickly, not giving ourselves enough time to grieve. Yet, another mistake is not giving ourselves permission to experience all our feelings.”

You’re probably familiar with the stages of grief: denial, blame, intense emotions (often displayed in anger or deep sadness), bargaining and acceptance. In my experience and observation, a person can go back and forth between these stages until they finally arrive at acceptance.

Our trainer asked our group what is the timeframe for a person to stop grieving? When will they be finished? There were as many answers as there were people in the room, but he echoed my statement — They’re finished whenever they’re finished.

As I explain in The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart, you may think you worked through a step and have gone on to another one, only to realize that you still have issues in that area. It’s perfectly fine (and normal) to go back and deal with it. The same holds true for grieving. My trainer said you know when a client is improving because the intense pain lessens, and they cycle through the stages of grief less frequently.

Be gentle with yourself. Do the internal work by feeling all the emotions that come up and releasing them. Give it time. You will get through it, I promise. You’ll also come out better than ever, if you take the time you need to fully heal. Rushing the process only leads to baggage that you’ll have to deal with eventually.

Get a guide

Sometimes, we need help from others to guide us through a process. “Studies have shown that the small sliver of people (8%) who do actually stick with their goals and finally achieve them do one thing differently — They get help. It’s as simple as that. They find someone who can take them by the hand (someone who has already done what they’re trying to do), and they ask this person to show them the way,” wrote Author John Assarf in a newsletter.

When I say I can relate to what you may be going through, I really can. During the time of writing my first book on healing a broken heart, I was healing from my own broken heart. I have been through marriage issues, relationship breakups, unrequited love and friends and family problems. In short, I know what it’s like to be truly broken.

Earnest Hemingway wrote, “We are all broken … That’s how the light gets in.” I believe that statement to be true. I absolutely adore stained glass windows, but those beautiful pieces of art would never be made without first breaking whole glass. Don’t let the brokenness in your life fool you … God can do great things with broken people.

I’m here to help as a life guide or spiritual/Christian counselor if you need someone with the clinical, research and life experience of healing a broken heart to walk beside you during this process. In the meantime, know without a shadow of a doubt that things can only get better. Think positively about your life. Dream big dreams, and have a dance party by yourself. You’re worth it, you deserve it and you will get through it.

Do you have a question about life that you want Senée to answer? Leave it in the comments or email it to PrincessGuide@BecomingPublishing.com.

Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. If you’d like to work directly with Senée, she’s accepting new clients.

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Self Love Sunday: Who are you?

How easy is it for you to answer the question, “Who are you?” We’re in my kitchen today chatting about life. I’ll take you through a short exercise to discover if you have any areas you may want to work on. So, grab a cup of tea (or the beverage of your choice), click the video and let’s talk about self-worth and who you really are.

Do you have a question about life that you want Senée to answer? Leave it in the comments or email it to PrincessGuide@BecomingPublishing.com. If you’d like to go deeper and learn more about healthy self-love, get a copy of Senée ‘s book The Princess Guide to Loving Yourself First.

Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. If you’d like to work directly with Senée, she’s accepting new clients.

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Overcoming trust issues

In 2018, I was listening to a very successful entrepreneur taking questions from audience members at one of his talks. When he asked a woman if she had considered getting a business partner who had more experience in business than she did, her response was, “I have trust issues!” Can you relate? I admired her self-awareness and honesty.

Often, people who have been in toxic relationships find it hard to trust. Repeated times of trusting people who have proven to be less than trustworthy make it hard to believe in others or even ourselves.

There was a time in my life when I would mourn the loss of a person or opportunity for a long time while thinking that my life was over and nothing good would come to replace that perceived loss. I had trust issues.

The Urban Dictionary defines trust issues as, “When a person has trouble trusting others due to betrayal or other personal reasons … Trust issues cause a lot of issues in future events and can cause disappointment and missing out on important situations in life.”

I absolutely agree. Some people say trust is earned. Others say trust is freely given and up to the other person to lose. Either way, if you’re self-aware enough to know that you have them, it’s up to you to deal with them by doing the internal work.

Healing begins with forgiveness

Healing trust issues begins with an f-word — forgiveness. You literally have to f- it … forgive it. In order to trust anyone again, you will need to forgive — yourself and all those who have hurt or mistreated you.

“Forgiveness is a powerful friend … It simply means to drop the charges,” wrote Mark T. Barclay in his book, How to Survive a Betrayal. “To forgive is to put it in God’s hands, and not seek personal vengeance. If you don’t forgive, you will become bitter, hurting only yourself.”

Webster Illustrated Contemporary Dictionary defines forgiveness as, “the act of forgiving — to grant pardon for or remission of (something); to cease to blame or feel resentment against.” You have to stop blaming yourself for your mistakes or for trusting untrustworthy people. You have to stop blaming other people for the wrongs they have done to you. I’m not in any way suggesting that you excuse the behavior or allow it to continue. I’m simply saying that you show grace and give space for the other person to change their behavior — even if that means that you physically separate yourself from them while wishing them well and sending them good thoughts.

You’ll often hear that you have to forgive and forget. I believe forgetting is a mistake that leads to being mistreated again. However, I’ve found that over time, when you become healthier, you let go of the pain and forget much of the wrongs that have been done to you. “You must find a way to forgive. ‘Forget’ will come even harder and much slower. Even so, for your own sake, you must deal with this deep wound,” Barclay wrote.

Practice gratitude

It’s my opinion that at the core of trust issues is rejection. When a person doesn’t keep their word to us or mistreats us, that isn’t just disappointing — it becomes a form of rejection. We often think of rejection as being a negative thing, but by changing the way we look at rejection, we can change our whole outlook and trust again.

Back in 2018 when I was looking over my life, I allowed myself to feel the love and joy in particular moments in my existence and was grateful that I was honored to experience them. I also looked at the deep, deep rejection I’ve felt from people. I realized that if they had not rejected me, I would have been in a miserable position, at the very least. In some cases, it could have cost me my life.

It’s taken a lot of internal work, but I’m so grateful that I can see that the rejection I thought would kill me was actually protection from something much worse — jobs, people, situations … you name it. It becomes much easier to look at rejection through this lens.

No matter what you have encountered, just know that you were made for great things. You have seeds of greatness within you … Let them out. Also, trust yourself and that small voice inside you (your intuition) to guide you into making better choices. Like my best friend’s friend said, “If it don’t feel right, it ain’t right.” Allow people to show you who they really are through their words and behaviors. If they prove to be something you don’t want in your life, trust that feeling.

Trust yourself, then others

In her book, The Language of Letting Go, Melody Beattie said the key to trusting others is to trust yourself first. “The most important trust issue we face is learning to trust ourselves. The most detrimental thing that’s happened to us is that we came to believe we couldn’t trust ourselves,” she explained.

I know from experience and observation that relationships are one continual cycle of messing up, fessing up and forgiving. We must be willing and prepared to ask for forgiveness and grant forgiveness — to ourselves and others.

Psychology Today offered these expert tips on how to trust others again:

  • Give it time. Over a period of time, your trust can be rebuilt with repeated positive experiences … when a [person] consistently demonstrates [his or her] reliability, despite your more critical evaluation of [his or her] actions, [he or she] might earn your trust.
  • Acknowledge and evaluate. To trust a partner again, betrayal must be acknowledged. The wrongdoer must admit that he or she has inflicted a deep hurt and the victim must look at what he or she could have done to make things different.
  • Look for the good. Trust yourself to stop damning people as a whole, no matter how badly they now behave. Then, you may help them to become more trustworthy.
  • Go inside. The way back to trust is counterintuitive: The issue is whether we can trust ourselves to make wise decisions.

Beattie agrees, “Self-trust is a healing gift we can give ourselves. How do we acquire it? We learn it. What do we do about our mistakes, about those times we thought we could trust ourselves but were wrong? We accept them, and trust ourselves anyway.

“Trust ourselves, and we will know whom to trust. Trust ourselves, and we will know what to do. When we feel we absolutely cannot trust ourselves, trust that God will guide us into truth,” she explained.

I have an older attorney friend who has told me over the years, “Trust but verify.” That means giving people the opportunity to prove they are who they say they are and back up their words and promises with positive actions

Set boundaries, but stay open

I’ve been talking a lot lately about boundary setting and being open. Like I said in a video on dating, every castle has a wall around it, but make sure there is also a gate in it to allow the right person inside. We can’t punish every person for the misdoings of another. That’s like you being put in prison because someone across the country you don’t even know committed a crime. It’s wrong. So, don’t do it. It isn’t just unfair to the other person, but it’s also unfair to you — There are wonderful people out there that you deserve to experience great events with. Don’t rob yourself of that.

I spent some time writing about trust in my book The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart because it’s a big issue for many people. Since publishing that book, I’ve thought a lot about something — After your broken heart has healed, how do you know if it’s safe to let someone (new or old) into your life? How do you know if you can trust the person who broke your heart?

Now, I know a lot of people will say you can never trust someone who hurt you. You most definitely need to exhibit caution in these circumstances, but I don’t believe you should write someone off altogether. Again, I will say, give grace and space for a person to change their behavior and make things right. If they choose not to do so, that is your answer. Move on. People can change … It doesn’t happen often, but it does happen.

Your job is to set appropriate boundaries and be open to allowing the right people into your life who prove they are trustworthy through consistently backing up their words with actions. Just like I say about how loving yourself first will equip you to love others well, by practicing trusting yourself first, you will know who to trust.

Do you have a question about life that you want Senée to answer? Leave it in the comments or email it to PrincessGuide@BecomingPublishing.com.

Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. If you’d like to work directly with Senée, she’s accepting new clients.