Category: Family

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Just say no — How to set and enforce boundaries

I often say, “What part of no don’t you understand — the nuh or the oh?” No. It’s a complete sentence all by itself. Merriam-Webster defines the word no as, “[a word] used to express negation, dissent, denial, or refusal.”

It amazes me how some people fight you when you say no to things or requests that you know are not for your highest good. I believe they often do this because you saying no is denying or refusing them to control you or have their way over you that would benefit only them but not benefit you in any way. I say people who act like this have character defects and often have psychological disorders. Saying no is your birthright, and you have a duty to use this word to protect yourself and set healthy boundaries.

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Setting boundaries

In her book Beyond Codependency, Melody Beattie explains, “Boundaries are limits that say: ‘This is how far I shall go. This is what I will or won’t do for you. This is what I won’t tolerate from you.’” While most of her work is focused on recovering from relationships with substance users, much of her advice can be applied to any type of relationship.

“Not only do many of us begin tolerating abnormal, unhealthy and inappropriate behaviors, we take it one step further: we convince ourselves these behaviors are normal and what we deserve,” she wrote. “We may become so familiar with verbal abuse and disrespectful treatment that we don’t even recognize when these things are happening. But deep inside, an important part of us knows. Our selves know and will tell us if we will listen.”

My friend’s friend used to say, “If it don’t feel right, it ain’t right.” She is correct. It’s in these moments where our insides shake, our thinking becomes negative and our stress level is so out of control that we scream at ourselves in an empty room when we know something is definitely wrong or off. I finally got to the point where I listened to my body and noticed that when I felt a heaviness in my chest or lump in my throat, that was a huge sign something was not right for me. These are exactly the moments when we need to use the word no.

I’m not talking about just romantic relationships here. I’m talking about in the workplace when you feel disrespected. I’m talking about in friendships when cruel words are spoken to you — and not spoken in love or concern for you. I’m talking about in online conversations when someone is bullying you to do something you don’t want to do. I’m even talking about in medical situations where you are being told to inject something into your body that you know will have a negative reaction inside of you. In each and every one of these situations, you have the right to just say no. Yes, people may threaten negative consequences on you if you don’t adhere to their intimidation. However, you must ask yourself if you can live with yourself after giving in to such unloving, uncaring, downright selfish demands.

I know what it feels like to be in these situations. I think I’ve experienced them all on every, single level. I had to come to the realization that I am too precious and divine to be treated in such a way — by anyone. Dr. Wayne Dyer wrote it best in Real Magic, “’I will send love, but I will remove myself physically from their presence because I am too divine and significant to be the subject of any abuse.’”

There is always another option to their threats. You just have to believe that, believe in yourself and believe that everything will work out for your highest good when you love yourself first and do what is best for you … They obviously do not have your best interests in mind if they’re forcing their will on you — even if they tell you they do (which is often the case, in my experience).

Beattie lists some examples of healthy boundaries that I’ve slightly modified to apply to most general situations:

  • I will not allow anyone to physically or verbally abuse me.
  • I will not knowingly believe or support lies.
  • I will not rescue people from the consequences of their irresponsible behavior.
  • I will not finance a person’s irresponsible behavior.
  • If you want to act crazy, that’s your business, but you can’t do it in front of me. Either you leave, or I’ll walk away.
  • You can spoil your fun, your day, your life — that’s your business — but I won’t let you spoil my fun, my day or my life.

“Set boundaries, but make sure they’re your boundaries,” she wrote. “The things we’re sick of, can’t stand and make threats about may be clues to some boundaries we need to set. They may also be clues to changes we need to make within ourselves.”

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Put your foot down & expect resistance

Setting boundaries is the easy part, in my experience. Enforcing them can be a completely different thing. Dr. Phil McGraw is known for saying, “You teach people how to treat you.” He wrote in his book Life Strategies that difficult people look for results.

“You may complain or cry or threaten to give them negative results, but if the bottom line is that you reward the behavior by providing a response that the other person values, then that person decides, ‘Hey, this works. I now know how to get what I want.’”

Enforcing your boundaries will not be easy. Dr. Phil warns you to expect the following resistance:

  • Allegations that “You just don’t care anymore.”
  • Emotional extortion that takes the form of threats to leave if you don’t cave in, or they could use agitated threats of suicide.
  • Guilt on your part. “You must steel yourself against being manipulated by it,” he warned.

Dr. Phil said if you think the person you’re dealing with will actually harm himself or herself, then call the police and report it, but do not cave in. Beattie agrees and offers some encouragement.

“People may get angry at us for setting boundaries — they can’t use us anymore,” she wrote. [It’s been my experience that if they have psychological disorders or use substances, they most definitely will … expect it and plan for it.] “They may try to help us feel guilty [they will] so we will remove our boundary and return to the old system of letting then use or abuse you. Don’t feel guilty, and don’t back down. We can stick to our boundaries and enforce them. Be consistent.”

I’ll add — Just say no. Mean it. Enforce it. Walk away, if you need to.

Do you have a question about life that you want Senée to answer? Leave it in the comments or email it to PrincessGuide@BecomingPublishing.com.

Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives and relationships. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. If you’d like to work directly with Senée, she’s accepting new clients.

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How to move through troubled times

I was talking with someone recently about how 2020 was a hard year in many ways, but it also went by very quickly. (Thank God for that.) Facing troubled times is part of life. These moments can make or break us, but the incredible news is that you get to determine the outcome. I always advise people to move through difficult times and not pitch a tent or (worse yet) build a house and live there. If you can be cognizant of facing troubled times in your life with grace and dignity while focusing on how you can change yourself, then you are doing it perfectly and will have a positive outcome.

Last Halloween night, I remembered something I had totally forgotten. When I was in college, I went to a haunted house with some of my sorority sisters. I am not a haunted house kind of girl. I don’t watch scary movies. I don’t allow negative energy like that around me at all because I protect my kingdom and don’t want that negative energy around or in me. However, that night. I went.

I remember standing in line with my sisters, and a couple of guys were next to us. I didn’t know them, but I grabbed both of their arms and told them they were going through that haunted house with me and instructed them to not allow anyone to touch me. I remembered standing in-between them with my head down and eyes closed. Those poor guys must have had sore arms for days after I got finished with them because I was holding on tight to both of them, but I got through it (with the help of two total strangers).

It is perfectly alright to seek help when you’re going through a difficult time — In fact, that is exactly the time to seek help. (I offer coaching services, if you were not aware.) When I was in graduate school studying Marriage & Family Therapy and Clinical Mental Health Counseling, it was stressed to us that every good therapist has a therapist. I’ve often described it like this: When you’re in the middle of a tornado, (I can imagine) all you can see are the cows and pickup trucks swirling around you. You have no idea where you are or what’s going on outside the storm. That’s where a professional or close friend comes into play because these people outside your situation can see things very clearly and can guide you in a positive direction. Part of changing your life and moving in a positive direction is letting go of resentments.

“Letting go of resentments … means we accept what happened in the past, and we set boundaries for the future,” wrote Melody Beattie in The Language of Letting Go. “We try to see the good in the person, or the good that ultimately evolved from whatever incident we feel resentful about. We try to see our part.” I believe one good way to redirect our focus and come to a place of acceptance is to practice gratitude.

When I was a little girl, my Pa-Paw liked to tinker with objects and make new creations out of them. He would catch grasshoppers, shellack them, make cowboy hats out of felt, microphones out of straight pins with colored balls on the ends, and whittle instruments out of wood to create a grasshopper band in a class jar. (I have one that is not my style but is one of my prized possessions since his passing.) He also made a pig pen out of wood with pecans as the pigs and imitation pearls glued to the floor. On the bottom, underneath it, he wrote, “Matthew 7:6, [Christ said] “’Do not give that which is holy to dogs, and do not throw your pearls before pigs, for they will trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.’”

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That was a powerful illustration that I will always remember. It means that — just like real pearls formed inside a clam shell through the process of irritation from a grain of sand — we hold great value from the irritating process of life that we have experienced. We can allow each and every experience to give value to our lives by learning the lessons, or we can choose to become a bitter victim — this choice will leave you disempowered and at the mercy of other people outside yourself, and I don’t recommend it.

I believe that we are all sacred, beautiful beings. We are holy just for existing — regardless of our past behaviors. That’s why it’s so important to guard the castle — as I often like to say — and not allow just anyone to be part of our lives or build a home in our hearts or minds. Just know that you deserve to have people in your life who resonate at the same vibrational, spiritual level that you do. If you have been functioning in low-energy behaviors such as anger, fear, jealousy, envy, drama and being in service to self, this may indicate that you have been attracting people who display the same behaviors. You can change this about yourself. Once you do the internal work, you will notice that you will begin attracting people who resonate on a higher frequency of love, joy, peace, kindness, optimism and who are in service to others.

Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives and relationships. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. If you’d like to work directly with Senée, she’s offering deeply discounted coaching and counseling rates through the end of 2020.

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How to feel joy during the holiday season

I’ll admit it … I just haven’t been feeling like celebrating the holidays this year. I know people have been all over social media talking about putting up their Christmas decorations before Thanksgiving. I get it — 2020 has been a gut punch year. I can honestly say that the events of this year have been the most difficult — collectively — that I can remember during my lifetime. Individually, we’ve all been through some rough stuff. I think that’s why being locked down for months didn’t affect some of us as badly, psychologically speaking, as it did others. However, it’s the first time I can ever remember the entire country — and the whole world — experiencing the same thing at the same time. Never would I have believed that everyone would be told to stay in their homes and not socialize.

Regardless, I’ve kind of had the holiday blahs this year. The last quarter of the year is always my favorite, but this year, I was enjoying Summer at the pool and finding myself looking longingly at it the other day as I walked by in my sweater, jeans and coat.

I had a friend who was nine years older than me, and she was like the big sister I never had. She passed away in her early 30s, but I’ll never forget a piece of advice she once gave me. She told me, “You can’t miss out on the holidays just because you’re single and alone. You have to do all the things by yourself that you want to do one day when you have a husband and family. Every year, I put on Christmas music, decorate my apartment and make cookies.”

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I hear her voice in my head saying these words every year at this time, but it was especially loud this year. So, one day, I put on Christmas music and decorated every room of my townhouse. Another night, I found myself singing and dancing in my kitchen to Christmas music on the radio as I baked gluten-free, sugar-free cookies. I felt happy in those moments even thought my life doesn’t look like what I’m seeing others post on social media. Sometimes, I think that maybe my life — as untraditional as it is (even though I’m very traditional) — may actually be what some people desire. I get to decide the majority of what I do based on my own wishes instead of having to convince a house full of people to do the things I want to do.

I blame the Hallmark Channel for some of this. If you’ve read my work or followed me on social media for very long, then you know that I was a huge fan of the Hallmark Christmas movies. Yeah, that fascination is long over. It took locking me down all by myself for a couple of months to realize that watching someone fall in love in one to three weeks and live happily ever after is something I have no interest in doing. It isn’t real. We’re all smart people here. We know that mess isn’t real, but in some way, it gave us hope and made us think that we could experience true love, too, with all the Christmas stuff mixed in with it. Yeah, I’m over it.

Some of us escape into that Hallmark Christmas world because our reality is so opposite of the happy families and fun Christmas times they portray. Melody Beattie wrote about this in her book The Language of Letting Go. “Many of us are torn between what we want to do on the holiday and what we feel we have to do … We may feel a sense of loss because we don’t have the kind of family to be with that we want … Many of us have old, painful memories triggered by the holidays.”

Beattie suggests the following for getting through the holidays in a healthy way:

  • Deal with [your] feelings, but try not to dwell unduly on them.
  • Put the holidays into perspective. A holiday is one day out of 365. We can get through any 24-hour period.
  • Get through the day, but be aware there may be a post-holiday backlash. The feelings will catch up to us the next day. Deal with them, too. Get back on track as quickly as possible.
  • Find and cherish the love that’s available, even if it isn’t exactly what we want. There may be those who appreciate our offer to share our day with them.
  • [Know that] we are not in the minority if we find ourselves experiencing a less-than-ideal holiday. How easy, but untrue, to tell ourselves the rest of the world is experiencing the perfect holiday, and we’re alone in conflict.
  • We can create our own holiday agenda.[We can do all the fun, festive things we like doing, and create our own traditions.]
  • Buy yourself a present.
  • Find someone to whom you can give.
  • Unleash your loving, nurturing self and give in to the holiday spirit.

Since I was in college, I usually buy myself a Christmas gift or two right after Thanksgiving, wrap it and put it under my tree. By Christmas, I forget what I got myself and am surprised. If you have the opportunity to drive around at night and see Christmas lights this year, do it. Not everyone has that luxury. If you can go spend time in a festive place that’s all decorated up — and it makes you feel happy and hopeful (that’s the key prerequisite here) — by all means, go. Get out and do the things this season that make you feel joyful even if you go all by yourself. Put on the Christmas music and have a dance party in your house all by yourself if you have to, but use this time to make yourself feel good. Find out what you like doing. Make new holiday traditions all for yourself. Use this time — especially if you’re all alone — to get to know yourself and what makes you feel happy and hopeful. After all, that is the magic of the season.

Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives and relationships. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. If you’d like to work directly with Senée, she’s offering deeply discounted coaching and counseling rates through the end of 2020.

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How to deal with difficult people

It’s Thanksgiving 2020, and in spite of some states enacting a lockdown again, AAA is projecting that 50 million Americans will travel this holiday. I’m all for celebrating Thanksgiving with family and friends, and I highly encourage it. However, I do realize that some people experience a great deal of distress this time of year because of toxic family relationships. So, let’s talk about what you can do to keep yourself healthy and be thankful you survived this holiday season.

I want to know what love is

We all know that family relationships should be our strongest source of love, approval and support. However, that isn’t always the case for many people. I just recently watched the movie Four Christmases, and it was a prime example of what I’m describing.

Often, it’s confusing to know if you have a loving family because many times control and manipulation can be disguised in love and care. My best friend has a friend who has a saying that I’ve taken to heart, “If it don’t feel right, it ain’t right.”  You really have to love yourself first and begin trusting and paying attention to your intuition — that strange, uncomfortable, dreadful feeling you may get for no obvious reason and the small voice inside your head telling you something isn’t right. Through practicing self-love, you will become more sensitive to your own intuition and what is right for you. You’ll also be more capable of establishing healthy boundaries and enforcing them.

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How do you know if you’re dealing with someone who truly lives you? In his book, Identifying Real Love, Dr. Tim Clinton wrote about romantic love, but this list can be used in any type of relationship. He said you can spot true love by these qualities:

  • True love offers a safe place to be you. It isn’t driven by a desire to rescue, over protect, control or manipulate … or a need to perform.
  • True love values the other person for who they are and celebrates healthy separateness.
  • True love genuinely wants the best for the other person. It is grounded in our heart’s desire to cherish, honor and treasure another simply because of who they are.
Safe vs. unsafe people

So, now that we know what real love looks like, how do we know if we’re dealing with a safe or unsafe person? Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend give a good checklist of important qualities of safe people in their book, Safe People, which includes:

  • Acceptance and grace.
  • Mutual struggles, although they do not have to be the same ones.
  • Loving confrontation.
  • Both parties need other support systems to avoid toxic dependency on each other.
  • Familiarity with the growth process.
  • Mutual interests and chemistry, a general liking [of each other].
  • An absence of “one-up and one-down” dynamics [no competition].
  • Both parties in a relationship with God [having a spiritual life of any faith].
  • Honesty and reality instead of “over spiritualizing.”
  • An absence of controlling behavior.

In their book, Drs. Cloud and Townsend also make an extensive list of personal and interpersonal traits of unsafe people:

  • Unsafe people think they “have it all together” instead of admitting their weaknesses.
  • Unsafe people are self-religious instead of humble.
  • Unsafe people only apologize instead of changing their behavior.
  • Unsafe people avoid working on their problems instead of dealing with them.
  • Unsafe people demand trust, instead of earning it.
  • Unsafe people think they are perfect instead of admitting their faults.
  • Unsafe people blame others instead of taking responsibility.
  • Unsafe people lie instead of telling the truth.
  • Unsafe people are stagnant instead of growing.
  • Unsafe people avoid closeness instead of connecting.
  • Unsafe people are only concerned with “I” instead of “we.”
  • Unsafe people resist freedom (of others) instead of encouraging it.
  • Unsafe people flatter us instead of confronting us.
  • Unsafe people condemn us instead of forgiving us.
  • Unsafe people stay in parent/child roles instead of relating as equals.
  • Unsafe people are unstable over time instead of being consistent.
  • Unsafe people are a negative influence on us rather than a positive one.
  • Unsafe people gossip instead of keeping secrets.

If you recognize several of these traits in a person, then you are definitely dealing with an unsafe person. I can tell you from experience that confronting them will not work — even enforcing your boundaries can cause them to become verbally or physically violent. So, how can you deal with someone like this? One option is ghosting, but I don’t recommend it. If you go that route, at least be a big enough person to tell them why you’re turning into Casper the (Un)friendly ghost and will never speak to them again. A letter, email, voicemail or text message will do.

It’s important to always remember that you must love yourself first and do what is best (and safe) for you, even if other people don’t like it or throw a fit. Sometimes, walking away is the most loving thing you can do for everyone involved. However, if you are able to stay, then remember this advice from Dr. Wayne Dyer, “As the storm of a quarrel subsides, you must find a way to disregard your ego’s need to be right. It’s time to extend kindness by letting go of your anger. It’s over, so offer forgiveness to yourself and the other person and encourage resentment to dissipate. Be the one seeking a way to give, rather than the one looking for something to get.”

May you find a way to experience true joy during this time of celebration — even if you have to celebrate all alone. Practicing gratitude in every situation, every day — not just on Thanksgiving Day — will go a long way in changing your thinking and energy. Being positive and focusing on love, joy and peace — first and foremost within yourself, then in all your other relationships — will enrich every aspect of your life.

Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives and relationships. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. If you’d like to work directly with Senée, she’s offering deeply discounted coaching and counseling rates through the end of 2020.

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Flashback Friday: Don’t let anyone take your crown

It’s been a challenging couple of weeks with many of us on Shelter In Place due to COVID-19 concerns. I’ve only left my house twice in the last two weeks, and the grocery run I went on this week resulted in a woman hitting me with my own shopping cart then smirking in delight when I said, “OUCH!” I’m not going to lie … I started thinking really negative thoughts toward her, but I snapped out of it and got away from her as far and as fast as I could. This is one time I can say I didn’t let anyone take my crown. Being cooped up for days on end can have a very negative effect on a person’s mental health. If you’re sheltering in place with negative people, that can be accelerated. Whether your sheltering in place alone or with family members, here is some advice from 2018 on how to stay on your throne in peace and not let anyone take your crown …

I’ve said it many times before, and I’ll say it again: I’m a work in progress. I’m better than I used to be, but I’m still not where I want to be. I want my initial reaction to anything to be that of love and peace, but sometimes it just isn’t. Sometimes, I still let people take my crown, or at least tilt it a little.

I’ve been in crisis, “Get ‘er done” mode at the magazine where I work salvaging a very late issue. I’ve been Princess Senée reporting for duty on the sinking Titanic. I’m doing everything in my power to save this ship. (I’m going to make it happen, even though there may be some parts dangling, the ship will not sink on my watch!) I’ve had the help of a couple of coworkers — to whom I’m eternally grateful for their help and cooperation. However, there are others who have just thrown obstacles in my way. It feels like I’m on the Titanic running around with my hair on fire trying to keep the ship from going under, and they’re in the life boat with their life jackets on screaming at me, “You’re doing it wrong!”

One person heard me asking for a specific name I couldn’t find online for a story I was editing. This person inserted themselves into the conversation telling me to go online (which I had already done). It was so bad I couldn’t even look at this person because, at the very least, they would have seen me rolling my eyes to the back of my head and biting my tongue to keep from saying what I was really feeling — my princess crown was definitely on tilt, and I hated it!

Don't let anyone take your crown

You see, we’re royalty. Our natural state resonates in the high energy of love, integrity and peace. When we allow others externally to bring our energy low to that of anger or frustration, we’ve handed them our crowns and are now allowing them to control our emotions. Christ told us that we are to be passers by. (Like my grandmother used to say, “Shick-a-mo-shy pass them on by!” I was not being an observer in this case, I was mad and frustrated that this person was hindering me from getting the job done and saving the Titanic.

I don’t like myself very much when that happens. I had to go home and forgive myself. I literally said, “Senée, I know you’re under a lot of stress to pull off the impossible and you have been operating in emergency, crisis mode. I know you don’t like how you acted, but I love and forgive you. I know you will do better next time and be the observer faster.”

I spent a whole chapter in The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart talking about forgiving yourself, but it has only been in the last few weeks that I’ve understood why it’s important and how to do it better. Not forgiving yourself binds you with guilt and weights on you. It can even cause you to operate in fear which is the worst thing in the world. Derrick Brose the Global Witness, said that self unforgiveness is like carrying a heavy backpack on your back and wanting to jump off a deep cliff. Instead of jumping, he suggests you take all that heavy unforgiveness, throw that backpack over the cliff and walk way divine, sovereign and free — I agree with him.

Some people feel so powerless in their own lives that they try to exert power over everyone around them to feel powerful. You see this all the time in the workplace with people who have demanding spouses. Is this right or a good excuse? Of course not! However, we have to be the observer and just pass them on by.

Any therapist will tell you that to have peace, you need to observe your thoughts and feelings and let them pass. The same is true for all the external things that happen around you. Don’t pick a side. Just say, “That’s interesting,” and pass them on by.

Billie Eilish says it best when she sings, “If you think I’m pretty, you should see me in a crown!” Don’t waste the pretty and don’t let anyone take your crown!

Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives and relationships. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. For more information on how to have successful relationships and peace of mind, check out the website today!

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It’s Thanksgiving weekend … Are you sick of your relatives yet?

I hope you are having a wonderful holiday weekend full of food, friends, family and sovereign freedom. If, however, your weekend isn’t so bright, read this Flashback Friday post from 2017 …

I don’t have nothing but love for you, and this huge snowball to throw at you! 🙂

I was blessed to NOT be born into a family with an uncle who always got drunk at family gatherings, nor did I have one who did and said inappropriate things.

Drinking and using drugs were sins in my family, and I’m so grateful for those moral standards. However, I have been with families where at least one person got drunk, got physically or verbally violent, and then an explosion of ciaos ensued turning a nice family function into a place in which no sober, moral or mentally healthy person wanted to be.

Even if you don’t have a person like this in your family, family relationships can still be complicated. Spending too much time with people you have issues with or who try to control or compete with you can make it difficult to feel mentally healthy, much less enjoy spending time with them. Unrealistic expectations can often be at the core of the problem for everyone — unrealistic expectations of parents who want children to follow a certain career path, or family members who just want a “normal” gathering like they see on TV and in the movies, etc., can all be problematic.

In my book The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart, I talk about healing from romantic relationship issues, but these same steps can be applied to any relationship — including family relationships. While I believe gratitude is a foundation for any change or transformation (and I cover that very early in the book), I also know that forgiveness plays a huge role in that process.

For there to be reconciliation in any relationship, there must first be repentance (stating what you did that was hurtful/offensive/wrong, saying you’re sorry, changing your behavior in the opposite direction of the wrong that you did, and doing something for the other person to try and make up for what you did to hurt them), and there has to be grace given by the other person to allow the wrongs to be made right — or at least grace to let them prove they have or have not changed.

As you can see by my definition of repentance, it takes both parties doing something to bring about reconciliation. However, you can forgive without the other person. I would dare say that you must forgive for your own peace of mind.

This section from The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart explains it best:

I know someone who likes to say, “Forgiveness doesn’t mean reconciliation.” I saw an Instagram meme along these same lines, “I don’t carry any hate in my heart. If I loved you before, I still got love for you. Stay away from me though.”

It’s true that you don’t have to allow people back into your life who continue to walk in negative or destructive behaviors, but you do have to forgive them so that you can move forward in the healing process. What else does forgiveness not mean?

“You know, forgiveness doesn’t mean that you are healed or totally recovered,” wrote Rev. Mark T. Barclay in his book How To Survive A Betrayal. “It doesn’t mean you have come to grips with all that has happened. It simply means, ‘I drop the charges.’”

He goes on to advise readers that forgiveness and dropping the charges doesn’t mean that you don’t hold someone accountable if they have violated the law through “physical child abuse, physical spousal abuse, rape, pushing drugs, and so on.

“Don’t hurt yourself by chasing down the wrongdoer … You have the right to hold your aggressors accountable … Don’t try to get even,” Rev. Mark T. Barclay wrote.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you approve of what someone did to you. It means that you are choosing to not allow another’s actions to stop, destroy, or control you anymore. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you stop living your life. It means that you choose to stop thinking about the injustice and move on with your life while having the hope that God will provide justice on your behalf. Forgiveness and acceptance share the same “does not means.”

“Please understand acceptance (forgiveness) does not mean adaptation. It doesn’t mean resignation to the sorry and miserable way things are. It doesn’t mean accepting or tolerating any sort of abuse. It means, for the present moment, that we acknowledge and accept our circumstances, including ourselves and the people in our lives, as we and they are. It is only from that state that we have the peace and the ability to evaluate these circumstances, make appropriate changes, and solve our problems,” wrote Melody Beattie in her book Codependent No More.

While we’re in the season of giving, why not consider forgiving those who have hurt you? And while you’re at it, why not forgive yourself for the things you think you have done wrong?

Forgiveness is giving yourself the gift of freedom!

You can find these Flashback Friday blogs posted every Friday. If you want to know more how to have successful relationships and peace of mind, you can get a free PDF sample chapter of “The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart” by filling out the form in the sidebar on this page.

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How to give thoughtful gifts

We’re entering gift giving season, and I want to try and help you out. I love receiving gifts! I’m surprised that didn’t end up being one of my top three Love Languages, but what I’m about to reveal to you may be the reason why it didn’t.

I once received a bouquet of red and white carnations – I hate, I mean the deepest form of HATE – carnations and baby’s breath (which I think should be called “baby’s bottom” because they smell just like a dirty diaper to me). If someone can’t afford pale pink, hot pink or yellow roses for me, I would rather have them pick bluebonnets, sunflowers, pink tulips or pink or blue hydrangeas out of someone’s yard than to give me carnations or baby’s breath.

I know the person was trying to do something nice for me, but it just made me feel very conflicted inside because I wanted to feel happy and grateful, but instead I felt disgusted and like an ungrateful brat. On top of that, I felt like I was being given something I thought was crappy because that’s what this person thought I deserved.

I had a husband who would always take out the baby’s breath before he gave me a bouquet of roses. Maybe he did it just so I wouldn’t gripe, but in my opinion, he loved me enough to keep me from feeling that internal conflict. That small action on his part allowed me to feel the love, joy and gratitude his gift brought to me.

We give gifts to others to show them our love and to make them happy because their happiness makes us feel happy. I received for Christmas last year Neiman Marcus gift cards and bath bombs – this person not only knows me so well, but honored me and showed me they believe I’m a person of value and class … It made me feel so much gratitude and love.

You don’t have to have a lot of money and buy expensive gifts to give thoughtful gifts. You just need to know the person and what they value. When I am invited to someone’s home, I never go empty handed. My grandmother taught me when I was young that you always take a gift. It can be something as simple as grocery store roses, a candle or a dish you prepared. When I was in graduate school in California, I was invited to a cohort’s home for a girl’s night, and I took a candle. A couple of weeks later, she stopped me after class one day and told me that she and her husband were really enjoying burning the candle because it brought the Autumn colors and smell into their home. It made me feel good that I did something to bring joy to them.

People register for gifts so that you can avoid creating that conflict within them and so they can get gifts that will help them build their homes together. I once received a wedding gift of purplish and white placemats. I hate the color purple almost as much as I hate carnations and baby’s breath. To make matters worse, there was no way to know where they were purchased, so I couldn’t exchange them for something we could use. Honestly, it felt like this person was re-gifting or pawning off on us something they didn’t want. I felt that internal conflict again, but still sent a thank you note to the person … I wouldn’t have been able to do it the same day that I opened it, but a couple of weeks later I had enough time and emotional energy to be able to do it.

The point I’m trying to get across to you is that it is not the thought that counts when giving gifts because of this internal conflict the recipient feels.

A scientific study published in 2015 in The Journal of Cognition and Emotion found that people who are more independent may experience less gratitude and feel less positively when others do something for them. I’m not sure if this is because they feel more positively when they can achieve things on their own, or if they are so self-aware and know exactly what they want that when they are given something they don’t want they feel that internal conflict I described because they hate the gift but love the giver and want to show gratitude without lying about their feelings toward the gift.

So, how do you know what to give someone? You have to know some things about the person and their values. If someone gave me a $1,000 bottle of wine, I would have to decline the gift because I don’t drink alcohol and loathe the affects it has on the brain, body and the lives of those around the drinker. I would try to be gracious while explaining my reasoning for rejecting the gift. But why even put a person in that uncomfortable situation in the first place? If you know a few things about someone, you can find something they might like:

  • What’s the person’s favorite color? What colors do that hate/never wear/carry/use?
  • What is the person’s style? What types of clothes and colors do they usually wear?
  • What is the person’s lifestyle? Do they have children? Married? Single and an active traveler? Religious? Fisherman? Works with their hands? Makes crafts/goods? Knowing how a person spends his or her free time (or how they want to spend their free time) will help guide you into a good gift idea.
  • How does a person usually smell? Musky? Floral? Fruity?
  • What problems do a person need solved?
  • When in doubt, gift cards are always appreciated … coffee, nail salons, spas, hardware stores, grocery stores, restaurants, etc. can always make a person’s life easier, and isn’t that the real purpose of a gift?

In the second The Hunger Games movie, Pita told Katniss that the only way they could be friends was to get to know things about each other like their favorite colors. He’s right. You will never be able to give an appreciated gift if you don’t take time to pay attention to a person.

I had a cohort in graduate school in Texas bring me a book because I mentioned once or twice that I liked the concepts of certain therapy types because the Bible tells us that we can control our thinking which will affect our actions … That was a very thoughtful gesture I greatly appreciated and used in research for my book The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart.

I know I’ve missed the mark and given bad gifts unknowingly. (I’ve also knocked it out of the park and given gifts that the recipient absolutely loved.) When you’re in doubt, don’t spend much money and don’t push a person for a response to a gift … If they don’t immediately contact you to thank you and show their gratitude, then they are more than likely experiencing that internal conflict because you gave a crappy gift. That’s totally your responsibility … Don’t expect to put the blame on the recipient because you didn’t pay attention to their likes and dislikes, or you gave something you thought they deserved instead of what they actually deserved.

There’s a cheesy Lifetime Christmas movie I watched last year about a personal shopper who was the best at giving gifts people deeply appreciated. What made her better at gift giving than most of us? She admitted that she researched the person before choosing a gift. Her method was so effective that it gained her client favor and business deals he could have never gotten on his own. Use her example and get to know the people in your life.

Catch these first-run Write About It Wednesday blogs every Wednesday. If you want to know how to have successful relationships and peace of mind, you can get a free PDF sample chapter of “The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart” by filling out the form in the sidebar on this page.