Category: Mental health

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Daydreaming isn’t for the lazy

This week, we’re on the topic of mental health. This Flashback Friday post from 2014 on daydreaming fits the bill … All my daydreamers, dream on (and read on) …

I’m a planner and the kind of person who MUST have something to dream about. It was a way of escape for me when I was a child, but it has really helped me get many of the things I’ve wanted in life.

Daydreaming isn't for the lazy

I remember when I was in first grade I took home a note from my teacher in which she communicated I was a good student and very smart, but I daydreamed too much. I was bored! I already knew the material she was teaching and wanted to be chasing butterflies in a field of flowers.

Kids who daydream a lot are labeled slackers and lazy, but some studies say that isn’t so.

A 2012 study conducted by the University of Wisconsin-Madison’s Center for Investigating Healthy Minds found daydreaming is actually good for your working memory. Working memory allows the brain to juggle multiple thoughts simultaneously. The more working memory a person has, the more daydreaming they can do without forgetting the task at hand.

Scott Barry Kaufman, NYU psychology professor and author of Ungifted: Intelligence Redefined, argues that daydreaming can play an important role in personal adaptation.

In a 2013 Scientific American blog, Kaufman explained that daydreaming can offer positive personal rewards including:
– self-awareness,
– creative incubation,
– improvisation and evaluation,
– memory consolidation,
– autobiographical planning,
– goal driven thought,
– future planning,
– retrieval of deeply personal memories,
– reflective consideration of the meaning of events and experiences,
– simulating the perspective of another person,
– evaluating the implications of self and others’ emotional reactions,
– moral reasoning, and
– reflective compassion.

That sounds more like working to me than it does laziness!

So, what do you do when it seems like your dreams and plans aren’t happening the way you’d like?

In his book How to Survive a Betrayal, Rev. Mark T. Barclay offers these tips for what to do when you don’t see your dreams coming to pass:

  • Picture what you want in your mind and focus on it.
  • Use faith–confession–actions to believe in it.
  • Find scripture verses that motivate you and bring you hope.
  • See yourself enjoying it. Think about it. Be consumed with it.
  • Praise God more and more for it.
  • Know it is coming. Read the verses until you are assured of it.
  • Let no one steal it from you. Listen to God, His word and your spirit, not other people.

You can find these Flashback Friday blogs posted every Friday. If you want to know more how to have successful relationships and peace of mind, you can get a free PDF sample chapter of “The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart”by filling out the form in the sidebar on this page.

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Why Christians are not mentally ill

I’ve stayed pretty quiet about this topic — not because I had nothing to say but because I had other, more pressing topics to cover first. Now, it’s time to talk about Christianity and (the lack of) mental illness.

A few weeks ago, Joy Behar said on The View that Vice President Mike Pence made a public comment that he heard God’s voice, and she said mentally ill people were the only ones who heard voices. Several weeks later, she apologized, but the image of mental illness had already been placed in the minds of the millions of people who heard or read her comments.

Christians are not mentally ill

Yes, it’s true that one of the qualifying features for the diagnosis of Schizophrenia is visual and/or audible hallucinations. When I was earning my undergraduate degree in psychology at The University of Texas at Dallas, we were talking about this topic in my Abnormal Psychology class. My professor was a practicing child psychologist concurrently while teaching at the university. I asked him specifically if you are a Christian or a minister and say you hear the voice of God will that cause you to be diagnosed with this mental illness. His answer was a profound no.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) — the “bible” of mental health professionals used to diagnose mental disorders — is very clear on this topic. “Hallucinations may be a normal part of religious experience in certain cultural contexts,” states the DSM-5 when defining the criteria of Schizophrenia.

Throughout my life, I have had many supernatural experiences. Unless you have these experiences personally, you can’t say they are not real. We are all bodies with a spirit and a soul (mind, will and emotions). Those who are open to spiritual encounters (especially children) are more likely to have them. In my book The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart, I recounted the first supernatural experience I had as a child.

At the age of 3, I had a supernatural encounter — the first of many in my lifetime. I was sitting in church with my grandfather (my grandmother was at the front praying for people at the altar). For some strange reason, I was sitting near the aisle where my grandfather always sat, and he was sitting next to me. I saw Jesus walk out of a painting in the baptistry, down the aisle and He stood next to me. He was wearing a white sheet wrapped around him and sandals — just like I have always seen him depicted in paintings. He told me to “always be a good girl,” and then he walked back the way he came. I have spent my life trying to do just what he told me.

I have always said (and will continue to say) that if you have an experience that feels evil to your core or one that tells you to harm yourself or others, then that is not God speaking to you. It could be demonic or mental illness.

Let’s look at the case of Andria Yates, the Texas woman diagnosed with Postpartum Psychosis who said she heard voices telling her to kill her six children. I covered the final sentencing of the Yates case when I was working as a reporter for a newspaper in the Houston area. I interviewed William Winslade, medical ethics and law professor at the University of Texas Medical Branch and author of The Insanity Plea.

“It’s obviously a terrible, terrible tragedy that all those children were killed, but there seemed to be convincing evidence to the jury by the psychologists who evaluated her after it happened,” he told me during our interview for my story. Winslade said the jury was not excusing the crime, but was acknowledging that Yates was insane at the time she committed it — not necessarily before or after. “But I believe that the insanity plea was appropriate given how crazy she was at that time,” he said of the Yates case.

I firmly believe that God did not tell her to take the lives of her innocent and defenseless children. God is love. God will have the Holy Spirit convict us and have us feel remorse for things we have done so that we can change our behavior and make things right. However, no loving being or spirit will tell us to harm ourselves or others.

If a Christian is mentally ill because he or she talks to God and hears the voice of God — which is usually not an audible voice — then psychics, mediums, palm readers, tarot card readers, those who channel spirits/aliens and others are also mentally ill. Think about that the next time you’re tempted to call someone “crazy.”

Catch these first-run Write About It Wednesday blogs every Wednesday. If you want to know how to have successful relationships and peace of mind, you can get a free PDF sample chapter of “The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart”by filling out the form in the sidebar on this page.

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How to trust again

We’re on the topic of trust issues this week, and as I wrote about in the previous post, this issue isn’t just one for personal relationships … It can spill over into business and every other area of your life. Learning to trust others after you’ve been hurt takes time, but can be very beneficial. Here’s today’s Flashback Friday post from 2014 …

Often, people who have been in relationships with substance users or physical and psychological abusers find it hard to trust. Repeated times of trusting people who have proven to be less than trustworthy makes it hard to believe in others or even ourselves.

The first step to trusting again is forgiveness.

“Forgiveness is a powerful friend … It simply means to drop the charges,” wrote Rev. Mark T. Barclay in his book How to Survive a Betrayal. “To forgive is to put it in God’s hands, and not seek personal vengeance. If you don’t forgive, you will become bitter, hurting only yourself.”

You’ll often hear that you have to forgive and forget. I believe forgetting is a mistake that leads to being duped again. But I’ve found, over time, when you become healthier you let go of the pain and forget much of the wrongs that have been done to you.

“You must find a way to forgive. ‘Forget’ will come even harder and much slower. Even so, for your own sake, you must deal with this deep wound, ” Barclay wrote.

In her book The Language of Letting Go, Melody Beattie said the key to trusting others is to trust yourself first.

“The most important trust issue we face is learning to trust ourselves. The most detrimental thing that’s happened to us is that we came to believe we couldn’t trust ourselves,” she explained.

Psychology Today offers these expert tips on how to trust others again:

  • Give it time. Over a period of time, your trust can be rebuilt with repeated positive experiences … when a man consistently demonstrates his reliability, despite your more critical evaluation of his actions, he might earn your trust.
  • Acknowledge and evaluate. To trust a partner again, betrayal must be acknowledged. The wrongdoer must admit that he or she has inflicted a deep hurt, and the victim must look at what he or she could have done to make things different.
  • Look for the good. Trust yourself to stop damning people as a whole, no matter how badly they now behave. Then you may help them to become more trustworthy.
  • Go inside. The way back to trust is counterintuitive: The issue is whether we can trust ourselves to make wise decisions.

Beattie agreed, “Self-trust is a healing gift we can give ourselves. How do we acquire it? We learn it. What do we do about our mistakes, about those times we thought we could trust ourselves but were wrong? We accept them, and trust ourselves anyway.

“Trust ourselves, and we will know whom to trust. Trust ourselves, and we will know what to do. When we feel we absolutely cannot trust ourselves, trust that God will guide us into truth,” Beattie advised.

How have you learned to trust again?

You can find these Flashback Friday blogs posted every Friday. If you want to know more how to have successful relationships and peace of mind, you can get a free PDF sample chapter of “The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart” by filling out the form in the sidebar on this page.

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Where do you grow seeds of greatness? In the dark places.

I recently heard a commercial in which it was said, “Summer bodies are made in the winter.” This statement reminded me of this blog post from 2014. The winter season is a dark, cold and gloomy one. I’ve been there, and just when I think I have a handle on things and I’m learning the lessons and making the needed changes, I run into a winter season in another area of my life. We’re all works in progress. It’s like a mentor once told me, “We’re all wearing tomorrow’s laundry,” meaning that once we work on one issue in life, others appear.

Talking about the dark places or winter seasons reminds me of what it must feel like to be in a tomb, and since we’re talking about Resurrection Sunday this week, I find this Flashback Friday post quite fitting …

I believe everyone who lives and breathes has seeds of greatness within them ― that’s been a huge problem for me in the past since I tended to see a person for their potential instead of who they have chosen to be today. However, have you noticed that the people who have gone on to achieve some of the greatest things in life went through some really dark times?

Vincent Van Gough (my favorite artist of all time) was an extraordinary painter, but he never made a dime as an artist during his lifetime and ultimately died from the mental illness he suffered from. ― He never made it out of his dark place.

Steve Winn, owner of all the Winstar and Winn casinos, is a very successful businessman and has enough money to afford anything he wants, but he literally lives in a dark place having been diagnosed with an eye disease called Retinitis Pigmentosa which ultimately causes blindness.

Where do seeds of greatness grow? In the dark places.

How do you grow a baby? In a dark place.

How do you grow a tree? In a dark place.

If you’re going to achieve anything in life or make real changes, you’re going to go through a dark place. Sorry! I wish it could be different because I don’t like the dark place. I’ve spent a lot of time in different dark places, and they’re no fun. But maybe they’re necessary?

” … Real change isn’t joyful,” Bishop T.J. Jakes said in his sermon series about Instinct. “Real transformation is often stressful. You go into dark places. You confront parts of yourself that aren’t happy. You confront parts of yourself that are really challenging. And if you have the courage to do that, if you have the courage to lift the bar beyond your grasp and dare to leap for it, then suddenly your potential is evolved.”

“To that person who is in a dark place right now, that’s just a part of the process. Don’t build a house in it. Pitch a tent in it. Don’t build a house in it because it will ultimately evolve into something far better, far bigger and far more effective,” Bishop Jakes said. “You have to see where you are as an incubator. It is not a destination. It’s transportation.”

Have you experienced a dark place? Was the outcome worth it?

You can find these Flashback Friday blogs posted every Friday. If you want to know more how to have successful relationships and peace of mind, you can get a free PDF sample chapter of “The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart” by filling out the form in the sidebar on this page.

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Can being happy make you healthy?

We’re on the topic of being happy this week, and this Flashback Friday from 2015 fits the bill. It features an article I wrote while working as a reporter for a newspaper …

Every day new research is proving that our inner world affects our outer world — specifically, our thoughts affect our health. I’m sure you’ve heard the stories of people who used laughter to raise their immune systems and reverse chronic illnesses.

Since studying neuroscience while earning my Bachelor of Science degree in Psychology, I’ve been increasingly interested in how our thoughts and the actual health of our brains influence not only our mental health, but also our physical health. It reminds me of Proverbs 17:22, “A joyful heart is good medicine, but depression drains one’s strength.” Anyone who has endured a hard period in life knows the last part of that verse is true.

When I was working as a reporter for The Galveston County Daily News, I wrote a story that seems appropriate to reprint now.

Happy thoughts can lower blood pressure
By Senée Seale
The Daily News
Published October 29, 2006
GALVESTON — The prescription to lower your blood pressure may be as simple as this: Don’t worry. Be happy.

A study by University of Texas Medical Branch faculty members links positive emotions to lower blood pressure.

Dr. Glenn Ostir of UTMB said patients were asked questions about their happiness and optimism levels at the same time their blood pressure was taken.
“Those who were happier seemed to have lower blood pressure,” he said. “Positive emotions tend to be associated with a reduced risk of heart attack or stroke.”

While the study focused on 2,500 Mexican Americans 65 and older, Ostir said he has no reason to believe this treatment wouldn’t work for other ethnic groups as well.

If you can control your emotional well-being and lower your blood pressure, the theory is you could prevent a heart attack or stroke.

While Ostir stops short of saying happy people don’t have heart attacks or strokes, he did say positive emotions tend to be associated with a reduced risk of these diseases.

The study also found that targeting the emotional health of older adults might be used as part of non-medication treatment, saving elderly patients money on prescriptions.

The Bright Side
Faith Casanova of Galveston is disabled and has other ailments to deal with, but she tries to look on the bright side of life.

The 72-year-old Jehovah’s Witness said she spends her time thinking about the good things and the positive teachings of her religion.

“I focus on the resurrection, hope, future and paradise here on earth,” she said. “I know it will be a new world with happiness and no sickness or death, so I don’t have to worry about things.”

Despite being diagnosed with bipolar disorder, Casanova said she’s a happy person and tries to be positive.

Betty Davis, 65, of Galveston, credits medication for keeping her blood pressure low, but she did say it is lower when she’s thinking happy thoughts.

“My blood pressure fluctuates,” she said “It depends on what I’m doing when it’s taken.”

Relaxing Tips
Ostir said you need to be aware that you have some control over your own well-being.

“You choose to be stressed out over an event,” he said. “I think the key is to be aware that you are stressed out. It’s your choice whether you remain that way or choose to change it.”

He said anything that reduces internal stress, such as practicing yoga, meditating, gardening or reading a book, will help to lower your blood pressure.

Susie Mantell, stress-relief expert and author of the relaxation CD “Your Present: A Half-Hour of Peace,” said reducing internal stress can be as simple as getting enough sleep.

“A good night’s sleep makes a world of difference to bust stress and promote overall well-being,” she said.

“The advent of 24-hour and instant everything has created a society working harder, longer and faster. The resulting sleep deprivation creates tension, irritability and compromises immunity.”

Mantell agrees with Ostir that small steps can make a big difference in uplifting your mood. She suggests spending part of your lunch hour doing things that take your mind off work such as listening to soothing music or reading.

“Take two to three minute breaks in your workday,” she said. “Walk outdoors even for a few minutes. While downloading files, waiting at a red light, or in line at the bank, breathe slowly, mindfully and create soothing multi-sensory imagery.”

• • •

I know from experience that it doesn’t feel like it in the moment, but we really DO have control over our thoughts and inner world — even when our outer world is falling apart around us. It doesn’t happen immediately, but we can practice changing our thoughts to happier ones.

“Each thought is precious. We can learn to think in positive affirmations. Yes, it takes a bit of doing to gain control over our thoughts; however, the rewards are tremendous,” Louise Hay recently wrote on social media.

“The past has no power over us,” she continued. “Even problems have no power over us. Our power lies in the thoughts that we choose to think today. Remember, there are endless opportunities for good before us.”

I’d love to hear how focusing on being happy helped your mental or physical health … Leave a comment below.

You can find these Flashback Friday blogs posted every Friday. If you want to know more how to have successful relationships and peace of mind, you can get a free PDF sample chapter of “The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart” by filling out the form in the sidebar on this page.

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What’s your “happy” song?

When I was working as a Behavioral Clinician, I had a 4-year-old client who went through a very traumatic event having witnessed the death of a younger sibling. She was also in the foster care system and was having frequent meltdowns and boughs of sadness.

During one of our sessions, I asked her if she had a “happy song” ― a song that made her feel happy when she heard it. She began singing this terribly sad song with a smile on her face. It was so sad I almost started crying, then I realized it was the theme song from the last Twilight movie. I quickly redirected her, grabbed my phone and turned on Pharrell’s song Happy. She started singing and dancing all around the foster family’s living room. Her foster mother came in to see what was going on. When the song was over, I asked her if the next time she felt sad if she could start singing this song to help her feel happy again. She said yes, and her foster mother chimed in that she could play it for her on her phone.

This wasn’t a technique I learned. In fact, I was told her previous clinician was telling her to pretend she was squeezing an orange ―a stress-relieving technique that was endorsed by the literature we used at the agency I was working for ― which was not working, according to her foster mother. (That wouldn’t work on me either, especially if I were 4!)

Do you have a happy song?

It’s been my experience that when I’m stressed or feeling low, music always helps me. Sometimes, I just need a dance party break! The combination of upbeat music and moving my body seems to change my brain (and mood). In addition to dancing, I often have to sing myself happy.

I remember an episode of Ally McBeal where her therapist told her she needed to come up with a theme song that she could hear in her head to make her feel more confident. Ally struggled the entire episode to find one, but she did in the end. Being a singer since I was 2 (I started singing in public when I was 2, but I was told by family members that I was trying to sing before I could talk), I know that music has a way of not only changing the atmosphere, but changing our moods and minds. I was once told by someone not to gripe at him but to sing to him instead. I didn’t grasp the importance of that statement until much later, but I see the validity in that approach now.

I’ve been working on a new book about controlling your own mind, and I have been wondering if there is any scientific evidence to prove out this theory of mine.

As I wrote about in The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart, intention is key when making any change or predicting future behavior. Two studies published in 2012 in The Journal of Positive Psychology support my findings. “These studies demonstrate that listening to positive music may be an effective way to improve happiness, particularly when it is combined with an intention to become happier,” the researcher concluded.

Barry Goldstein echoes my theory in his column published in Conscious Lifestyles, “Listen to a piece of music that brings you to a highly elevated and inspired emotional state … Moving to this music can have a profound effect on your mood as it creates the potential for the production of beneficial hormones, neurotransmitters, and other molecules in your body.”

Sad songs say so much

The opposite can also take place. Have you ever felt so low and just wanted to have a big huge pity party in your depression by listening to music that made you sad? Listening to sad music can be dangerous to your mental health, but research shows that it could also help you get over a broken heart.

Interestingly, Healthline.com reported that listening to sad music can actually help in getting over heartbreak from an ended relationship. “An earlier study, published in the Journal of Consumer Research, found that people tend to prefer sad music when they are experiencing a deep interpersonal loss, like the end of a relationship. The authors of that study suggested that sad music provides a substitute for the lost relationship. They compared it to the preference most people have for an empathetic friend — someone who truly understands what you’re going through.”

I guess Elton John was right when he sang, “Sad songs say so much.” When I recorded the album for my book, I chose songs that went along with what I wrote about, but honestly, a couple of them made me cry even in the recording studio as I was singing them. The lyrics hit close to home, and I obviously wasn’t over it at the time. That just told me I had more work to do, which I did.

Take action

So, what can you do to allow music to change your mood? In 2013, USA Today published a list of 20 scientifically-proven benefits of music. Some of those included the following cation steps:

  • Ease pain. (Listening to) “music can meaningfully reduce the perceived intensity of pain …”
  • Increase workout endurance. “When we’re focusing on a favorite album, we may not notice that we just ran an extra mile.”
  • Reduce stress. “Research has found that listening to music can relieve stress by triggering biochemical stress reducers.”
  • Relieve symptoms of depression. “Research suggests the kind of music matters: Classical and meditative sounds seem to be particularly uplifting, whereas heavy metal and techno can actually make depressive symptoms worse.”
  • Elevate mood. “A 2013 study found that music helped put people in a better mood and get in touch with their feelings.”
  • Help people perform better in high-pressure situations. “One study found that basketball players prone to performing poorly under pressure during games were significantly better during high-pressure free-throw shooting if they first listened to catchy, upbeat music and lyrics.”
  • Elevate mood while driving. The reporter suggests listening to your favorite songs the next time you find yourself in a traffic jam to help keep your mood in check. I also have a dance party in the car when I’m really in need of an attitude change and safely stopped at a red light.

Catch these first-run Write About It Wednesday blogs every Wednesday. If you want to know how to have successful relationships and peace of mind, you can get a free PDF sample chapter of “The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart” by filling out the form in the sidebar on this page.

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The show must go on: How to take action while waiting

I began singing in public in church when I was 2-and-a-half. I sang on television for the first time when I was 9. It was a live broadcast in the Dallas market, and wouldn’t you know that there would have to be an audio problem when the 9-year-old got up to sing!

I did what seemed logical … I waited until I could hear the music again, then started singing where it picked up. Before they sorted it out in the control booth, I just stood there under the blazing lights and glaring cameras pointed straight at me, not to mention a studio full of audience members staring at me. I didn’t throw a Toddlers and Tiaras fit and storm off the set. I didn’t burst into tears in front of the viewers in the number 7 market (at the time). I stood there and waited.

I think I had a deep inner knowing even at that early age that the show must go on and that I had to adjust as quickly as I could to accommodate myself to any problem. The same is true in life. We have ZERO control over other people or outside forces. Some of the time, we have zero control over what happens to us … In such a case, all we can control is how we choose to react to the problem. Do we throw a tantrum on live TV and storm off the set, or do we stand there until we hear the music and begin singing wherever it picks up? At age 9, I chose to do the latter, and I’ve spent the majority of my life doing the same.

Now, I’m not saying that you’ll never have moments of meltdown. Any time we experience a great loss or significant change, we have to allow our minds time to realize what happened, to process the event, to heal emotionally and come up with a new plan. Depending on the severity of the situation. that could take some time. It took me seconds when I was 9 singing on live TV, but as a 42-year-old dealing with a major relationship issue it took me three years to get through the grieving process then start to heal and feel like myself again.

It takes time to figure out what you want your life to look like once you have a major life change. It takes time to remember your worth and value, and then to realize that there must be someone out there who will treat you with the love and respect that you deserve and will give in return, or the right life/career situation that will benefit you rather than break you down.

What happens when we refuse to be flexible and adjust? Bitterness sets in and totally changes our lives … for the worse. It can rob us of our peace, joy and happiness. It can also cause us to do something just to have something to do instead of waiting for the right timing to sing our beautiful song.

Here’s what I had to say about it in my book The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart and how it relates to relationships:

Joy/happiness are attraction magnets—they attract the right people, opportunities, and circumstances into your life, just like bitterness and negativity repel them. The people I enjoy being around most are happy/joyous people who may not be where they want to be in life, but they are grateful for where they are and are working on plans they have devised to go further and do more. Being happy/joyous while single is alright too—It doesn’t mean you’ll be alone forever, it just means that you are fine with it for now and are in no hurry to bring the wrong person into your life to fill the space.

I haven’t thought a lot about that first time singing on television, but as I have been writing this post, it really jumped out at me that I waited … I waited until the music started playing again. I stood there in that very uncomfortable space with all eyes in Dallas on me and I waited. I beat up on myself a lot for being impatient. I feel like I’ve spent most of my existence on this planet waiting for my life to start and for things to happen for me that seem so easy for everyone else. I get frustrated wondering, “When is it finally going to be my turn?!? When are things going to change in my favor?”

Maybe I’m the only one who’s ever felt this way … I’m just being honest and real.

My trusted advisor has been telling me lately that I need to celebrate the little victories. The truth is, I’ve been looking for (and needing) such big victories that the little ones just get ignored by me. But I’ve been working on paying closer attention and giving credit where it is due. So, I have to celebrate the fact that in some areas of my life, I have been patient and waited just like I did on that TV set when I was 9.

During this process, I’ve learned that there’s two types of waiting: active waiting and passive waiting. Passive waiting is when you just sit there and let life pass you by. Active waiting is preparing for the next steps (or what you think or hope are the next steps) while you are waiting.

  • Are you hoping to move to a new home or location?
    • Start packing up the stuff you aren’t using on a regular basis.
    • Begin looking at available places to live in that area.
  • Are you wanting a permanent relationship in your life?
    • Start fixing yourself up on a regular basis and looking like the best version of yourself.
    • Make a list of the qualities you want in a person, and begin practicing being the kind of person you want to attract into your life.
  • Are you looking for a job?
    • Start applying for as many positions as you can qualify for.
    • Pick out your interview outfit and hang it where you can see it every day.

All of these little things have something in common — they involve taking action in a forward, positive motion. I’m constantly striving to educate myself, and I’m always listening to podcasts and watching videos on business tactics. I recently heard someone say that you have to take action and not allow yourself to put things off until tomorrow. Within the last week, I’ve heard more than one person say that the timing will never be right … You have to take action any way. It reminds me of what one of my Substance Abuse Counseling professors would always say to us, “Do it afraid!” She said we should never let fear stop us from taking positive action.

Even a baby step in the right direction is better than being stuck or moving backward. What  one thing can you do today to actively wait and allow the show to go on?

Catch these first-run Write About It Wednesday blogs every Wednesday. If you want to know how to have successful relationships and peace of mind, you can get a free PDF sample chapter of “The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart” by filling out the form in the sidebar on this page.

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Detach without getting bitter

When I was studying Substance Abuse Counseling and Psychology, I spent a lot of time working on myself which included going to Al-Anon meetings. A theme often brought up in that room was “detaching in love.” It was always such a hard concept for me, and one I’m still working on mastering (although I have improved in that area). This Flashback Friday post from 2014 will help us dive deeper into this week’s topic of detaching (in love) through the 8 Week/No Contact Rule …

I was talking with my (graduate school) faculty mentor the other day, and I was telling her how the concept of detachment is hard for me to put into practice because, for me, it feels like giving up on the person or situation. And giving up means I’ll never have my dream.

bitterness, how to not become bitter, detatching, detatching in love,

In her book The Language of Letting Go, Melody Beattie tell us that we have to continue growing even when our loved ones are not yet ready to change themselves.

“Sometimes, we need to give ourselves permission to grow, even though the people we love are not ready to change,” she wrote. “We may even need to leave people behind in their dysfunction or suffering because we cannot recover for them … The potential for helping others is far greater when we detach, work on ourselves, and stop trying to force others to change with us.

“Changing ourselves, allowing ourselves to grow while others seek their own path, is how we have the most beneficial impact on people we love. We’re accountable for ourselves. They’re accountable for themselves.We let them go, and let ourselves grow,” Beattie concluded.

Sometimes moving on means not getting our dream of being with someone because they choose not to be healthy. Not getting our deepest dreams and desires can cause us to become bitter if we allow it.

Hans Villarica wrote in The Psychology of Bitterness: 10 Essential Lessons published in The Atlantic that researchers from Concordia University and the University of British Columbia conducted a study on the topic of bitterness to be published in the journal Health Psychology. Their conclusion, in Dunne’s words: “The ability of older adults with functional limitations to withdraw effort and commitment from goals that are no longer attainable can help them avoid increases in depressive symptoms over time.” What does this mean in plain English? Being able to detach from a deeply wanted outcome will help you not become bitter.

Villarica offered these research-based lessons on bitterness:

  1. Bitterness follows unwanted experiences — failures, disappointment, setbacks — that are perceived to be beyond one’s control.
  2. Bitterness occurs when one believes, rightly or wrongly, that other people could have prevented the undesired outcome. Regret involves blaming oneself.
  3. Bitterness, much like other negative emotions, could forecast physical disease.
  4. To regulate bitterness, individuals who failed should assess the likelihood of achieving the goal if they decide to try again.
  5. If success is unlikely, individuals should move on to other pursuits.
  6. The embittered should try to reconcile, take some responsibility, and get over the blame game.
  7. Older adults generally experience more disappointments that could lead to bitterness.
  8. Most older adults can easily disengage from impractical goals and commit to other meaningful pursuits.
  9. Older adults who can’t curb their bitterness may be compromising their health and happiness.
  10. If bitterness persists, consult a mental health practitioner.

Lesson No. 5 seems to be particularly relevant for those in relationships with substance users. “People also need to find new purposeful activities. They have to reengage — find a different job or look for a different partner. Reengagement in turn has been shown to predict higher levels of positive emotions and purpose in life,” Wrosch wrote.

You can find these Flashback Friday blogs posted every Friday. If you want to know more how to have successful relationships and peace of mind, you can get a free PDF sample chapter of “The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart” by filling out the form in the sidebar on this page.

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How to love yourself this Valentines (season and all year long)

It’s still love month, and we’re focusing on loving yourself here at The Princess Guide. This post from three years ago is appropriate for today’s Flashback Friday …

February can be one of the hardest months if you’re single. It seems like everyone around you and everyone on social media is being celebrated and loved.

how to love yourself, loving yourself,

I dated a couple of guys who disappeared around Thanksgiving and didn’t reappear until the flowers began blooming. Make no mistake … They disappeared so they wouldn’t have to do anything for me during Christmas and Valentines. It made me feel terrible and less than important. I began making one of the qualifying questions to get a date with me, “Do you celebrate holidays and look for ways to make it special for the woman you’re dating?”

Being in a long-term relationship with someone who chooses not to do things for you can make you feel even worse.

In my Lifecycles class (in graduate school), we learned that women who are highly educated and professionals have a higher rate of divorce. My instructor said it has something to do with women having more choices today with increased income. (Previous generations of women got married to have an income.) While being married appears to be the goal for many women, some find that staying married is a lot more work than anyone will tell you about.

“We see Christian young women who love the Lord, get confused about their role in marriage or whether marriage is even worth it to start with. And you take that into sexuality, they’re very confused about sexuality and how to express that in a way that honors the Lord,” author Juli Slattery told Focus on the Family.

So, what can you do to honor yourself if you’re all alone this Valentines Day (season or any time during the year)? Relationship expert Dr. Margaret Paul gave the Huffington Post these suggestions:

  1. Listen within to your own feelings. Many people easily tune into others’ feelings yet have no idea what they feel. If you ignore a child’s feelings, that child will feel unloved. Ignoring your own feelings has the same result — your inner child feels rejected, abandoned and unloved by you.
  2. Be compassionate with your feelings. If you judge your feelings, telling yourself you are wrong for having them, your inner child will feel rejected and abandoned by you. If you are kind, gentle, tender, understanding and accepting of your feelings, your inner child will feel loved by you.
  3. Be open to learning about what your feelings are telling you. Just as an actual child feels loved when you are compassionately interested in why he or she is hurting, your inner child will feel loved when you explore what your feelings are telling you. All feelings are informational. Just as physical pain alerts you to a problem that needs attention, so does emotional pain. Painful feelings are telling you that you are abandoning yourself, or that someone is being unloving to you, or to themselves or to others, or that a situation is not good for you. Compassionately attending to your feelings, learning what they are telling you, and then taking action to remedy the situation, will make you feel loved.
  4. Create a solid connection with a spiritual source of love, wisdom and comfort. Love is not a feeling we generate from our mind. It comes from the heart when our heart is open to our source of love. When you open to learning with your higher power about loving yourself and others, love flows into your heart and you feel loved.
  5. Choose to be around loving people. We don’t always have a choice — such as in work relationships — but when we do have a choice — such as in personal relationships — choosing to be around caring, supportive and accepting people will make you feel loved. If, when you have a choice, you consistently engage with unkind, judgmental or abusive people, the message you are sending to yourself is that you are not worth loving.
  6. Take loving actions for yourself around others. When you are around someone who is being unkind, speak up for yourself, letting the person know that you don’t like being treated that way, and then either open to learning about what is going on, or lovingly disengage from the interaction. Allowing others to treat you badly sends a message to your inner child that he or she is not worth loving.
  7. Take care of your body, your time, your space and your finances. You will feel loved and lovable when you feed yourself healthy food, and get exercise and sleep. When you ignore your health, you are giving yourself the message that you are not worth loving. When you respect your own and others’ time and space, you are letting yourself know that you are worth it. When you overspend, putting yourself in unnecessary debt, you are not taking loving care of yourself, and your inner child will feel scared, alone and unloved. Just as an actual child needs to feel safe regarding the necessities of life, your inner child needs to feel the same way.
  8. Find work you love. Since work takes up a big part of your day, finding or creating work that fulfills you is vitally important. If you continue to force yourself to stay at jobs you hate, the message to yourself is that you are not worth doing whatever it is you need to do to create a fulfilling work life.
  9. Create balance. We need balance in our life to feel loved and lovable. We need time to work and time to rest and rejuvenate. We also need time to nurture our body and soul through activities that bring us joy.

Loving yourself and practicing those loving actions will not only help you get healthy self-esteem that no one can take away from you, but it will also give you the skills you need to love others when the right relationship comes into your life.

You can find these Flashback Friday blogs posted every Friday. If you want to know more how to have successful relationships and peace of mind, you can get a free PDF sample chapter of “The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart” by filling out the form in the sidebar on this page.