I recently had someone ask, “I have always dated older men, but now I find myself more attracted to younger men. It isn’t a problem for them or me, but outside people are starting to call me negative names like cougar. Is it wrong for me to be angry?”
You may have heard that ladies and gentlemen don’t get angry — that it isn’t proper or becoming of them. The real truth is that anger is a natural emotion. It’s part of the grieving process and something to be experienced, observed and released.
I’ve said it countless times and will continue to say it — We grieve many times in life, not just when someone passes over. Any time we have a perceived loss or massive change in life, we must grieve it to arrive at a place of acceptance and move forward in a positive direction in life.
“We can have our angry feelings. We can connect with them, own them, feel them, express them, release them and be done with them,” wrote Melody Beattie in The Language of Letting Go. “We can learn to listen to what anger is telling us about what we want and need in order to take care of ourselves.”
Let it go
In 2014, all the little girls were crazy about the movie Frozen and its theme song Let It Go. There’s something to that story. When we hold on to negative emotions — especially anger — it hurts us and not the other person. I’ve written about forgiveness in my books, but you can’t truly forgive another person or yourself if you’re internalizing anger.
In his book, Mars and Venus Starting Over, Dr. John Gray wrote, “Feeling and then releasing anger reconnects us to our passion for love and life.”
In my personal experience and professional observation, a person can go back and forth between the stages of grief until they finally arrive at Acceptance. During my darkest time while grieving the loss of a relationship, I went through Denial, Depression, Denial, Bargaining, Denial, Depression, Anger, Depression, Anger, Anger, Anger (I was never allowed to feel it before, so it took its toll in this process), and finally Acceptance.
“We can feel angry without hurting or abusing others or ourselves … If we don’t feel our angry feelings today, we will need to face them tomorrow,” wrote Beattie.
Dr. Gray talked about grieving the loss of love in his book, but this insight can be applied to grieving, in general. “Grieving … means fully feeling and then releasing all the painful emotions that come up when we reflect on our loss … Yet, another mistake is not giving ourselves permission to experience all our feelings,” he wrote.
When I was studying Marriage & Family Psychology in undergrad, my professor said anger is a beneficial emotion. She described it as “powerful but alienating.” She said the best way to deal with anger is to let it all out — venting does not solve the problem.
How to let it all out
So, how do we let anger all out without causing damage to ourselves or others? What’s the healthy way to be angry?
I remember having a conversation about this with a therapist friend of mine who also happens to be a Christian. I was talking about how Paul said in Ephesians 4 to “be angry, but do no sin.” I asked her, “What does that ‘do not sin’ part look like?” She said it means to feel angry about something but don’t go burn someone’s house down or destroy their car with a baseball bat.
In the past, some therapists have suggested having a pillow fight or using foam bats. Today, there are rage rooms where you can pay to go destroy property with a real baseball bat. I think exercising or using a punching bag with boxing gloves may be a heathier alternative that benefits both the body and brain. Dr. Daniel Amen would probably agree with me.
“[Exercise] releases endorphins that induce a sense of well-being … Exercise also increases blood flow throughout the brain which nourishes it so that it can function properly,” he wrote in Change Your Brain, Change Your Life. “Exercise can also be very helpful in calming worries and increasing cognitive flexibility … [it raises] brain serotonin levels.”
I believe in releasing emotions through the body — especially the hands. Writing with pen and paper is an effective way to get negative emotions out of the body in a healthy way while giving you the space to be completely open, honest and transparent. I do recommend destroying the paper after you finish so that no one can use it against you. I find burning it especially beneficial. There’s something about those negative emotions going up in smoke that is therapeutic and spiritual at the same time. If you need to, get in a place where no one can hear or bother you and scream and ugly cry — I mean that kind of cry where snot is running down your face, ugly cry.
However you choose to feel and release your anger, know that it is just a tool to get you to the ultimate goal of acceptance. Merriam-Webster defines the root word accept as “endure without protest or reaction; to recognize as true.” Personally, I don’t think acceptance means that we have to like what is, but we have to acknowledge that it is what it is and be alright with it — not let it bother us.
Beattie advised that you tell yourself, “I know this is exactly the way it’s supposed to be for the moment.” That’s a very freeing statement that comes with a lot of hope in the way I read it. Accepting yourself and your situation, knowing that it is only momentary and that you give it your full permission and faith to change in a positive way is very empowering. So, be angry if you need to, feel it, release it and move forward in a positive direction — just do the next right thing for yourself.
Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives and relationships. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. If you’d like to schedule a personal session with Senée, she’s accepting new clients.
Grab your favorite beverage and join me as we talk about ways to love yourself like no one else. Self-love really is an inside job. No one can give it to you, but no one can also take it away. Check out the exercise in this episode, and comment below to tell me how it worked for you. It isn’t a one-time thing, but with practice and time, this exercise will strengthen your confidence and self-love.
Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives and relationships. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. If you’d like to schedule a personal session with Senée, she’s accepting new clients.
On this Self Love Sunday episode, we’re talking all about what self-love is and what it is not. Watch to the end because I have a special exercise for you to do! I want to know what you’re learning about self-love and how you are implementing these things into your life. So, leave a comment here!
Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. If you’d like to schedule a personal session with Senée, she’s accepting new clients.
The hardest part of a breakup is really grieving the loss of the relationship — or the loss of the dream of what it could have been. Now, I’m hearing Tiffany from the 80s singing, “Could have been so beautiful. Could have been so right.”
Music is powerful. It has a way of healing us.
Sad songs say so much
Have you ever felt so low and just wanted to have a huge pity party in your depression by listening to music that made you sad? Listening to sad music can be dangerous to your mental health, but research shows that it could also help you get over a broken heart.
Interestingly, Healthline.com reported that listening to sad music can actually help in getting over heartbreak from an ended relationship. “An earlier study, published in the Journal of Consumer Research, found that people tend to prefer sad music when they are experiencing a deep interpersonal loss, like the end of a relationship. The authors of that study suggested that sad music provides a substitute for the lost relationship. They compared it to the preference most people have for an empathic friend — someone who truly understands what you’re going through.”
I guess Elton John was right when he sang, “Sad songs say so much.” When I recorded the album for my book The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart, I chose songs that went along with what I wrote about. Honestly, a couple of them made me cry even in the recording studio as I was singing them. They hit close to home, and I obviously wasn’t over it at the time. That just told me I had more work to do, and I did.
Take action
So, what can you do to allow music to change your mood? In 2013, USA Today published a list of 20 scientifically-proven benefits of music. Some of those included the following action steps:
Ease pain. [Listening to] “music can meaningfully reduce the perceived intensity of pain …”
Increase workout endurance. “When we’re focusing on a favorite album, we may not notice that we just ran an extra mile.”
Reduce stress. “Research has found that listening to music can relieve stress by triggering biochemical stress reducers.”
Relieve symptoms of depression. “Research suggests the kind of music matters: Classical and meditative sounds seem to be particularly uplifting, whereas heavy metal and techno can actually make depressive symptoms worse.”
Elevate mood. “A 2013 study found that music helped put people in a better mood and get in touch with their feelings.”
Help people perform better in high-pressure situations. “One study found that basketball players prone to performing poorly under pressure during games were significantly better during high-pressure free-throw shooting if they first listened to catchy, upbeat music and lyrics.”
Elevate mood while driving. The reporter suggests listening to your favorite songs the next time you find yourself in a traffic jam to help keep your mood in check. I’ve also had dance parties in the car when I was really in need of an attitude change and safely stopped at a red light.
Give it time
When I was training as a Qualified Mental Health Professional working with children and families, our trainer talked one day about the difference between grief and depression. He explained that depression is thought to be caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain, and it can be treated with medication. Grief, on the other hand, always involves a loss — it is the pain of not getting something you desperately wanted — and may or may not have depression symptoms. If depression is present, then medication can be prescribed. However, the treatment for grief is always talk therapy.
I’ve often said that we grieve many times in our lives — not only when someone dies, but also any time we experience a loss. Getting through the grieving process and coming to a place of acceptance is part of the healing process.
“With the loss of love, our lives are immediately transformed,” wrote Dr. John Gray in Mars and Venus Starting Over. “Grieving the loss of love means fully feeling and then releasing all the painful emotions that come up when we reflect on our loss … one common mistake is to move on too quickly, not giving ourselves enough time to grieve. Yet, another mistake is not giving ourselves permission to experience all our feelings.”
You’re probably familiar with the stages of grief: denial, blame, intense emotions (often displayed in anger or deep sadness), bargaining and acceptance. In my experience and observation, a person can go back and forth between these stages until they finally arrive at acceptance.
Our trainer asked our group what is the timeframe for a person to stop grieving? When will they be finished? There were as many answers as there were people in the room, but he echoed my statement — They’re finished whenever they’re finished.
As I explain in The Princess Guide to Healing a Broken Heart, you may think you worked through a step and have gone on to another one, only to realize that you still have issues in that area. It’s perfectly fine (and normal) to go back and deal with it. The same holds true for grieving. My trainer said you know when a client is improving because the intense pain lessens, and they cycle through the stages of grief less frequently.
Be gentle with yourself. Do the internal work by feeling all the emotions that come up and releasing them. Give it time. You will get through it, I promise. You’ll also come out better than ever, if you take the time you need to fully heal. Rushing the process only leads to baggage that you’ll have to deal with eventually.
Get a guide
Sometimes, we need help from others to guide us through a process. “Studies have shown that the small sliver of people (8%) who do actually stick with their goals and finally achieve them do one thing differently — They get help. It’s as simple as that. They find someone who can take them by the hand (someone who has already done what they’re trying to do), and they ask this person to show them the way,” wrote Author John Assarf in a newsletter.
When I say I can relate to what you may be going through, I really can. During the time of writing my first book on healing a broken heart, I was healing from my own broken heart. I have been through marriage issues, relationship breakups, unrequited love and friends and family problems. In short, I know what it’s like to be truly broken.
Earnest Hemingway wrote, “We are all broken … That’s how the light gets in.” I believe that statement to be true. I absolutely adore stained glass windows, but those beautiful pieces of art would never be made without first breaking whole glass. Don’t let the brokenness in your life fool you … God can do great things with broken people.
I’m here to help as a life guide or spiritual/Christian counselor if you need someone with the clinical, research and life experience of healing a broken heart to walk beside you during this process. In the meantime, know without a shadow of a doubt that things can only get better. Think positively about your life. Dream big dreams, and have a dance party by yourself. You’re worth it, you deserve it and you will get through it.
Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. If you’d like to work directly with Senée, she’s accepting new clients.
How easy is it for you to answer the question, “Who are you?” We’re in my kitchen today chatting about life. I’ll take you through a short exercise to discover if you have any areas you may want to work on. So, grab a cup of tea (or the beverage of your choice), click the video and let’s talk about self-worth and who you really are.
Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. If you’d like to work directly with Senée, she’s accepting new clients.
I often say, “What part of no don’t you understand — the nuh or the oh?” No. It’s a complete sentence all by itself. Merriam-Webster defines the word no as, “[a word] used to express negation, dissent, denial, or refusal.”
It amazes me how some people fight you when you say no to things or requests that you know are not for your highest good. I believe they often do this because you saying no is denying or refusing them to control you or have their way over you that would benefit only them but not benefit you in any way. I say people who act like this have character defects and often have psychological disorders. Saying no is your birthright, and you have a duty to use this word to protect yourself and set healthy boundaries.
Setting boundaries
In her book Beyond Codependency, Melody Beattie explains, “Boundaries are limits that say: ‘This is how far I shall go. This is what I will or won’t do for you. This is what I won’t tolerate from you.’” While most of her work is focused on recovering from relationships with substance users, much of her advice can be applied to any type of relationship.
“Not only do many of us begin tolerating abnormal, unhealthy and inappropriate behaviors, we take it one step further: we convince ourselves these behaviors are normal and what we deserve,” she wrote. “We may become so familiar with verbal abuse and disrespectful treatment that we don’t even recognize when these things are happening. But deep inside, an important part of us knows. Our selves know and will tell us if we will listen.”
My friend’s friend used to say, “If it don’t feel right, it ain’t right.” She is correct. It’s in these moments where our insides shake, our thinking becomes negative and our stress level is so out of control that we scream at ourselves in an empty room when we know something is definitely wrong or off. I finally got to the point where I listened to my body and noticed that when I felt a heaviness in my chest or lump in my throat, that was a huge sign something was not right for me. These are exactly the moments when we need to use the word no.
I’m not talking about just romantic relationships here. I’m talking about in the workplace when you feel disrespected. I’m talking about in friendships when cruel words are spoken to you — and not spoken in love or concern for you. I’m talking about in online conversations when someone is bullying you to do something you don’t want to do. I’m even talking about in medical situations where you are being told to inject something into your body that you know will have a negative reaction inside of you. In each and every one of these situations, you have the right to just sayno. Yes, people may threaten negative consequences on you if you don’t adhere to their intimidation. However, you must ask yourself if you can live with yourself after giving in to such unloving, uncaring, downright selfish demands.
I know what it feels like to be in these situations. I think I’ve experienced them all on every, single level. I had to come to the realization that I am too precious and divine to be treated in such a way — by anyone. Dr. Wayne Dyer wrote it best in Real Magic, “’I will send love, but I will remove myself physically from their presence because I am too divine and significant to be the subject of any abuse.’”
There is always another option to their threats. You just have to believe that, believe in yourself and believe that everything will work out for your highest good when you love yourself first and do what is best for you … They obviously do not have your best interests in mind if they’re forcing their will on you — even if they tell you they do (which is often the case, in my experience).
Beattie lists some examples of healthy boundaries that I’ve slightly modified to apply to most general situations:
I will not allow anyone to physically or verbally abuse me.
I will not knowingly believe or support lies.
I will not rescue people from the consequences of their irresponsible behavior.
I will not finance a person’s irresponsible behavior.
If you want to act crazy, that’s your business, but you can’t do it in front of me. Either you leave, or I’ll walk away.
You can spoil your fun, your day, your life — that’s your business — but I won’t let you spoil my fun, my day or my life.
“Set boundaries, but make sure they’re your boundaries,” she wrote. “The things we’re sick of, can’t stand and make threats about may be clues to some boundaries we need to set. They may also be clues to changes we need to make within ourselves.”
Put your foot down & expect resistance
Setting boundaries is the easy part, in my experience. Enforcing them can be a completely different thing. Dr. Phil McGraw is known for saying, “You teach people how to treat you.” He wrote in his book Life Strategies that difficult people look for results.
“You may complain or cry or threaten to give them negative results, but if the bottom line is that you reward the behavior by providing a response that the other person values, then that person decides, ‘Hey, this works. I now know how to get what I want.’”
Enforcing your boundaries will not be easy. Dr. Phil warns you to expect the following resistance:
Allegations that “You just don’t care anymore.”
Emotional extortion that takes the form of threats to leave if you don’t cave in, or they could use agitated threats of suicide.
Guilt on your part. “You must steel yourself against being manipulated by it,” he warned.
Dr. Phil said if you think the person you’re dealing with will actually harm himself or herself, then call the police and report it, but do not cave in. Beattie agrees and offers some encouragement.
“People may get angry at us for setting boundaries — they can’t use us anymore,” she wrote. [It’s been my experience that if they have psychological disorders or use substances, they most definitely will … expect it and plan for it.] “They may try to help us feel guilty [they will] so we will remove our boundary and return to the old system of letting then use or abuse you. Don’t feel guilty, and don’t back down. We can stick to our boundaries and enforce them. Be consistent.”
I’ll add — Just say no. Mean it. Enforce it. Walk away, if you need to.
Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives and relationships. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. If you’d like to work directly with Senée, she’s accepting new clients.
April is Stress Awareness Month. Are you stressed? My guess is that in some shape or form, you are experiencing stress. We’ve all gone through it in the past year with our lives completely changed overnight with lockdowns, mask wearing and life as we know it completely changed. It’s the first time in my lifetime that I can remember the entire human collective — worldwide — going through the same stressors at the same time. While some areas are beginning to open back up, things are still not normal. That is stress-producing all by itself.
So, what exactly is stress? Merriam-Webster defines stress as, “a physical, chemical or emotional factor that causes bodily or mental tension and may be a factor in disease causation.” The International Encyclopedia of the Social & BehavioralSciences quoted Lazarus and Folkman’s definition of psychological stress as “a particular relationship between the person and the environment that is appraised by the person as taxing or exceeding his or her resources and endangering his or her well-being.”
APA Stress in America survey
The American Psychological Association and The Harris Poll conducted a survey in January 2021 of 2,076 U.S. adults ages 18 and older. The published findings titled Stress in America: January 2021 Stress Snapshot, showed the top two stressors among participants were the “future of our nation” (81%) and “the coronavirus pandemic” (80%). When specifically asked, “Have you felt any of the following ways within the past two weeks,” respondents reported the following:
Any [of the feelings listed] (Net)
Anxious
Sad
Angry
On edge
Like I want to escape
Scared
Unsafe
Like I can’t trust anyone
Numb
Guilty
Other
84%
47%
44%
39%
33%
31%
26%
24%
22%
17%
10%
3%
Interestingly, 16% of those surveyed said they have experienced “None” of these feelings. The survey also found that within the previous month (December 21 2020–January 25, 2021), 26% reported “little to no stress,” 28% “a great deal of stress” and 44% a moderate amount of stress.
In March 2021, the APA also reported that many American adults surveyed have experienced “undesired changes to their weight, increased drinking and other negative behavior changes that may be related to an inability to cope with prolonged stress … a majority of adults (61%) experienced undesired weight changes — weight gain or loss — since the pandemic started, with 42% reporting they gained more weight than they intended. Of those, they gained an average of 29 pounds (the median amount gained was 15 pounds) and 10% said they gained more than 50 pounds, the poll found … Adults also reported unwanted changes in sleep and increased alcohol consumption. Two in 3 (67%) said they have been sleeping more or less than desired since the pandemic started. Nearly 1 in 4 adults (23%) reported drinking more alcohol to cope with their stress.”
Parents with children under age 18 have been especially impacted with 47% of mothers and 30% of fathers who still have children at home for remote learning reported their mental health has worsened. Among essential workers, 54% said they have “relied on a lot of unhealthy habits to get through the pandemic” — 29% reported worsened mental health and 75% wished they had more emotional support.
“We’ve been concerned throughout this pandemic about the level of prolonged stress, exacerbated by the grief, trauma and isolation that Americans are experiencing. This survey reveals a secondary crisis that is likely to have persistent, serious mental and physical health consequences for years to come,” said Arthur C. Evans Jr, Ph.D., APA’s chief executive officer.
I’ve been concerned for a year, too. I worked with children and families as a behavioral clinician, and I’ve been concerned about child abuse and domestic violence during this time. As a print journalist having worked in military towns, I noticed over long, holiday weekends, the number of domestic violence calls on the local police reports greatly increased. One police chief explained to me that it was because people would start drinking and would end up fighting by the end of the weekend. It hasn’t been widely reported, but I know the calls to Child Protective Services increased over the past year. How could they not with increased alcohol consumption, children going to remote school from home and parents working remotely from home? It’s a recipe for a stress disaster.
It hasn’t been much easier for single people living alone, like me. I’ve handled it better than most I’ve talked with. They’ve reported increased alcohol use, loneliness and feeling isolated. I remind them that living alone is an advantage because we don’t have the added stress of being locked up with others. For those used to being in social settings, however, the isolation and loneliness can be hard to deal with.
Then, there’s the stress of getting back to normal. I know people who are terrified of contracting COVID-19. They’re not alone … The APA survey found 49% of respondents feel uneasy about adjusting to in-person interaction once the pandemic ends — both adults who received a COVID-19 vaccine (48%) and those who had not received one (49%).
Others of my friends just want their freedom to travel and socialize again and are willing to do anything for it. However, the prevention has made some of my friends extremely sick — causing another stress.
Stress busters
Many experts believe that stress is inevitable in today’s society, and there’s basically no way to avoid it — only manage it. I understand this point of view, but I offer another one … Control your own mind and you can beat stress. This is so important that I wrote an entire chapter about this in my first book and plan to write a whole book about it.
“If you really want to be neurosis-free, self-fulfilled and in control of your own choices, if you really want to achieve present-moment happiness, you will need to apply the same kind of rigid application to the task of unlearning the self-defeating thinking you have learned up until now … In order to master this kind of fulfillment, you’ll need to repeat endlessly that your mind really is your own and that you are capable of controlling your own feelings,” wrote Dr. Wayne Dyer in Your Erogenous Zones.
Train your thinking. It is often said that “your thoughts create your reality.” Scientific evidence has shown that negative thinking can not only cause stress, but it can also cause disease in the body.
“You can make yourself ill with your thoughts, and by the same token, you can make yourself well by the use of a different and healing type of thought … To change your circumstances, first start thinking differently,” wrote Norman Vincent Peale in The Power of Positive Thinking. “Do not passively accept unsatisfactory circumstances, but form a picture in your mind of circumstance as they should be [as you want them to be]. Hold that picture, develop it firmly in all details, believe in it, pray about it, work at it and you can actualize it … Believe and succeed.”
I’m a firm believer in using gratitude to change your thinking. I wrote a whole book about it with a 45-day guided gratitude journal to help get you started. Being grateful for even the bod things has truly changed my life, and I practice it daily — especially when things aren’t going the way I want them to. By focusing on the gratitude and the good things, I instantly feel better and more positively.
Pay close attention to your attitudes and intentions. “Start each day by affirming peaceful, contented and happy attitudes, and your days will tend to be pleasant and successful. Such attitudes are active and definitive factors in creating satisfactory conditions,” Peale wrote.
Meditate & be in the present moment. If you’re anything like me, meditating isn’t a natural or easy task because your mind is constantly racing in thought. Quieting it is like herding cats. It is possible, though. Using guided meditations and focusing on what the guide is saying is very helpful. Staying in the present moment is also helpful.
“All of this organized thinking keeps you from living your present moments,” Dr. Dyer wrote. “Turning your now into total fulfillment is the touchstone of effective living, and virtually all self-defeating behaviors (erogenous zones) are efforts at living in a moment other than the current one.”
I know, personally, that the reason we often don’t live in the present moment is because somewhere in life, the present moment was or is too scary to deal with. It can feel safer to live in the future where we daydream about creating the safety, security, prosperity and happiness we desire. Don’t get me wrong … this practice is not a bad thing. In fact, this is how you manifest the life you want. However, you will miss the gift of now if you refuse to live in the present.
The best advice I ever received from a therapist when I was studying psychology was to be fully in the moment when meeting with an old boyfriend that I hadn’t seen in nearly two decades. He told me to pay close attention to how the environment around me looked, to smell all the smells, pay attention to what the guy was saying and how he looked. I did that, and it worked. I was fully in the moment, and I couldn’t stop smiling. Try it for yourself.
Exercise. The deep limbic system of the brain is the part that is responsible for producing depression or having you feel hopeful. “[Exercise] releases endorphins that induce a sense of well-being … Exercise also increases blood flow throughout the brain which nourishes it so that it can function properly,” wrote Dr. Daniel Amen in Change Your Brain Change Your Life. “Exercise can also be very helpful in calming worries and increasing cognitive flexibility … [it raises] brain serotonin levels. In addition, exercise increases your energy levels and may distract you from the bad thoughts that may tend to loop.”
He recommends walking, running or cycling every day, plus doing an aerobic workout (to get the blood and oxygen flowing throughout the body) three times a week for at least 20 minutes. This is easy to incorporate into your life by taking a 15–30 minute walk at lunch or after dinner. I found lunch walks helpful when I was working in an office setting. They helped me process stress at work and clear my mind to finish the workday. An after-dinner walk with a partner can not only help you become more physically fit, but it can also aid in relationship bonding.
Dr. Dyer used to say, “Nature is therapy. If you’re feeling depressed, go walk barefoot in the grass.” Walking barefoot on the ground is called earthing and is known to be good for aligning the energy centers in the body. I went on a hike when the lockdown was beginning to be lifted in 2020, and being surrounded by trees and getting my heart rate up and sweating did my body and mind a world of good.
Create. We’ve all heard of Art Therapy as a treatment in psychology. Being creative has a way of shifting your thinking into a more positive, manifesting state — in my words and experience. Dr. Amen recommends singing, humming, learning to play an instrument, listening to classical music, dancing/rhythmic movement. “Song has long been shown to have healing qualities,” Dr. Amen wrote. “Sing wherever and whenever you can … It will have a healing effect on your temporal lobes and probably your limbic system, as well.” Your temporal lobes are responsible for memory, learning, emotional stability and socialization.
I sing to myself every day and have sang myself out of a funk many times in my life. I’ve also had dance parties by myself around my house during and after the lockdown. If you incorporate some form of dancing into your routine, that will have a double impact and also count as exercise, if done for at least 20 minutes.
Talk about it. When I first began studying Substance Abuse Counseling (before earning my Psychology degree and studying counseling in graduate school), I had been exposed to research pointing to talk therapy being effective in treating stress and mental issues. Research published in July 2020 in the journal Cognitive Therapy and Research found that while medication works to dampen the stress response, it can also suppress symptoms and lessen the long-lasting effects. However, talk therapy (specifically cognitive therapy and cognitive-behavioral therapy) has been shown over the last 50 years to be just as effective as antidepressant medications (on average) in the treatment of nonpsychotic depression, and those treated to remission are less than half as likely to relapse following treatment termination.
I’ve been trained in CBT and have found it to be very effective when working with children and substance users. It is a modality that helps change your thinking and behaviors while giving you benchmarks to show progress and growth.
It’s always advised to seek help from a trained professional. However, whomever you choose to talk with should be someone in whom you trust and who will not discuss with others what you have shared. That’s why paying for services with a counselor or coach is usually the preferred method, and the one I recommend. While spiritual leaders, sponsors, mentors or friends aren’t trained in the modalities used in professional therapy, they could be a good listener who have life experience they can share that might help encourage you and allow you to get the negative feelings out of your head and body. Releasing the negativity and refocusing your thoughts on things that encourage you, make you feel good and give you hope and motivation are key in reducing and managing stress.
Laugh it off. My grandparents used to say that laughter is good like medicine and would quote Proverbs 17:22, “A happy heart is good medicine and a joyful mind causes healing, but a broken spirit dries up the bones.” Science has proven this is true. Research has shown laughter to not only improve your mood, but it strengthens your immune system and combats stress — two things we need to focus on improving with the COVID-19 outbreak.
The University of St. Augustine for Health Sciences published that laughing can reduce the stress hormone cortisol that circulates throughout the body during peak stress periods. “Laughter can decrease cortisol levels by increasing your intake of oxygen and stimulating circulation throughout the body,” the university blog stated. (I recommend that you do not wear a mask when you laugh so that you can get the oxygen needed to actually reduce cortisol.) The university blog also stated, “Laughing increases the number of endorphins released in your body, fighting off stress and promoting a positive mood.”
There are many ways you can get your giggle on. Watching a funny movie or TV show is one way. Talking with friends, attending a comedy show or watching funny videos are all ways to produce laughter. I crack myself up all the time and make my own self laugh … that’s one of the best ways to laugh it up.
Like I say all the time, you have all the answers. Go to the kingdom within, do the things that fuel your body, mind and spirit, and work to keep your thoughts positive. Don’t let the stress get the best of you.
Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. If you’d like to book a personal session with Senée, she’s accepting new clients.
We’ve officially entered a new season — Spring. I’m incredibly grateful for the change. Some people believe that this season is actually the beginning of a new year. I have to agree with them this year and welcome the change.
To say this Winter has been a hard one for me would be a gigantic understatement. Not only have I dealt with some personal issues that I’m writing about in my upcoming book, but January felt like an entire year by itself and I went through a freak Texas snowstorm in February all alone.
The snowstorm (which is rare for us to have snow in North Texas to begin with) put us all back in lockdown again. Two days before the storm hit, I was able to locate firewood in a nearby suburb after days of scouring every store where I usually buy it. I was happy about that, but I did not expect to be without power for three days straight. The management of my complex told us to keep the faucets dripping, the cabinet doors open and the temperature above 55-degrees. The power distributor sent out notices that we should keep our heaters on 68-degrees or lower. Mine was already there.
I’m not going to lie — I am not a camper or someone who is good at surviving in the wilderness. I tried lighting a fire in my fireplace after the power went out, but keeping it going was challenging. Staying warm from it was even harder. Doing something as simple as heating water in a coffee kettle was impossible. I survived on a couple of handfuls of organic tortilla chips per day. I was wearing two layers of pants and tops, five layers of socks and house shoes, a hat, a hooded winter coat, a full-length mink coat and my granny’s fuzzy shearling housecoat. The warmest place in my townhouse was in my bed under every blanket I owned with my head covered. Hot water was non-existent for a couple of days after the power came back on. So, taking a hot bath to warm up wasn’t an option. Going to a hotel with power wasn’t an option, either because I couldn’t drive in snow — I tried driving down the street to get hot coffee and got stuck several times.
Once the electricity came back on, my thermostat said it was 33-degrees inside my house. Just a couple of hours after the electricity came back on with rolling blackouts, water started pouring from my light fixtures in my office and laundry room. It sounded like Niagara Falls inside my townhouse and flooded my laundry room, kitchen, office, hallway and part of my living room floors. Thank God it happened downstairs where I have hardwood floors and that none of my books or electronics were damaged.
I had never been so grateful for coffee and electricity in my life. Like everything else I’ve been through during my existence, I survived, but it really made me wish that I had a partner to go through that hardship with. It was hard on my married friends, but it was even harder on me going through it all by myself. Now, do you see why I’m so happy for a change?
This too shall pass
I’ve written about being grateful for new seasons. We experience new weather seasons about every three months. We also experience new seasons in life. That can look like any big change such as a new job, new relationship, new living location, the birth of a child, etc. It’s important to remember that we need to watch our thinking and attitudes at the beginning of any new season in life.
The flowers my grandfather planted decades ago continue to bloom every Spring — nearly 20 years after his death. Hope truly springs eternal.
“It is our attitude at the beginning of a difficult task which, more than anything else, will affect its successful outcome.” wrote William James.
I remember when I moved into my townhouse nearly three years ago. When I move into a new place, I usually sleep so peacefully the first night and wake up happy, refreshed and hopeful. Not so this time. In fact, I had a neighbor call the apartment manager and onsite security on me the first day because her assigned parking spot was directly in front of my private sidewalk and private entrance, and my moving truck was temporarily parked there while my things were being unloaded. The bullying continued for months, unfortunately. I remember having my sleep interrupted many times during that first night — very unusual for me since I sleep soundly once I fall asleep. I woke up the next day basically crying and in internal turmoil. I thought many times during the first few months about moving. That was a serious thought since I hate moving with a passion.
Things have gotten better. It’s like the saying goes, “This too shall pass.” I had to feel the negative emotions caused by an outside person, release them and continue on with my life focusing on the positive things. Sometimes, new seasons appear to be negative because of choices we’ve made in previous seasons or because of people outside ourselves causing us problems because of jealousy, insecurity, a sense of entitlement or just because they think they can. It’s very important in these times to let the process play out, focus on being positive, practice gratitude and loving yourself first.
Endings are really new beginnings
Change is always an opportunity for growth — no matter if you experience positive or negative circumstances. You get to determine how outside events will affect you. I recommend allowing the pressure to create diamonds and the fire to refine you like pure gold. Keeping the faith and keeping hope alive will make a big difference in your outlook on life.
Endings don’t have to be negative things. They can be the catalyst to propel you to greater things and positive transformation — you decide.
“When something ends it seems like the end of something,” wrote Hemal Radi. “Consider that the ending of it was actually part of the process of something new beginning.”
I’m not pretending that being positive in the face of negativity is easy. It certainly isn’t. However, like Dr. Wayne Dyer used to say, “What you focus on expands.” I’ve found this to be true. Psychology calls it a self-fulfilling prophesy. So, it’s imperative that you focus on the good things, things that are true, lovely, of good report [Philippians 4:8]. I don’t care what anyone says … If it makes you feel good (even if it’s just a daydream) this is what you need to focus on. Dr. Dyer used to say that since God is good, feeling good is feeling God. I wholeheartedly agree.
Take care of you
Sometimes, (and I believe it should be often in today’s society) it’s important to take a break during a new season. You may not be able to take a week off for a Spring Break, but you can turn your phone off on weekends and evenings or refuse to respond to or entertain negative people. You can have lunch in a beautiful place that makes your heart flutter, take a walk in nature, go to the lake or even watch beach movies and let yourself dream about the life you want to have. If you crave a change of scenery or location but you can’t afford one at the moment, you can always clean out your current living space, rearrange the furniture or do small renovations or furniture repurposing. Taking a hot bubble bath and pampering yourself is another way to rejuvenate your spirit on the cheap. This is all called good self-care. It was drilled into me during graduate school and is imperative for positive mental health.
Being authentic, practicing good self-care and focusing on being the best you that you can be is imperative. “Wake up every morning with a greater sense of self and the courage to let the true you shine,” Dr. Sue Morter.
Take the time this new season to stop and smell the flowers, enjoy the warmer weather, get outside and appreciate nature and do the things that make you feel good. Here’s to a new season.
Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives and relationships. Are you ready to start attracting positive things into your life through practicing daily affirmations? Get your free copy of The Princes Guide to Gratitude Affirmations. If you’d like to work directly with Senée, she’s accepting new clients.
